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Old 08-13-2008, 09:52 AM   #1
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I Think I Have a Jealousy Problem

Hi everybody. I'm posting here because I've really been struggling a lot with jealousy this summer. Most of it has been really stupid, but here's the gist of it:

My girlfriend and I only get to see each other once or twice a week because of our schedules. She started making new friends at this new job she has, and she started going out and partying with them a lot.

I started getting paranoid and jealous of her friends, but it was stupid of me because she hadn't given me any real reason to suspect her of anything. I was just getting paranoid because I was bored (boring job had taken over my life). But then, she did give me a reason to start questioning her trust. We were out one night at a bar with some of her new friends, and she snuck off and had a cigarette with one of them. I caught her and I didn't know what to think. She had always told me how she thought smoking was disgusting and she said she would never do it. I was very upset because she was trying to hide it from me.

After that, we had a talk about how important it is to be honest and open with each other. I slowly began to recover my trust. But I am still sometimes obsessive of her with certain things.

Today {removed} I saw that one of her new friends posted two photos of her from when they went out last week. One of them was her dancing with a guy that I've never seen before (I know most of her coworkers). I started getting jealous about it, but then I tried to cool down.

Then, a few minutes later,{removed} I saw that she de-tagged herself from the two pictures, so that they wouldn't appear on her profile anymore. I was literally shaking with anger and fear. This seemed to confirm that she was still hiding things from me. I jumped to that conclussion, because I couldn't imagine why else she would take the tags off of those pictures, except because she didn't want me to see them.

I called her at work to ask her about them. She said that she took the tags off because she didn't want her older sister to see them. I guess she thought her sister would criticize her, or maybe show them to her parents. And she got all mad at me for calling her about it. She said it wasn't because of me and told me to get over it. I texted her to apologize and say that I'm not jealous of what she does with her friends (although really I kind of am), I just wanted to know if she was trying to hide them from me.

I was really stupid to call her like that. I should have waited a little bit and relaxed. Tell me though, after her hiding the smoking thing from me, don't I have a right to have trouble trusting her now? If my gut tells me that she's hiding something from me, and I see what seems to be evidence of her hiding something from me, was I really wrong to call her out on it?

She was telling me how she told her friend not to put them up. But I feel like, if you don't want people to see what you're doing, then maybe you shouldn't be doing it. Like, if she told me that she was trying to keep them from me because she thought I would get really jealous, I was going to say to her, "Oh, so it's ok to doing something that I don't like as long as I don't find out about it?"

I keep telling her that I'm ok with her going out with her friends and having a good time because that's what I'm supposed to do. But really, I'm not ok with it. I know this is a terrible thing to say. I don't want to be "that guy", the controlling and jealous boyfriend, but my feelings are just getting the better of me and I don't know how to control it. I don't want her going out and dancing with other guys. I only want her to dance with me. I only want her to go out with me. I don't want her going out and drinking with her friends. Only me.

How can I change my jealous attitude? Before this summer, I was never like this. But seeing some of these pictures really drives me crazy. I feel like if I told her how jealous I felt, she would just get really mad and she might want to break up. How can I change? And am I right to not trust my girlfriend? How can I start to trust her more?

Last edited by Moderator BAC; 08-14-2008 at 12:10 PM. Reason: Do not mention other websites. Read & Follow our rules! Thank you!

 
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Old 08-13-2008, 09:58 AM   #2
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Re: I Think I Have a Jealousy Problem

I don't know if you're really jealous or if this is just your gut instinct trying to tell you something........you should always listen to your gut.
if you don't trust someone, there's usually a reason why.....

 
Old 08-13-2008, 11:36 AM   #3
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Re: I Think I Have a Jealousy Problem

Too much can happen when you go out drinking with friends and dance with other guys. I think that you are right to be upset about it. She is just throwing her guilt back at you and making her misleading behavior YOUR problem.

I would tell her your true feelings about it. If she wants to break up with you for that then so be it. (I know, it is easy for me to say.)

 
Old 08-13-2008, 01:28 PM   #4
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Re: I Think I Have a Jealousy Problem

Well after much introspective thinking, I've realized that what happened today was both her fault and mine.

I think I mentioned her smoking problem on here? Me and her never really finished talking about it, and I think I forgave her too quickly for betraying my trust. Let's face it, we all hide things from each other, but for me, that was kind of a big deal. I think I should have let her know how upset I was and I should have made her work to regain my trust. Because we didn't finish talking about out, I guess I still don't completely trust her.

However, a big part of the reason I don't trust her is because of my own insecurity. She loves to dance. For me, dancing is a very intimate and sexual thing (especially the way people dance at the clubs today). I feel like I should be the only one who can dance with her. And if I could be with her every night, I'm sure I would be the only one dancing with her. But I'm not always there. She doesn't invite me out when she goes out with her coworkers, and because of my schedule, I can't always go anyway. She wants to dance, and I should trust her with her guy friends. But I'm insecure, so I don't. More on this later.

 
Old 08-13-2008, 07:24 PM   #5
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Re: I Think I Have a Jealousy Problem

I couldn't really finish my thought before, I was at work but it was the end of the day.

I'm insecure for a few reasons. Overall, I don't have the best confidence. This is something I've needed to work on for a while, but now I think it's more important than ever. I don't consider myself to be very smart, or sexy, or cool, but my girlfriend has always seen me that way. I guess I've never fully understood what she sees in me. When our sex life began to fizzle out, I think my insecurities started to grow. Sex is very important to me, not just because of "needs" or because it feels good, but I think it is really essential to a healthy adult relationship. She and I never do anything sexual together anymore, and we never really talk about our sex life, either. That makes it easier for me to believe that she's either losing interest in me, or she's more interested in other guys.

I think the majority of my insecurity stems out of that and out of the fact that we just don't get to see as much of each other as we used to.

 
Old 08-14-2008, 11:43 AM   #6
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Re: I Think I Have a Jealousy Problem

The way I see it is she has every right to go out with her friends and have a few drinks and dance and have a good time. I mean, I'm married and I still do that from time to time. The difference is (I believe) that I am honest with my husband about what I am doing. Much is the same way he is honest with me with what he does. We both know we can go out and have a good time with other people and we still come home to eachother.

I think the fact that she "hid" the smoking from you is really doing your head in. And yes, finding pictures like that and then them being taken off does make it look like she is hiding something. Perhaps it's that behavior from her that is really making you not trust her? Trust isn't a given, it needs to be earned and hiding things isn't a way to get it.

Have you thought about going out with her and her friends once in a while to get to know her better and what she does? Is this allowed? Do you do your own thing with your friends?

Talk to her and calmly explain why you feel the way you feel. It seems pretty valid when it seems like she is hiding things. But you can't go saying "I only want you to go out with me" or "I only want you to drink with me". That's not cool. You're her boyfriend, not her father. If she gets defensive or can't see your point of view then you may need to rethink whether or not you are truly compatible.

 
Old 08-15-2008, 11:36 AM   #7
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Re: I Think I Have a Jealousy Problem

I've thought it out over the last couple of days. I realized that jealousy is a natural emotion to have, but it is up to me to manage my jealousy and control how I act. I should not let suspiscion, jealousy and paranoia overwhelm me. I trust my girlfriend. I love my girlfriend. And the relationship that we've built up over the last year and a half is way too important for her to just throw away over some other guy, just because I'm not there.

The real problem is in my own head. I have low self-esteem right now, and I have some negative self perceptions that need to change. I realized, as I thought about my feelings and my jealousy, that I wasn't jealous because I don't trust my girlfriend. I was jealous and insecure because I didn't feel like I was good enough for her. I think, in my mind, it was easy for me to imagine her cheating on me because my low self-esteem made me feel like I deserved to be cheated on.

I realize now that I need to do more activities that are going to build my confidence and improve my self-esteem, but I also need to find a way to dispel some of the false beliefs I have about my self, such as feelings that I'm not good enough. I'm her boyfriend. We're in a serious relationship. That's something that no other guy in the whole world can say, so I should feel pretty good about that. Aside from maybe her family and her best friends, there is no one in the whole world who she is closer with. That's something pretty special, and I don't want to ruin it with false accusations built up by my imagination and paranoia. I don't think she's going to throw it away, either.

 
Old 08-15-2008, 11:47 AM   #8
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Re: I Think I Have a Jealousy Problem

Quote:
Originally Posted by happymom28 View Post
Have you thought about going out with her and her friends once in a while to get to know her better and what she does? Is this allowed? Do you do your own thing with your friends?
Early this summer, I made the concious decision that I probably wouldn't be able to go out to many parties with her and her coworkers. They like to go out in the city after work, during the week. But they all live in or near the city, so they can get home quickly after going to the bars and go right to bed, meaning they can still get up for work in the morning. I live about an hour and a half away from the city, and I have to be up at 5:30 every morning to catch my train to work. I decided I wouldn't be able to go out with them during the week, fearing that I would oversleep for work the next day.

Looking back, I probably could have pulled it off a couple of times, but I think it was good to give her some freedom to connect with her coworkers and make some new friends on her own. Sometimes a little space is greatly appreciated. But yes, in the future, I am going to try to involve myself more if possible. I will make plans with her during the week, and I will try to get myself invited out with her and her coworkers once in a while too. I would say I'm going to start doing this now, but our internships are both ending today, and we'll be going back to college next week.

Oh, and I'm also going to try spending more time with my own friends in the future. I've been a boring guy this summer. I knew I couldn't mess up this job, so a lot of nights I just stayed in and tried to get to bed early. My friends have been very understanding, but I'm not going to put them through that next summer.

 
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