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Old 08-18-2008, 08:46 AM   #16
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Re: What's your opinion of certain age gaps in relationships?

Realize what you're saying - she's seen you on dark and sunnny days - and been supportive.

That's what kids do - they are supportive, they're obedient, they're subservient.

You've had dark and sunny days - because you've got a more diverse contingent of responsibliities, obligations ,and options.

But she has not had these dark and sunny days - because she's living in a sheltered environment with a security net. When she has these times - she's going to be in new territory - and she's going t have the 'expectations' of a child - which is to have it fixed, or at least her feelings and needs addressed by someone else - to some extent.

But what she won't be is "there for you with sunny unconditional support" - she's going to be in a transition phase from childhood to more of a self-resonsible/self-directed adult.

If youo review what your life has been like - since leaving home and going to college - think of the experiences you've had, the obstacles you've had to overcome, the self-identity you've had to create.

She hasn't done that yet....right now you're thinking this works becuase like a child - she's unconditionally supportive and sunny.

Are you prepared to be there for her positively and supportively - when she's trying to figure out why people are like they are, and things are as they are, and why nobody is rushing to her rescue and aid?

 
Old 08-18-2008, 09:13 AM   #17
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Re: What's your opinion of certain age gaps in relationships?

Understand something here... I completely respect you taking the time to offer an unbiased opinion on the situation, I really do, but I honestly think that we're not on the same exact page... mostly due to the fact, besides my words spoken here, you have no clue who I am or who she is.

The thing that struck me as "not relating to her" was what you said about her being 18 and being child-like. This isn't just me sticking up for her because of my biased situation, but one thing I really admire about her is how hard she works. Her parents are very hard on her to keep working, keep up a solid momentum, and never slow down. Her parents give her nothing except dinner and a roof. Her car, bills, everything she does on her own.

College? For me? I commutted. I didn't live on campus. It's about 50/50 whether she'll commute to college or not... it's all about weighing the financial situations at hand.

But I'm just trying to stress her case here, she's not your typical beenie boppin 18 year old care-free girl who drives a Trans Am that daddy got her. She drives a clunker that she worked hard to pay for and has busted her *** to get to where she's at.

Quite frankly, I think that's why I started to really look at her outside of the friend realm. I've always had two jobs, and I've always worked long hours, and yet I'm still left barely able to get by with the bills I got. It annoys me to see girls my age lovin life in their new house and brand new car and blah blah. What I like to see is a girl who appreciates a crappy car that she bought all by herself. A girl who pinches pennies to buy a simple curling iron and has to budget on her own.

So, just take that into consideration. I absolutely agree with you on the college thing, I do believe that her and I are in two different positions when it comes to that. But at the same time, considering her dating history (she hasn't really dated the nicest guys...), I think she's afraid to get involved again unless she knows it'll be her last time having to make that decision. Unlike my ex, who went to college and suddenly forgot who I was, I don't think she's one to act like my ex. My ex was somebody who feeds off of the "in" crowd... which, happened to be the "wrong" crowd and got herself into some trouble. Although anything can happen and people may change and who knows what else, I can't help but to believe that this girl is a 'home sweet home' girl that won't let go of anybody close to her until you do something drastic to justify it.

I'm not trying to paint this picture as if it's supposed to cater towards my desires... but it's honestly what I've seen, even before I started to become interested... it's just the way the girl seems to tick.

Thank you again. I would appreciate anymore insight that may be offered.

 
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Old 08-18-2008, 09:40 AM   #18
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Re: What's your opinion of certain age gaps in relationships?

Personally, I wouldn't understand what you're concerned about regarding the age gap.

It's no big deal - 4 years. This is a critical four years for osme people in light of life experiences and options. This is a transition period.

But you dating a high school senior while your'e a college graduate, shouldn't present a problem.

Date, enjoy, if she becomes someone in her own right that is not similar to who she is now - you'll adapt and overcome, etc.

If it limits where she can go with your peer group - I could see that causing social issues.

 
Old 08-18-2008, 09:40 AM   #19
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Re: What's your opinion of certain age gaps in relationships?

18 is an adult...not a child! Regardless if she's in school still or whatever. Anyone trying to say that she's a child isn't thinking correctly! She's 18!!

I was dating my EX husband when I was in highscool and he was already into a career in management.
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Last edited by BeaTrade; 08-18-2008 at 09:42 AM.

 
Old 08-18-2008, 01:38 PM   #20
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Re: What's your opinion of certain age gaps in relationships?

I heard a simple rule about dating young people that I like: "Leave them in better shape than you found them."

If both of you are responsible and caring then the relationship will only benefit both of you, regardless of whether you end up together or not.

 
Old 08-18-2008, 11:30 PM   #21
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Re: What's your opinion of certain age gaps in relationships?

Okay, several updates...

So, she came over tonight, we got closer, we talked, blah blah.

We're not "together" just yet. We had one of those blunt honest talks, just getting everything out on the table. She said she's the type where she likes to start relationships with people she's known for a while, which is typically friends (like me). At the same stake, she's always worried about losing a friend if the relationship fails.

I said hey, no problem, let's just not hook up quite yet and see what happens tomorrow? She seemed a little shocked, but almost like "hey, yeah, that's a good idea." So, for the time being, we're not dating, however... it seems pretty obvious that it'll happen relatively soon. I think it'd just be a wise move for both of us to relax a few more days and see what happens, despite the fact I think both of our guts are saying the same thing!

We also talked about the work situation. Right away, she was like, yeahhhh... that was a thought I was thinking about too... I said well, would it be a problem (assuming we did indeed hook up) that it could.. you know, lay low a little bit? She said oh yeah, that wouldn't be a problem. She said it with confidence which made me feel a little bit better. So... I guess we'll just see what happens! But I have a strong feeling her and I will end up dating... If not, I'd be really shocked.

So we'll see what happens! Thanks to all for your input. We'll see what tomorrow brings!

 
Old 08-19-2008, 03:54 AM   #22
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Re: What's your opinion of certain age gaps in relationships?

the age gap is not a problem and the fact she is in high school and you have a career should not be a problem. im 23, my boyfriend is 33. im in my 3rd year at university and i have one more year next year. my boyfriend got his 10 years last year at his previous company and even went to new york for a business trip. he changed companies and now is in a management position and im still at uni. i met him when i was 19 and i just graduated from high school at 19 after living overseas for a year. we were friends for about 2 years before we got together officially before my 22nd birthday. one of his friends is also 33 and his wife is 23. they are married and she started going out with him when she was 17 and he was 27. she married him when she was 19. they were also friends for ages and their parents are friends. they met when she was like 13. we are all happy and the age differences and the fact they met us when we were in high school was not an issue. princess diana got engaged to prince charles when she was 18, charles was 31. you are both so young so just enjoy yourselves and whatever happens happens. age is just a number and she will eventually catch up and end up with a career like you. there are some very mature 18 year olds out there and some very immature 30 year olds out there so dont let age decide on the maturity of an individual because its not always clear. good luck.

Last edited by shorti; 08-19-2008 at 03:55 AM.

 
Old 08-22-2008, 10:48 PM   #23
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Re: What's your opinion of certain age gaps in relationships?

Okay, a couple updates her.

So her and I have been getting really close, had a few serious talks and such, and there's a few things pretty obvious.

There's no doubt her and I are falling for one another. We've kissed and had some pretty romantic moments together. I brought up with her about moving forward, she seemed a little hesitant. I said no problem, take our time and see what happens.

That was about 2 days ago. Today her and I were watching tv, laying close, and she randomly asked an interesting question.

"Do you think we can be together, but not really make it a public thing?"

Hm, interesting. There's a few curve balls to this.

For one, I have no problem with that. I think it'd be fun. Secondly, if anything it would help me considering I work in the district she goes to.

But I had to wonder, why? What sparked "that" sort of question? After some hesitation and me prying at her, she spilled the beans. She said I have zero problem with you being 22, but sometimes I just wonder if you'd go to a bar and meet a cool girl there. I was like, uh, no, the only people at bars are old men... Plus, you (talking to this girl) are so damn awesome, I just wouldn't find anybody else who competes.

Plus, I think her past relationships weren't the best. She's an independent girl, yet she says she's falling hard for me, unlike anything else she's been involved with. Plus, she's petrified that something bad will happen and our relationship would fall and take the friendship with it.

I think on one hand it'd be kind of fun... nobody knowing for sure, let them figure it out. But at the same token, it's a spin on things. For one, it'll be beneficial for me considering my job @ her school, but on the flip side, part of me keeps wondering exactly why. I asked her if it was something with me, that maybe she didn't want to own up to dating somebody a few years older. She about crapped herself and yelled NO! If anything it'll be hard not to show you off to everybody!

She also brought up some high school things, like prom. Something we'll work out closer to time, but she was like I just don't want to be the girl to drag you to things you wouldn't have fun at, assuming I wouldn't enjoy myself at prom due to the fact I've been to two and I've already graduated. I'd go for her sake, but it's something I'd have to feel out closer to time considering my job at the school and all. But nonetheless, I tried to make her realize that I'm really not that much older than her and high school is a thing of my very recent past.

Don't get me wrong, we had the "exclusive" talk... it's not an open ended invitation to go around and do whatever you want with other people. It's her + me, nobody else, nadda... just us. Just... a little quieter in the "Hi, this is my girlfriend" realm.

Make sense?

What do you folks think? What would you feel in my position?

I think deep down she's just trying to play her cards right to cover every angle of the spectrum from any sort of downfall or negative attentiton. (my job, our friendship, etc). But it was just a different question asked of me, not something I expected.

Thoughts?

 
Old 08-23-2008, 12:15 PM   #24
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Re: What's your opinion of certain age gaps in relationships?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ICFK1 View Post

That's what kids do - they are supportive, they're obedient, they're subservient.

But what she won't be is "there for you with sunny unconditional support" - she's going to be in a transition phase from childhood to more of a self-resonsible/self-directed adult.

If youo review what your life has been like - since leaving home and going to college - think of the experiences you've had, the obstacles you've had to overcome, the self-identity you've had to create.

She hasn't done that yet....right now you're thinking this works becuase like a child - she's unconditionally supportive and sunny.

Are you prepared to be there for her positively and supportively - when she's trying to figure out why people are like they are, and things are as they are, and why nobody is rushing to her rescue and aid?
are you kidding me! Not everybody has "life changing" experiences in college..that magically make them grow from a child to an adult! Sure its a time to grow and mature, but many 18 year olds are much more mature than some 30 year olds! I am 18 and im in my second year of college (i'm from canada and we start school earlier). In no way do I consider myself a "child". Age is just a number. How insulting.

As to your situation. I think it is fine. As you said, you are not a teacher, you just work at the school. It is different. You also did not go to the school to finda girlfriend as you knew her long before your job at her school. Go for it! It really is not a big deal But i dont really know if i like the "keep it a secret idea" lol. It seems like it would cause problems in the future. It would seem as if you actually do have something to hide...even when you dont.

Last edited by iwantlove; 08-23-2008 at 12:20 PM.

 
Old 08-23-2008, 12:38 PM   #25
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Re: What's your opinion of certain age gaps in relationships?

Haha, yeah, that's what I thought at first.

But then I asked, what happens if everyone finds out? And she simply said, so what?

I think she really just wants to take some sort of a baby step here. She's told me time and time again, well before her and I even became interested in one another, that dating really scares her. She's afraid of getting attached and having to let go if things turn out badly. I have a strong feeling that that's why she wants to try something different this time.

There's also another curve ball here. For the time being, she works with her ex, whom she absolutely despises. She avoids any type of contact with him at all costs, and I think she would also like him not knowing anything about her as well. I think part of her is afraid that if he finds out she's dating someone else (even though he's already got another girlfriend) that he would start spreading rumors and **** would hit the fan.

So, I think it's really 3 situations that suggested the idea to her.

1 - Low profile at school/my job for both of our sake.
2 - Keeping the BS at her job with her ex at a minimal.
3 - Going forward with me, 1 small step at a time.

I mean, ladies, put yourself in her shoes. I'm not stacking this to her benefit here, just saying the way I see it. You have a crazy ex you work with, you go to school with a guy you're head over heels for who works there, and you're petrified of losing him + your friendship if you take the wrong step forward.

Is her logic flawed? Do you ladies see where she's coming from? Does it make sense to you? Can you understand her nack of "watching her ***" with this?

btw - It's also not like it'd be a complete secret. I'm just saying, we wouldn't advertise that we're dating. It's not like it'd be kept from our parents... both of our families love one another, so it's not a situation like that where she'd be sneaking out at night to see me.

Thoughts?

Last edited by lovinthev8; 08-23-2008 at 01:37 PM.

 
Old 08-23-2008, 04:22 PM   #26
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Re: What's your opinion of certain age gaps in relationships?

Simple, she should get a new job, so she doesn't work with her crazy ex anymore.

 
Old 08-23-2008, 07:01 PM   #27
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Re: What's your opinion of certain age gaps in relationships?

when i was 19 i dated a 26 year old. and even with this age difference i felt i was way more further evolved in life than he was. and he was seven years older! age really doesnt mean anything. honestly.

BUT what i would be thinking is take a look at your last four years. how much have you changed through college and those experiences? she is about to go through that... she could change drastically in four years. i know i was no way the same person when i was 18 as i am now at 23.

it would all depend if you want to be there for her through those years.

 
Old 08-23-2008, 11:57 PM   #28
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Re: What's your opinion of certain age gaps in relationships?

Mk, we talked more. Turns out she just doesn't want anything to change as far as the group of friends we hang out with. I'm sure all of you are saying, so what, why would it? But her brother and I have been friends for a long time, so that's kind of the curve ball to the situation.

And just to make things worse, tonight her brother asked her if we were dating. She said yes, he talked to me, I said yes, then he obviously got ****** off. This whole thing had unusually bad timing because he just got screwed over hardcore by a girl he was falling hard for. So right after that he finds out his sister and his best friend are dating. I can see why he's peeved, but at the same token I didn't plan for the odd timing to the situation.

It just upsets me cause I know she's upset over the situation, and tonight when I was done talking with her I told her everything will be cool and she simply said "I hope."

She's a fantastic girl. I don't want to lose this one simply over her feeling guilty about me and my buddy's friendship. He and I will be okay. He said himself it was just a shock and I need to adjust. I'm sure if things with this girl he was after ended up being great and he ended up dating her, that he wouldn't be NEARLY as shocked as he is now.

Oh well, what can I do? He and I got plans to chill next week, so we'll hang then. I just hope everything with her will be okay. It's just ironic to know that the one thing she wanted to avoid (something in our little click of friends changing for the worse) ended up happening pretty much immediately.

****. ****. ****. ****. I hope tomorrow everything will be cool.

 
Old 08-31-2008, 06:01 PM   #29
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Re: What's your opinion of certain age gaps in relationships?

All right, I figured I'd update everybody on a little something that's been happening.

Shortly after I posted my last message, we ended up having another talk. It seemed like kissing became the norm between us yet there wasn't much serious talk about a relationship. So, we ironed it out. We're dating now. She and I both agree it's in our best interest to not advertise it where we don't need to. She'll tell her close friends and whatnot, but she won't go out of her way to yell "Hey Sweetie!" if she sees me when I'm working at the school.

Things between us have been really good. We've spent a lot of time lately just watching rented movies and relaxing. Went to the park the other night, which was a pretty good time. Late night walks which results in laying on our backs watching the stars up at the baseball diamond by the nearby firehouse.

Things seem solid for how short of a time we've been dating. Her and I talked yesterday and it seriously feels like we've ben dating for at least a year. I guess that's what happens when you are really close to somebody and after a year's time you two finally date. I know her family, she knows my family, we share a lot of the same friends and we have a lot of common interest... so I guess that's what keeps this relationship from feeling like it's new and uncharted territory.

So anyway, about the age gap... the more time goes on, even though it's only been a couple days, the more I don't give a ****. For a short time (2 months) after I turn 23, she will remain 18, and even then I was just like, who cares? The bigger concern I was having was the fact we're in two different stages. She's a senior in high school with big hopes to go to a nearby college within an hour's drive (which, we have several really good colleges nearby, so it's a plus), while I am doing what I can to get a firm foundation at my job.

We both have solid goals, even if they are different due to our different interests. She wants to get into college to get into a career path. I want to further establish my newly-started career path in order to build on top of it. So, in essence, we're running in parallel due to the fact we both have long term and optimistic goals, but at the same token, her goals have a road block to conquer first - college.

I dated two girls in college, both ended disasterously. With each of them, I had a weird feeling about them going into college. I should have seen it coming, though, with their infatuation with alcohol (despite them being underage) and how they paraded themselves around and had to be the girl that all eyes were on.

Fortunately, this girl seems different. Even around me and her brother, she's hesitant to drink too much... swearing that she'll never drink to the point that she's sick (which, she's done in my presence, so I can tell when she's at her limit). So, I guess that's a good thing to know that she's mature enough to watch what she drinks and also, not really have an interest in it. I have a fridge in my room, always with a couple beers. I have a shelf of liquor. Yet, she's never once suggested a thing about having a drink, whereas other girls I've dated needed to suck down all of my ******* Jack Daniels. Grrrr.

But, like I said, I understand she's 18 and things may change, but there's a lot about this girl that suggests maybe there's a keeper here... such as her home-body attitude where she loves to be around her close friends at home, along with her lack of interest in parties and doing stupid stuff that most immature individuals in college may experience. Plus, all of that coupled with the fact that she was in a couple bad relationships suggests to me that maybe she's realizing what she wants since she experienced what she DIDN'T want already... and her interest is in me (obviously, since I'm posting this).

So, things are going good, but we'll have a couple minor bumps to iron out as all relationships seem to have to deal with at some point or another. But we're having fun, she seems to be very mature with decision making and decifering right from wrong, and has her goals in line which is something I like to see. There's nothing more attractive to me than a hard working girl with some decent goals in mind.

Any additional thoughts, suggestions, or comments I'd love to hear. Please chime in if anybody has anything to add!

 
Old 08-31-2008, 08:28 PM   #30
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Re: What's your opinion of certain age gaps in relationships?

I'm 10 years older than my husband.....wanna talk about age differences???

 
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