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Old 08-15-2008, 08:38 PM   #1
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Cakies HB User
engagement ring issue

Hi, My boyfriend and I have discussed marriage we've been together for 4 years, lived together for just about 3 months now, Im 22 and he is 23. We were not going to get engaged until I finish up my degree, in about a year, I have already started working as an intern teaching music and he has his career teaching english. I also work part time in a jewelry store. My store just got some estate jewelry, meaning it's pre owned and therefore less expensive I was also informed by my boss that I still receive my 45% discount off this estate jewelry. I saw the most perfect engagement ring among this jewelry. This ring would save him a huge amount of money. I just don't know how to bring this up to him. I don't want to take all the romance out of it and I don't want him to feel like we need to get engaged now. I just know this ring wont last long and I love it and it's soooo cheap. Im talking less than one pay check cheap and was apraised for more than twice the price I'd pay for it with my discount. I don't want him to spend thousands on a ring, I know he will if l let him go on his own and pick one out because thats how he is he would want the biggest best ring he could afford and I would be just as pleased with this ring. How do I tell him about it without sounding like a little brat saying buy me this ring? Even if he bought it I would be fine with him not giving it to me until he's ready. If I tell him this is the ring I want am I taking away the whole process of surprising me and picking out a ring for me? Any Guy opinions would be greatly appreciated as well a female opinions. Thanks

 
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Old 08-16-2008, 12:43 AM   #2
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Re: engagement ring issue

I would be honest with him. Say that there is this ring that you absolutely love and he can buy it for you and hold on to it until you get engaged. Tell him that when the time comes for him to buy you a ring, you may not find one that you like as much as this particular ring. I don't think at all that this sounds bratty. The two of you have been together long enough and it is clear to both of you that you will get engaged even if it won't happen tomorrow that i think it is perfectly ok to tell him this.

 
Old 08-16-2008, 02:23 AM   #3
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waratah HB User
Re: engagement ring issue

Hi Cakies,
I'm with you Nelli. The two of you are going to make a life together, now start communicating as a team, being honest is very different to being a bratt.
What if the BF bought you a really nice ring of his choosing, and you out of love for him pretended that it was the most admired thing he had ever though of . . . . .yuck!

Just bite the bullet, have THE DISCUSSION, be honest and sympathetic to his views too and find some middle gound. Perhaps you may even score two rings from this engagement. One from him to you, and one from both of you to you - hope this makes sense.
And the love that goes with estate jewellery is very special too: It carries forward I believe, Good luck and let us know how it goes.
Regards, waratah

 
Old 08-16-2008, 05:19 AM   #4
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matter of time HB User
Re: engagement ring issue

The reality is most women do pick the engagement ring. Often when a man does surprise a woman with a ring, he does so knowing he can exchange it if she doesn't like it.

My husband proposed spontanteously and I later selected stone and setting. So it was a surprise seeing it made and when he gave it to me.

 
Old 08-16-2008, 05:53 AM   #5
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GypsyArcher HB User
Re: engagement ring issue

If you love this ring so much, why not just buy it for yourself? And wear it without any meaning attached?

If you know that your boyfriend is the type who'd want to go out and get you the biggest, baddest engagement ring he can find, why take that away from him? Plus, you'd be in danger of making the engagement seem all about the ring.

So if you can't live without this particular ring - buy it for yourself
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Old 08-16-2008, 08:04 AM   #6
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Cakies HB User
Re: engagement ring issue

I think I will talk to him about it. It's not that I can't live without this ring to be honest a ring is not all that important to me I want one because of what it symbolizes not because I want an expensive trophy. I hardly wear any jewelry at all actually so buying the ring just to wear cuz I like it is not appealing to me and if I bought my own engagement ring I would deffinetly hurt his pride. The truth is he's a teacher he dose not make a ton of money and thats ok. I don't want him to spend a lot of money he dosen't have on a ring. I don't want him to have to take out credit and make payments. With my discount this ring cost $500 it was appraised for $1600. I think I will talk to him tonight and in the end I'll leave it up to him.

 
Old 08-16-2008, 08:59 AM   #7
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ilovejohnv624 HB User
Re: engagement ring issue

Buy the ring yourself or at least tell your boss you'd like to put it on layaway and make installment payments. That way when a year comes and he discusses marriage again, you can say " Oh I know exactly what I would like and it wont cost you a fortune" ....and you dont risk losing it to another buyer.

 
Old 08-16-2008, 09:05 AM   #8
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ilovejohnv624 HB User
Re: engagement ring issue

Sorry to butt in again but I saw your other message where you stated " dont want to get a ring just to have a ring"...that is a GREAT point...I myself do not wear any jewelry at all besides my watch ( leather strap...nothing fancy) but my fiancee insisted although I told him I wiould hardly wear it..( weddings, funerals, etc maybe).I offered him to use his money and he wear the ring but I was shot down...needless to say a 1,500$ ring was bought and ummm it is in its box in my panty drawer...money wasted! I would have just prefered spend the money on good bands when we do get married ( nope havent married him yet)but he said he liked the symbolization .....I think I am more of a man than him!

 
Old 08-16-2008, 09:52 AM   #9
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Re: engagement ring issue

well I will wear my engagement ring everyday. I like this ring a lot its simple just a solitare. I don't want him to spend a lot and this is best of both worlds it looks like he spent a lot but he wouldn't have to. I did put the ring on hold I can hold it up to a month. My boss is a nice guy and I bet he would let me hold it longer if needed because estate jewelry doesn't have a huge profit margin.

 
Old 08-20-2008, 05:22 PM   #10
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ilovejohnv624 HB User
Re: engagement ring issue

I am just not a jewelry person...I was thinking of maybe turning the ring in and just get a good wedding band in return when we do tie the not....I am really awful with that poor ring...thats why it stays in my drawer mostly....I heard that you should wash your hands with your diamond ring because of soap scuma nd all..so ther have been 2 instances when I wore the ring to work and left it on a shelf because I forgot to put it back on...I am SO lucky someone didnt snatch it....so i keep the baby at home and wear it only on rare occassions....I am better off with just a band and then be worry free....do what YOU feel will make you happy...I dont think your asking much at all but I also worry that you might lose out on that ring by waiting too long...just keep talking to him about it I am sure he;ll come around and finally get it...sometimes guys dont get our subtle hints til we knock them on their *** with them....

 
Old 08-20-2008, 05:56 PM   #11
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Re: engagement ring issue

I'd encourage you to think about a few aspects of this beyond "money". Money can be burned and earned in seconds.

First, you're talking about purchasing PRIOR to his asking you to marry him - your own engagement ring. If I were going about it that route (given I did buy all four of my engagement and wedding rings!), I'd think twice. You're basically telling him the privilege of marrying me is going to cost you nothing - it should cost me to have the privilege to marry you. I'll buy my ring to show your desire for me, and I'll buy your ring to show my desire for you.

At least, I never bought the engagement rings until I'd forced a proposal out of them! But if your'e going to buy your own engagement ring in this case, I wouldn't consider it as an 'engagement ring" - regarding "this" relationship. I'd say this is youpurchasing your own engagement ring for whoever you marry in the future - be it this guy or someone else.

Secondly, ask yourself what sort of partnership is it going to be really - if you don't allow the man who considers it a privilege to marry you - to bestow that ring to you? Aren't you kind of saying "we'll do things MY way, here's the ring - get down on one knee, no - 3 inches to the left it's a better light". I can say that two of my ex husbands didn't care one way or the other whether i had an engagement or wedding band....so me buying my own was the only way I was going to get it in thos reltionships....and it was improtant to me to have, and in the sense that I was providing to me what was important to me - that's responsible and mature. In that I was failing to acknowledge what was apriority to me was NOT a priority to him - that was a major error on my part and it's what broke up those two marriages - disparity in values, goals, and priorities.

The other two.......both times my impetus appears to be what is driving you "they don't have much money and I don't want them to break themselves funding a ring, but i want a specfic type of ring, an image". I rationalized it as "only fair" that i paid for my half.....after I picked it out.....and paid for my half!

Both of those men thought it was very emasculating....to walk into the jewelry store to find I had already been there anticipating this moment, decided on my ring, paid my half...so all they "owed" was half. Both went along with it at the time - looking back and even at the time, I could acknowledge that they were both visibly uncomfortable with what ws happening, both tried to talk to me about how they felt, what they thought about the whole "process" as I had manipulated it....and I was having none of it. I'd spent WAYYY too much time in the jewelry store and in my head envisioning me being "bridezilla" to hear what they had to say. I just kept teling them what I wanted them to hear- while hearing nothing of what they said at all "it's okay, i paid my half, that is how I want our relationship to be equal".

I'm going to tell you that I missed the mark....because for most women - the purpose of all this fluff and foolishness is the hallmark/kodak/calgon/commercial moments that they've envisioned having in thier lives...and those moments are important to have. I wanted someone desperately to want me - the way I wanted ot be wanted - i had that symbolized in rings and other actions or elements...and so on nd so forth.

So to sum it up - I'd ask yourself if you're prepared to fund the whole ring, and it not be an engagement ring - if for some reason this relationship ends before marriage occurs.....or if he balks entirely at this approach to "his part' of asking for your hand and providing the proof of his devotion.

Are yu prepared to live with a marriage where you look back adn realize "hey, as a single woman I went out and chose my engagement ring - how whacked is that?" and it is kind of whacked...if you think about it. While uou're rationalizing it under a savings, and wanting him to not be broke - what you're really screaming is "I want to be loved, wanted, cherished, and that is what engagement and marriage represents to me." So yuo're out here buying the trousseau.....before you have a groom.

I would think that could be extremely mentally and emotionally debilitating if your relationships fail - having so much xpectation on everything moving "int the future" - that you fail to assess the realities of the present.

Bottom line - don't do it It's money. It's nothing in the grand scheme of things.

If youhave a particular type of ring you want.......okay - great, I get that. Wait for him to at least ask you to marry him....and go to the jewelry store with him and see what type of deal can be made at that time - that you both agree to the ring, th price, and the price-split between you.....and then don't go pay it out early and "let him pay you back' bcause you can't stand not to have it on your finger.

But right now - I'd think you're making a terrible mistake. I can see it being emotionaly devastating for you in so many regards and aspects...and I can see him taking it very personaly and negatively that you've done this, and how it demeans his position in the relationship.

 
Old 08-20-2008, 10:00 PM   #12
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Cakies HB User
Re: engagement ring issue

I don't really care if he gets the ring or not. Like I said it's not that important. In the end he said he'd consider it but he thinks it's too cheap. He does want to spend more to marry me. I think something you said about him having to pay alot for a ring to show me he loves me and wants to pay for the privilage of marrying me is a bit off. When he proposes Im saying yes no matter what ring he uses or even if he doesn't get a ring. He isn't buying my love for the rest of my life, I'm giving it to him. Basically he said He'll go look at the ring without me and maybe he'll buy it, maybe he won't I'll just have to wait and see. I'll find out on the big day. I'd be happy with any ring the reason I told him about this is because it's a good deal and I like it. Im not that particiular about jewlery.

Last edited by Cakies; 08-20-2008 at 10:03 PM.

 
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