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Old 08-20-2008, 04:55 AM   #1
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Relationship not what I had imagined

I guess I'll start from the beginning. My girlfriend and I started dating almost 2 years ago. Lately, I've been feeling sort of detached from her. It started last week. I couldn't get to sleep because I kept thinking about how maybe we weren't meant to be together. I used to think we could last forever but when I cleared my mind and seriously thought about it my answer was that we can not. There's just so many things that are missing for me. I don't know if it's worth it sacrifising the relationship just so I can fullfil those longings. I don't even know if another girlfriend will do so.

My girlfriend and I have fun together, but don't do much. She comes over, we watch movies, tv shows, we occasionaly go to the restaurant, the movies(ie: just regular stuff). I am really really into music and play a lot of it but she really isn't and doesn't play any instruments and has no intention of learning. That's alright because I can't expect every single girl in the world to play music. But sometimes when I'm playing I at least expect her to make a comment but she never really stops what she's doing to listen to me play. Having said this, I am not fully comfortable singing my songs around her. I know this sounds silly because I should be(i play gigs at bars and stuff) but I guess deep down I'm scared she'll retort with something negative. Sometimes I'll be playing something on the piano or guitar and she'll sort of snort and tell me it sounds bad or that it's off but she isn't a musician so she shouldn't judge. I always wanted a girlfriend I could sing songs with. I wanted someone who would sing with me in the car while listening to music, but I don't even sing now and if I do, it's really low.

Another thing is that my girlfriend has a really short fuse. She will get in a bad mood if she is tired, hungry, cold, hot, has a headache, etc. She is really unreasonable when that happens. She has a really crabby side which leads me to believe that all women must be like that but I feel my girlfriend is a little much and dramatic. Sometimes she is downright unpleasant. I did a lot of nice things for her birthday last month. I sent her flowers at work, surprised her with a trip to a place she always wanted to go, brought her to eat dinner, but the night of her birthday she kept leading me on but then told me she didn't want to have sex even though she took off all her clothes and was acting like she did and yeah I got a little mad after. I told her not to do that if she doesn't want to do anything. I told her I didn't mind not having sex but that I didn't want her turning me on like that if she had no intention of following through with it. We have fought many times because of this. Anyways, I was mad for like 5 minutes but that girl holds a grudge like crazy. She got all angry then sad and then too proud to let me hug her and eventually I couldn't take it anymore so I walked out of the room and went to sit in the living room. When I came back she told me she wanted to leave and I told her I wouldn't let her leave angry so she got really careless and angry and she just took off into the night and the rain. I had to go chase her down with my car. She was just wlaking in the street. I was furious. I couldn't believe she would do this after all I did for her that week. It seemed so immature and ungreatful...but we made up.

It's just that lately I've been thinking a lot about this whole situation. I know that I love her but I don't want to stay with her just so she won't break down. She's pretty fragile but has so much pride. she would never admit that she would be heartbroken if I broke up with her but I know how much she loves me. That's why this is tearing me up so much. I litteraly have no idea what to do. I'm undergoing a big lifestyle change now also. I graduated highschool 3 years ago and started working right after. I decided to go back to college and I start next week. This means the whole routine of picking up my girlfriend after school and seeing her often will change. I need to keep my night job so between homework, working, school, and catching up on sleep, we won't see each other often and that will be hard. Plus, I've always had this crazy idea that I would meet a perfect girl in college.

I seriously am at a loss here. When I think about my girlfriend I no longer think about the flawless girl who I want to be with forever but I think about a girlfriend with flaws that I know I cannot live with which begs the question: should I just end it now and start over fresh or keep with it and possibly live my life in regret. It's so hard because I'm scared of making the wrong decision. I really do love her and I don't want to hurt her because she thinks we are the most wonderful couple in the world and she loves me to death.

There's more things also. When I pick her up from work sometimes she is in a really good mood but if we stop on the way to get groceries or shop or whatever, she will most likely start getting fed up. I can see the change happening before my eyes. One of us will say something then she'll start walking faster telling me she's either tired or hungry or hot or has a headache. Then, when we get to my house she won't be in a pleasant mood.

Does anyone have any suggestions or tips on how to handle this? It feels like the hardest thing I've ever pondered. Thanks in advance. I'm just so lost right now. I thought about seeing a therapist to help me out a little. There's one other thing. I am watching a lot of this one tv show that deals with breakups and relationships and what not and playing alot of games I did when I was a kid which makes me think about how great it would be to be single again cuz id have so much time for myself. I never do much anymore. My music is on stand still cuz im always around my girlfriend. As for the tv, I hate to think that I'm just being histrionic or melodramatic but it's possible. But it doesn't erase the fact that I don't think her and I will work out in the long run.

Last edited by Moderator BAC; 08-20-2008 at 06:35 AM. Reason: Removed and replaced offensive words. Also, remember this is not a sexual health board.

 
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Old 08-20-2008, 05:24 AM   #2
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Re: Relationship not what I had imagined

You should never stay in a relationship that you are unhappy with because eventually resentment will build up. Your girlfriend almost sounds like she possibly has some kind of mental problem -- I mean that in the sense of some kind of depression or manic-depression or even ADD. If she really loves you then she wouldn't react the way she does and would be more open to your passion for music. It just doesn't sound right at all.

You would be doing both yourself and her a huge courtesy by ending it now. You are going to school and you want to focus on your studies (you should really focus on that vs. your idea of "meeting the perfect girl"). If your girlfriend really understands that your school is very important to you at this point in your life, she will step back. Tell her that you really like (love, if that is the case) her but since you are a returning student you have a lot of concerns about how much time you can actually devote to the relationship. It sounds as if you are young and not really ready to settle down into something very serious now anyway.

I just had a 3-month relationship end because my boyfriend is returning to school in the fall with a very heavy load. He has manic depression so our relationship was very hard all around (mood swings were the worst). Nonetheless, it was also a wonderful relationship in that we play in a band together, we both share a passion for music and we get along really well. We even have a side-project for music together where it is just me and him. I was really sad to have him say that he thought breaking up now was the right thing to do but, in reality, I realized that we would have very little time together when his classes started next week anyway. We are going to be friends, play music but without the expectation of sex or other highly emotional things going on. I think it will strengthen our friendship and, who knows, maybe we will get together in time. But truth be told, only if his mental illness is in check and he could be an easier person to get along with.

It will hurt her and you in the beginning but all things like this do get better in time. Imagine yourself having a hard time at school because of her. You don't want that. She should understand. Just be gentle about it. Best of luck!

 
Old 08-20-2008, 06:29 AM   #3
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Re: Relationship not what I had imagined

It would be very unfair to both of you if you persevere in this relationship. You are already having serious doubts, and these will not go away. It is impossible to change somebody to fit what you need in your life, and trying to do so will destroy any love you may have at the moment. I know it is hard, but listen to your heart and your gut and do not try to push and pull to make it all fit. Never works in the long haul. Your music is central to you and your life partner must value this more than this one does. Not all women are this moody, I agree with Mouse that she may have a mental issue. Life is too short and unpredictable to waste time tweaking an unsatisfactory relationship. Sera.

 
Old 08-20-2008, 07:38 AM   #4
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Re: Relationship not what I had imagined

Quote:
Originally Posted by waterworks View Post
Quote:
Sometimes I'll be playing something on the piano or guitar and she'll sort of snort and tell me it sounds bad or that it's off but she isn't a musician so she shouldn't judge.
Forget that she shouldn't judge because she isn't a musician. Actually, she should be supportive whether she is musically inclined or not. To snort or scoff at what you are playing is just downright selfish and mean spirited. Not to mention immature.
Quote:
She has a really crabby side which leads me to believe that all women must be like that but I feel my girlfriend is a little much and dramatic. Sometimes she is downright unpleasant.
No, not all women are like this. Usually only the immature ones.
Quote:
but the night of her birthday she kept leading me on but then told me she didn't want to have sex even though she took off all her clothes and was acting like she did and yeah I got a little mad after. We have fought many times because of this.
Also immature and a bit sadistic, if you ask me.
Quote:
She's pretty fragile but has so much pride. she would never admit that she would be heartbroken if I broke up with her but I know how much she loves me.
I wouldn't say fragile....... I'd say more like very spoiled and used to getting her way when she behaves like that.
Quote:
This means the whole routine of picking up my girlfriend after school and seeing her often will change.
By this, do you mean she is still in high school or something? If so, she may still have that teenage mentality about relationships. Kind of like still in the giggles and passing notes in class phase.
Quote:
I really do love her and I don't want to hurt her because she thinks we are the most wonderful couple in the world and she loves me to death.
I'm not so sure she loves you to death. Maybe she loves the idea of being in a relationship or having a steady boyfriend. But it doesn't really seem that she actually knows what real love is. Real, mature love doesn't work like this. Her behavior is more like game playing.
Quote:
I can see the change happening before my eyes. One of us will say something then she'll start walking faster telling me she's either tired or hungry or hot or has a headache. Then, when we get to my house she won't be in a pleasant mood.
Again, very immature behavior. Seeing any patterns here?
Quote:
My music is on stand still cuz im always around my girlfriend. As for the tv, I hate to think that I'm just being histrionic or melodramatic but it's possible. But it doesn't erase the fact that I don't think her and I will work out in the long run.
I would say that if anyone is being histrionic or melodramatic, it is her. You can't change your life to please someone. Especially when that person has no appreciation for what you are giving up or putting on hold for them. This is never a good idea. It will cause so much resentment on your part, down the road. Just by your words here, I can tell you already resent her to an extent. This won't get any better, because I do not believe that she has any intention of changing her negative, immature and spoiled behavior. It's who she is and most likely who she likes being. It "works" for her. She has a hissy fit and everything goes her way! Why would she want to change that? Please do yourself a favor. Let this relationship go. Go to college and meet new people. Start living your life for yourself again. If the right girl comes along, that's great. But you have plenty of time for that. Have fun. Enjoy being a carefree college student. You'll be so much happier in the long run. And she'll be driving some other guy nuts!

 
Old 08-20-2008, 03:15 PM   #5
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Re: Relationship not what I had imagined

Quote:
Originally Posted by waterworks View Post
I've always had this crazy idea that I would meet a perfect girl in college.

When I think about my girlfriend I no longer think about the flawless girl who I want to be with forever but I think about a girlfriend with flaws that I know I cannot live with which begs the question
Sorry to burst your bubble but there is no perfect person.
And I find that with someone you really, deeply love, it is their flaws you love most.

You should talk with your girlfriend. If you two have any chance, you need to work together.

But it sounds like you don't want it to work. It sounds like you've made up your mind. You've had enough from what you're saying to us here. And things are only going to get more difficult when you start college.

 
Old 08-20-2008, 03:21 PM   #6
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Re: Relationship not what I had imagined

Suggestion - go to college, restructure your day so that you go to school, do your homework, keep your job, pay your bills, etc. etc. etc.

You're responsible for your reality...and you have to ensure that you do what works in the present, and what allows you to have the future you want to have.

What you can't do in terms of tasks, chores, or time for/with your girlfriend as a result of pursuing becoming more successful and secure - it should fall by the wayside.


And if that ends the relationship - so be it. Don't put up with anything that stands between you and your dreams for your future.

A relationship isn't a goal, a security blanket, an identifying marker.

 
Old 08-20-2008, 03:39 PM   #7
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Re: Relationship not what I had imagined

Are you thinking this way because you are going off to college and want the "freedom" to meet someone slightly less flawed than your current gf? Ask yourself why all of a sudden you're coming to the 'realization' that she is not perfect. Be honest with yourself and be honest with her.

Don't go out expecting to ever find perfection. Everyone has little habits and moods that get on people's nerves. My general opinion is, yes, you described a lot of things in your post and described all together, yeah, they make it sound like she has many flaws. And if those things are happening consistently, then maybe she does have issues. But if those things happen once in awhile--like, one time you guys got in a fight and she walked off into the rain, or once or twice you played something on the piano that sounded bad and she made a sound--and the rest of the time she's a great girl, consider that possibility too.

 
Old 08-21-2008, 04:43 AM   #8
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Re: Relationship not what I had imagined

We had a really long talk about it yesterday. She kept her cool and listened to what I had to say and throughout the day, she seemed to change for the better. There were no mood swings or anything. We had a really nice day together. I told her that I loved her but I'm facing a major life change right now and that I'm confused about everything especially our relationship. We agreed that not being together all the time is good for us. Sometimes we both need days to wind down and relax alone. I understand this now. I think if we take it down a notch things will work out in the end. I also told her that I didn't like how she treated me sometimes and she apologized and told me she would try to be more conscientious. I was so confused yesterday. I don't need to meet someone new because I'm in a great relationship now. I think I made it sound worse than it really is. Sure, she has mood swings, but so does every other girl I've ever met. I just take care of her and make her happy when she is down. Anyways, thanks for the comments. We'll see how it goes. I just need a few months to adjust to this lifestyle.

 
Old 08-21-2008, 10:38 AM   #9
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Re: Relationship not what I had imagined

you know, nobody is perfect...yes we all do have mood swings. At least you and she can talk...some couples can't do that because they end up exploding. You just proved that the both of you can communicate which is so very important in a relationship.

good luck and chin up....you will be fine.

 
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