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Old 08-13-2008, 09:09 AM   #1
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Talking trying to figure it out...

im confused. my boyfriend and i live together, and we have for like 6 months, yet we have been together longer than that. we arent as serious as marriage, and we dont want to even talk about the topic, although it has been mentioned but just to an extent...but NOT REALLY. things have been a little off lately. there are several "issues" we have... which is (1) we are broke, neither one of us has money besides to pay our bills, (2) we dont have our space... i dont ever see my friends & he doesnt see his friends.. we probably see our own friends seperately once every 2 weeks. we dont go see our friends because we dont have money... we arent the kind of people who just want to sit around someones house.. we rather go out and have a few drinks...
the good thing is at least we have both realized & agreed that we need our own space and now we just need to make sure we get our own time.

so i know that when couples stress about money- thats probably the worst thing (i think so anyway). money is a hard topic to talk about when it comes to not having any and sharing it. we share it because we dont have any.. if we both had our own source of money & enough of it then i believe there wouldnt be a problem.
so anyways, besides that we are looking for a new home. we dont want to buy a house, but like i said we live together and obviously we continue to want to- our lease is up in october & therefore we are currently looking for another place.
when i mentioned to him, i felt like things were a little off he agreed. we also agreed that it has a huge part with being broke & not having our own space. we dont talk too much into the future because anything is possible and you never know if things just dont work out- i mean that saying as we are both aware that anything is possible.


i did something to him 4 months ago, and he has forgiven me for it, but he will never forget it- which i understand. it hasnt been talked about for probably 2 months at least, and its not brought up often or even at all. but when i mentioned that things were off, and besides money & space being part of the reason he said that he is still in love with me, and he still wants to be with me, but he just hasnt felt the same about me since it happen. he has told me this before but it was a while back so i thought that things were perfect again... i wouldnt of guessed that he still thought about it because to me, it seems like we have been happier than we have been before... besides the money/space issue.. so please dont get me wrong, we are happy, and obviously he doesnt think about it too much because this wasnt even brought up until we realized that things are a little stressed.

i'm just curious to know... why hasnt he mentioned this before? my guess is that he randomly thinks about it, and then when he doesnt think about it he feels like things are good?
so now im just trying to figure out, how can i handle this? we figured out the whole money & space thing, so thats not what im asking about. what im asking about is how can i make him feel better about what happen?
i know that if things dont work its not meant to be.. i can be perfectly happy without a boyfriend. my friend said to not worry about how he feels and just worry about myself, but i care about him, i want him to be happy and i dont want him to feel this way.

just to mention, things in our relationship arent perfect. relationships arent going to be perfect- we have just now realized there are a few things that we need to make right. i am happy with him, and he is happy with me. maybe i am thinking about everything and digging to far into it (thats my worst problem EVER), and i know for a fact if we didnt want to be with eachother, we wouldnt. one of us would have said something if this relationship isnt what we want... like i said if its not meant to be with him, then we are both understanding and accepting. im just asking for any wise opinions or advice.

*sorry its so long.

 
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Old 08-13-2008, 09:18 AM   #2
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Re: trying to figure it out...

what did you do to him 4 months ago?

 
Old 08-13-2008, 09:39 AM   #3
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Re: trying to figure it out...

first i must say that him & i are HUGE on lying. im going to spare the details because i dont feel they really matter, and to me its embarrassing. im just going to say that i lied and i totally screwed up any trust that he had for me. i didnt cheat on him, but i lied about what i did, who i was with, and what i was going to do. i lied i lied i lied. about everything that night.
he knew i lied. and he knew i was lying when i lied. the morning after i woke up and i told him the truth about everything... i was just drunk and stupid. wasnt thinking clear. very selfish. i have tried to do everything possible to make up for how i made him feel.

Last edited by deskette; 08-13-2008 at 09:41 AM.

 
Old 08-13-2008, 09:48 AM   #4
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Re: trying to figure it out...

I remembered your name and I had to look back to see if I was remember things correctly. I believe that I did for the most part.

Perhaps when your lease is up you should try living apart and still maintaining a relationship. No, it's not ideal to move "backwards", but it seems there is a lot going on that needs to be settled. This will give him a chance to get himself on track financially and personally and you will have a chance to do things for you financially and give you the space you need.

Other than that I'm really not too sure what else to say. I have to be honest and tell you that I still believe you are settling, but I don't want you to feel the need to get defensive. You have to come to see things for what they are in your own time and I understand that.

 
Old 08-13-2008, 09:59 AM   #5
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Re: trying to figure it out...

happymom im not defensive. i think i was "rubbed the wrong way" and i felt like there was too much negative. i didnt feel like people were really trying to help.

i do think you are probably right, but i know i wouldnt feel comfortable taking that big of a step back... i dont think i know how to do that. if we can slow things down, and still live together i would be much more civil than to make a drastic change as you suggested... but what we have agreed on is to put one persons name on the lease so if we were to go our seperate ways we could do that and nobody would be pentalized. what are your thoughts on that?
sometimes i do feel like im settling, but then other times i think im an idiot for feeling that way. like i said relationships arent perfect... and i am happy with him, right now.. its very possible to change in the future. i hope change is only good though

 
Old 08-13-2008, 10:11 AM   #6
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Re: trying to figure it out...

Sometimes it's not ideal to just put one persons name on the lease, because in most cases you have to make 2x or 3x your rent, and if you don't make that by yourself, then they won't rent to you. So that's when you need a roommate so there will be two peoples income, and they need both peoples names on the lease.

Last edited by Ms_ENV27; 08-13-2008 at 10:13 AM.

 
Old 08-13-2008, 10:19 AM   #7
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Re: trying to figure it out...

I've rented before with another person, and all they required was credit reports for all adults over 18. Both names didn't have to be on the lease, but of course that may depend on the management company.

The other issue is that if one party moves out, who ISN'T on the lease, the person who is on it is 100% responsible for the rent. And that person will get dinged on their credit report if they can't pay the rent. The other person gets away free. It's not always easy to find another roommate to take over either in that case.

But I'd be more concerned with the status of the relationship. It might not be a good idea to sign a long lease if you're not sure about the relationship lasting. With the issues you had previously posted about, have those been resolved? You've decided that you want to stay in the relationship? Before, you were giving it a week to think about your b/f's issues and how he was (or was not) dealing with them. You have obviously stayed, any resolution on those issues?

 
Old 08-13-2008, 10:41 AM   #8
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Re: trying to figure it out...

the status of the relationship is resolved and he has figured out that he wants me around for whatever his issues are. therefore he has worked out his issues, and for the ones hes still working on- he is definately doing that. and i have chosen to stay. we would be rather work through things together, than to just drop things... you know? i hope that makes sense.

as for leasing, i currently am the one listed on the lease and hes not even listed as an occupant. most places do have the option to put a person on the lease, than have an occupant while the person on the lease is responsible. yet some places dont even notice that there is 2 people in the apartment (such as mine, i dont think they pay attention, or they just dont care). Either one of us would be able to afford the rent at a new place (we arent looking anywhere super expensive), so it could be in either ones name. i think we have decided to put his name, because he will be making more money than i, and i could always go back to my parents house if WORST CASE SCENERIO.

we DO see ourselves together in the future, we just dont take things so seriously when it comes to talking about marriage because we dont feel that we are ready for that. we just want to enjoy eachother, and be together and not worry about when we will get married or when we will have kids, if we do have kids. it takes less stress off the relationship rather than putting the other under pressure. we are both still young and we dont want to get into the marriage step, we just want to enjoy life together.

 
Old 08-13-2008, 11:55 AM   #9
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Re: trying to figure it out...

Did you move in together so that 'together" you'd have more money en mass, more options as individuals?

I mean, most people with full, complete lives with interests and goals - when they cohabitate don't give up what passionately interests or defines them as an individual.

That's a common mistake if you have little in life thatpassionately interests or defines you as an individual - and "the relationship and feelings" become both those things. Because that'll fade...and then you're left with more bills than before, with no more income than before, and now fewer personal options.

 
Old 08-13-2008, 12:02 PM   #10
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Re: trying to figure it out...

no. i moved in the apartment myself, then when we started dating and eventually he pretty much migrated everything there and now we just live together. we didnt live together to save money, or have more money it just turned out that way. i was paying rent and bills by myself when i was alone, but now that he stays i require him to help pay the bills. he could move out, and i could afford everything, i have done it before and i could do it again but money would definatley be tight.. BUT i could manage with it.

when we started dating, i didnt really do much. i just worked and went to school, so i didnt really have anything i was driven to. i dont have many friends, just the few close girls that i see a few times a month (they have busy lives as well). we both do what we want to do, tonight hes actually going to a friends house, which is good. i can have me time or go out with a girlfriend.
we both still do things that we want to do. no question about it.

is that what your asking or did i misunderstand your post?

 
Old 08-13-2008, 12:17 PM   #11
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Re: trying to figure it out...

So basically, he migrated over becuase that was cheaper for him - than paying his own place. YOu can couch it in whatver you want, but the reality is if you both were able to afford independent residences and do everything you wanted to do together and apart, you'd have never gotten into this "migration".

He was likely taking you out more, he couldn't afford his living expenses AND dating you - and migrated over with his stuff, and you allowed it because you were probably spending more in dating him as well.

Been there done that - was in a relationship for 8 years where it started as what we joked was the 'perpetual date" - after a few months we were spending every night togehter - why not live together, it'd be cheaper, and give us more money to do things for/with each other......

Space...big issue for us...sounds like for you two as well. Everybody has to have their own interests, goals, and associates and everybody needs to 'fund their own fun"........what made you both fall for each other was the differences and unique individuality - and you can't deprioritize that when living together without becoming more like bro & sis than lovers and friends.

My point is that you two really just "fell into living together' without much communication about expectation, requirements, etc...and the bottom line is if you sat down and talked about mney and how financially solvent you ueach were prior to this arrangement, you'd find he was less financially independent and solvent than you think.

Your money wouldn't be any tighter without him - than with him. Yu were paying all the bills before on your own on your salary - some expenses would downsize, and you'd again have a guy to take you out to dinner and for entertainment, which would give you that much more to put to living expenses.

If you evaluate all the commodities and elements...you'll see that your entertainment was likely him taking you out. So now you have little entertainment, becuase he lives there and can't afford to take yu out.

The reason he can't afford to take you out while paying "less" in theory to live with you than on his own - is that he wasn't able to pay his expenses living on his own.....there's debts, habits or addictions here that are causing his cash shortage.

So his entertainment and yours - was "dating you". HE can't afford to date you - even though he lives with you, because....why - financially? It's a question worth asking unles you already know the answer.

 
Old 08-13-2008, 12:44 PM   #12
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Re: trying to figure it out...

i can and have afforded my own independent residence. and he did as well. he worked in alaska for a year but still had a place down here. all of his stuff was at his former home and gradually more came to my place. we didnt migrate together because it was cheap. we do the same things now that we did then. i dont agree with what you believe. if he didnt want to live with me, he has plenty of places to go, or he could infact live in his own. just because we are tight on money doesnt meant that we cant afford our own things. maybe i mis-directed that earlier. what we liked about eachother is our personalities. we are capitable (mis-spelled) and we laugh and we have fun- doesnt matter where we are. we hang out with his friends and with mine. i dont feel as if i have little entertainment, i just want to see my girlfriends more, just like he wants to see his friends more also.
yes we live together, yes we spend a lot of time together but i never said that i was bored with him. it sounds as if you think im bored. space is important in any relationship, just as married men & women. they need their space as well.... that doesnt mean that they are no longer entertained.
he does take me out on dates still.
im thinking you may have mis understood my post.
my post has been redirected. if you reread the first post i made you will see what i came here to get advice about.

 
Old 08-13-2008, 01:02 PM   #13
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Re: trying to figure it out...

Coming at it from your lastest post - what is stoppig you each from spending time/money with your own friends and interests? Originally, your post indicated money is what kept you from going out with friends independent of one another, or out together overmuch.

But apparent,you've each got money to go out and live the life you had prior to meetig and cohabitation.

I mean, a comingled cohabitation is not cessation of individuality. When I began cohabiting with the man in my life - we didn't see one another in any diffeent situations, or more frequently by living together - than we did apart - with one exception.

We did meet in bed every might (unless he falls asleep in his chair watching TV till 3:30am!), and more often in passing in the hall in that we lived togehter vs. apart. But that was it.

We spent no more or less time in personal pursuits and shared interests, than we did while living apart.

There were a few adjustments, I do more laundry as a result of having two sets of dirty clothes. He does more dishes as a result of two people eating on thier schedules, rather htan just himself when he lived on his own.

But I'd be pressed to see what is causing either of you to do anything overmuch different in living together - than apart.

I do understand alot of people make the mistake of moving in together nad spending "more' time together thiking that was the purpose of cohabitation. Which it wasn't, not really.

IT was so that more time could be spent on and in the relationship with the peson - but without all the hassle of commute and expense of independent living arrangement.

Does that help you sort it out?

Last edited by ICFK1; 08-13-2008 at 01:03 PM.

 
Old 08-13-2008, 01:10 PM   #14
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Re: trying to figure it out...

yes that makes a lot more sense to me!!!
when you ask me what i did before we got together for entertainment... i didnt do much of anything really. the only thing i did was school & work. i would occasionally go out with girlfriends, which i still do occasionally. when we started dating what was different, was we would hang out together with his friends, then with my friends. most of my friends are at a further distance, but when they come down i am sure to see them.
i understand completely about everything you just said.
i dont think i had many hobbies before, and so now "i wish to create them" so i can have a particular interest... i want both of us to be individuals like before, therefore thats why we feel we need our space...

i think that when we started to live together, we did spend more time together and did less things with others and after reading your reply i can see that more clearly. like you said it happens accidental and i think we have noticed that, so now we want to fix it before its too late... does that make sense?
we want to be together, and we choose to be together, but somehow we got lost in this relationship and we lost ourselves... am i explaining this right?
we have come to realize we want to do other things as well and so we came to the conclusion that we do in deed need to find things that we like to do without eachother...

 
Old 08-13-2008, 01:20 PM   #15
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Re: trying to figure it out...

Since you appear to be evaluating your lives from a 3rd party objective position - did it appear he had friends, interests, hobbies prior to meeting and dating and living with you - and you didn't quite so much, but in finding him you adopted his interests, his hobbies, and his friends as "a part of your individuality?"

If so - that'd be termed vicarious living. It simply means thatyou didn't value and prioritize yourself enough to invest in self - ad create a full life. I did that until I was 35 myself. I worked, I did tasks, chores, fuflilled obligations - I worked very hard to create a "shell" of a life tha was solid, secure, and firm - so that when someone came along I could integrate into their world with my money, my time, my offers or convenience and comfort and options...and I'd do that until the person I was with "felt smothered". Suddenly they had no free time to themselves and to do what they'd done before "without me"....I'd be hurt and upset if they went without me, to do anything they'd ever done with me.

About the time that reality was occurring - I'd be frustrated iwth them as well. Is this ALL we're going to have, is that ALL we're doing to do or be or be known as - I thought if there was "we" - I had found "me" - in turning the "W" upside down.

I was vicariously living thru them - trying to become an independent entity. I'd resent them for not expandig themselves so that "we" would be more diverse, more interesting...while never getting out there and doing it for myself.

That period of my life finally did end by default of the fact that after about 17 yers, there was no way to recreate a stable foundation of money, options, and conveniences to offer someone to involve with me......while they lived their life.

At that point, i wenet out and jokingly have said I became the man I hoped to meet in terms of diversity, self-responsibliity, success, and unique individuality - and that has made me into the woman I was meant to be and would never be- living carniveriously and vicariously thru the men willing to tolerate my offers of convenience and comfort.

I doubt there's anything stopping you from going out and creating your own itnerests, other than you have no idea what you like to do, yu're not good at anyting beyond work or school, and you don't want to go out into the public eye with novice skills to make mistakes. That's common...but you can't do something new and diffferent - without taking a few falls and making a few errors.

 
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