It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 08-19-2008, 11:52 AM   #1
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: missouri, united states
Posts: 155
lindsjean HB User
why is a person "mean" to their ex?

This may be a silly question, but i would like to get your opinion....here is the question: why do some people act disrespectful, cruel, harsh, rude, etc toward an ex? I understand that people grow out of love, and also carry bitter feelings after a break up, but is it necessary to act cruel toward another individual? why doesn't the ex think that 'the other person is human and has feelings as well'?

i am asking this b/c my ex is being EXTREMELY cruel and it hurts......most of you know some of my story so i won't write it again, but i would love to hear your res pones...

Linds

 
Old 08-19-2008, 12:39 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 4,082
Larrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB User
Re: why is a person "mean" to their ex?

Well, I think a large part of it depends on who did the dumping and who was the dumpee, and if there was any dishonesty, cheating, or wrong doing during the course of the relationship. I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with your story and don't have time to go back through posts and read up on it, but I can tell you just from my own perspective, I don't care to ever see my ex ever again, and if I did, I don't think I would be rude, but I would be short and snippy, because I'm still very angry with him and probably always will be. I feel I'm owed an apology for the lies he told and how disrespectfully he treated me, and until and unless I ever get that apology, which I won't, then he will always be the same guy who messed me over. Why should I be smiles and sunshine to someone who crapped all over me? It's also a matter of perspective. He feels he treated me with respect and didn't do anything really wrong, and would probably call me bitter and neurotic for feeling the way I do. But I feel he was just a not very nice person who refuses to accept responsibility for his wrong doing. It's all a matter of perspective. I also think gender plays a part. Sometimes when less mature men dump a woman, they think it's a manly thing to treat her badly in front of his "bros" to show he's too manly to feel bad or to have remorse or regret for having done her wrong. The kind of "I'm done with you, just go away now ho" kind of thing.

It depends on the situation. But I think unless you are blatantly abusive, everyone has a right to their feelings, and being mean and cruel to an ex is more often than not just a lack of closure and acting out to someone who you feel hurt you badly and never attempted to make amends for it.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 08-19-2008, 01:00 PM   #3
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 289
bluesky123 HB User
Re: why is a person "mean" to their ex?

I had a boyfriend, four years ago. He has tried contacting me several times in the last few years. Even turned up at my workplace. But I totally ignore him. I wish him all the best and I wish I could talk to him, but so much happened, and he did wrong things to me and while he did did make up for those things, and while he would have married me at the drop of a hat, I had to break up with him because I couldn't forgive and forget.
I know I come across as mean, but I cannot help it, I just want nothing to do with him so I will ignore him or be very short with him.
Thats just my experience...

 
Old 08-19-2008, 01:01 PM   #4
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 127
ICFK1 HB User
Re: why is a person "mean" to their ex?

I think there's several aspects. The first is that you didn't see them as self-centered, one-sided, and manipulative while you were in a relationship - now that you're not - you do, to some extent. With time that fades if it's an inaccurate assessment.

Second.....as the person dumped, you haven't emotionally left the present and future "with this person". But long before they broke up - they began to restructure their lives, options, and assets to be single - to be self-sufficient and optioned and secure. So they're much further along in a single lifestyle rebuilding process than you are - by defaultof wanting out of the relationship long before they got out - and didn't get out until the situational details were right for them.

Third, how you take the breakup often determines how they act. If you accept that they don't want with you - what you want with them...and don't hound, pester, beg, or insult them to mutual peers - that person doesn't have to be mean, derogatory, or demeaning to you to get you to "back off". If you're constantly wanting "closure" - what you're asking for is rejection and they're likely to give it to you privately and publicly, and not very pleasantly. If you're not speaking a language of civility with your actions and requests....they are not able to speak to you in a language of decency with their responses and reactions.

 
Old 08-19-2008, 01:05 PM   #5
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Missouri
Posts: 791
EDC_Light HB User
Re: why is a person "mean" to their ex?

I agree. It depends upon the situation. As for me, I would not treat my ex nicely if I saw her (which would be a chance, by accident, occurance). She lied, destroyed the relationship, left me with nothing by my junk (when she had everything set up nicely for her), . . . no, there would be no pleasantries. I'm sure if I accidently ran into her, she would be shocked at who she thinks I am (as she remembers me). I used to be a nice guy, but that all changed after she cheated, lied, and manipulated everything for her favor.

I don't know your story either, fyi.
__________________
EDC means EveryDay Carry...........because everyone should carry a small light with them all the time.

 
Old 08-19-2008, 01:10 PM   #6
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,884
cmpgirl HB User
Re: why is a person "mean" to their ex?

I haven't read all of your previous posts, but enough to get the gist of it. My response in your situation is ....... Ego, Ego, Ego.

Your ex is a big fat narcissist. If you haven't ever dealt with one before this relationship, just do a bit of research and you'll see what I mean.

Some people (both men and women) are just so self-absorbed, that they have no concern for anyone but themselves. They actually enjoy watching people suffer, especially at their own hand. They are sick, literally. And I've known so many people in my life who have been involved with a narcissist and have been to he** and back. They thrive on dragging the manipulation and head games out as long as they can, because they actually get something out of it. A kind of sick satisfaction.

I know it has been difficult for you to get over this guy and you have to understand that this is just what he wants. It makes his day, every time he hurts you. And he will do this to every woman he ever gets involved with, so even though that is small consolation, at least you can know that it wasn't your fault.

I wish you the very best and I hope you can find the right guy for you. They are out there. I am blessed to have one of them, myself. So, please don't give up hope. Take care of yourself. And stay as far away from this guy as you can. (Hard, I know, given your work situation) You deserve some peace.

 
Old 08-19-2008, 01:26 PM   #7
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Missouri
Posts: 791
EDC_Light HB User
Re: why is a person "mean" to their ex?

cmpgirl,. . . . are you sure you're not talking about MY ex wife?

What an amazingly detailed description of my situation, . . . . and I suspect, . . .the situation of many others, . . . because there are many narcasists out there wanting it all, not caring about who they step on just to satisfy their massive ego.

lindsjeans, don't dwell on this jerk anymore. Look for someone who will actually care about you as a person and you'll forget you even had thoughts about your ex. I wish the best for you.
__________________
EDC means EveryDay Carry...........because everyone should carry a small light with them all the time.

 
Old 08-19-2008, 01:32 PM   #8
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: California
Posts: 2,095
Redneon82 HB User
Re: why is a person "mean" to their ex?

When you're truly over him, he won't be able to hurt you. He'll try, but it will roll off you like water off a duck. And you may even find it amusing that he imagines he could ever make you feel anything, and you'll wonder how you ever let this guy have control over your moods, emotions and self esteem.

But until you're there, he will be able to hurt you. And he can see he hurts you, so he continues to do so. It does feed his ego..."this chick is so hung up on me, I must be some kind of stud". Why give that to him? Stop telling him he hurts you, stop asking him why, stop crying or showing him any emotion, and he'll stop the mean behavior, because it won't be fun for him anymore.

 
Old 08-19-2008, 01:34 PM   #9
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 127
ICFK1 HB User
Re: why is a person "mean" to their ex?

A person can't be manipulated - unless they consider themselves playdoh and a relationship is supposed to give them form and substance.

 
Old 08-19-2008, 01:38 PM   #10
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 4,202
happymom28 HB User
Re: why is a person "mean" to their ex?

I think every situation is different depending on the people involved and the circumstances.

Your situation, he's a jerk plain and simple. He tried to get his "booty call" and it didn't work. You took his calling as a sign that it wasn't because he knew how you still feel. He is treating you like absolute doggy doodoo because he thinks he can get away with it.

What you have to do is pay no attention to him whatsoever. No matter how badly you are hurting smile. Make it look like you are happy without him. Don't call him or find any reason to talk to him. If he calls or messages you again then ignore him. He is not worth your tears honey! So put on the fake smile and be as "happy" as you can. I think you will see over time it will become less of an act and your real happiness will take over.

The most important thing is to not let him in again. It is all about him and his ego. Do not make that mistake again. Let him be miserable to another girl. You are better than him!

 
Old 08-19-2008, 01:51 PM   #11
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 289
bluesky123 HB User
Re: why is a person "mean" to their ex?

Quote:
Originally Posted by happymom28 View Post
What you have to do is pay no attention to him whatsoever. No matter how badly you are hurting smile. Make it look like you are happy without him. Don't call him or find any reason to talk to him. If he calls or messages you again then ignore him. He is not worth your tears honey! So put on the fake smile and be as "happy" as you can. I think you will see over time it will become less of an act and your real happiness will take over.
Wonderful advice.
Give yourself time. Soon you won't care!

 
Old 08-19-2008, 05:16 PM   #12
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: missouri, united states
Posts: 155
lindsjean HB User
Re: why is a person "mean" to their ex?

Thanks guys and girls for your responses. I understood every one of them and smiled at the encouragement. I know that my ex and i have been through rough times and he is being "mean" b/c A) he is hurt and/or B) b/c he is a pig. I think it is both A & B......

the reason i say i think it is both A & B is b/c I am hurt and I don't treat him like he is a piece of gum on my running shoe.....

the people who told me to leave him alone, i know that is what i HAVE to do to get over him, but it is hard as he**! I try to remind myself that I am in school, I am doing research, I am doing all the things i love in life so i NEED to appreciate the positive and leave that bloke alone......however sometimes i have a soft heart... i think 'okay maybe we had hard times, but what can i do to make things better....' even though HE LIED and HE CHEATED i still forgave him .....but *sigh* i am sooooo tired of being sick and tired!.i know i am beautiful, i know i am smart, and i know i deserve REAL love.....i suppose it is time to let go of the ex....damn this is hard!


thanks again guys

Linds

 
Old 08-19-2008, 05:19 PM   #13
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 127
ICFK1 HB User
Re: why is a person "mean" to their ex?

Suggestion - if ever you consider someone a pig - and you're associated with them, realize you are the crap they're rolling in - if they're the pig.

So would you rather be the pig - or the crap? Because you're one or the other, when you access your thoughts that say "he's a pig".

 
Old 08-19-2008, 09:39 PM   #14
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,884
cmpgirl HB User
Re: why is a person "mean" to their ex?

Quote:
Originally Posted by lindsjean View Post

the reason i say i think it is both A & B is b/c I am hurt and I don't treat him like he is a piece of gum on my running shoe.....
Please don't make the mistake of thinking that just because you would never treat someone like this, that he wouldn't. He doesn't think or function like you Linds. Did you look up the definition of narcissist? If not, please do. It could prevent you from ever getting involved with a jerk like him again. (Or, God forbid, him)

 
Old 08-20-2008, 03:22 AM   #15
Facilitator
(female)
 
Seraph's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 4,674
Seraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB UserSeraph HB User
Re: why is a person "mean" to their ex?

My son has just been dumped by his narcissistic wife because he developed a mystery brain illness. He has trouble walking and talking, but is gradually improving with lots of therapy etc. She seems to go out of her way to be cruel to him, almost as if HE were the one who cheated (which she did the minute he was out of the house). She says things like "I should have all the money from the house, as I need it and you don't since you are always going to be like this", and if he raises his voice (as you would if you were as hurt as he is), she threatens him with no access to the kids, restraining orders, etc. I don't know what she gets out of it, I guess it is just being a NPD, any reaction is good, and she relishes the power to inflict pain. Usually, though, my experience has been mostly with people who did at least try to get along and part with their dignity intact. This doesn't include ones who run off with other people, all bets are off there. Sera

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
What does "slightly decreased excursion of TMJ" mean? imaworrier TMJ Disorder -TemporoMandibular Joint 1 08-19-2006 03:15 PM
What does, "Ovary feels full" mean? imaworrier Women's Health 0 06-14-2006 08:43 PM
What does "effaced" mean? jukaam Pregnancy 3 03-23-2006 09:43 AM
Does a nodule with "spiculation" mean cancer for sure? Tiz Cancer: Lung 5 03-10-2005 10:20 AM
What does "enhanced contractility" mean? rubydoo63 Heart Disorders 5 01-06-2005 09:34 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Kszan (260), rosequartz (245), pendulum (172), Larrylou'smom (164), Seraph (155), cryingforever (132), CadenceA (131), lenvegas (87), writeleft (83), Ely4 (62)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1136), MSJayhawk (941), Apollo123 (855), janewhite1 (823), Titchou (769), Gabriel (743), ladybud (667), sammy64 (666), midwest1 (654), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:26 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.com™
Copyright and Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!