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Ending a friendship......need some advice

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Old 08-13-2008, 05:01 PM   #1
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mary09 HB Usermary09 HB Usermary09 HB User
Ending a friendship......need some advice

Hi Everyone,
I really need some advice here. I have a friend who I have been close with since high school, she was even my maid of honor. As we got older, our lives got busy....she's very busy with her career, and I got married and got busy with a little boy. Our chances to get together got fewer and farther between, but I still enjoyed them. She is a really great person....and I admit she deserves better than the friend I've been to her.
I've been struggling with alot of family issues these past few years, illness, depression, and am really having a hard time balancing everything with work, raising my son, among all these difficulties. This time we went almost 2 years with no contact, and today I got an email from my friend. I really thought we had just lost touch.
She asked me if she had done something wrong, and hoped I was okay. I guess she thinks I cut her off. I thought we both just fell out of touch, as sadly sometimes friendships do.
But I know she would want to get together again, and I really dont have the energy at this point to reopen this friendship. I hope this doesnt make me sound like a horrible person, but after all my duties of the day are done, I have nothing left even for myself. We dont really have anything in common anymore. I know she still wants to be friends. Am I horrible for not wanting to rekindle this friendship? Should I force myself to be friends in respect of all the years we were close? I dont know what to do, I dont want to hurt her feelings, she is really nice. I just dont have any room for any more "demands" and I honestly believe that every relationship requires effort.....friendships included.
Has anyone out there encountered this? I emailed her back and told her she didnt do anything wrong, and I'm sorry she thought that. I told her I thought we had just lost touch, and that I hadnt contacted her because I had alot going on in my life these past couple of years. But I didnt suggest any further contact or getting together.
Help, I feel horrible now!!! What should I do?

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Old 08-13-2008, 05:22 PM   #2
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negot HB Usernegot HB User
Re: Ending a friendship......need some advice

Carsam, I want to ask you if you and your friend were really good friends at one point? I mean, did you have a real friendship or did you secretly have some resentments towards her? Did you have a lot in common at the time? Did you like each other's company? I hear you about having a lot of obligations, but I guess I can't relate to your feelings about this situation at all (don't misunderstand me please because I am in no way critisizing you). I have two young boys that are a handful and a lot of obligations (I have no help with house chores nor my kids) and yet would love to have more friends. I have a few female friends that are not married, nor have kids and still, we always have a lot to talk about. In other words, what I am trying to figure out is if you really don't want and have time for friends because you see them as obligations or if this friend is for some reason not somebody you want in your life. I just want to tell you that if you change your mind down the road, it may be too late. She may not want to continue the friendship at that point. You sat that you feel bad about this whole thing. Why do you feel bad? Do you feel guilty or is there another reason?

Last edited by negot; 08-13-2008 at 05:24 PM.

Old 08-13-2008, 06:22 PM   #3
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Re: Ending a friendship......need some advice

Yes, my friend and I were very close.....but we have disconnected over the past few years, and that is partly because I have had alot of family issues. I do not mean just "obligations", everyone has them, I mean family problems, alot of illness, death, very emotionally draining things to deal with. Balancing them on top of a full time job, raising a family, I just have had no time for anything else, I barely have a moment for myself. I am not saying I do not "want" friends in my life.....I am just saying that this "Particular" friendship, I feel we have outgrown....and at this point in my life, I dont feel we have the same connection and I just dont in my mind want to force myself to continue a friendship that I really have no time to put in to it. I do have a few other friends, but they are closer to me, and understand everything I've been through. I was just really asking really if anyone has drifted apart from friends and how do they manage it? When I say I feel bad, It's not that I feel guilty, because in life friendships do fade, I'm not an exception. I just feel bad, because she is a nice person, and I am not wanting to hurt her feelings, but think it's wrong to continue a friendship that I dont feel I want to rekindle as it has been a few years since we spoke and it just now feels "awkward".....
I'm not sure if that makes sense or not....

Old 08-13-2008, 07:31 PM   #4
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Re: Ending a friendship......need some advice

Hi Carsam,

Yes, had a friendship just like this. At one time, we were very close but like you things just got hectic in my life and even though I still loved her and was concerned about her I could no longer make an effort to support the friendship, nor did I want too. I think this might happen more than people are willing to admit.

Actually, things slowed way down when she re-married. We live in different cities and use to drive to see each other. Once she re-married and her new husband took up her spare time, I was actually a bit relieved. Like I said...I still love her...but truthfully do not have the time, energy nor the money to see her. After several months of not hearing from her...(I guess the honeymoon lasted a while) suddenly I get an email stating that she has been thinking of me and would like me to visit. I replied that I was happy to hear from her and maybe sometime in the future I could find time to get down there, but set no time and have no plans to do it. She sent me some recent photos, which I then told her how great her kids and new husband looked and we left it at that. I think if you don't want to resume this friendship then just be cordial and polite but do not commit yourself to seeing her. Tell her you hope things calm down enough in the future but right now you are overwelmed. If she is the nice person you say she is...she will understand.


Old 08-14-2008, 06:26 AM   #5
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mary09 HB Usermary09 HB Usermary09 HB User
Re: Ending a friendship......need some advice

Thank you, this is exactly how I feel. I'm relieved to find it's not just me and this happens, and hopefully it doesnt make me a bad person.
I did email her back, but she hasnt replied. She can be a very insecure person, so I am sure unless I sent her a very positive note saying I missed her and would like to get together, she probably was not happy with my message. I will just leave it for now, as I have something weighing on me right now, and really dont have room for any more worry today.

Thanks for your response!!

Old 08-14-2008, 11:33 AM   #6
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Re: Ending a friendship......need some advice

I think you should just be honest with her. Let her know how hectic things have been and how you just don't have all the extra time you once did. Tell her how much you value and appreciate her friendship and see if you can corespond via email or telephone for a while (if you want, of course) or mention trying to reconnect when things get sorted out.

I just wouldn't leave her hanging. Be honest with her about your feelings and everything going on. I think a real friend would understand.

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