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Old 08-18-2008, 05:20 AM   #1
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Arrow ADVICE PLEASE: "What Would Make Him Say That To Me?"....

Hi:

BRIEF SUMMARY:

I am someone who got involved with a man who had a partner, but didn't know about it for the first few months. When I did get the truth out of him, he told me that their relationship was over, he was leaving, and that I was his choice. By then, I had feelings for him and decided to give him the benefit of the doubt; that he could possibly be telling me the truth. We both work in the same building, not in the same office.

Here is how he came into my life:

Back in September/06, this man who works in the same building as I do, approached me with a note wanting to get to know me. Apparently, he had been eyeing me for some time and was very attracted to me...he said from the first time he saw me. I responded by saying that I was seeing someone, but said that we could be friends. He said, "Lucky Guy, and that he doesn't give up easily." For a while after that we would run into each other and chat....he was still very interested in me. In November/06, he wrote me a letter and it was on my desk when I got to work. He told me how happy he was to see me and that I was the most GEORGEOUS PERSON, and that he hasn't felt so strongly towards someone in many years, and that he thinks of me often; and is happy seeing me if only by chance. He would always say, "Hello Beautiful, and Hello There."

Well, I have to say, he warmed my heart and I started to see him for lunch at the Food Court, and we would talk alot by phone. Nothing much materialized with that guy that I was seeing....we were more like friends.

About a year later, he chose to stay with his partner (Common-law wife....these marriages are legal in Canada after living with someone for 6 months to a year) for financial reasons (He is the one with the money, who didn't want to lose half of everything if he left). I know it is lame, but he worried about that alot.

I live in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada, and they have been together at least 7 or 8 years. He bought a new house a little over a year ago, which is in HIS NAME only. He told me that he DID seek legal advice, BUT there was no way around giving her half of everything that he had.

This man is 57 years old and has no kids, and told me that he wanted to be able to enjoy his retirement. Having to give up half of everything to her, was too high of a price to pay. I guess his property and investments mean so much to him, that he doesn't intend to give them up or take a partial loss for any woman.

He told me that he still loves me, and that he always will.

I am doing really well as far as that guy is concerned. There isn't alot of contact now. But I wanted to get your opinion on something.

As usual I am playing it cool around him, making it seem as though I am not paying too much attention to him.

Even when I walk by, knowing that he is there, and act as if I don't see him; I can see him watching me out of the corner of my eye.

I am not bothered that he isn't a part of my life anymore.

He still stares at me as though he is STILL VERY INTERESTED. When we do get a chance to talk, our conversations are only for a few minutes.

When we spoke on last Friday, he asked me if I still had a "boyfriend". I said, "Yes". He responded by saying, "THAT'S TERRIBLE." What do you think he meant by that? Do you think that on some level that he is jealous thinking of me with another guy, and he is just waiting to hear me say that "we" broke up, so that I might be willing to spend time with him again, even if it is on the side? No way will that ever happen again !!!

He also asked me if I was still living with my mother, and I said, "Yes". It is like it bothers him on some level to think of me possibly living with a guy.

What do you think all of this is about?

But I have to tell you that even if we only speak for a couple of minutes once a month, he manages to bring up my lovelife. He seems so curious about it.

Don't get me wrong, I am NOT hung up on him. I just wanted to get a few good honest opinions/interpretations.

I mean he chose to stay where he was and protect his investments, and his property; which is solely owned by him. Nothing is in her name, except for the phone.

I guess I feel that he shouldn't care about what I do now, and who I am
involved with.

I look forward to hearing from you soon with your interpretation of what he might have meant, and why he responded that way to me still having a "boyfriend".


Thanks,

Kellyann

Last edited by SHELLY2011; 08-21-2008 at 01:32 PM.

 
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Old 08-18-2008, 05:26 AM   #2
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Re: ADVICE PLEASE: "What Would Make Him Say That To Me?"....

Honestly, I think he's a jerk who wanted to have his cake and eat it too. That is why he made that comment. I think he was hoping you would pine away for him and want to keep the "relationship" you had going. Good for you for knowing you deserved better.

And yes, his excuse was lame. But I hope you realize the "it's over" or "I'm leaving her" excuse is one of the oldest in the book along with staying for "financial reasons" or "the kids". He most likely never had any intention of leaving and really thought he could have you both.

If I were you I wouldn't even bother talking to him. What's the point? You don't need his sarcastic remarks about your life. The next time he asks you what you are doing you should ask him if he is still cheating on his common law wife. Maybe that will shut him up and make him leave you alone.

 
Old 08-18-2008, 05:39 AM   #3
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Re: ADVICE PLEASE: "What Would Make Him Say That To Me?"....

Wow, if you live with someone for as little as six months in Canada, they are automatically considered your common-law wife/husband and are then entitled to half of your stuff? And you can't do anything about it? I never knew that. Holy cow, that is scary.

Of course he is still interested in you, still finds you attractive and alluring, and probably views you in some way as "his." But it really isn't any great honor, since he is a liar and cheater.

Honestly, you ARE still hung up on him - but there is nothing wrong with that, you were involved with the guy and got attached. But he lied to you and let you get to close to him, hiding the fact that he had a girlfriend (or common-law wife). What you should be is LIVID at him and not worrying about whether he is still interested in you.
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Old 08-18-2008, 05:46 AM   #4
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Re: ADVICE PLEASE: "What Would Make Him Say That To Me?"....

English is not my first language, and I don't know what the tone of his voice was like when he said it, but basically to me it sounds as if he were saying: "That is bad news."

Honestly, why do you want to know? Are you sure you are not hung up on him? There is some smoke here, you know.

My opinion is that this case is hopeless. He has betrayed you and nevertheless is still interfering in your life. He is too daring. Don't give him any power over you. Move on. You deserve someone better.

 
Old 08-18-2008, 06:13 AM   #5
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Re: ADVICE PLEASE: "What Would Make Him Say That To Me?"....

Quote:
Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
My opinion is that this case is hopeless. He has betrayed you and nevertheless is still interfering in your life. He is too daring. Don't give him any power over you. Move on. You deserve someone better.
I think that was very well-said and I agree completely.

My first boyfriend (back in the 20th-century) broke up with me after having been unfaithful on more than one occasion. As soon as I picked up the pieces and started dating, he came around begging me not to see anyone else. The weird thing was, he didn't want me. He just didn't want anyone else to have me. (It took a good 6-months of him "stalking" and following me on dates before he finally realized that I had really moved on).

This guy wants you to be stuck on him, it makes him feel worthwhile. Just like he liked having two women in his life. I'm not saying he is evil, but whether it was conscious or unconscious, he has some issues and you are better off without him and his insecurity.

 
Old 08-18-2008, 06:19 AM   #6
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Re: ADVICE PLEASE: "What Would Make Him Say That To Me?"....

He is mistaken about your law..it is a little more complicated than that. Yes you are still hung up on him...who knows what he is thinking but he took you for a ride and he'd do it again or is probably doing it with others at the same time as he was with you. Move on...his eyes are on anyone that will sleep with him....and pretty much that is what he is thinkin...just sort of shallow thoughts.

 
Old 08-18-2008, 06:34 AM   #7
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Re: ADVICE PLEASE: "What Would Make Him Say That To Me?"....

What you're not getting is that he got with as sex on the side and attention thru the backdoor.

And that is what he'd like with you again - no strings, no obligation attention and sex.

You were up for it at one time, when he told you "I'm leaving my partner eventually" - and he figures you might be up for some of that same dynamic again - if you're sexually desperate and attention starved.

 
Old 08-18-2008, 06:43 AM   #8
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Re: ADVICE PLEASE: "What Would Make Him Say That To Me?"....

Just my two cents - what would make him say that? Well, I think, who cares???

You're wasting far too much time and energy concerning yourself with something that is no longer your business. If you do have a boyfriend, your focus, time and attention and mental energy should be on him, not on some weak, lame cheating loser liar who used you, and probably would again if you gave him half a chance. It's time to stop pretending like you have forgotten him, and actually do it.

 
Old 08-18-2008, 11:07 PM   #9
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Re: ADVICE PLEASE: "What Would Make Him Say That To Me?"....

I agree he wanted to eat his cake and have it too! He sounds like an ***. First of all, he lied to you from the very beginning about already being married...this should have told you right from the start that he was not a very truthful person. Also, if he was wiling to cheat on his wife then what makes you any different? Once he gets bored of you he will just move on to someone else...and forget to tell that new person about you! This guy is trouble! Be thankful that he did not leave his common law partner! Do not worry about what he said to you! He is just an unahppy person in his marriage that wants to spread his unhappieness to you! You should kick him in the shins (just kidding)

Alright, well I am a law student in Canada and No, that is not how it works. First of all, if they were considered common law the "common law" partner would only acquire half of the wealth acquired DURING the common law marriage. For example, if the male partner bought 2 houses before being considered to be in a common law marriage then the female partner would NOT recieve any of the real estate. It also depends what province you live in. In addition, I do not believe that you are considered common law in any province for living with someone as little as 6 months. If I remember correctly 2 years is the minimum amount of time living together in order to be considered common law in any province (however, do not quote me on this!). I assume the man you were involved with told you this crap (What a bullcrapper!) Also, common law marriages differ from Province to province.

Last edited by iwantlove; 08-18-2008 at 11:09 PM.

 
Old 08-19-2008, 01:30 AM   #10
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Re: ADVICE PLEASE: "What Would Make Him Say That To Me?"....

next time he asks you if you have a boyfriend, whether you live at home or in fact any question regarding your personal life, just say, "i'd appreciate it if you mind your own business, now i dont know about you but i have work to do."

 
Old 08-19-2008, 04:59 AM   #11
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Arrow Re: ADVICE PLEASE: "What Would Make Him Say That To Me?"....

Quote:
Originally Posted by iwantlove View Post
I agree he wanted to eat his cake and have it too! He sounds like an ***. First of all, he lied to you from the very beginning about already being married...this should have told you right from the start that he was not a very truthful person. Also, if he was wiling to cheat on his wife then what makes you any different? Once he gets bored of you he will just move on to someone else...and forget to tell that new person about you! This guy is trouble! Be thankful that he did not leave his common law partner! Do not worry about what he said to you! He is just an unahppy person in his marriage that wants to spread his unhappieness to you! You should kick him in the shins (just kidding)

Alright, well I am a law student in Canada and No, that is not how it works. First of all, if they were considered common law the "common law" partner would only acquire half of the wealth acquired DURING the common law marriage. For example, if the male partner bought 2 houses before being considered to be in a common law marriage then the female partner would NOT recieve any of the real estate. It also depends what province you live in. In addition, I do not believe that you are considered common law in any province for living with someone as little as 6 months. If I remember correctly 2 years is the minimum amount of time living together in order to be considered common law in any province (however, do not quote me on this!). I assume the man you were involved with told you this crap (What a bullcrapper!) Also, common law marriages differ from Province to province.
iwantlove:

I live in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada, and they were together longer than two years. It could be 7 or 8 years by now. He bought a new house a little over a year ago, which is in HIS NAME only. He told me that he sought legal advice, BUT there was no way around giving her half of everything that he had.

But you are right, though, in your assessment of him. You have described him very well.

Thanks,

Kellyann

Last edited by SHELLY2011; 08-19-2008 at 05:23 AM.

 
Old 08-19-2008, 10:18 AM   #12
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Re: ADVICE PLEASE: "What Would Make Him Say That To Me?"....

I love watching karma....and ifyou'd look carefully and objectively that is whatyou're seeing, if your facts are accurate, and in that you only know his side - you're not sure about that.

But basically...he's been with someone in a common law marriage -which apparently is an honored status quo where you live, which means it's just as legal and valid as a marriage that is a result of a wedding ceremony. Common law just bypasses the fluff and expense of a wedding - and let's you get right down to the purpose of that event - marriage.

So he's claiming he doesn't love her, had an affair with you, has probably had other affairs besides - but he can't leave her becuase he's not intelligent enough to get legal consultation and use alternative options to purchase items he wants (such as a house) that aren't in his name, or her name - so they're solely his property if he leaves.

In short, he was so sure he was a great con artist - that he failed to check the laws and facts and details....and now he's been "conned"....he's in a legal marriage that will do precisely what divorce is designed to do - loss in split. So he doesn't want to lose his assets and investment, he doesn't like his life, he continues to have affairs, while he sits there using the reason he can't leave - as the fact he'd be broke if he did.

The women that can't see the irony in what he's proposing are being totally delusional. He's simply saying he's a man not smart enough to do business within the confines of the parameters of the law and society as those things are clearly outlined. HE doesn't know whath e wants beyond "right now" - which is why he's not a successnad seeking instant gratification in the arms of someone beyond his wife.

 
Old 08-19-2008, 10:49 AM   #13
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Arrow Re: ADVICE PLEASE: "What Would Make Him Say That To Me?"....

Quote:
Originally Posted by ICFK1 View Post
I love watching karma....and ifyou'd look carefully and objectively that is whatyou're seeing, if your facts are accurate, and in that you only know his side - you're not sure about that.

But basically...he's been with someone in a common law marriage -which apparently is an honored status quo where you live, which means it's just as legal and valid as a marriage that is a result of a wedding ceremony. Common law just bypasses the fluff and expense of a wedding - and let's you get right down to the purpose of that event - marriage.

So he's claiming he doesn't love her, had an affair with you, has probably had other affairs besides - but he can't leave her becuase he's not intelligent enough to get legal consultation and use alternative options to purchase items he wants (such as a house) that aren't in his name, or her name - so they're solely his property if he leaves.

In short, he was so sure he was a great con artist - that he failed to check the laws and facts and details....and now he's been "conned"....he's in a legal marriage that will do precisely what divorce is designed to do - loss in split. So he doesn't want to lose his assets and investment, he doesn't like his life, he continues to have affairs, while he sits there using the reason he can't leave - as the fact he'd be broke if he did.

The women that can't see the irony in what he's proposing are being totally delusional. He's simply saying he's a man not smart enough to do business within the confines of the parameters of the law and society as those things are clearly outlined. HE doesn't know whath e wants beyond "right now" - which is why he's not a successnad seeking instant gratification in the arms of someone beyond his wife.

As I stated in my original post:

He chose to stay where he was and protect his investments, and his property; which is solely owned by him. Nothing is in HER name, except for the phone.

Also, he told me that he DID seek legal advice, BUT there was no way around giving her half of everything that he had. This man is 57 years old and has no kids, and told me that he wanted to be able to enjoy his retirement. Having to give up half of everything to her, was too high of a price to pay. I guess his property and investments mean so much to him, that he doesn't intend to give them up or take a partial loss for any woman.

Kellyann

Last edited by SHELLY2011; 08-19-2008 at 10:57 AM.

 
Old 08-19-2008, 10:56 AM   #14
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Re: ADVICE PLEASE: "What Would Make Him Say That To Me?"....

What you're not getting is this. Common law is "marriage". Marriage is a legal financial option/obligation contract. It has nothing to doo with "love" in the eyes of the law.

So when he became "married" to her - by automatic default everything that is his is "half hers" and vice versa.

So whatever established their common law marriage - the legal contracts of marriage begin at that point.

The legality of marriage is that what is bought while in a state of legal marriage - is now joint property, it matters not who's name is on the deed or title. There is a contract established that has each "responsible" for the other, "obligated" to the other" and legally "liable" for the other's debts, incumbrances, and ownership/possession.

So when he bought the house while in a state of legal matrimony and put it in his name......it was automaticaly going to become 'half hers". He could have easily consulted an attorney prior to purchase, found that out - purchased the house while putting it in a trusted relatives name - that has no legal contract of marriage with this woman.

That would mean they were living in a "rented" unit - owned by his relative. IF at some point he opted to divorce her, the house would not be part of the settlement, he could have then taken ownership once they were legally divorced.

While he's consulted attorneys AFTER his actions, it's consultation before them that is legally prudent and financially responsible to determine his actions.

and you're saying he's 57......well, he hasn't got the time left to re-earn what he'd lose in the event of this divorce. So he's absolutely being responsible in stating that no woman is worth leaving his retirement and security for........that's his point.

Sex iss sex, fun is fun...but he hasn't got the time or options to re-earn his security which is invested in this union because of his actions - period the end.

Last edited by ICFK1; 08-19-2008 at 10:58 AM.

 
Old 08-19-2008, 11:40 AM   #15
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Arrow Re: ADVICE PLEASE: "What Would Make Him Say That To Me?"....

Quote:
Originally Posted by ICFK1 View Post
What you're not getting is this. Common law is "marriage". Marriage is a legal financial option/obligation contract. It has nothing to doo with "love" in the eyes of the law.

So when he became "married" to her - by automatic default everything that is his is "half hers" and vice versa.

So whatever established their common law marriage - the legal contracts of marriage begin at that point.

The legality of marriage is that what is bought while in a state of legal marriage - is now joint property, it matters not who's name is on the deed or title. There is a contract established that has each "responsible" for the other, "obligated" to the other" and legally "liable" for the other's debts, incumbrances, and ownership/possession.

So when he bought the house while in a state of legal matrimony and put it in his name......it was automaticaly going to become 'half hers". He could have easily consulted an attorney prior to purchase, found that out - purchased the house while putting it in a trusted relatives name - that has no legal contract of marriage with this woman.

That would mean they were living in a "rented" unit - owned by his relative. IF at some point he opted to divorce her, the house would not be part of the settlement, he could have then taken ownership once they were legally divorced.

While he's consulted attorneys AFTER his actions, it's consultation before them that is legally prudent and financially responsible to determine his actions.

and you're saying he's 57......well, he hasn't got the time left to re-earn what he'd lose in the event of this divorce. So he's absolutely being responsible in stating that no woman is worth leaving his retirement and security for........that's his point.

Sex iss sex, fun is fun...but he hasn't got the time or options to re-earn his security which is invested in this union because of his actions - period the end.

Your Quote:

"So he's absolutely being responsible in stating that no woman is worth leaving his retirement and security for........that's his point."

I know you probably meant what I am probably saying now, but those words were mine, NOT his. But no doubt he DOES feel that way, as he told me that he is NOT the NEEDY type, he DOES NOT have to have a woman in his life. If a woman didn't want to be with him in a relationship, that would be just fine. That he did say.

Kellyann

 
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