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Old 08-12-2008, 06:20 AM   #1
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Comparing and jealousy is driving me nuts!

So a little background: I've been seeing my current bf for around a year and a half now but have known him many years longer. We don't live together, but not too far from each other. We usually see each other Thurs night, and Fri through to Sunday... this is just how things have worked out since he works the usual 9-5 and I'm studying. I have never particularly minded spending Mon-Wed on my own. I see myself as quite independent and take this time to catch up with my friends, study, do my own thing or work scant hours at my part-time job.

I've never had much of a concern... until now.

My bf's roommate (we'll call him 'roomie') has a new gf. Well, they have been together for 6 months or so now. It still feels new for me. In this time, she has shoved herself into our lives, like it our not. And I have become extremely jealous. She spends every single day, night, and in between with roomie! She has a key to their apartment... my BF's apartment... which she has had from a month in, and she lets herself in every single day before roomie is even home from work yet. She just rocks in and out whenever she wants. My bf will come home from work, and she's there. Alone. Every...single...day. She cleans the apartment constantly, rearranges things, buys new shower curtains, puts my bf's stuff in his room etc. Like she runs the place. Sometimes my bf tells me how they joke around, or that she made him dinner. She gets to be there 24/7, and it feels like she is essentially spending more time with my bf than I am!!!! I know its not the same but... I'm going insane. Its driving me nuts.

I can't help but compare. I feel jealous and territorial. I have known my bf and roomie for many, many years. She has just sprung on the scene and now runs the damn place. Roomie doesn't even care - he's so passive and he just lets her be there 24/7. If she had any friends, she's ditched them. I cant help feel like I should be there! I've been with my man longer, known them forever. It's like they're having their own fun over there, and I'm stuck, alone, at my place. I used to think it was unhealthy and unnatural to spend every waking hour and every night with a new bf... or a bf full stop. Even couples living together see their friends, go out alone. She doesn't. She is a leech.

But now I am questioning my relationship... do I see him enough? Should I clean more, cook more? Why does SHE get a key, and I still don't!!! Why does SHE get to be there, before either of them are even home, and I don't have that privilege! Who said she could feed my bf dinner! ARGH!!! I don't know where these impulses have come from but I hate the feeling. I hate her and won't try to be friends with her, we dont have a thing in common. Theirs used to be like a second home to me, now I almost feel uncomfortable in a place that I should be welcome. I have not even begun to think on whether or not it could be possible for her and my bf to get close when they are there alone, before roomie is home, because that would just make me lose it. I don't think this is possible at all. But who knows. I'm lost.

Input appreciated...

 
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Old 08-12-2008, 06:56 AM   #2
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Re: Comparing and jealousy is driving me nuts!

OMG, please don't start questioning your relationship with your boyfriend. If your boyfriend has half a brain he knows that your relationship and the dynamics in it are far more healthy than "roomie's".

It's pretty obvious "roomie" doesn't have a backbone, but what can you do about it? The only person in a position to say something about his girlfriend is your boyfriend. If I were him I would be pretty annoyed that someone else just swooped down and took over. But you feeling insecure or questioning your relationship is silly.

Have you tried getting to know her? Maybe she could use a female friend and get out once in a while? Maybe you will come to see something about her that you don't see now?

 
Old 08-12-2008, 07:01 AM   #3
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Re: Comparing and jealousy is driving me nuts!

I can completely understand how you are feeling! I hate feeling that way but sometimes you can't help it. I had a similar situation with my ex boyfriend. We had been together for at least 2 years at that time and his brother had a new girlfriend. We were only about 18 and 19 years old so we didnt see each other every single day but his older brother got a new girlfriend and she was CONSTANTLY at their house. She would cook dinner for the my b/f and hers and bake them cookies and bring them over...She was a really sweet person but I was so jealous. I compared myself to her all the time. It didnt help the situation that I was so shy and she was so outgoing either. I was so extremely upset that I didnt even want to go over there. It sounds crazy, I know but I know how you feel.

Is she a nice person? The reason I ask, is because I realized that it was me that had the problem. I was too shy to talk to her and get to know her. I do agree that couples shouldnt be together 24/7. I dont personally think that is healthy. You have to go out with your girlfriends every once and a while. I dont know what to say as far as her having a key to their place. And you shouldnt try seeing him more just because she sees her b/f all the time. You said you are content with the days you see him now. I would stick with what your comfortable with! Don't change yourself for her. I wish I could help you. I just wanted to to let you know that their are people out there that feel the same as you at times. Hang in there!

 
Old 08-12-2008, 07:15 AM   #4
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Re: Comparing and jealousy is driving me nuts!

I can't imagine why either of the two would say anything to her or be bothered by her.. they have a maid ... shes cooking, cleaning.... making sure everything is perfect for them.... why would they want her to leave? If you have a good relationship with your bf don't start going crazy on him because it will drive him away from you. I can understand feeling left out because of the circumstances.. but is you BF making you feel left out.. or are you making yourself feel you are left out?

 
Old 08-12-2008, 07:48 AM   #5
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Re: Comparing and jealousy is driving me nuts!

Tyger:

You are a human being, after all. It is very very natural for you to feel that way. Do not blame yourself, if ever you are tempted to do so. I think I know about an idea that has crossed your mind: to set up a hidden camera system in the room to see what is going on in there. LOL That would be the end of your ordeal. If only that were easier to do.

The thing is: even if she is an innocent girl, even if she is not up to anything, even if she is a loner and helper rather than an intruder, what she is doing doesn't feel appropriate, nor does your boy-friend's response to it. I won't mention Roomie, by the way. Can't they realize that they are sort of "walking over" you, if I may say so?

I don't think you should change your style just in order to mark your territory, but it's ok to bring up your doubts and fears to your boy-friend. I know how you feel about that girl, but you should try not to offend her while talking to him. Be as objective as possible, if ever you can be objective about feelings. Ok, it is not only about your feelings, it is also about dating etiquette. Admit your insecurity and jealousy, or if you don't want to mention these charged words, talk about your surprise at what is going on (she has got a key, whereas you haven't, why? what have you failed to do? should you have asked for a key, too? etc) but don't focus too much on her and on Roomie.

See what kind of reaction he has. A fight would be a bad sign. Reassurance would be ok, but reassurance may not be enough. The best outcome would be for him to agree to your "complaint" and proceed to change the situation quickly (this false triangle, or is it a square?) and without hurting anyone too much.

 
Old 08-12-2008, 10:22 AM   #6
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Re: Comparing and jealousy is driving me nuts!

Generally the hired help gets a key - to keep things running smoothly when the tenants of the place are out.

She's "unpaid" hired help - the exchange is sex/attention for her effort and work, conveniences and comforts.

Like you WANT to be an unpaid servant?

 
Old 08-12-2008, 03:03 PM   #7
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Re: Comparing and jealousy is driving me nuts!

I think you should be happy that you're not the type of person who requires constant companionship with your partner to feel satisfied. Because people like her who are always around don't always last very long.

I understand what you're saying, but at the same time, what everyone else said is true...she's basically just their maid and that's nothing to be jealous of. So what if she's there all the time, I highly doubt there's anything fishy going on between her and your bf. Unless he has at some point given you reason to suspect him of something?

 
Old 08-12-2008, 03:24 PM   #8
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Re: Comparing and jealousy is driving me nuts!

I bet if you asked your boyfriend, he'd say it's annoying to have her around all the time. How are they supposed to "act like guys" with some chick always around playing Susie Homemaker? Who is she, Alice from the Brady Bunch?

She's trying to lock in Roomie by being the perfect girlfriend, to show him that he should marry such a perfect wife candidate! And of course, Roomie lets her because he gets clean clothes and dishes, cooked meals instead of fast food, but that won't make him fall in love with her.

Don't worry, I'm pretty sure your B/F doesn't want this from you. You're his equal, not his housekeeper.

 
Old 08-13-2008, 05:45 AM   #9
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Re: Comparing and jealousy is driving me nuts!

I think that your boyfriend is, in a way, using this situation to suss out whether you will turn into a jealous raving lunatic. The fact that he mentions to you that he and his roomie's girlfriend "joke around" together - you don't tell your SO something like that unless you are intending to get a reaction.

And I have a feeling that if you were to become visibly upset and kick up a fuss, that your boyfriend would peg you as being irrational and unreasonable. Although I wonder just how he would deal if the shoe was on the other foot - if you had a roomie, and she had a boyfriend that was there 24/7, hanging out alone with you, joking around with you, cooking dinner for you.

The fact is, the situation is not fair. It's not fair that you have to live with knowing there is some other woman who gets to spend so much time with your boyfriend and who acts like his wife, just like it wouldn't be fair for your boyfriend if the situation was reversed.

The only thing you can really do is to act unthreatened by the situation and go about your merry way. Easier said than done, of course.
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Old 08-13-2008, 08:29 AM   #10
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Re: Comparing and jealousy is driving me nuts!

Thank you all for your replies... they definitely helped me put some perspective on it.

Thanks for those that agreed that my relationship with my bf is more balanced and healthy than theirs - this is the main point I'm trying to focus on, because my gut feeling is that this is true. I will definitly not start putting pressure on us by trying to smother him or be there 24/7 like she is, to keep an 'eye' on them or to 'mark my territory'. This is not really my way. He invited me to come over on Tues, and I chose not to, because i had dinner plans with a friend and afterward I thought... 'I'm enjoying my night alone, I would only go there to see if SHE's there and to assert my presence in front of her'. So I stood back. This time.

It was interesting those of you that mentioned that the guys wouldn't complain - she is 'hired help', she cleans, cooks etc. I think this is true in a way, for my bf anyway. He seemed happy to be 'using' her, when she made him dinner. It just ****** me off that she has the audacity to do this in the first place - I get territorial and think... 'leave my bf alone! its bad enough your in his house all day every day!' As Redneon said, yeah, my bf claims that he gets irritated at her constant presence. I don't think he tries to 'push my buttons' by saying they joke around and such... he's more just saying what goes on. When I let slip how annoying I find her, or act arrogant around her, my bf often asks why. i don't think he really understands how much she irritates me. He hasn't really made the connection that I'm jealous because she gets to be there all the time. I haven't told him this of course. As Gypsy says, I think that'd cause more issues than good.

The ongoing problem is that I feel like if my annoyance at her continues I'm really going to blow up about it and maybe blame my bf or have a go at roomie. I mean, she doesn't even pay any rent or anything, yet she's using all their electricity, gas, water... everything! Roomie didn't even ask my bf if it was ok she had a key... aren't these basic nicities?

Today on the phone my bf said that it was her birthday but we're lucky because he's made up an excuse not to go to her party. We joked a bit. That was good. He's on my proverbial 'side'. But then I got nasty and said something like "She doesn't get older, just more co-dependent. Leech." I tried to laugh to tone it down, but my bf said "wow, you feeling nasty today or something? I wouldn't want to be on your bad side." It made me feel a bit upset. I'm not usually like this.

 
Old 08-13-2008, 09:11 AM   #11
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Re: Comparing and jealousy is driving me nuts!

Try to stop the catty comments. I know it's hard, but you need to, unless you want to come across as jealous and controlling. My guy's best friend used to point out good looking girls to him in front of me and I used to make catty comments, and the best friend would say "see, I told you she's jealous and controlling!". So I started to just say "yeah, you're right, she is hot". The best friend stopped...

You are just going to make yourself look bad if you keep it up. Just make some kind of non-committal reply when he says she's annoying, such as "that sucks, sorry about that!" and you will look like the better person. And not annoying!

You might also try letting him know that you'd like to be able to spend more time with him (if you do). Don't say "why does she get to be there all the time and I don't? Why does she get a key?". BTW, DO you want to be there all the time? DO you want a key? Anyway, let him know that it's nice that she gets to spend all that time with roomie and you'd like maybe to spend more time with your B/F. He won't know how you feel unless you tell him!

 
Old 08-13-2008, 09:25 AM   #12
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Re: Comparing and jealousy is driving me nuts!

I have to agree with Redneon that the catty comments need to be stopped to your boyfriend. Save those comments for your girlfriends when you are out together. No matter how you intend the comments to sound to your boyfriend you are going to be the one that looks bad, not her.

As far as "roomie" asking your boyfriend, I completely agree with you there. But the thing is that is not your place to say anything either. Your boyfriend would have to be the one to say something or, again, you will be the one looking bad.

I know it is so much easier said than done, but you need to just not let her or her constant presence bother you. You know your relationship is healthier and I'm sure that your boyfriend notices this too whether he says it or not.

 
Old 08-13-2008, 11:59 AM   #13
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Re: Comparing and jealousy is driving me nuts!

Retract those claws and quit hissing - or else someone will sedate you.

 
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