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Old 08-19-2008, 11:45 AM   #1
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How many "relationship seekers" out there who feel, it won't happen?

I'm just curious how many of you, who actually would love to be in a relationship, have not had any success, . . . . .and may even realize that you probably won't?

I haven't posted in a long time, but those who know me, know my story already, so I won't belabor it here. I will say that I no longer wish I was with her anymore. I'm glad she's not in my life anymore!

However, I just turned 40 at the beginning of this month, and my prospects are "nil" to "I don't think so". The thing is, I see others around me who are engaging in relationships, . . . even one girl who divorced well after me, already in a relationship. . . . . . .can't fault her, though. She's pretty attractive.

It is a bit discouraging to see those in happy relationships when I know that the odds are greatly stacked against me.

What is your opinion?

Oh, by the way, . . . please no "just get a dog" type of responses. Thanks!
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Old 08-19-2008, 11:53 AM   #2
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Re: How many "relationship seakers" out there who feel, it won't happen?

In what way are the odds stacked against you?

I am a divorced 40 year old woman who has been serially dating much younger guys because I never seem to find men my age that are available.

 
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Old 08-19-2008, 12:07 PM   #3
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Re: How many "relationship seakers" out there who feel, it won't happen?

Quote:
Originally Posted by EDC_Light View Post
... when I know that the odds are greatly stacked against me.

What is your opinion?

Oh, by the way, . . . please no "just get a dog" type of responses. Thanks!
But please elaborate on this: why are the odds "greatly stacked against" you? Who said so? Your inner voice? Your "failures" in the past? How do you know that?

Are you afraid of something? Of losing your freedom? Of not finding the "right" girl? You can be afraid (we all are afraid somehow), and yet you can date people.

Whatever you do, you lose AND gain something.

You are still very young, believe me. I was somewhat older when I met my wife.

My opinion is that first of all you should look after yourself. And then start smiling to people more frequently. Show more interest (without being intrusive or too curious, of course) in other people's lives. Leave your ivory tower, if you happen to live in one, and come down to play. Don't take life so seriously. Accept this truth: there are moments of happiness AND there are moments of sadness.

Live your life, despite your fears and your relative pessimism. Run a few risks, I don't mean life-threatening ones, rather than keep wondering "what if...?" or "when finally...?" or "isn't it too late?"

 
Old 08-19-2008, 12:15 PM   #4
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Re: How many "relationship seakers" out there who feel, it won't happen?

EDC just because some girl divorced after you and is in a relationship now doesn't mean diddly.....there are people who can't be alone......for whatever reason or another. It doesn't mean it's a good or healthy relationship. And yes I agree with everyone else......please tell us why the odds are stacked against you? So what you're older, so is everyone else out there and there's always a new crop of divorcee's entering the dating world....
but yes to get back to the original question, I felt that way for the last couple years. I just stopped seeking relationships because they just weren't worth the drama and aggrivation, and my thinking had changed that I'm not so sure I would "love to be" in a relationship......oh sure if it was worth it, but I'm not willing to settle. Does that make any sense?

 
Old 08-19-2008, 12:28 PM   #5
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Re: How many "relationship seakers" out there who feel, it won't happen?

First, I want to state that I am not miserable, at all. I enjoy some aspects of my life. My relational life is just . . . . . lack luster.

As for "the odds stacked against", they may be my own perceptions, but they are placed there by what I see in both "societal norms" and my own life. They are not set in stone, by any stretch of the imagination, but there are factors that do play important roles when it comes to attracting the opposite sex. Again, it isn't always the case, but I would say that these factors play more of a part than I've read in "responses to prop up someone".

As a NORM, . . . (in terms of guys):

Tall trumps short
Bigger build trumps thin
Tan trumps white (if you're caucasian)
Full head of hair trumps bald or balding
No moles trump moles
Minimal body hair trumps body hair

Of that list, I'm on the side of the trumped.

Also with that, most women want to have children, and I am unable to.

This is all beside the point, though. The main thought is, sure a person can go out and have an evening with a friend or friends, but the coming home by yourself sometimes is a trial. And again, I'm not sure about the rest of you, . . . but either I'm just not one that women like IN that way, or I don't go to the right places, . . . . or something, . . . because prospects are, again, none.

I wouldn't want anyone to read this as a sob story. My life is better than many. I have a great family that I spend most of my free time with.
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Old 08-19-2008, 12:32 PM   #6
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Re: How many "relationship seakers" out there who feel, it won't happen?

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Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
EDC just because some girl divorced after you and is in a relationship now doesn't mean diddly.....there are people who can't be alone......for whatever reason or another. It doesn't mean it's a good or healthy relationship. And yes I agree with everyone else......please tell us why the odds are stacked against you? So what you're older, so is everyone else out there and there's always a new crop of divorcee's entering the dating world....
but yes to get back to the original question, I felt that way for the last couple years. I just stopped seeking relationships because they just weren't worth the drama and aggrivation, and my thinking had changed that I'm not so sure I would "love to be" in a relationship......oh sure if it was worth it, but I'm not willing to settle. Does that make any sense?
Yes, that makes sense, rosequartz. I'm not willing to settle either, . . . . which is part of the problem. I am not willing to be in a "ho hum" relationship just to have someone around. I'm still a bit of a romantic. I'd love to spend the rest of my life with my "best friend", that "true love" thing that probably few realistically have, . . . . but I DO desire it. The "stacked odds" are, it won't happen. I should learn to be content with that, . . . but a part of me, . . . . kinda morns it.
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Old 08-19-2008, 01:03 PM   #7
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Re: How many "relationship seakers" out there who feel, it won't happen?

I think it depends on the purpose for which you seek a relationship - as to whether age determines your potential to have one successfully.

I fyou want a 20-something year old dynamic at 40 - unlikely that any relationship you're in will last.

If you want a 40-something year old dynamic at 40 - very possible to find someonee with shared standards and priorities if you are being true to your character and values and interests, and using your time and effort wisely.

 
Old 08-19-2008, 01:08 PM   #8
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Re: How many "relationship seakers" out there who feel, it won't happen?

20 year old dynamics? 40 year old dynamics? Please explain.
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Old 08-19-2008, 01:24 PM   #9
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Re: How many "relationship seakers" out there who feel, it won't happen?

Have you tried internet dating to meet people for friendship and possibly more?
I was reading that most people now over the age of 35 meet online.
Great way to meet new people, to talk to in the evenings and possibly more.
Its just about finding the right agency.

 
Old 08-19-2008, 01:28 PM   #10
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Re: How many "relationship seakers" out there who feel, it won't happen?

When you're 20 - you're looking for someone to complete you - it's a time in your life where you're less sure of who yu are, what you want, what you require of you, what you believe, and what you want to be the master and commander of - as far as your destiny.

So you're looking for someone to be there for you, with you, complete you to a degree, set some path and purpose. There's lots of voids and unknowns, and the needs, expectations, and association with others fills it....it determines your options and opportunities to a great extent.

When you're 40 - yu should know what you believe, your moral and ethical compass should be set, a great deal of what you value and prioritize is incorporated in your life and won't be subject to change, and a large percentage of what you wanted to have, become, and oversee as the master and commander of your destiny is already happened. You're not looking for someone to come in and show you new and different paths or options...you're looking for someone whoo's a great deal like you - that fits in the small gaps of space in an already full and successful life.

 
Old 08-19-2008, 01:29 PM   #11
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Re: How many "relationship seakers" out there who feel, it won't happen?

Internet dating? . . . . Tried that. . . . collosal failure.

I had one person who was interested, but we both realized that we weren't a match. The only other person was a REALLY weird woman who wore too much 80's makeup.

For the rest, if I was even slightly interested, they had "what they liked" characteristics that I fell short of. Namely, . . being too short, or too old, or not enough money, or something. I gave up on it.
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Old 08-19-2008, 01:31 PM   #12
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Re: How many "relationship seakers" out there who feel, it won't happen?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ICFK1 View Post
When you're 20 - you're looking for someone to complete you - it's a time in your life where you're less sure of who yu are, what you want, what you require of you, what you believe, and what you want to be the master and commander of - as far as your destiny.

So you're looking for someone to be there for you, with you, complete you to a degree, set some path and purpose. There's lots of voids and unknowns, and the needs, expectations, and association with others fills it....it determines your options and opportunities to a great extent.

When you're 40 - yu should know what you believe, your moral and ethical compass should be set, a great deal of what you value and prioritize is incorporated in your life and won't be subject to change, and a large percentage of what you wanted to have, become, and oversee as the master and commander of your destiny is already happened. You're not looking for someone to come in and show you new and different paths or options...you're looking for someone whoo's a great deal like you - that fits in the small gaps of space in an already full and successful life.
Ah, . . .got it! Thanks for the explaination. I'm definitely closer to the second group.
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Old 08-19-2008, 01:31 PM   #13
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Re: How many "relationship seakers" out there who feel, it won't happen?

I'm not sure why anybody would think internet dating is an option - unless they were willling to engage in at least 500 meetings, 250 dates, 1000's of phone calls and emails - to at least 500 persons.

Dating is a numbers game...while on-line puts you out there to more people en mass....it doesn't eliminate the leg work of association en mass.

 
Old 08-19-2008, 01:32 PM   #14
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Re: How many "relationship seakers" out there who feel, it won't happen?

internet dating is an option and a decent one....you don't have to meet 250 to 500 people, you just need to meet 1 right one.
And yes I know you have to weed them out, I've done it, but it's not impossible to find decent people on-line

 
Old 08-19-2008, 01:33 PM   #15
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Re: How many "relationship seakers" out there who feel, it won't happen?

The way I've always thought of it - 20 something year olds form a relationship to have someone to walk the path of life with....becuase they're not sure they can handle the path alone.

40 something year olds are content to meet up for sex, breakfast, dinner, and balancing the checkbook that they share - because the challenge of life is a thrilling thing, they know how capable they are of handling it and aren't wlling to forgo their individual, hard-won identity.

 
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