So, like many of you on this board I am in dire need of some un biased opinions. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years. He has been wonderful for most of the relationship. We would always go to movies, go on walks, have good talks, and just pay attention to each other and what the other one wanted.
However, eventually this started to change.
Example #1 We do "hang out" a lot, but we never do anything other then work when we are together (he runs his own business and the work is never ending). We do not live together so it is not like we see each other all the time. If he does not focus on work, he then either looks at cars or real estate on the internet. He has claimed that if i was interested in looking at cars or real estate then we would get along better. He is obsessed with money and is incapable of rejecting clients, which makes him unbelievably busy and unable to take even an evening off. I really feel as though he would pick a 5,000 contract over me...
"Watching a movie" is the only other activity we do when we are hanging out other than work...which means doing something sexual and then falling asleep because he works so hard during the day and has no energy afterwards.
Example #2 It seems that i just cannot get him to laugh any more He used to laugh all the time. I really notice how little he laughs around me when we are out with other people. His brothers and friends make him laugh so easily. I do not know why i cant. He is so happy and has such a good time whenever anybody else is around. I do not know what im doing wrong.
Example #3 I absolutely love to give gifts...no matter what the occasion. However, i started to find the gifts either broken, lost or just tossed anywhere into a pile of junk (gifts worth hundreds of dollars). I know that he doesnt mean anything by it...but it still hurts my feelings.
Example #4-I feel as though i try to talk to him about this ALL the time and he just doesnt GET IT....or he just doesnt care enough to give a crap. The other day i told him i was unhappy in the relationship (as i started crying), and he just looked at me blankly and stated "hmm Lydia on johnston street needs her house done this week". I just couldnt believe that i had told him i was unhappy in the relationship and the first thing he says is something about a client....i just dont know what to do.
It doesnt seem as though he ever wants to be around me...other then when he feels he has made me sad and wants to make up for it. Its always me making the plans, and me trying to make him happy, i just want him to want to be with me.
I know he loves me but it seems as though he doesnt want to give me any effort. 'Its always me setting up the plans and me trying to work on our relationship and make it better. It doesnt seem like he has the desire to make sure we are both happy. I love him so much and i would do anything for him I just wish I could get him to treat me the same.
What should I do? Sorry if this is a little bit confusing.
Have you asked him if he is happy? It doesn't sound like he is. If you are unhappy and he is unwilling to participate in this relationship then there is nothing more you can do. Ask him if you two can talk and discuss everything or maybe go to counseling together.
If he won't put forth any effort into maintaining the relationship and keeping you around, then perhaps it is time for you to go. Keep in mind that although you may love him dearly, you can't make him change. I hope for your sake that he at least talks to you sincerely so that you know where you stand.
He doesn't love you and that 5000 contract would come before you. He sounds so immature and self centered and to discard a gift that you give him is certainly a major get out of dodge clue. Actually you do not have a relationship...or should I say it is absolutely one sided. I guess the only way you would know is to stop doing all that you do for a month or two and see what happens. If he isn't willing to give up the 24/7 work mode then this will be your future. So if this is what you want then there ya go. He doesn't have to change if you don't insist on it...People can only treat you the way you allow them to. Good luck
i have asked him if he was happy multiple times..and its weird because he is surprised that i am unhappy because he doesnt think that there is anything wrong with the relationship. argh. thanks for the advice
Well, 1)all he ever wants to do with you is have sex, doesn't want to take you out or even take a walk with you, 2) He doesn't find you amusing and good company, and doesn't laugh at your jokes, 3)you've wasted hundreds of hard earned dollars on gifts that he doesn't appreciate in the least, and 4) you've told him outright how you feel and he disregarded and disrespected your feelings to such a shocking degree that he didn't just minimize or trivialize what you said, but he didn't even acknowledge it.
I'm sorry to say, iwantlove, but he couldn't be more clear if he was wearing a bright pink neon sign that said "I'M JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!!!" He is no longer interested in seeing you and just can't be bothered to tell you. He's hoping that one day you will just give up and go away. I know that hurts so badly that you will be really tempted to say "no way, you dont' know him, that cant' be true!!" But my question to you, iwl, is, why do you want to stay with a man who treats you so badly and neglects you to such a degree? Don't you think you're good enough a catch to deserve someone who really respects and cares for you, who will listen when you talk, who is invested in his relationship with you, who cares enough about you to make room for you in his life, who thinks you're smart and funny and enjoys your company, who loved the things you do for him and give him because he loves you (and by the way, I still have and cherish all the little trinkets my ex gave me, not because they are so valuable, but because HE gave them to me, and to me, that makes them priceless). If you don't love yourself enough to believe you deserve someone who will treat you like I've spelled out, then your problem is not your boyfriend, your problem is your very low self esteem. If you think you DO deserve to be treated well and have a healthy, invested, good relationship with someone who really cares, then what are you waiting for? You will never have it with this guy, and as long as you're with him, you are not free to go out and find the man who will treat you well.
You seem to be asking, how can I fix him, how can I change him, or how can I love him into loving me again. The answer is, you can't do any of the above. You cannot change another person's behavior. All you can change is how you react to it. Crying, pleading, talking, loving him more, hasn't worked. Sounds to me like the only thing you haven't tried is being confident and self respecting enough to walk out the door. My guess is because you're afraid he won't come after you if you do. But honey, if he wouldn't come after you, then what will you be losing? Nothing, really. Stop wasting time wishing he could become someone he has no interest in becoming. There's someone else out there who will treat you better, and you're missing out on him because of this jerk. Trust me, I really do know from where I speak. And the thing is, we always think that we need to see it through, follow our heart, and if it turns out to be a mistake, then we will find someone better when we are ready to. But that's not how it happens. I wasted two years of my life with a neglectful, inattentive, unappreciative jerk, thinking I could find that magic key, if I only did this or that better he'd love me like he did the first three months of the relationships. and in the meantime, I turned down a really nice guy who was interested in me because I still wanted it to work with the jerk. But it didn't. The jerk finally got tired of pretending he gave a damn and left, and is now happily married with three beautiful step daughters and living a wonderful, happy life with a family, and I'm still alone, single and childless. Life doesn't always give you a second chance, and it doesn't always unfold the way you'd like it to. I thought I was only wasting two years of my life hoping Mr. Jerk would turn into Mr. Right, but it turned out that I wasted my entire life because I didn't jump on the one opportunity to go out with someone else nice, and another opportunity never came along, and I was never able to create another opportunity despite 10 years of online dating, reading dating tip books, Dr. Phil, changing my wardrobe, hair, losing weight, having friends fix me up, etc. Please don't waste your entire life, too. You never know when the next chance will be your last chance. Sometimes you need to just tell your heart to shut up and love yourself enough to move away from what your head knows is a bad situation. People who aren't able to look out for themselves like this are the people who end up alone.
Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 08-17-2008 at 08:15 AM.
It really isnt like this all the time though..its like he does it in spurts. It has been like this before and then he like snapped out of it...and now its back to his bad self. He has only been like this for about a month this time...so its hard to give up on a 3 year relationship for a bad month here and there.
Also, When he totally disgregarded my "i am unahppy in the relationship" plea...he did later acknowledge it and felt bad about it. I just dont want to give up yet. I know that i am defending him...i just cant help it. grrrr.
You guys are just not compatible. He is way to into work and he is ignoring you and all you are saying. I'm not saying he doesn't love or care about you, but he is not giving you what you need.
You've tried talking to him and it seemed to have fallen on deaf ears. What else can you do? You can stay with him and be miserable and trying desparately to get him to participate in your relatioship to no avail or you can move on and find someone who gives you what you need on all levels.
Remember, you can't change him. You either accept him at face value (and I know I wouldn't) or you move on. It really is that simple.