Hello all, you may remember that I posted about my one & only child, my son, is leaving for college 2 states away. I am single (divorced) so that means it'll just be me!
Now, while I'm very, very proud of my wonderful son getting awarded an academic scholarship, and proud that he has enough nerve to go 2 states away, where he knows absolutely no one, to go to school and achieve his goals, still...Mom is feeling those twinges of sadness.
Honestly, when he was originally talking about college, and about how he might decide to commute from home, I was disappointed! I wanted him to go away to college, get away from home and have new experiences with new people, not the same old kids he's known since kindergarten. Instead, he got accepted and won a scholarship to this great college and will be going there. I was so proud!
But still...I'm aggravated at myself for feeling sadness, sad that he won't be there at home when I get off work, sad that I won't be able to share my day with him, good or bad, sad that the one person who I enjoy most of all and who gives me joy no matter what, who I have spent the last 8 years with, just the two of us, since his dad and I split up...will be gone after today. I feel tears coming up and I have to keep reminding myself that this isn't about me, it's about him and the great future he has ahead of him, and how I cannot stand in the way of his life! I'm mad at myself for feeling this sadness...
I suppose I'm being human, but I hate that I'm feeling sad when I should be happy for him! I feel selfish!
I'm finding things to do to distract myself...moving out of my apartment and living (temporarily) with the guy I'm dating, looking for a new apartment in another city, talking to my bosses about starting a great new project...hoping that all these things will keep me busy & occupy my mind enough so I won't sit at home & cry from missing my son. I also have a cat companion, so someone will be there when I get home...
I hope this is normal and that I'm not a psycho clinging mother! Any thoughts?
oh red, my friend.....I'm sorry you're feeling a twinge of sadness. I guess its normal. How about keeping intouch via computer? IMing or with a web-cam, so you don't feel like he's really out of touch and far away? I'm sure he's feeling a lot of the same things you are.....excitement, anxiety and a little sadness. How wonderful that you're sending your boy off to get an education that will make his future that much more bright! He's going to a good place, he will grow up to be a man thru his independence. When you start feeling bad, just remember you're sending him off to school, you're not sending him off to Iraq. I don't know how those mothers can cope......
Hugs going out to you, you will be fine......spend some of your free time doing stuff you enjoy with your boyfriend, etc. time will fly and soon he will probably be home for the holidays. This is going to be a good thing!!!
Last edited by rosequartz; 08-20-2008 at 03:21 PM.
Take a lesson from the cat...cats are independent, self-sufficient and self-reliant......they miss what isn't there but only when it would be convenient for it to be there and it isn't...otherwise - they do what they want, because they want - period the end.
My whole heart goes out to you! Of course this is normal! Of course you are going to feel sad! Actually, I would bet that amidst the excitment your son is also feeling a bit sad. Try not to cry when he leaves, wait until he is gone if you have to do that.
You know my son left a year and half ago to move to New York. (I am in Alabama) and just the sight of his empty room could set me off. It took me at least 6 months to get rid of the complete sadness I felt walking into our home, knowing he wasn't here waiting for me.
It took me a week to be able to hold food down. I threw up everything I ate. I didn't sleep for so long I thought I heard voices. (I didn't have the warning you have, I came home and he was gone).....didnt know where or what he was going too. He is my only child as well.
There comes a time when all mothers have to face this day. Red, I can honestly tell you now that my son has been gone so long that both him and I are better adjusted people. I accept that he is living the life he wants and all I want for him is happiness.
You can get through this. It won't be easy. Don't expect it to be. Don't expect anything from yourself because thats what "other" mothers do. You and your son (like me and mine were) have been together and alone for so long.
Your son (whether he realises it or not) is also going to miss you and be homesick. I told my son that ALL children go through this when they leave home the first time. It's new and scary to them as well as to us.
I wanted you to know, that not long ago I was in your shoes. My son has visited one time since he left. I am waiting and hoping for another, but I hear from him often and as long as I know he is ok, then I am ok.
I have probably already been through everything you are going to go through the next few days. Please feel free to talk to me. I care because I know how bad it hurts.
Thank you so much for your responses. Mileena...what can I say? Yes, I did have advance warning so I've had time to prepare. I actually do understand from his side because 100 years ago, I too went away to college, all by myself, knowing no one. But I remember adjusting fine, and believe me, I want him to adjust fine too.
I'm sorry, Mileena, that you had no warning and just came home to find him gone. But it sounds like you are doing well, and have a great relationship with your son.
And Rose, I can't even begin to imagine what those war mothers are going through...they are far stronger than I could be. I will keep that in mind when I'm feeling self-pity...thanks for that.
I'm heading home now to help him pack. At least I get to go with him & be there for 2 days at Parent Orientation. So I'll leave him there and come home, and I'll get to see where he'll be living. And we will keep in touch via phone, computer, etc. Mom just needs to get her stuff together and keep busy so she's not constantly calling and bugging her son!
My 24 year old, "only" daughter moved 6 states away in June. She went to college after high school too, but only 2 hours away and came home every Friday and went back on Sunday night. We hardly knew she was gone during college, but now it's a different story.
We've had the crying phone calls, the elated ones and everything in between. You have no idea how many times I've wanted to say "Why don't you just come home honey"? But, instead, I just take a deep breath and say, "Don't worry honey, it'll all work out". Then I cry when I hang up the phone. Not as much lately.
There's an old Native American saying.......We raise our children to leave us. Much easier said than done, I know! But hubby and I have survived, and so has darling daughter. And in all honesty, we are so proud of her, we could bust! She has grown so much in just the last couple of months. It's actually bitter-sweet. You keep seeing this little boy or girl, in your mind's eye and that isn't who they really are anymore. All of a sudden you are the parent of an adult child!
You are not being selfish, at all. You are being a mom. A mom who loves her child and will miss him. It is one of the most normal feelings we can go through. But I can attest to the fact that it does get easier. (The hard part for me right now, is that she just told me yesterday, that she can't come home for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.)
Try not to worry too much. Remember how you've raised him and what he's learned about life, from you. How bad can that be, right? And I do have to say, things between hubby and I are kind of like old times, if you know what I mean. Enjoy the time with your boyfriend. You'll have a lot more time for those weekend get-aways and short, but romantic day trips. And the smaller loads of laundry are the best! Just remember, love spans all distances and nothing can change that. I wish you the best.
UPDATE: I just returned from taking my son to college. He's nervous and excited at the same time...a stressful combination! And I'm proud and wistful at the same time! When I had to leave, I told him I was proud of him and that he can call home whenever he wants, and that his family is here for him. I tried not to cry but my voice kept cracking! So when I flew home this morning, I texted him that I was proud of him and I loved him. He texted back "thanks and I love you too".
It's hard, I went into his room and it still looks like he'll come in at any minute. I'm moving out of this place so I won't come home and wish he was here. But I do understand that he's not mine forever! I told my best girlfriend that he used to be mine, but now he belongs to himself. And I'll always be his mom, but now he's grown up and will take care of himself.
Can't wait to hear how he likes school and hoping to hear he's doing well. Thanks for all the support!
Redneon, I understand that you are keeping his room the way it is. He will be coming "home" for his vacations, won't he?
Strange thing, but you will gradually get used to your new environment in such a way that whenever he comes back, you may experience some sort of disruption of your new routine, if you see what I mean, and he may feel somewhat like a fish out of water. Not that you love him less or that he loves you less... but aren't we "animals of habit"?
In a way, you are a fortunate parent: you have only one to "lose".
I am moving out of our current apartment, so my son's room will be no longer. Of course, he will be spending vacations and holidays splitting between myself and his father, so he will have his space at my new apartment.
And yes, people do adjust, so his visits will be a "treat" instead of the same old same old of son being home and mom going to work. I'll see him in 2 months for his mid-semester break. I'll learn to make my own new life and no longer one that's built around him. And that's normal and healthy.
But I'm still "Mom" so I have my emotional moments...but I wouldn't have it any other way. After all, doesn't all this mean he's been "raised" successfully? Otherwise, he wouldn't be "raised", he'd be "unraised". Or whatever less clumsy term can be used.
red thanks for the update, I was anxiously awaiting it!
your baby bird has left the nest......but isn't it a great feeling to see him fly on his own?
Hugs to you! Enjoy the new direction your life is taking you!
You can always take comfort in the fact that you totally raised him right. After all, he actually wants to get a higher education. You must have done something right. So many kids just quit school after graduating high school and never make anything out of their lives. He is actually excited about it and wants to have this adventure. That's a testament to your parenting, honestly. Children from divorced families aren't always as focused or driven, so you made the right choices and did right by him, so that should really make you feel pretty good about the situation. Just take comfort in that and know that you've prepared him well and he's actually going to be ok. He's going to be a responsible and capable adult, and it's all because you did a really good job of raising him, mostly on your own. Being a single mom is really hard and you made it work. So kudos to you on that.
I can't even imagine how you are feeling Redneon since my "babies" are still just that. I'm finding it hard to believe that my daughter is going into the second grade!
You sould like a wonderful, loving, and supportive mother. I'm sure your son has a great head on his shoulders. Don't forget, this is a new chapter in your life too. Who knows what opportunities can be out there for you???
Maybe that is why my mom had been kind of distant latley. I told my family I was going to the army to be a helicopter pilot. It is my dream. I know that there are dangers involved, but I want to go more than anything. Right now I am living with my dad and am going to be going into a warrant officer program in about 2 months. Im 26, so it is a bit different. Anyhow I wish you the best mom and feel lucky that he really isnt so far away. You can talk to him on the phone a bunch and you will see him at holidays. Also mom, maybe is it time to look for a new man? I know divorce is hard, but being single is harder. Good luc.