He is saying he can't handle a relationship.I listened to him last night but just sat there and didn't respond.
I have been responding today. Normally when I talk, he calms down and listens and things are ok. But it looks like he is certain.
I've asked him for one last chance, said we could go away for his birthday etc etc.
I don't know if I have the energy to see him again tonight. But I need my "closure." I need to try one last time.
After how hard I've tried, it has come to this again.
I'm not doing a good job of accepting it and I am not coping well.
It use to be ok in the past because I use to think, I'll let him go, and he will come back. And he always did.
But this time is different. Its happened so many times and this time round has been more exhausting. I can't keep doing this.
All my friends have boyfriends and are either moving in together or getting engaged. And look at me. Trying to hang onto someone who wants to be away from me.
I'm so sad and it hurts so much. I thought I'd be use to this and deal better with it but past experiences don't help.
Last edited by bluesky123; 08-19-2008 at 11:18 AM.
i can SO RELATE to this.
sometimes when a relationshp is tense, it puts a lot of stress on the relationship. theres always "what if i disappoint her/him, what if this is wrong etc etc" and there is so much thinking involved, when you just want to do what you want to do, even if personally you know its not wrong- some people over think it and thats crazy... crazy stress!
what i can suggest, are 2 things.
(1) let him go. maybe he will come around again... and if/when he does maybe you will want it, maybe you wont. if you choose to let him go, go out and do what makes you happy. see your friends, and KNOW that its good to be independent. you can make your own choices, and its a load of bricks taken off your back. all the stress you have been dealing with.
OR (2) you can ask him to try it out one more time, but this time, give him his space. not being "together" can take off a lot of stress. i mean it, it really does.... just ease up a little. really, take off the strings and let him do what he wants to do, and you do the same. i guess you can call this a break. this is what saved my relationship. we did our own thing, and nobody asked any questions.
the only thing that mattered to me when we would hang out but "werent together" was how we interacted with eachother. i swear we laughed more, and we really enjoyed eachothers company.
a lot of the times, people change through out a relationship, most of the time its women. we forget what we are like when we first got with this person and this "other person" comes into play. i know that i am an out going, relaxed, open minded, non-jealous, goofy girl... but after a while that vanished... but the break that i had with my boyfriend (we are now going strong) brought all my characteristics back out that i had left somewhere. i dont know why this happens, really.
sometimes they (or ourselves) just need space & everything ends up being okay.
im sorry if i have rambled. just trying to explaining it clearly. hope i helped
Let me tell you a little more about my situation.
We haven't actually been in a relationship. We were together for two and a half years. A year ago, we broke up. For six months, we kept talking etc but things never really improved and he left to go travelling for a couple of months. He got back in Jan this year. I told him in May that I wanted to give things another go. He said he couldn't talk about it then because of finals etc. So since May we have been on hold, talking etc. Until last week, he seemed fairly positive and I was sure we were going to give things another go.
I felt the break had done us good. I really really felt like this was going to be a fresh new start. We both have new jobs, in new places etc. I didn't have issues that had plagued our relationship before. But since Friday, he is telling me he can't. He was positive and interested before but not now. He says it is a combination of not being the right timing, and that he knows what we are like and that it wouldn't work. He told me he wished things were different.
I don't blame him - we have argued a bit over the last couple weeks.
I just wish he gave us that chance. What you described, SillyGoose, taking it easy, enjoying eachother, no stress et - that's what I have been saying to him we should do. He wanted it but now he doesn't.
We might meet tomorrow night.
Either way, this must end because it has been months and indeed over a year now.
He says he is pretty sure and that there isn't much to change his mind - but we have both been here before. Even I have said things like this to him in the past. Deep down, I think he would regret this...like he always does. But I can't do this again. I want him to really understand that.
I'm exhausted, I just hope this isn't it. I haven't come this far to not even try what I suggested.
Last edited by bluesky123; 08-19-2008 at 11:13 AM.
ahh i see. k. well thats terrible that you have been pretty much waiting around for him.. but i can also relate. its heart breaking! i have felt that pain. you know, i think a lot of the reasons couples fight, when they dont want to is because each partner is stressed out & frustrated.
what i would suggest now, is to let him go. date others. or dont date, just go out. maybe right now, the timing is bad and nothing works if its being forced. so maybe, in the future, when the timing is right things WILL in fact work out for yall, or maybe you will find someone that you wouldnt have found, if you tried to force this relationship.
a year is a long time to be on hold... if you can think positive then you can definately make it through this. everything happens for a reason, and you have done everything that you can do, right? you can put the future for this relationship in fates hands, and fate will work its magic. maybe this relationship was something you were intended to learn from, and not meant for the rest of your life. which is okay too! you can be happy to have been blessed with this person in your life.
you never know, anything is possible. in 5 years, the timing may be right for yall, or like i have mentioned already, you may have found the love of your life elsewhere.
I'm scared this is it, the end. I am also scared of talking him tomorrow night - if he agrees to give it another shot, then how good would the relationship be knowing I had to convince him?
I really, really love this man. He has been my all for the last three years.
I want to marry him one day. It isn't easy me falling in love.
Last night when we were out for dinner, I looked at him and it hit me so hard how much I love him. I haven't told him I love him, but he knows.
Do I meet him tomorrow evening? Do I try to hold him? Tell him everything I have told him already? That it'd be fun, easy and relaxed and that I just want to enjoy my time with him and that it wouldn't be bad like it use to be?
Or do I leave it? And remain open if he comes back? It would lessen the pain but how many times can this happen?
I tried to move on without him but coudln't. But if this is it, I'll have to. It will be a long and horrible journey and I am dreading it.
I would want to remain friends with him, but that wouldn't work, would it?
meet him tomorrow, and tell him what you have told me. dont try to convince him, but tell him what you have told me & what your intentions for the relationship will be if he chooses to try one more time. i know that naturally because you love him, you may come off to him as almost begging, but dont allow it. when you talk to him, sit up, and keep a strong face. dont let him think that your weak, because then he may think that you are desperate for him- which is never attracting. tell him you love him. i would definately do that. if things are the end, at least he will know. when you meet up with him, dont act as if its the end, but dont act like its a new beginning either.. just kinda keep it causal... but in your heart try to accept that it might be over. its never easy falling in love & then trying to control your feelings because you have to.
i know that for the most part, guys dont do something unless they want to. so i think that he honestly wouldnt give yall another shot, if he didnt want to. i tell you to not come off as "beggy" because if he really doesnt want to then the last thing he may remember, is you trying to convince him to stay. you dont want that to be what he thinks about when he thinks of you.
would yall be able to be friends? probably not for a while. eventually yes, if you wanted it... when its not so painful but before yall could be friends, the pain from both sides would have to be healed for there to be a real friendship.
so meet with him! be strong. express how you feel, but control it also. tell him you love him, if you feel comfortable doing so. a feeling like that always feels better coming out, than just bottled up inside. think positive. one thing i have noticed, is guys dont believe words, they believe actions. so remember when you meet with him, just relax. dont stress yourself out about it (easier said than done, i know)
dont ever tell yourself you cant go on without him... if you tell yourself that then you will believe it. you dont need him, you want him- know the difference. i promise you, he wont be the last guy you care about!
Last edited by deskette; 08-19-2008 at 11:52 AM.
We met last night and talked. We have been messaging each other all day today. I've told him a million times what I will say tomorrow. Its just so exhausting. I don't think I can bring myself to tell him I love him.
I probably came across like I was begging today. Things are easier done thro messagees. Yetserday, in person, I was very strong, as you described.
I will most likely meet him tomorrow, one last try. I will try to hold his hand and have one final heart to heart but its gotten so difficult and painful now. When he says he cnan't do it, it is like a knife going through my heart.
I know I'll be ok...just about. I may go to the doctors and ask for anti-depressants to help me out because I do get quite bad after this thing happens with us. This has affected my life enough. Even if this is it, I will still want him, I will still hope for the future and that disgusts me. Every time this has happened in the past, I kept away from other men and relationships. May be this time I should really start dating. It may help.
Last edited by bluesky123; 08-19-2008 at 11:58 AM.
communication in messages is always easier.. you can explain things better in words, that you can look at VS words that come out of your mouth, and you never really know if things come out the right way vocally. i can imagine how exhausting it is!! things will affect your life, and either it can leave a positive print, or a negative print- thats for you to decide. at least if things are over, they didnt end with him cheating, or visa versa. it could be worse you know
i believe that you probably should go on dates with other men, before you decide this is the one man for you. you will be surprised. when yall were broken up, you didnt date any other men? not even a lunch date?
how old are you anyways? im curious because you mentioned this was the first time you have ever fallen in love.
you should go out. if a guy asks, just go and have fun. if you dont want him to think its personaly, then pay for your own mean & just enjoy the night out. i think anyways. i am on the boards a lot actually.
im glad i can help!
i think you should definately be friends, but try not to make it harder on yourself. like if it comes to that being the only option, when yall do talk & hang out as friends- make sure that you are ready for just that. you dont have to worry about that right now though! just accept the possibility and then after yall talk tomorrow, thats when you can actually figure it all out. with situations like this i usually prepare myself for the worst, so when it comes- i was already expecting it, and when its not the worst, it ends up being better than i expected.
i will be around if you need more support! im not usually on at night, but during the day i am on.
I'm not expecting much to be honest. He seems pretty sure. But its a sudden change of heart and we have been here before. So we will have to see the outcome tomorrow. I am expecting the worst.
I think I'd only want to be friends in the hope one day he would realise his mistake and not put me through this anymore. But that wouldn't be good for me or him. But who knows what will happen. If the worst happens, I'll say to him, after a few weeks, we can be friends and see where it leads...who knows I may meet someone in a few months or whatever.
see your doing better already! girl you will meet someone else. im younger than you, but i have been in 3 serious relationships, yet 1 doesnt really count i guess... but each time you get out of one the next one is always better! so just keep positive. if this guy is not the one for you, the next one may be... but always remember you dont need anyone other than yourself to be happy (not that you are co-dependent, just positive thought). the special guy will come along when you least expect it. if i didnt have a boyfriend i would be out clubbin all the time... but im happy with where i am, and if for some reason him & i were to break up i would just go wild & enjoy being single. haha.
Lol only because I cried my eyes out for hours this afternoon and because I know we have one more chance to sort this out. Tomorrow this time, if the worst happens, things won't be as good as this lol.
But hey, I'll have you for support You cheer me up. You make me laugh.
i have been with the same guy for 9 months, which isnt that long, but a long time for me. for the short period of time we have actually gone through a lot of BS... (for example) he worked in alaska for a while so long distanced sucked. we are both pretty serious about lying, and i lied about everything one night (alcohol is not a friend!), which turned the relationship upside down. thats when we broke up and things were rough and we werent together... but now we have a pretty good relationship. we dont ring eachothers necks.. and we live together, have for 6 months now. i thought i was going to die when he didnt want to be with me after i confessed to lying. i knew he wanted things to work because he wanted me to fix things, but i didnt know how... somehow my personality won him back over.. he had actually went out with a few girls during the period we werent together, that may have also influenced him to get back with me. maybe they just didnt do it for him. when we werent together, we still lived together, weird i know... but i prefered that because then i knew he was coming home to me every night (which he did). i think thats what kept me sane. gradually as he came around to forgive me, things kept improving. i always reminded him why he fell in love with me.. i made it to where it was never akward & i was just my bubbly self! i never questioned what he did, which made him feel like he had his space. and it worked! we are going strong & happy.. sometimes we each get in our own dry spells, but after a few days we are back to normal. he makes me happy, and we are full of laughter. sometimes i wish i could experience the life of being single again, because im only 21... but i LOVE love LOVE being in a relationship with him. i would not choose the single life over my relationship- but if it came down to us not working out, i would accept it (if i knew it was really really over) and justify it to go out and be wild. hahaha. i actually "jumped" into this relationship on accident. i was dating anther guy for like 1 year 1/2 and then i broke up with him (tired of his bs) and 2 months later this one comes around... and things moved pretty fast. but like i said, i am happy with my relationship and i wouldnt trade it for anything. i am a very lucky girl!