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Old 08-19-2008, 05:45 PM   #1
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how do i "break up"?

okay I went on a date with this guy last week. he's extremely hot, great body, great fashion sense, smart, attentive (but does have some not the greatest qualities I picked up on as well)....but I feel only a brother-sister kind of thing with him. No sparks whatsoever. he called last night and I didn't pick up b/c I knew the next time I talked to him, I'd end it with him. Which is better then what I usually do (phase the guy out), because I am trying to be more mature, etc.
He was so attentive on the date and his vm proved it, he was asking me detailed questions about my weekend and about things we had discussed, very sweet.

Some friends tried to get me to give him a second chance, but I doubt I'll ever feel strongly for him.
So today after work, I saw he left me a vm. I picked up my phone to access my mail, but accidentally called him instead - here I am still trying to formulate what I want to say, because i wouldn't mind being friends with him. (However, usually when people ask to be friends, its a cop-out and they want to never talk to the person again).
He picked and we made a date for tomorrow night.

so my questions:
when do i break up with him? do i give him another chance tomorrow then break up another night? do i call him before the date? after the date?
what exactly could i say to keep him as a friend but "break up" (even though after 1 date I realize we are not in a relationship) with him?

 
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Old 08-19-2008, 05:50 PM   #2
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Re: how do i "break up"?

first, you've gone on one date - there is nothing to "break up".

You can refuse subsequent dates when he asks you out - no need to elaborate, no thanks, I'm not really interested at this time - says enough.

Realize he didn't ask you out or seek to meet women to date to "make friends' - the idea that you could be "friends" is a cop out where you want to put him n the back burner in case your feelings change, or in case you have no other good prospects for awhile.

Do regarding others, what you'd like done in regard to you...I doubt you'd want to be "dated' while someone didn't find you that appealing or attractive for whatever reason -so that they have someone to do or talk to, or be seen with.

So simplly tell him the chemistry isn't there, and you enjoyed the time you spent iwth him, and you wish him well in finding that special someone to form a relationship with.

And let it go...because friendships are formed based in common interests, pursuits, and standards...you have no idea if you have any basis on which to form a friendship after one date.

You know he asked you out - looking to find a woman to date, not a woman to be friends with. If you two find yourselves running into each other socially becuase you do share personal interests or involvements or peer groups - you'll find out soon enough that you share enough to consider a friendship - without romance as a sparking agent.

Last edited by ICFK1; 08-19-2008 at 05:50 PM.

 
Old 08-19-2008, 11:16 PM   #3
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Re: how do i "break up"?

first, you've gone on one date - there is nothing to "break up".

that is why i put break-up in quotations, b/c I know after one date its no where close to a real break up. I said that to avoid writing "let a guy who I dated once down gently"


You can refuse subsequent dates when he asks you out - no need to elaborate, no thanks, I'm not really interested at this time - says enough.

Realize he didn't ask you out or seek to meet women to date to "make friends' - the idea that you could be "friends" is a cop out where you want to put him n the back burner in case your feelings change, or in case you have no other good prospects for awhile.


That is true, he may not have asked me out as friends. however, either I did not come across clearly, or you don't believe me, but he is a very smart, caring person whom I could see as a good friend. he is not in the back burner for me to possibly change my mind about with or without 'prospects', and I never once said that - and I have to question your immediate jump to that assumption. I have no intention to change my mind in how I feel about him, and I find it very hard to believe that he could feel such a strong romantic connection if I don't. my friends advised me to give him another chance b/c of his good qualities, not to play with him.

Do regarding others, what you'd like done in regard to you...I doubt you'd want to be "dated' while someone didn't find you that appealing or attractive for whatever reason -so that they have someone to do or talk to, or be seen with.

thats valid, and it is one of my concerns


So simplly tell him the chemistry isn't there, and you enjoyed the time you spent iwth him, and you wish him well in finding that special someone to form a relationship with.

And let it go...because friendships are formed based in common interests, pursuits, and standards...you have no idea if you have any basis on which to form a friendship after one date.

well so far, we seem to have similar thoughts ob all areas you discussed, and that is why i am still interested in getting to know him. regardless, how do you find new friends if you don't accept people with whom you do not have a history? I have an inkling that we can form a friendship - and form my experience at work, school, etc I (along with most people I presume) can usually recognize after a few hours of conversation if I want to venture a friendship or not.


You know he asked you out - looking to find a woman to date, not a woman to be friends with. If you two find yourselves running into each other socially becuase you do share personal interests or involvements or peer groups - you'll find out soon enough that you share enough to consider a friendship - without romance as a sparking agent.

Well, thats idealistic, but I live in a large city and peer/social/interest groups can exist without intermingling quite easily (besides that, he lives in a different city than I do). And good friends (outside of work that is) are harder to obtain as you get older - he seems to share a lot of qualities as good friends of mine that I like. That being said, how do I know? he could be a jerk - but i can't expect to know that right away or expect to learn that without trying to get to know him.

and although yes, he asked me out on a date, but he is leaving in two weeks for 8 months and he just moved here three months ago so maybe he is open to dating and / or new friends. and i know he went on a date the week before he met me, so he could still be dating other women for all I know. And - because I didn't have 'sparks' in the beginning, i find it strange that he felt them , so that leads me to think that the sparks aren't as strong as they could be, so he may be okay with being friends.

Thanks for your input.

 
Old 08-20-2008, 03:14 AM   #4
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Re: how do i "break up"?

If he is leaving soon, ask if you can email him from time to time to keep in touch in a friendly way. Make it clear that you are not ready for a romantic attachment, and that you value his interaction. If you do write, just keep it funny and light. I am sure he will be OK with this as he will be free to find a date with somebody else. Remember, too, that many enduring loves do begin as friendship....Sera

 
Old 08-20-2008, 06:46 AM   #5
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Re: how do i "break up"?

It seems that you're overcomplicating it to me.

You say he's leaving in a few weeks for 8 months. There is no way to form a relationship with someone in 3 weeks. You can't get to know them significantly in terms of character in that period of time.

What you're describing is he has all these "feelings" of romance....well, if he was seeking to have a whirlwind fling before leaving - he's looking at dating from a different perspective with a different purpose.

It very possible he's dating right now knowing he's leaving and his life is giong to tkae different directions, and options...as if he were on vacation. Everybody as they present - it's what he sees,what he enjoys, what he lusts after - he's not looking beyond what is readily available with them in the present time. That might have you think he has 'feelings" of romance - when he's really a romantic at heart, with alot of charm and pizzazz, that is looking to enjoy what is - for as long as it is - and that's it.

 
Old 08-20-2008, 07:33 AM   #6
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Re: how do i "break up"?

Sera - thanks thats great advice...i have a couple of intense exams the week after he leaves so i can't spend a ton of time with him right now anyway, i'll bring that up tonight

ICFK1- yeah i don't quite know what he's thinking so i'll try to determine it tonight. i very well may be over-complicating this but it doesn't happen that often that i fin someone (guy or girl) and think - wow i really want this person in my life as a friend. its true, many guys i (and probably most women) meet randomly aren't really looking for new friendship, but...i guess we'll see tonight!

thanks again!

 
Old 08-20-2008, 07:36 AM   #7
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Re: how do i "break up"?

I think it's more about being realistic.

It's giongto be just as difficult to get to know him as a friend - with distance for months coming in 3 weeks...as it is to be a lover.

If you want to keep in contact as an acquaintence so that if his life does bring him back in this direction, you can see what develops in terms of friendship - that'd be fine, if he's up for it.

 
Old 08-20-2008, 07:49 AM   #8
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Re: how do i "break up"?

In my humble opinion, this is already set up for exactly what you are looking for from him. I would continue to see him on a casual basis, and you have the perfect excuse to not let it go any further. All you have to say is, "you'll be leaving soon, for a long period of time, but I'd like to correspond via e-mail, etc. while you're away" and leave it at that.

This way, you've made no solid romantic commitments and you aren't leading him on. I see a win/win situation here.

Good luck with it.

 
Old 08-20-2008, 09:01 PM   #9
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Re: how do i "break up"?

Quote:
Originally Posted by cmpgirl View Post
In my humble opinion, this is already set up for exactly what you are looking for from him. I would continue to see him on a casual basis, and you have the perfect excuse to not let it go any further. All you have to say is, "you'll be leaving soon, for a long period of time, but I'd like to correspond via e-mail, etc. while you're away" and leave it at that.
oh goosshhh!! i really don't want to get started on this, yes, i've been through stuff like this with women, and YES i'm quite jaded and i really don't want to get started.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cmpgirl View Post
This way, you've made no solid romantic commitments and you aren't leading him on. I see a win/win situation here.
as someone who's been "victimized" by this, i can tell you that this would still be leading him on. the point, she knows what he wants, and most likely HE KNOWS SHE KNOWS WHAT HE WANTS. he's going to spend all this time thinking that they're "dating" when in her mind they're not. both people need to be on the same page. it best to just get everything out there. she doesn't have to bruise his ego by being so blunt like, "i'm not interested in you". why not just go the typical route and say you've been hurt recently and want to enjoy being single..and not just right now, but INDEFINITELY. don't leave any doors open. it gets the point across. when the goals of each are not the same, its best to part ways and allow him to create the void in his life to be filled by someone that actually does want a relationship. keeping him around knowing what he wants and that you don't want the same thing is just selfish. he'll likely NEVER want to be just friends.

to be insisting on this friendship nonesense is only making things more difficult for him. when guys have relationship in mind, we're not interested in being friends, PERIOD. if he does agree to it, its only because he thinks that, in time, he can win her over.

anyway, its all insignificant as he's leaving.

 
Old 08-20-2008, 09:41 PM   #10
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Re: how do i "break up"?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lance0204 View Post

as someone who's been "victimized" by this, i can tell you that this would still be leading him on. the point, she knows what he wants, and most likely HE KNOWS SHE KNOWS WHAT HE WANTS. he's going to spend all this time thinking that they're "dating" when in her mind they're not. both people need to be on the same page. it best to just get everything out there.

to be insisting on this friendship nonesense is only making things more difficult for him. when guys have relationship in mind, we're not interested in being friends, PERIOD. if he does agree to it, its only because he thinks that, in time, he can win her over.

anyway, its all insignificant as he's leaving.

Lance, Do you really think he's looking for a long-term relationship when he knows he's leaving for 8 months? When I said date him casually, I meant just that...... let him know that she considers this as casual, because he is leaving for a long time. I wasn't advising her to be deceptive. Just to keep it casual.

 
Old 08-21-2008, 06:22 AM   #11
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Re: how do i "break up"?

Well he came over last night and we had a really good time. I told him regardless of what happens, I would like to try a friendship with him - he was a bit off I think, but I said, you're leaving for 8 months anyway so what does it matter? Anyway, it was totally fine after that and we're hanging out again this weekend.
Thanks for everyone's advice!

 
Old 08-21-2008, 05:24 PM   #12
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Re: how do i "break up"?

Quote:
Originally Posted by cmpgirl View Post
Lance, Do you really think he's looking for a long-term relationship when he knows he's leaving for 8 months? When I said date him casually, I meant just that...... let him know that she considers this as casual, because he is leaving for a long time. I wasn't advising her to be deceptive. Just to keep it casual.
i know, that's why i ended by saying that its all insignificant at this point...i've just been through stuff like this way too often and the girl's line of thinking was exactly what you suggested..can you tell i'm just a wee bit jaded..

 
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