It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 08-17-2008, 12:45 PM   #1
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: tiffin ohio usa
Posts: 5
kngofswng HB User
I don't know what to do.

My wife of nine years walked out on me three days ago and took our five children. I knew she was leaving. she told me a month earler. Out of the blue she daid I don't love you and i don't want to be with you. I know I said things I shouldn't have said and wasn't there for her emotionaly.I'm 32 and she is 26. She haschanged so many things about herself, her hair style,new friends, she has lost weight, started smoking again. I'v caught her in so many lies. I just don't know this person. Mid life crises? What should I do. I love he and want her back. What should I do.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 08-17-2008, 12:57 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 4,081
Larrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB User
Re: I don't know what to do.

Well, more like a quarter life crisis if she's only 26 years old, that's way too young for a mid life crisis. BUT since you guys already have FIVE CHILDREN Since she married when she was 17, I'm guessing she started having children at a very, very young age as well, probably didn't go to or finish college? My guess is she's deeply missing all the stuff she felt she missed out on, just being young and free, dating around, clubbing, studying different subjects in school, getting to really know who she is. Understandable. She didn't handle it very well at all, but I suppose it's understandable. I mean, the human brain doesn't even finish developing till around 19, 20, so how in the world can ANY 17 year old make decisions about the rest of their life?

What can you do? That's a tough one. When someone tells you flat out that they don't love you anymore and don't want to be with you anymore, not a lot you CAN do except to contact a lawyer and make sure your legal rights are protected. I mean, you say you love her and want her back, but in the same breath you say you don't even know her anymore. How can you love someone you don't even know? You love the her that she used to be, or thought she was supposed to be, but she no longer wants to be that person. And you can't force her to going back to being the woman you used to know.

Get timelines established and make sure she doesn't take the kids for good and totally keep you from them while draining you of every dime for alimony and child support. Get your rights protected and do your best to be there for your kids as much as you possibly can. For your kids' sake, work really hard at not taking it personally, as impossible as that may sound right now, and don't let bitterness and anger settle in. Unless you were a totally insensitive or abusive brute, it doesn't really seem like this is as much about you as it is about her and her just not wanting the life she chose anymore. She was young and didn't really know what she was doing. It would have been nice if she hadn't brought you and five innocent little children into the mix, but again, she was just too young to be making such weighty decisions about the rest of her life. And who knows, if you give her the space she needs right now, she may find her way back to you one day. I wouldn't hold my breath for that to happen, but it's not out of the realm of possiblity. But for right now, it must be all about you and your kids. All you can do is let her know you are willing to work on whatever she feels the problems are. If she feels it is all past working on, you just have to let her go her own way, while making sure she doesn't tromp all over you legally in the process. Good luck to you.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 08-17-2008 at 01:05 PM.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 08-17-2008, 01:24 PM   #3
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: tiffin ohio usa
Posts: 5
kngofswng HB User
Re: I don't know what to do.

How can I just give up on someone I have loved for so lone. do I have any chance.

 
Old 08-17-2008, 01:36 PM   #4
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 4,081
Larrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB User
Re: I don't know what to do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kngofswng View Post
How can I just give up on someone I have loved for so lone. do I have any chance.
No, it certainly won't be easy at ALL. I can't crawl up inside her head, and that's the only way anyone would have any idea if there's still a chance for your marriage. Again, all you can do is talk to her. Let her know you want to respect her decision, but that you are willing to work on whatever she feels needs working on if she feels there's anything worth salvaging. If she still wants to leave, then it's not you giving up, it's her, and as sad and as unfortunate as that is, you can't control her free will. Whenever we choose to love someone, we take the risk that one day they will decide they don't love us back anymore. We really ca't do much about it except wrap our minds around it and get busy building a new future for ourselves. Hang tough.

 
Old 08-17-2008, 02:24 PM   #5
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
pendulum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Florianópolis, Brazil
Posts: 3,753
pendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB User
Re: I don't know what to do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kngofswng View Post
How can I just give up on someone I have loved for so lone. do I have any chance.
Where did she go? Did she give you her new address? How will she support (provide for) those 5 children alone, by herself? Does she have a job??? Will you be helping financially? It just doesn't make much sense to me what is going on here. If she had left and left the kids behind her, say, to go to meet a new lover or something like that, that would be more understandable. As it is, it really doesn't make sense, unless I have missed some detail. What have you done?

My friend, I agree with LLM's advice. It is painful, but you have to try to keep calm. Contact a lawyer and check to see what your rights are. She can't simply vanish into the thin air like that and take the kids with her.

As for another chance, only time will tell, but I don't think you should live the rest of your life entirely on ... hopes. And would you really want her back after all this drama? You may love her, but what about your self-esteem?

Do what needs to be done, and find relief for your pain in activities, work, new plans, friends, etc. Don't use alcohol or drugs, however. Try to keep your mind as clear as possible.

Last edited by pendulum; 08-17-2008 at 02:26 PM.

 
Old 08-17-2008, 02:24 PM   #6
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: US
Posts: 790
BeaTrade HB UserBeaTrade HB UserBeaTrade HB UserBeaTrade HB UserBeaTrade HB UserBeaTrade HB User
Re: I don't know what to do.

I'd say that if she's leaving because the two of you don't get along and you are a jerk or an alcoholic (etc) then she probably won't be back. But if she's leaving because she thinks the grass is greener then there's perhaps a chance of her coming back. I'd suggest a seperation before a divorce. Might give her a chance to realize the grass isn't always so green somewhere else.
__________________
My posts are just my opinion only and are not of a professional nature.

 
Old 08-17-2008, 02:47 PM   #7
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: tiffin ohio usa
Posts: 5
kngofswng HB User
Re: I don't know what to do.

She is staying at her moms until her house is ready. She has a good paying job and is going it alone with the kids. She is not cheating. I have looked into that. yes i have her new address. I was not abusive. i was insensitive and uncaring at times. She just started acting different when she found these new friends at work. listening to different music and just acting very distant all in the last two months. That's why i wonder if it's a crisis. I don't know wither to fight or give up.

 
Old 08-17-2008, 03:13 PM   #8
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
pendulum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Florianópolis, Brazil
Posts: 3,753
pendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB User
Re: I don't know what to do.

Fighting, unless it is for saving one's life, is never good.

You have to wait. Her leaving probably has just happened. Everything is recent, still too fresh.

When you don't know what to do, don't do anything. Take your time. Very soon you will probably know what to do. Or find that it is better to do nothing.

However, doing nothing doesn't mean stopping living your life.

 
Old 08-17-2008, 10:58 PM   #9
Facilitator
(female)
 
Seraph's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 4,889
Seraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB User
Re: I don't know what to do.

I am sorry that you are going through this. It has happened to my son too, although there was a reason there - he got a long-term illness. Suddenly she decided that she hadn't really loved him for years, etc etc. In your case, I feel that you are right - she IS a different person than the one you married, and the new her doesn't want you or the marriage any more. Hard and miserable though that is, you cannot make someone love you again. It is possible that one day down the track, you may get together again, but don't hold your breath. Somebody who is fed up enough to actually walk is usually pretty sure of how they feel. You talk about "new people " etc in her life; I would suggest that she is going down a different path than the one she was set on in her teens. You would think that loving somebody was all that was necessary, but growing together over your lives is just as important. Look after yourself, you will get through this. Sera

 
Old 08-18-2008, 10:12 AM   #10
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 127
ICFK1 HB User
Re: I don't know what to do.

Realize she knew she was leaving and preparing herself emotionaly, mentally, financially physically to leave - long before she said "I am ready to go".

So what her perception and perspective is - is going back further than you think.

You married an inexperienced child and she's been subjected to half of her'adult" years pregnant, and always a mother.

She's not prepared to be a spouse...she wasn't prepared for that when you married her.

 
Old 08-18-2008, 04:38 PM   #11
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: tiffin ohio usa
Posts: 5
kngofswng HB User
Re: I don't know what to do.

thank you for your kind words., it means allot.

 
Old 08-20-2008, 02:22 AM   #12
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: tiffin ohio usa
Posts: 5
kngofswng HB User
Re: I don't know what to do.

Well the truth is out. She told me she has been cheating with a co worker. At least i know.

 
Old 08-20-2008, 04:09 AM   #13
Facilitator
(female)
 
Seraph's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 4,889
Seraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB User
Re: I don't know what to do.

I am so sorry to hear that. The same thing happened to my son - 4 weeks after she made him leave the family home ("either you go, or I take the kids") supposedly to give her a break from coping with his illness, she was sleeping with another man. It was then that she informed him that they were actually separated. This was Xmas day. I can imagine what you are going through, and all I can say is that it WILL get better one day. Keep in touch with and related to your kids, that will be very important to you and them in the time to come. Hang in there, Sera

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
I don't wanna be married eh! chevyman Relationship Health 77 06-22-2009 11:18 AM
I don't know what to do JB68711 Depression 15 09-04-2006 05:58 PM
Don't Know What to Do, Please Help if you Can JB68711 Depression 4 06-24-2006 03:41 AM
If I don't know how I feel, who does?? HELP! speedy415 Relationship Health 9 10-06-2004 09:10 PM
I don't know what to do anymore. dulcibella000 Eating Disorder Recovery 3 05-21-2004 06:19 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:38 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.com™
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.com™ All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!