It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 08-19-2008, 07:51 AM   #1
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: nevermind
Posts: 539
emma j HB User
to tell or not to tell

Hey all,
ok, I need some advice. I have a feeling this might come across as me just wanting revenge and ya know what maybe it is but I still want some advice.
Ok so 4 months ago I split up with my on/off again bf ( some of you may remember) during our relationship he was controlling, possessive, jealous, insecure. Wouldn’t let me hang out with any of my male friends, always thought I was cheating on him, we argued constantly because of his insecurities and because he just had no simple logic, he never knew what he wanted. The list goes on, just check out my threads. We broke up many times, However throughout our relationship he always told me how much he loved me, wanted to marry me, have his children. Blah blah blah. We broke up many times, him one week wanting me, I was the one. The next he wasn’t sure if I was what he wanted. He threatened me twice. Second last time we broke up he was txting a work mate 24/7 said it was only as a friend, that he was talking about me only. However she had asked him out. He said no that he loved me. We got back together and the txting continued until I said something and he said he’d stop, that there was nothing in it. 2 weeks later we finished and a week later he was with her. Throughout the last 4 months. He’s loved me then hasn’t loved me wanted to sleep with me then didn’t. We haven’t spoken to see each other now in 6 weeks but I’ve lost all respect in him and he disgusts me. When he found out that I may have been seeing someone he said “ oh well I’ll have to sleep with her now so I can mess with her head”.
Ok so. This could get complicated. We both have mutual friends( I introduced him to them) and they continued to be friends after we split. This is how I know the things he has been saying aout me. So turned out he has already cheated on his now gf and last night I found out he is cheating on her left right and center. She is gone away for 6 weeks and he plans on breaking up with her when she gets back as he is having much more fun without a gf.
So, I don’t like his new gf as she pursued him while he was with me however I do feel sorry for her, that she genuinely does like him and has no clue what a disgusting human being he is being behind her back. He is a player, a sleeze and is only out for himself. So I have a chance to get my own back on him basically destroying me( 4 months on and I’m still very down about it).
Turns out that my best friend is friends his gf’s best friend. When we realised this my best friend said oh I know her, I was away with her, she’s so quite and shy she’s never chase after another guys bf( its always the quite ones you gotta watch) she said that she hope my ex doesn’t break her heart like he broke mine.
So I wanted to tell my friend that my ex is now cheating left right and center on this girl, who she knows through another friend. I know that it will get back to her and as much as I don’t like the gf I would love for her to get there before my ex does and end it so he gets what he deserves. But then this means possibly landing our mutual friends in it.
So what do you all think. Some of you may be thinking, why should I care. About him or her. But I do. She pursued my ex while we where together and him he threaten me, emotionally black mailed me ah the list goes on but this guy has left me destroyed. believed this guy was the one and i stupidly still see myself spending my life with him, but i know this wll pass. I used to be such a bubbly person and such a romantic relationship kinda girl believed in the one, a soulmate and true love. Now I’m terrified to even look at a guy. Don’t believe in love, the one or anything like that anymore. The thoughts of being in a relationship scares me to death.
All replies would be appreciated and anyone who thinks I’ve doing this for all the wrong reasons be easy in your comments I’m fragile enough..
Emma.
__________________
If my life was written down in a book, you wouldn't get a single chapter, you would get the whole book.

Last edited by emma j; 08-19-2008 at 07:56 AM.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 08-19-2008, 08:09 AM   #2
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 12
littlek05 HB User
Re: to tell or not to tell

It doesn't seem like he's even worth worrying about. Move on (as hard as that seems), live for yourself for a while and find who you are again. Figure out what you want, and when you'll find it you'll know. You'll be relieved when you don't have to worry about all of the things he does. I went through something sort of similar so I know how much it hurts. Once I let go I felt so much better - and found a new someone who makes me feel wonderful! I hope in some way this helps.

Last edited by littlek05; 08-19-2008 at 08:10 AM.

 
Old 08-19-2008, 08:12 AM   #3
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 4,081
Larrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB User
Re: to tell or not to tell

Well, simply speaking as someone who was also destroyed by a guy, though as far as I know there was no other woman, but I've been told I'm pretty foolish to believe that, so it's possible he was seeing his now wife before he officially finished with me, I just don't know. BUT...I really don't think you will be able to work out all the things you need to get through by seeking revenge and wreaking havoc on his life and this girl's. Even if she did try to move in on him while he was with you, you really have no idea what he told her, or how much she knew about your relationship, and how much encouragement she got from him. To tell you the truth, I kind of feel sorry for her. She will either discover on her own that she is being cheated on all over the place, or if she doesn't, the poor girl is with someone who is cheating on her and doesn't even know it. Plus, if you tell this friend of her friend, if I've got that part right, you run the risk of your friend thinking you're trying to pull an underhanded trick and will turn on your, or your ex's girl will turn on her friend and not believe her and think she's just trying to cause trouble. You could stir up a hornet's nest that could affect not just your ex's life and this girl's life, but their friends' lives and all kinds of things, with no guarantee you'll get the result you want.

I can understand the desire to lash out, to make them hurt as much as you're hurting. But it's an easy quick fix that won't last, and won't really mend anything going on with you. This isn't about them, it's about you. You need to get to work at repairing the damage done, learning from the msitakes you made, the red flags you ignored, what was it about you that made you stay with him in the first place, etc. I mean, if someone runs a red light and slams into your car, you can take a hammer and wail on their car, you can drag them out and punch them, but your car will still be totalled until you fix it. I think your energy would be better spent fixing your own car.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 08-19-2008 at 08:13 AM.

 
Old 08-19-2008, 08:13 AM   #4
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: nevermind
Posts: 539
emma j HB User
Re: to tell or not to tell

Thanks,
I know that he is sooooo not worth worrying about.I stupidly sill love him.But thats the ONLY thing.i'd nver ever be with him again. i hate him so much he disusts me, but he disgusts me even more how he treats women, his gf. the things he says about her. they went away and he was asked who was paying and he said oh we both paid for ourselfs i wsn't paying for that b!tch..yet he says he's so happy in this relationhip. hell i dont give a crap about there relationship, i only care about me now but ahh how wonderful it would be to give him a taste oh his own medicine!!!
__________________
If my life was written down in a book, you wouldn't get a single chapter, you would get the whole book.

 
Old 08-19-2008, 08:13 AM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
rosequartz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Chicago,IL
Posts: 10,358
rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
Re: to tell or not to tell

nah don't tell.....she'll find out eventually
if you tell, she won't believe you anyway and will think it's just sour grapes

 
Old 08-19-2008, 08:38 AM   #6
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: nevermind
Posts: 539
emma j HB User
Re: to tell or not to tell

I think in my heart i knew that i never was going to say anything. i'm not that kind of person to go that low. I'm just really hurting right now. Plus best friend who was my first bf died just ove a month ago and i think its all just compiling into on big emotion.
LM - i really am trying to "find" myself again. the person i was but i feel so much of me has changed re. my attidudes towards relationships. I'm hoping that in time ill feel differently when i meet that special someone who will always be that special someone but right now i don't think that exsist.
i am going away through, to africa, i have family there and i'm just goingto take off for 3 months and get away from my life here. Get over my ex an not having to hear wat he's doing and get over my friends death.
__________________
If my life was written down in a book, you wouldn't get a single chapter, you would get the whole book.

 
Old 08-19-2008, 08:47 AM   #7
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 127
ICFK1 HB User
Re: to tell or not to tell

My question is why do you give this guy so much free rent space in your head nad of your time - he's an insecure, immature boy and you taking MORe of your valuable time/effort on him in any way is not positive for you.

 
Old 08-19-2008, 08:48 AM   #8
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 4,081
Larrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB User
Re: to tell or not to tell

Oh, I'm very sorry to hear about your friend. I hope the trip will get your mind off things.

I know how you feel, though. I've met people who knew me before I knew the ex, or while I was dating my ex and see me now and they kind of frown and say "you've changed." I have to admit that a little piece of my heart, my spirit did die with him leaving me the way he did, but I think that's just natural. I'm rather Donnarian in that way. We are all involved in humanity, and what other people do to us has an effect on us, as much as we like to pretent we're all separate little islands unto ourselves and nothing anyone else does affects us at all, that just simply isn't true. How we treat each other matters, and it affects others, and it leaves scars that can last forever. I wish more people understood that.

I think it's partly working to find the joy in life you had wherever you can find it, and being the best that you know how to be, and also just accepting that when you really love someone, I mean really love them, you are never the same person you were before you met them. We can't let it make us bitter or angry or so wounded that we are crippled forever, but hard knocks happen, and they leave scars, but they leave valuable life lessons as well.

 
Old 08-19-2008, 01:47 PM   #9
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 4,202
happymom28 HB User
Re: to tell or not to tell

She's not going to believe anything you have to say on the matter so why even bother? She will eventually find out and hopefully will be able to move on with her life. But you saying something is going to make YOU look bad, not him. Stay out of it because it is none of your business.

 
Old 08-19-2008, 06:43 PM   #10
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: nevermind
Posts: 539
emma j HB User
Re: to tell or not to tell

Quote:
Originally Posted by ICFK1 View Post
My question is why do you give this guy so much free rent space in your head nad of your time - he's an insecure, immature boy and you taking MORe of your valuable time/effort on him in any way is not positive for you.
these four lines have helped me so much. but to answer, i thought i was gonna marry this guy, have his children, i am unfortunety still in love with him but i know that will fade eventually.I should't be letting him take u so much space in my head.

LM - you took the words out ofmy mouth when you said that a piece of ur heart and spirt died when he left. thats how i'm feeling. i feel like he took so much more from me when he left then just ending a relationship.

I won't be saying anything. why bother, i just needed some views on the situation i guess. i think i'm just going trough a rough time right now.

Thanks guys
emma x
__________________
If my life was written down in a book, you wouldn't get a single chapter, you would get the whole book.

Last edited by emma j; 08-19-2008 at 06:44 PM.

 
Old 08-20-2008, 06:42 AM   #11
Facilitator
(female)
 
Seraph's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 4,799
Seraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB User
Re: to tell or not to tell

When you are old and grey, and remembering your past, you will be glad you acted with dignity and did not set out to hurt anyone. This will be worth sucking it up and moving on. This guy is a jerk, and sooner or later he will sink to his worthless level without you expending any more energy on him or his new GF. The satisfaction of slipping it to someone is quite fleeting, and the shame lasts much longer. Although, maybe ordering a kneecapping on him would be pretty good.....LOL, Sera

 
Old 08-20-2008, 06:48 AM   #12
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: nevermind
Posts: 539
emma j HB User
Re: to tell or not to tell

lol, ordering a knee-cappin on him. scary thing is i prob could!!

no your right, your all right. When i'm finally over this jerk i'll think why did i waste so much energy on him. i know its cos i still love him but still wy bother. His gf will get the same shock i got when she arrives home and he dumps her. That will be sweet enough for me i think!!

thanks
__________________
If my life was written down in a book, you wouldn't get a single chapter, you would get the whole book.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Hurt feelings - what do i tell my 3yr old to say to other kids? lauriejacknseth Cerebral Palsy 6 02-28-2007 05:43 AM
When is the right time to tell your new partner you have herpes? maryland87 Herpes 6 02-01-2007 04:39 PM
Need Advice - How to tell potential partner zuniz Herpes 1 12-05-2006 11:36 PM
I did not tell before hand Nreality Herpes 1 06-23-2006 12:11 PM
When do you tell a mother she is dying jmurs Death & Dying 8 06-17-2005 05:33 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Kszan (273), rosequartz (255), pendulum (172), Larrylou'smom (164), Seraph (160), cryingforever (132), CadenceA (131), lenvegas (103), writeleft (83), Ely4 (62)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1180), MSJayhawk (1013), Apollo123 (909), Titchou (856), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (763), ladybud (755), midwest1 (671), sammy64 (668), BlueSkies14 (607)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:50 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!