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Old 08-20-2008, 07:52 PM   #1
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Do I have a problem (if It's me, I need to know how to get past it).

I grew up in a home where my parents went most places together and made all decisions together. I'm currently with a man whom I love to death and vice versa. He grew up in a home where independence was a BIG thing. SO here's my issue. We've only been together a year, and he's going away to "help" friends out for a week with child care (they trust him completely), I wasn't invited (due to work he says - I think he still should have asked), but he STILL dhasn't ask me if I wanted to go, OR if I was ok with it. He just made the plans, and then when he found out I was upset, he got upset and told me to basically get over it. That if this was going to happen everytime he wanted to go away to visit or help friends, or relationship was going to be in trouble. I don't get that..in the environment I grew up in, neither of my parents would have done that. If one couldn't go, the other didn't, nor did they make any decision without consulting one another, and if one said no (no matter if the reason was logical or illogical), it was no - if they both said yes, it was yes. He's gone away for a few days right now on a training thing for work - spending the evening with his family - I feel like I should be there (ok, maybe I'm going a little over board with feelings on this one). I'm trying to see his side, his points, but I'm having a hard time. How do I get over this? How do I move forward?? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

 
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Old 08-20-2008, 08:27 PM   #2
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Re: Do I have a problem (if It's me, I need to know how to get past it).

I don't think you necessarily needed to be invited, but I do think he should have told you that he was going. He shouldn't really have to "ask" you if he can go. You guys are not married after all. So I agree and disagree with your point of view. Yes, I would be upset if my boyfriend did that and didn't tell me. I would hope he would tell me ahead of time and make sure we didn't have anything planned, etc. But, I would never expect him to check with me and if I said no, he wouldn't go. He can do what he wants and I'm not his mother or babysitter. He shouldn't have to bring you with him everywhere he goes or not be allowed to go because you don't want to.

 
Old 08-20-2008, 08:38 PM   #3
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Re: Do I have a problem (if It's me, I need to know how to get past it).

To me, it is almost irrelevant how your parents behaved towards (and respected) each other and how his parents were more of the laissez-faire kind, but it isn't irrelevant how he is ignoring you, your feelings and being (slightly) rude and impatient when you brought up the issue. He was almost telling you to shut up, but I might be wrong here. Besides, it really looks like as if he is excluding you from certain areas of his life. I presume you are too clear-headed a person to be clingy and to want to be around him 24 hours a day, but it seems he putting up a few unexpected constraints on your closeness and intimacy. Maybe this is the first time it is happening so noticeably, so I don't think you should consider this to be a permanent cleavage. But if he keeps keeping you in the dark (knowing that you'd rather be informed) and then dismissing your points of view, you have enough reasons to wonder if this is a really compatible relationship.

 
Old 08-20-2008, 09:18 PM   #4
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Re: Do I have a problem (if It's me, I need to know how to get past it).

It is interesting and helpful that you mentioned the differences with your parents. Seeing your parents do everything together is "normal" for you. For him, spending time apart is ok and "normal."

You may feel rejected and unwanted because he does not invite you everywhere he goes. He may feel smothered and fears losing his independence with you expecting to do everything together.

If you plan on spending your life together, you both will have to compromise: him including you in more things and you giving him some space. If you cannot do that now, you will not be able to later. The longer we are with a person, the more expectations we have of them.

I know how you are feeling because I used to feel that way. My husband is very independent and being in the military, he is gone a lot. I have come to appreciate the time when he is present for the family and enjoy the time to myself when he is not.

Now think about it. If you were asked to babysit, wouldn't you feel uncomfortable asking if your boyfriend could come too? How would the parents feel? Would the kids have your undivided attention with the boyfriend there? Would it be appropriate?

If I was away training, would it be appropriate to bring my boyfriend along? What would my boss or co-workers think? If you were married, that would be another story.

If your boyfriend is anything like my husband, he is probably very pratical and is concerned as to how things look to other people. I do not see anything inappropriate about his decision. Yes, it would be nice if he asked you to come along because he wants you at his side but that is probably not the best time. Some men are just not that way but it does not mean they care any less for you.

 
Old 08-20-2008, 11:43 PM   #5
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Re: Do I have a problem (if It's me, I need to know how to get past it).

If you are living together, then I say he should have discussed this with you. If not, then (even though it would have been a basic courtesy to talk with you about it), he really didn't have any "obligation" to ask you first.

Personally, I don't know if I'd marry a guy who doesn't even give you the courtesy to inform you that he'd been asked to do this. For me, that would make me feel a bit insignificant. I guess you have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you, or if you can continue to live with the idea of a partner who feels like he has a right to come and go, without so much as a "Oh, by the way....."

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best.

 
Old 08-21-2008, 07:34 AM   #6
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Re: Do I have a problem (if It's me, I need to know how to get past it).

I think it was really rude of him not to tell you about his plans. Not to ask for permission but just so you know what's going on, and you're not kept in the dark. How hard is it to say, Oh by the way, I'm going to so-and-so's to babysit their kids. Ok, thanks for letting me know. You know what I mean?

It doesn't sound like he really cares at all about your feelings or whether or not you know what's going on. So I think that you need to decide if this is the kind of life you want, or if you'd rather be with a guy who will actually tell you what's happening so you're not taken by surprise.

 
Old 08-21-2008, 07:59 AM   #7
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Re: Do I have a problem (if It's me, I need to know how to get past it).

This has to do with the fundamental way you both thing a relationship should be conducted, and there's a pretty big discrepancy. He feels you both should be able to blow like the wind and go and come as you please with barely so much as a "oh, by the way, next week I'm taking off for two weeks. See ya." And you feel a relationship should be much more than that, a team, a partnership where both partners are in on everything that goes on, and are in on all decisions that affect both your lives. You're going to be without him around for however long he'll be away, and that affects your life, and you had the right to at least be consulted on it. You're right, your relationship is in serious trouble if you guys can't make some serious compromises. It's not just up to you to "get over it." It's also up to him to understand your side of it and to understand your viewpoint on relationships and be more sensitive to that. Talk calmly and cooly to him about it.

 
Old 08-21-2008, 08:04 AM   #8
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Re: Do I have a problem (if It's me, I need to know how to get past it).

Quick point of interest - he's not married to you, you've been dating a year - you're not intertwined, comingled, and interdependent on one another financially, socially, mentally or emotionally.......and that is why he's doing his own thing.

what attracts people to one another is the unique diversity from self that the other person has.

If you're a person who wants someone just like you - that has lived in the same 20 mile radius forever, and is planning to live there for eternity - that has the same friends, same life and structure and associations as you did at 18-20.....you're probably with the wrong man.

it's not 'independent' - to go and do his own thing, for his own reasons...it's being an individual.

If you believe that you're not a fully complete, successful, identified and responsible person in your own right with a great life in your own efforts and abilities - that'd be a problem for him.

You'd be a great adjunct - but you'll do alot of cleaning, cooking, sewing, shopping, and taking care of details and tasks...while he goes out and 'lives life".

 
Old 08-21-2008, 08:14 AM   #9
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Re: Do I have a problem (if It's me, I need to know how to get past it).

you don't have a problem as long as you look at this relationship as CASUAL and you don't give him your heart to break. Don't marry the guy if you don't like his lifestyle......and his lifestyle is doing what he wants, when he wants without regard to your feelings.

 
Old 08-21-2008, 08:33 AM   #10
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Re: Do I have a problem (if It's me, I need to know how to get past it).

Quite honestly, I am with your boyfriend on this one. You do not have to go every where together, and he shouldn't have to ask permission to go nor should he have to invite you everywhere he goes. Space is normal and healthy in a relationship. I am married, and we do not ask permission to go. We have children, so I will make sure he is free and doesn't have plans so can be full on with the kids, and he will do the same. Quite frankly, sometimes he isn't invited because I just want to be with my friends, and same goes for him, he doesn't invite me everywhere. I think expecting to be joined at the hip is a mistake, and can lead to disaster, especially if your partner doesn't feel the same way. I go away twice a year with just friends for girls trips, and he goes away with just his friends. I do girls nights without him all the time, he knows he isn't invited and it's not a big deal. give your guy some space. And if you cannot be in the type of relationship that he wants and that I have, then this isn't the guy for you. But I think it's healthy to spend time apart and it has nothing to do with how mucy you love the person, my husband and I are still crazy about each other. As long as BOTH people get to do it. I would not be alright with my husband doing his own thing constanty, while I was stuck at home with no freedoms taking care of the house and kids, that would not be ok. But with us its equal and we both take equal time to ourselves. I also suspect he didn't mention it to you beforehand because he knew you would react badly, and didn't want to deal with it. And wanting to go on his training with him? why? that is just crazy.... is it that you don't trust him? with all due respect, I think you need to get a life outside of him. Even if you were married, you need friends, hobbies, things to do without each other. I think you are being way too clingy. I also think this is not the person for you if this is your attitude. I have dated men like you who had this attitude that I shouldn't be away or doing things without them, and let me just say they didn't last long.

Last edited by jennie250; 08-21-2008 at 08:40 AM.

 
Old 08-21-2008, 08:39 AM   #11
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Re: Do I have a problem (if It's me, I need to know how to get past it).

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
This has to do with the fundamental way you both thing a relationship should be conducted, and there's a pretty big discrepancy. He feels you both should be able to blow like the wind and go and come as you please with barely so much as a "oh, by the way, next week I'm taking off for two weeks. See ya." And you feel a relationship should be much more than that, a team, a partnership where both partners are in on everything that goes on, and are in on all decisions that affect both your lives. You're going to be without him around for however long he'll be away, and that affects your life, and you had the right to at least be consulted on it. You're right, your relationship is in serious trouble if you guys can't make some serious compromises. It's not just up to you to "get over it." It's also up to him to understand your side of it and to understand your viewpoint on relationships and be more sensitive to that. Talk calmly and cooly to him about it.
Yeah, what she said

I totally agree that it's not up to you to just get over it. You don't have a "problem." And neither does he, actually. But this is a difference of opinion you two have, and a compromise will need to be reached ... respectfully if you two expect this relationship to grow and blossom.

And we do learn about relationships by what we see and by what we're taught when we're young. There are many successful relationships out there between people who interact like your parents. And there are many relationships that do well with more independence and less interaction. But if you're not both on the same page, it's wrong to just assume the other is "wrong" and they have to "get over it."

Best of luck

 
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