This is my first post here and I really hope that someone can help me here.
I have been with my bf for just over a year now and through that time we have had lots of issues, mainly concerning him being on a website, talking to different girls with apparently intentions to meet up with them. He keeps denying it and always has said that I am the first girl that has ever got him to think about marriage. And that I am the only girl he can ever see himself get married to. We broke up after this website thing ( I was suffering from depression at the time as well) and after a week he came back to me and we have been relatively ok for the last 6 months. Well sort of... he keeps saying that he doesn't want pressure from anyone about commiting to me. Making any changes in his life to make him more suitable as my marrying partner. i.e, to get a good job and further his education, as he has only got his GNVQ. Although he is really trying to do these things now.. and has on many times talked to me seriously about fixing his life
Quiet recently I found him again on that website, talking to more girls.. and it really shocked me that he went back on that site again, after what it had done to our relationship previously. He lied to me about alot of things, and it made me really suspect about him. He deleted his profile yesterday, but then , I found out that he has a profile on an adult dating site. he last visited this profile 4 days after my mum came to london to visit me. He hasn't come onto that site in over a month, but i don't know when he created that profile. I know he was really anxious and worried about meeting my mum and both our parents meeting up.. again to talk about marriage.
I really don't know what to think here. Am I just making excuses for him, or is he a commitment phobic. He is very very loving towards me, and has brought me very close to his family. But i feel on many things he keeps me at arms length and is secretive. I am very confused,, because no one can deny how much he loves me.. its genuine and very sincere.. but then i can't explain these websites.. I really hope someone here can help me!
Thank you! And i'm very sorry about the long message!
Last edited by ms_mod; 08-15-2008 at 04:56 PM.
Reason: Removed banned word. If a word comes up like this *** in your post that word is banned on this website. Ms_Mod
I don't know if you mentioned your age on here, but it sounds to me like this guy isn't in to committing. I know, I know, I don't know him like you do....I've been there. I dated a guy in high school who did the same crap. he was a lot older than me and would go to bars before I was even old enough to get into them. I was *sure* he was hooking up with girls at bars, but he would always come back to me and tell me the same story...it's me he wanted to marry...blah blah blah....
ANyway, this gy and I broke up and I met my husband who I have been with for 11 years. he is an angel...we have two kids together...and although there wasn't the heart fluttering drama that went with the ex, I am so glad I chose my husband. SOmetimes we get attatched to all that drama and think it's what a relationshiop is supposed to be...but it's not. You want someone who is about you and only YOU. If you dont trust someone, there is nothing there. If you end up marrying this guy, you (and he) will resent it. You will probably have a kid or two to try to save the relationship, but in the end, it will probably end in divorce. Because if you have trust issues...then what else is there?
Last edited by ms_mod; 08-15-2008 at 04:55 PM.
Reason: Removed parts of post that no longer apply. Ms_Mod
My goodness meee - seems to me you've answered you own question.
This guys' a looser, and he will drag you down if you allow it.
Stand firm, move on, retain your values and ditch him NOW!
Thank you all for your replies. So your all saying he is not a commitment phobic then?
Keeping in mind that he had me around him and his family (something he has never done before) when his dad passed away.. and he had me sit with him at some traditional prayers along with his mum and brother.. infront of his whole family at his dad's memorial. He has told everyone in his family that he is going to marry me. Maybe I am trying to rationalise him.. and he's nothing but a jerk.. i don't know.. all i know is how we have been for a year now.. its been great.. perfect infact. Seeing that he hasn't been on the site for over a month now.. and there is no way of finding out when he created the account.. I don't know if he made it on te spur of the moment and never went back on again after meeting my mum (when he told me it wasn't so scary and that he is going to try very hard to win my mum over.. because he wants her blessings when he asks for my hand in marriage).
The website is not a dating website per say.. its a sex website. I created a profile on there.. and the vast majority of ppl that approach you want to talk dirty over the net.. with a rare amount of ppl actually wanting to meet up. And also.. he only goes on this site in the morning.. before 9am.. so maybe he's using the site as some guys use porn? Not that this in any means excuses his behaviour.. but maybe there is a logical explanation to this? Besides him just straight out cheating on me? I don't know.. i know i know.. i'm rationalizing.. I haven't talked to him in a couple days because I want some space.. and I am going to confront him and end things.. I just honestly hope he changes.. not that i am holding my breath on it.. I trust him with everything.. except women.. ha.. because firstly i'm insecure.. and now this.
thanks for all your replies though.. i'm trying to be firm here.. i just can't understand why?
Well, I'm sorry it's come down to you having to end things, but it sounds like it's for the best. Does he know that you know he's been on these sites and what it's making you think? I imangine he does since he's told you he wouldn't go back and then did. But it seems if he wanted to look at porn, he'd look at porn. He joined this site because he wants to make use of what it offers. And you can't change him, you can't save him, you can't fix him, and you can't love him into loving you.
No he only knows that i kow about the one website. that he has deleted. He doesn't know that I know about this sex site. I really am stuck here.. I haven't talked to him in a couple of days and i'm torn between so many emotions. I just know that he's been lying to me.. I can't say with 100% certainty that he has cheated on me.. but it seems the intention was there. I feel like i'm stuck in a hard place right now.. and i have so many things to think about now. When did he lie to me? etc.. I'm 24 by the way and he is 28. so we;re not kids anymore.. but ijust can't believe he would do this to me.. to anyone infact.. not when he's told me that i've turned him into a one woman man.. all this year can't have been all a lie.. could it?