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Old 08-13-2008, 01:16 AM   #1
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How likely is a jerk going to be a jerk again in his next relationship?

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Last edited by yankeegirl; 04-21-2009 at 04:38 AM.

 
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Old 08-13-2008, 03:01 AM   #2
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Re: How likely is a jerk going to be a jerk again in his next relationship?

Jerks generally don't change, but I have heard of a few cases where a jerk meets a new woman in his life and suddenly becomes Mr. Perfect. I've heard daughters that are heartbroken because their fathers were horrible, then suddenly they divorce, leave, remarry and have new families and become the perfect father to their half-siblings. Or wives that divorce men, only to see their terrible husband become the perfect man for his new wife, leaving them to wonder what was so wrong with them, or so special about the new woman. It sounds terribly unfair and confusing.

Those were stories by the woman left behind, however, viewed from the outside. I wonder if Mr. Perfect was as perfect behind closed doors.

 
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Old 08-13-2008, 05:20 AM   #3
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Re: How likely is a jerk going to be a jerk again in his next relationship?

I can only lend you my experience on the subject.

My exhusband treated his girlfriend after me (the only one I know of) the same way he did me. She actually called me right before she broke it off with him to see if she was just crazy or if he really was as bad as her friends were saying. She was a little younger than him (and he lied about his age to her) and her first "real" relationship. Luckily I was engaged to my current husband so she felt she could trust me to be honest with her. Everything he told her was a lie (like me) and the whole pattern was the same.

I don't think abusive people change unless they really want to. However, most abusers are so delussional they don't think they have an issue so therefore there is nothing to change. Does that make sense?

 
Old 08-13-2008, 07:39 AM   #4
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Re: How likely is a jerk going to be a jerk again in his next relationship?

I dated someone who didn't treat me very well, and by some accounts treated the woman he met after me and ended up marrying much better than he ever treated me. But I've also heard that they argue a LOT and that she kind of runs roughshod over him, which I never did. We are all different, and different people bring out different things in us. We are all different people around our bosses than we are around our parents, around our best friends, around drinking buddies, etc. what's important now is, you've made the physical break from him, now you need to work on making a mental break from him. Who he is now and how he treats his next women is really not your problem anymore. He was not the right guy for you and in the cold hard light of day, you know you would not want to go back to the way things were before. There's no sense in thinking about all the what ifs and the coulda woulda shouldas and if he's onlys. All you can do is take responsibility for any mistakes and missteps you might have made in the relationship, learn from them so that you can be a better girlfriend in your next relationship, and just a better person for yourself, and move on. Good luck.

 
Old 08-13-2008, 08:26 AM   #5
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Re: How likely is a jerk going to be a jerk again in his next relationship?

This is an interesting and very difficult question, because it touches on human nature. I have always wondered about a few things:

1. Can age and maturity improve a jerk? Or are jerks hopeless cases?

2. Can a jerk remain a jerk for all his life and yet stop doing "jerklike" things? I mean, you can't possibly change who you are, but you can possibly change what you do - with some effort and determination. For example, I am naturally very lazy, but people who see me normally will think I am a very active sort of person. I have not really changed my nature, but I have chosen not to behave like a lazy person.

3. Are there strong or huge events in one's life that are capable of making them change their behaviour? Or are a jerk's patterns never to be changed?

4. What happens when a jerk meets another jerk (I am assuming that a woman can also be a jerk.)? Does he become more or less of a jerk? That's true: we mostly behave in accordance with (or in response to) the person we are dealing with at a given moment. If a man is a jerk to someone, it may be because the other party allows (empowers) him to be the jerk. If this man meets a stronger woman (opposition), the jerk (wolf) in him may become, may act more like a decent fellow (lamb). Who knows?

5. Can we learn something from a jerk? Should the world be free from jerks? Can't we, who think of ourselves as nice, decent people, sometimes recognize a jerk deep down in ourselves, too?

And I have never come up with clear-cut answers. Sorry for rambling.

Last edited by pendulum; 08-13-2008 at 08:29 AM.

 
Old 08-13-2008, 09:02 AM   #6
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Re: How likely is a jerk going to be a jerk again in his next relationship?

once a jerk, always a jerk......it may just take a little time for the true jerk to surface when in a new relationship....but trust me, he's still there

 
Old 08-13-2008, 09:33 AM   #7
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Re: How likely is a jerk going to be a jerk again in his next relationship?

Hmm.. Well i've had two different experiences with this. My ex who was extremely abusive towards me; violent anger, physically abusive, emotionally abusive was the same with the girl he dated after me. I thought he would of learned after I left him because he supposedly cried himself to sleep for months after I left, but in the end he just couldn't change his ways no matter what.

Now my current bf of 3 years says he didn't treat his ex girlfriend (of 8 years on and off) that well. I know he used to cheat on her, he would always stay out late at night and not come home, and wasn't that nice to her I guess. He is not like this with me at all. I guess he kinda did become Mr. Perfect (in my eyes). But I think it was because he knew I was the one for him, and maturity. He grew up and realized what he wanted out of life. They broke up when he was 24, he is now 28. But the difference between him and my ex is my bf has morals, and was raised properly.

SO IMO it all depends on the person; how they were raised and what are their true morals.

Last edited by Ms_ENV27; 08-13-2008 at 09:36 AM.

 
Old 08-13-2008, 09:44 AM   #8
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Re: How likely is a jerk going to be a jerk again in his next relationship?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ms_ENV27 View Post
Now my current bf of 3 years says he didn't treat his ex girlfriend (of 8 years on and off) that well. I know he used to cheat on her, he would always stay out late at night and not come home, and wasn't that nice to her I guess. He is not like this with me at all. I guess he kinda did become Mr. Perfect (in my eyes). But I think it was because he knew I was the one for him, and maturity. He grew up and realized what he wanted out of life. They broke up when he was 24, he is now 28. But the difference between him and my ex is my bf has morals, and was raised properly.

.
This goes to show that even the best guys in the world have it within them to be cruel, dishonest and hurtful to someone at some point in their lives if they see her as the "wrong woman." I wish more men could be like my brother. My brother is honest and decent, faithful and respectful to every single woman he goes out with, and he has never, ever gone out with a woman just for sex. He has liked and had respect for every one of his girlfriends as people and as friends. If he feels she isn't right for him, well, it's usually mutual, but he's honest and respectful and he ends up being friends with just about all his exes to some degree. It's a shame most men just aren't hardwired this way, But they just aren't, and it's part of what women just have to deal with if we are going to date them.

My guess, yankeegirl, is that you're asking in the first place because you are hoping that it's him and not you. Well, sometimes it is a guy who just is and will always be a jerk, but sometimes it's just that you were the "wrong woman" and that's just how men are with the wrong women. It hurts like all getout to think he just deemed you unworthy of decent treatment and honesty and respect, and would turn around and deem someone else more worthy, the whole "why her and not me" thing. I know that pain, and it can very easily eat away at you and really damage your self esteem. I know platitudes may not help much now, but really, all you can do is chalk it up to experience, chalk it up to you two just not being right for each other, and using it as a growth experience. I wish you luck.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 08-13-2008 at 09:51 AM.

 
Old 08-13-2008, 10:06 AM   #9
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Re: How likely is a jerk going to be a jerk again in his next relationship?

Quote:
It's a shame most men just aren't hardwired this way, But they just aren't, and it's part of what women just have to deal with if we are going to date them.
I think it's a matter of society more than nature. Women have been slaves since the beginning of recorded history, and as much as we'd like to think things are different now, they aren't. We're taught from birth that women are inferior playthings to be used or purchased. It's in our language, our gender roles, our advertising, our movies. It isn't until adulthood, when men begin to think for themselves, that some of them begin to realize that the programming they've received is wrong. Most women aren't any better. Men with a good upbringing have a significantly better chance of recognizing that women are human beings from a young age.

 
Old 08-13-2008, 10:14 AM   #10
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Re: How likely is a jerk going to be a jerk again in his next relationship?

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Most women aren't any better.
I totally agree with everything in your post except this. Though I'm older, in my 40s, so things most likely have changed a bit since I was a young single in the singles' scene. But only speaking for myself, I have never, even one time, treated a man like a plaything or just for sex. I think women play at doing that because they think they should, but they still just aren't as good as it as men. I had a good friend once who dated around and flip flopped men, but not because she didn't respect them as fellow human beings, but because she so desperately wanted love that she would look anywhere to find it and dive right in hoping it would lead to something, and would have to hit the bar on the weekend for a crying drunk every single time it didn't turn out to be true love. I think there's a big difference between how men play around and how women play around.

 
Old 08-13-2008, 11:45 AM   #11
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Re: How likely is a jerk going to be a jerk again in his next relationship?

Quote:
I had a good friend once who dated around and flip flopped men, but not because she didn't respect them as fellow human beings, but because she so desperately wanted love that she would look anywhere to find it and dive right in hoping it would lead to something, and would have to hit the bar on the weekend for a crying drunk every single time it didn't turn out to be true love.
Oh, that's what I meant. Most women aren't any better about treating themselves as people rather than things to be used. Okay, maybe not most, but many. Hence, you still get the ones shopping around for the man that will give them the dream house in exchange for giving him children, or the ones sleeping around in the hopes that if they do it enough, someone might love them for it. Very sad.

 
Old 08-13-2008, 12:12 PM   #12
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Re: How likely is a jerk going to be a jerk again in his next relationship?

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Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
IWe are all different, and different people bring out different things in us. We are all different people around our bosses than we are around our parents, around our best friends, around drinking buddies, etc. Good luck.
I have to agree completely with this quote. Thats not to say that its true for everyone but I've heard stories about my boyfriend punching out walls, jumping out of a moving cars, and getting in screaming matches with his ex in public. He's never acted this way towards me and I would have a hard time believing it was true except that he's admitted it to me.

 
Old 08-13-2008, 04:08 PM   #13
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Re: How likely is a jerk going to be a jerk again in his next relationship?

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Last edited by yankeegirl; 04-21-2009 at 04:40 AM.

 
Old 08-13-2008, 04:18 PM   #14
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Re: How likely is a jerk going to be a jerk again in his next relationship?

It's mean, but I think you are hoping he's not nice to her either so you'll feel better. It's ok, you're human! We've all had those thoughts and while they're not nice, it's understandable.

A guy I dated got together with another girl for a fling. She had pretended to be my friend so she could get together with him. Well, he ended up dumping her quite unceremoniously to try to get back with me, and wasn't nice to her about it at all. Honestly, I enjoyed it because I felt it served her right for the sneaky thing she'd done to me. Nice? Not at all, but it's true, I did enjoy it.

You don't need this guy, if he was a jerk to you then you're way better off without him. Most likely she will find that he's a jerk to her as well, but even if he's a prince to her, he wasn't to you, and you deserve better. Let them go be miserable, or happy, together and find your own prince.

 
Old 08-13-2008, 06:33 PM   #15
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Re: How likely is a jerk going to be a jerk again in his next relationship?

I think that people treat different people differently, so, no I don't think that if someone treated you poorly he necessarily will treat other women the same. It depends on the circumstances. Some people bring out the worst in us, some bring up the best.
My husband has treated me very disrespectfully for our entire 10 year marriage. I am going to divorce him and have to admit that I hope he shows the next woman in his life what a jerk he is Like somebody said, it is mean to feel this way, but human). That won't necessarily happen though. When I met him I was very vulnerable and this set a trend for our marriage. Had I shown from the beginning that I won't let him treat me like garbage, he probably wouldn't have. But, I was an easy target and he used the situation to make himself feel better and raise his low self esteem at my expense. I don't think that he deep down is a jerk, but he was a major jerk towards me.

Last edited by negot; 08-13-2008 at 06:35 PM.

 
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