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Old 08-12-2008, 02:38 PM   #1
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Insecure. Yay....

Seriously. How many times have I posted on here about my current relationship.... Far too many times.

Here we go. My last AND first relationship ever was with a "man" who cheated on me. I took him back. We were on and off for like 8 months total. The relationship finally ended last December. And I've been dating someone since mid-March. I suppose I didn't have that much time to get over the cheating. Here is what I am getting at. I am soooo insecure in my "relationship" right now. We recently decided to be exclusive, but he cannot commit any further than that right now. people have been getting in touch with him that he hasn't talked to in a while. And a lot of them have been girls. The other night we were out and he was drunk and he got a phone call, and he answered it next to me and I KNEW he was talking to a girl. So he gets off the phone and I am like, who was that? And he's like, don't worry about it. And so I finally get it out of him that it was just a girl who is a friend that wants to hang out but she doesn't mean anything to him. I just feel like he is constantly speaking with girls, whether he has the intention of doing anything with them or not. And it makes me feel insecure. Yet he hasn't gotten in touch with me yet this week. But I can't stop him from hanging out with people.

So is this me being insecure or do I have the right to feel this way???
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Old 08-12-2008, 03:25 PM   #2
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Re: Insecure. Yay....

Values justify actions. You either trust his character that is formed by his values, beliefs, principles and standards, or you don't.

Situations don't cause actions...they simply allow them if they are in the person's moral and values compass.

 
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Old 08-12-2008, 03:30 PM   #3
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Re: Insecure. Yay....

March to August. Five months, and nothing but issues (from what it seems).

This is too much work, headache and misery for such a short amount of time.

You are obviously attractive. You might consider ending this and finding someone who isn't so much work.

 
Old 08-12-2008, 03:31 PM   #4
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Re: Insecure. Yay....

Well, on the one hand you can't expect him after only 5 months to be able to commit to more than right now with you. You are exclusive and getting to know eachother. What more do you expect at this point?

On the other hand, he has given you reasons to feel insecure before you were exclusive. Now when he is getting phone calls from girls he is telling you "don't worry about it" instead of just saying "it was Mary wanting to hang out this weekend" or whatever. He doesn't and shouldn't have to answer to you, but also shouldnt' have to act so defensive or standoffish. Does that make sense?

I don't know dodedoo. It seems like an awful lot to deal with in such a short period of time. I think you need to ask yourself if he is really worth it. He is entitled to female friends and a life outside of you and your relationship just as you are entitled to respect and honesty from him.

 
Old 08-12-2008, 03:34 PM   #5
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Re: Insecure. Yay....

Basically - if all your relationships fail or are awash in anxiety, frustration, fear, and anger - the common denominator in your life is you - they're the rotating faces, jobs and situations.

No matter where you go there you are. You're always creating the same result - because you operate in the same patterns of logic, reasoning, values, and expectation.

if you keep doing what you're doing, you keep getting what you're getting - how's it working for you?

 
Old 08-12-2008, 03:52 PM   #6
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Re: Insecure. Yay....

I think the problem is that I am having trust issues because of my past and he has issues opening up in relationships. He is very slow to open up and he knows this, but his openness about himself and feelings has been increasing since we met, which he keeps reminding me of. I either need to just chill out and go with the flow or remain anxious and with a cloud over my head.
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Old 08-12-2008, 04:07 PM   #7
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Re: Insecure. Yay....

Do you grasp what trust is? Trust is you evaluating his character that is determined by his values, principles, beliefs, and standards - in his actions, decisions, and words - over a long period of time.

So trust isn't whatyou give someone becuase you've slept with them, given them a title of "boyfriend" or wahtever.

Trust is what you give - as you evaluate over time thier character, based on all the above in long periods of involvement, where you evaluate what they do when it affects you - and when it doesn't.

Trust is not them never hurting, disappointing, upsetting, or not agreeing with you. Trust is you relying on them to remain true to the character they've displayed over the long period of evaluation that you've taken of their character. You've evaluated their actions, decisions and words - found them to be consistent with one another nad your definitions of appropriate, good, right, and successful, and you trust them to remain true to who they've displayed and portrayed themselves to be.

So you don't "trust him" - because you've been dating 5 months" - the heat of infatuation has you unable to objectively evaluate his character based on his actions - as separated from how his attention to you makes you feel about yourself.

So this 6-9 months isn't about you evaluating his character for trust. It's about you reveling in the feelings you have, without trying to make assessments about his character overmuch, because you're not relying on him to do anyting but show you a good time in the moments you share- this is not about the future, it's all about the glorious present.

After 6-9 months of continuous contact...you can come down off the giddy high of how his attention makes you feel about yourself - you can look at his actions and words - seee if they align by your definition and perception, see if you agree with his standards and beliefs and vlaues as evidenced in those actions, decisions, adn words - and see if it's a good fit for the "ideal partner" that you have profiled in your mind's eye. you'll then know if you're ready to make the sacrifices, commitments, responsibliites ot partnership - that are going to limit your individuality.......and from there - you take another year or two to see if he fits the profile...and he sees if you fit it - then you intertwine nad comingle.

So it's way too early to talk about "trust in him" so far. You trust him in the capacities you know him - which is very limited. But there's no way yet to extend a blanket trust to his character.

That said, you'll never trust him to be true to his character...i fyou don't require yourself to be true to yours, and be the master and commander of your own destiny and identity and security at all times, relationship notwithstanding.

 
Old 08-12-2008, 06:35 PM   #8
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Re: Insecure. Yay....

Okay so I know that I can't place my old issues of trust with my ex onto a new relationship. But I fear that is what I am doing. Instead of just going with the flow and being comfortable with what IS right now, I am anxious about the future of our relationship. And I hate it. I don't know how to change it.
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Old 08-12-2008, 06:43 PM   #9
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Re: Insecure. Yay....

Quote:
Originally Posted by dodedoo View Post
Okay so I know that I can't place my old issues of trust with my ex onto a new relationship. But I fear that is what I am doing. Instead of just going with the flow and being comfortable with what IS right now, I am anxious about the future of our relationship. And I hate it. I don't know how to change it.
It will be difficult for you, but you really need to commit to changing your outlook on your relationship.

Having been cheated on in a past relationship, I too struggled with trust issues at first with my next boyfriend. I have now been dating him for over 3 years, and our relationship is going great because I made the decision to actively change MY insecurities and trust issues.

Unless your bf has done something to cause you to doubt him, I think first of all you need to sit down and apologize for your lack of trust in him. Next, it may be helpful for you to write a list of your insecurities, and then brainstorm on how you want to change them. Read it multiple times a day if you have to! Think about how you would feel if he was the one questioning you every time you got a phone call. It helped me a lot when I tried to imagine myself in my boyfriend's shoes when I used to have trust problems.

Thankfully, it is still early in your relationship, so now is a great time to change things and build a solid foundation of trust.

 
Old 08-13-2008, 02:10 AM   #10
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Lysander HB User
Re: Insecure. Yay....

You know what freaks me out is him saying, "Don't worry about it." Those are the words of a liar or a parent. It is not his place to shield you from big bad reality. If he's talking to girls, he should tell you, and allow the both of you to recognize and come to terms with it, jealousy or no, right or wrong. But not to keep it from you because he's decided you can't handle it or ought not to know.

 
Old 08-13-2008, 04:15 AM   #11
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Re: Insecure. Yay....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lysander View Post
You know what freaks me out is him saying, "Don't worry about it." Those are the words of a liar or a parent. It is not his place to shield you from big bad reality. If he's talking to girls, he should tell you, and allow the both of you to recognize and come to terms with it, jealousy or no, right or wrong. But not to keep it from you because he's decided you can't handle it or ought not to know.
That's the point I was trying to make dodedoo. He can have his female friends and his social life and "all that jazz" just like anyone else. After all, he is an adult, right? But what is wrong is him being so defensive/demissive/deceptive about it all. Why couldn't he just answer your straight forward question?

Now lets say a male friend called you and when you hung up he asked the same question as you. Would a "don't worry about it" be accepted by him? Somehow I doubt it. If he is doing nothing wrong then he should be able to be honest. That's all I'm saying.

 
Old 08-13-2008, 04:23 PM   #12
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Re: Insecure. Yay....

Quote:
Originally Posted by happymom28 View Post
That's the point I was trying to make dodedoo. He can have his female friends and his social life and "all that jazz" just like anyone else. After all, he is an adult, right? But what is wrong is him being so defensive/demissive/deceptive about it all. Why couldn't he just answer your straight forward question?

Now lets say a male friend called you and when you hung up he asked the same question as you. Would a "don't worry about it" be accepted by him? Somehow I doubt it. If he is doing nothing wrong then he should be able to be honest. That's all I'm saying.
I understand what you guys are trying to say. And him trying to cover it up does either make him seem sketchy or that he is trying to protect me. He was very drunk when he said it. I honestly think a lot of my difficulties with this relationship stem from my own insecurity as a result of my last relationship. I got cheated on and I made the mistake of getting back with the guy and I was constantly checking his texts and things to see if he was with anyone else. It kind of become a habit. A very BAD habit.
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Old 08-13-2008, 05:14 PM   #13
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Re: Insecure. Yay....

Quote:
Originally Posted by dodedoo View Post
I understand what you guys are trying to say. And him trying to cover it up does either make him seem sketchy or that he is trying to protect me. He was very drunk when he said it. I honestly think a lot of my difficulties with this relationship stem from my own insecurity as a result of my last relationship. I got cheated on and I made the mistake of getting back with the guy and I was constantly checking his texts and things to see if he was with anyone else. It kind of become a habit. A very BAD habit.
I understand how you feel with this. I, too, have been struggling with insecurity and low self-esteem in my relationship lately. This is why trust in a relationship is so important. If you trust your partner, then you have to find out why you feel suspicious of them, and most often I think it leads you back to your own insecurity. Insecurity can be overcome, although it is not easy and it does not happen overnight.

If you trust your boyfriend, keep trusting him and keep your suspicions to yourself until he gives you a reason not to trust him. If he commits some unforgivable act, like cheating on you, well, that's really a lose-lose situation. Don't be a sucker, but wrongfully acussing him of something could end your relationship just as easily.

If you feel that him telling you "don't worry about it" does hurt your trust in him, then confront him about it. Ask him about it. Tell him how you feel. And don't be too quick to forgive him. Make him do something to earn your trust back, otherwise you are going to keep questioning and doubting everything.

How can you trust him again? I'm not sure, that one's up to you.

 
Old 08-15-2008, 03:25 PM   #14
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dodedoo HB User
Re: Insecure. Yay....

Quote:
Originally Posted by happymom28 View Post
That's the point I was trying to make dodedoo. He can have his female friends and his social life and "all that jazz" just like anyone else. After all, he is an adult, right? But what is wrong is him being so defensive/demissive/deceptive about it all. Why couldn't he just answer your straight forward question?

Now lets say a male friend called you and when you hung up he asked the same question as you. Would a "don't worry about it" be accepted by him? Somehow I doubt it. If he is doing nothing wrong then he should be able to be honest. That's all I'm saying.
He said don't worry about it. But he could tell I was annoyed about it so he ended up telling me it was just a friend and she means nothing and blah blah. I don't know if he was trying to hide it to me since he eventually told me about it. Maybe he is trying to protect me or something. I dont know.
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