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Old 08-13-2008, 09:26 AM   #1
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Unhappy Why do we do things that make ourselves sick?!?

I've been with my boyfriend for over a year and living together for a few months now. Everything is great and I believe we are moving forward. But here's the problem: ME! He went to bed early last night and I was bored and started googling things. I googled his screen name (as well as a few of my old ones) just to see what would come up. Well, I came across a message board, similar to this, that he belonged to a few years back. He had this girl he dated for 1.5 years and she was really bad to him. Young, mixed signals, partying and drinking all the time, etc. Anyway, all of his posts on the board were about her and how he missed her and loved her and wanted to be with her, etc. etc. She broke up with him a few times but was still leading him on. Anyway, it just made me so sick to read all of these things that my now boyfriend had said about his ex. No one wants to hear all the details about how your bf or husband felt about his ex. I know, it was my CHOICE to read it, but once I started, I couldn't stop and felt like I had to read all of the posts otherwise I would always wonder. Part of my issue with it is when he and I first met, he had just moved to my city, partially to get away from her and have it be over with for good. He also claimed that he thought he loved her but realized later that he never really did. But in his posts, he's definitely talking about how he loves her and doesn't wanna be without her and all that. And how he's worried that when he finally leaves for good she may come crawling back whether it be 2 weeks, months or years, and he can't be there for her anymore. So now it has my head spinning reading all of this. I just have that really sick feeling in my stomach, the kind where it's hard to even swallow. And the sick thing is, I brought this all on myself! I didn't have to read it, but it's like a car accident and I couldn't help but look. Now I regret ever finding it. And stupid me, read the first thing last night and got up this morning feeling better and went on to read the rest of the posts! What an idiot I am! I'm now feeling totally intimidated, devalued and unloved. I feel like second best because he met me only after she broke up with him. I know she was horrible to him and judging from his posts, it sounds like I'm more of what he wants in a girl than she was. But for some reason my mind can't seem to process that she is in the past, she was bad to him, and he loves me now and hopefully loves me more and I'm more of what he wants than she ever was. I know everyone has loved in that past (including me!) so I should be able to accept that. I guess it's just actually reading his words and reading about him pining over her that hurts so much. I just wonder if he'd do the same for me or feels the same for me.

Anyway, I guess I'm just getting it all out there. I don't really know if I'm looking for advice or support, I just need something to make me feel better. I'm considering telling him what I did (I wasn't really snooping per se) just being curious. And I know he has read some posts I have made on a board before and I didn't care. So, I'm thinking about telling him what I read and that it was stupid of me and upset me, but just telling him that I need some reassurance that he loves me and that she's in the past and whatever he felt then doesn't matter. I really think if I can talk to him about it he can make me feel better and reassure me...

Last edited by Mary83; 08-13-2008 at 09:29 AM.

 
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Old 08-13-2008, 09:30 AM   #2
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Re: Why do we do things that make ourselves sick?!?

look at the dates.....if they are so long ago you must realize that he felt differently back then. Be happy you have a guy who has feelings and is capable of love and capable of caring about someone......there are many guys out there who aren't.
put a positive spin on this......

 
Old 08-13-2008, 09:37 AM   #3
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Re: Why do we do things that make ourselves sick?!?

Rosequartz, thanks for the advice. In a weird way, although the posts upset me, they did somewhat make me realize what a good guy he is. He said in there about how he has been taught to always value the one you love and treat her like she's a gift from God (awww) and stuff like that. Also, about how he's worried he'll never meet anyone else and how he doesn't understand because he's a really good guy and would never hurt or cheat on a girl (he was referring to his ex there about how he would never hurt or cheat on her, but still, I guess it counts). I know a lot of his trouble with letting her go was just being lonely. He didn't have many good friends he could talk to then and he doesn't speak to his family. So, she was basically his life. So I know that plays a huge part in it. I guess my biggest issue is that he says he never really loved her, but that he loved how she made him feel and that he didn't really know her. But in the posts he DEFINITELY loved her. He talked like she was the love of his life. That's what hurts...

And, although some of the posts were long ago, he and I met shortly after he moved here...so it was fairly soon after everything with her "officially" ended and they cut off contact for the most part. They had broken up months before that, but he was busy trying to get her back all the time in between.

I don't know. I met him shortly after I had ended a relationship too, but it was different. My relationship with my ex was loveless and should have ended a year or more before it did so I was totally ready to start dating as soon as I did.

 
Old 08-13-2008, 09:40 AM   #4
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Re: Why do we do things that make ourselves sick?!?

Ok, this is going to sound totally mean and harsh, so I apologize in advance...but why should he have to reassure and make you feel better about something YOU did? YOU chose to read something he wrote in the past and now you feel bad about it. I can't see why he should have to make you feel better about something you knew you shouldn't have done, but did anyway, not once but twice! If it were me, and someone I was dating did this, I'd probably tell him that he should have just left it alone. It's not like you caught him cheating, or found a love letter he wrote last week to another woman, or found recent messages to another woman, etc., etc. This was how he felt a few years ago! He should not have to try to make you feel better about something that happened in his past that has no bearing on your relationship.

This is your issue. I think you should keep it to yourself, unless you want to come across as insecure, jealous, and needy. Enjoy your present relationship and leave the past out of it.

 
Old 08-13-2008, 09:44 AM   #5
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Re: Why do we do things that make ourselves sick?!?

Just because a relationship fails, it doesn't mean the ex just *poof* disappears into some great beyond, never to be thought of or talked about ever again. Any adult will have baggage and loves in their past. Think about it from the other side. What if you really loved someone and did your best to be good to them, but they just felt that you just weren't "the one" for them. And you never met anyone else that had that connection with and you never met anyone else you could feel nearly as strongly about again, but they moved on to marry someone else. Hearing them carry on to their wife about how she was the only one he ever loved, no one else ever mattered, everyone else in the past wasn't really love, just practice, etc. Trust me, heaing that you meant nothing at all to the only man you ever had the chance to try to love would suck pretty good, too. A famoun rock star who I won't name had a rather serious relationship with an actress when they were both pretty young, and it didn't last and he married someone else. She's been married a couple of times but they didn't work and she freely admits even to this day, over 30 years later, that she never had that connection, that emotional intimacy, with anyone ever again that she had with him (kind of sad since she only like 17, 18 when they broke up) but he always has nice things to say about her, that she had wonderful energy and was a bright, wonderful girl that and she and the relationship meant a lot to him, but also says that he loves his wife completely. It's possible to really care for someone, have it just not work and still find deep, real love with someone else and still hold that other person in your heart in a way.

I like to think that when decent people take on the responsibility of a committed relationship, they always leave a little piece of themselves behind with that person, and that every person in their past meant something. Just because he had strong feelings for this woman at the time, and I actually hope they were genuine and not just feelings he "thought" he had, that doesn't mean he can't grown and mature and find more grown up, more healthy, better love with you. It should be perfectly ok that he really loved her, but acknowledged that it wasn't healthy to be with her, and that he's healthier and ultimately happier with you. He shouldn't have to deny what he felt for her and she shouldn't have to shrivel up and disappear for you to feel like he's yours now and what you have is real. It's just the reality of dating someone who has been in other relationships before you. While I feel it's sort of natural to feel a bit territorial and to want to know you're the only one who ever really "had" him, it's not entirely realistic. It would be a mistake to throw a monkey wrench into a really wonderful reality out of anger or frustration that it doesn't measure up to the fairy tale. That's why they're called fairy tales.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 08-13-2008 at 09:56 AM.

 
Old 08-13-2008, 12:13 PM   #6
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Re: Why do we do things that make ourselves sick?!?

He has a past just as we all do. I completely agree that most people don't want to know what their SO/husband did before them. With that being what you said, why would you go looking in the first place? And, when you found it why did you go back this morning to get another dose? Why would you torture yourself like that?

Honey, he loved her, he loves you. She is his past and whether you like it or not, she helped mold him into who he is today. You are his right now and possibly his future. She was a learning experience. You are the "real deal". You have to realize that for yourself and stop dwelling on what he said/did before you. I'm sure that there a few things you have said/done that you would be embarrassed about if your boyfriend found out, wouldn't you?

Take this as a lesson learned and don't go looking for things you don't want to find. Do your best to focus on the here and now with him. That's all you can control. You can't change the past.

Last edited by happymom28; 08-13-2008 at 12:14 PM.

 
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