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Old 08-21-2008, 04:20 AM   #1
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Am I overeacting?

I just need some advice, so I know whether I am overeacting about an issue.My husband and I have been married for 11 years. Prior to us marrying, he had a big group of friends, that he hung around with a lot. He is now still friends with a couple of them. Today in the mail he got an invitation to an engagement party for one of them. Only thing was only he is invited, my name wasn't even on the invitation. I went off at him, and told him how rude etc that was, and that after 11 years of marriage, it was courteous to invite me as well.

My husband told me I am making too much out of it. He told me that I was silly for making such a big deal out of it. Am I??? I don't think I am, but as usual, he disregards my feelings, as though they are nothing. Would other people be offended too if their spouse got invited somewhere, and their name wasn't on the invite?

 
Old 08-21-2008, 04:31 AM   #2
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Re: Am I overeacting?

I would be offended too, after 11 years of marriage. Your husband has only one decent thing to do and that is to make it clear to this friend that he comes with his wife or not at all. Perhaps, if they haven't kept up contact, they may not be sure that you are still together etc, but then they could still have invited "..and partner". I don't think you are overreacting, but keep calm, accept that your husband is not (yet) at fault, and tell him you would like to go. See how it turns out. Cheers, Sera.

 
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Old 08-21-2008, 04:40 AM   #3
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Re: Am I overeacting?

What do you mean by "going off at him"? Did you get loud and cuss him out?
If that was the case, maybe his reaction was predictable.

Anyway, I would be offended, as a spouse, if:

a) there was no invitation to me, but wait a moment: could it be the case they didn't know he was married? or that you are automatically invited, even if your name is not directly mentioned - an invitation to the family?

b) if the other party (my spouse) had seen no big deal in it, and

c) especially if the other party had not attempted to correct it, either.

I agree with you, but maybe there was also another way for you to approach him on the issue.

 
Old 08-21-2008, 04:52 AM   #4
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Re: Am I overeacting?

thanks Seraph for your reply - the person who did this came to our wedding, so they know we are married. It just really hurt my feelings - it was like saying that I just don't exist. My husband and I have been invited to one of my friends weddings in November, who has never even met my husband - yet she invited him anyway! He just can't get my hurt - he things I am blowing this whole thing out of proportion.

 
Old 08-21-2008, 06:26 AM   #5
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Re: Am I overeacting?

Quote:
Originally Posted by yellow rose View Post
thanks Seraph for your reply - the person who did this came to our wedding, so they know we are married. It just really hurt my feelings - it was like saying that I just don't exist. My husband and I have been invited to one of my friends weddings in November, who has never even met my husband - yet she invited him anyway! He just can't get my hurt - he things I am blowing this whole thing out of proportion.
If this person who invited your husband knows your husband is married, then yes, it was very very rude of him to not include you in the invite. It's an outside possibility that he forgot your name, though. I agree with Sera. Only one thing to do. You announce that this guy must have simply overlooked you and that you are coming to the party with your husband. End of discussion. And if your hsuband protests at all, then he can sleep on the couch until he sees the light. You guys are a team.

But I'd like to hear more about "as usual, he disregards my feelings." If this is a pattern with your husband, then there is a more serious problem here than what to do about a party.

 
Old 08-21-2008, 06:29 AM   #6
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Re: Am I overeacting?

Okay - so you go off on him - becuase of something he didn't do or control (send the invitation or address it)?

Why can't he just put on the invite Mr. & Mrs. X will attend...and have done with it.

If you go off on people when you "feel disregarded" - that's why you feel so irrelevant in the world.

People don't do what they do to make you feel a particular way, or eiminate you feeling a particular way. You having no delineation between what you do and odn't control, and others do and don't control - you're operating like a child in a world that revolves around you - and is structured around your feelings.

Nobody'd wanted to deal with that overmuch and you'd be avoided as a result. And like achild that is prone to trantrums, you'd be cut short from having one by the adults in your life it at all possible by telling you "be quiet".

 
Old 08-21-2008, 06:42 AM   #7
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Re: Am I overeacting?

my first suspicion would be.......is it REALLY an engagement party (which would seem both genders would be welcome).......or is "engagement party" just a disguise for a BACHELOR party??

 
Old 08-21-2008, 06:44 AM   #8
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Re: Am I overeacting?

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Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
my first suspicion would be.......is it REALLY an engagement party (which would seem both genders would be welcome).......or is "engagement party" just a disguise for a BACHELOR party??
Yeah, that's what I was thinking, as well. If it truly is an engagement party, then your husband should have no problem with you coming along. That's what husbands and wives do. If he balks at you coming to the party too, then something fishy's going on.

If you FEEL he's always disregarding your feelings, it's probably because he is. Your gut's trying to tell you something. Listen to it.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 08-21-2008 at 06:48 AM.

 
Old 08-21-2008, 07:28 AM   #9
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Re: Am I overeacting?

I thought it was pretty much a given that if you invite one spouse to a get-together (a get-together formal enough that written announcements/invitations are sent), that the other spouse is automatically included. Maybe I've never put too much thought into it?

I know I've received two written invites to friends' children's one-year birthday parties. My husband's name was not on the envelope, but he naturally participated in the gift-buying and attended the party. DH was just speaking with one of his friends about his friend's child turning one, and they're having a party for her this weekend. He invited DH, DH in turn told me about it, but we just assumed it was meant for the two of us

I guess maybe it depends on your circle of friends? We're all couples in our group. It would be REALLY STRANGE for any of us to show up to a gathering without our spouse.

Now, the discounting of your feelings isn't a good thing, but maybe it's just assumed by your hubby and his friends that you would naturally be attending the party, too, since your hubby is going?

 
Old 08-21-2008, 07:43 AM   #10
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Re: Am I overeacting?

I don't think ti's rude to be be honest I don't buy into this business that just because you are married you both need to be invited to everything. If these are only his freinds, why would they invite you? Maybe it's a no couples thing, maybe it's just old friends gathering, or maybe there is just limited space.

 
Old 08-21-2008, 09:53 AM   #11
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Re: Am I overeacting?

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
my first suspicion would be.......is it REALLY an engagement party (which would seem both genders would be welcome).......or is "engagement party" just a disguise for a BACHELOR party??
Maybe, but again if it is only a bachelor's party, why then send a formal (I presume it is formal) invitation by mail? A phone call or a verbal communication would suffice in this case.

 
Old 08-21-2008, 10:34 AM   #12
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Re: Am I overeacting?

No, you were not overeacting. You are right. Engaged or married or in a serious long relationship (friends usually know that) should be invited with their signficant other.

My question is.........is your husband going? If so he is going without you?

It was disrepectful and rude of his so called "friend" to invite him w/o you.

 
Old 08-21-2008, 01:50 PM   #13
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Re: Am I overeacting?

I don't think you are overreacting. It was rude of the friend not to invite you as well.
You say that your husband is disregarding your feelings as usual. That sounds like a problem right there. Is that a pattern in your marriage? Your husband should not attend the event without you.

 
Old 08-21-2008, 03:46 PM   #14
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Re: Am I overeacting?

I don't think you are overreacting one bit!

Like StenoLady, my husband and I pretty much "assume" we are a package deal and act accordingly. Even though we have our own friends and do our own things, when it comes to things like this (weddings, engagement parties, etc..) we do feel we go together.

I get the impression this is not how you and your husband are since he "disregards your feelings as usual". I think that is the bigger issue here.

It could be that his friend assumed you would be a package deal. It could be a coverup for something else (like a bachelor party as mentioned). It could also be that your husband has made it known that he doesn't want you to go with him. You need to put your foot down and tell him you are going together or he is not going. If he protests it's "sofa city" for him!

 
Old 08-21-2008, 04:23 PM   #15
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Re: Am I overeacting?

Yes I would of been offended, but I wouldn't of gone off on my husband. How is it his fault? That's kinda harsh IMO. I would of just made my husband call his friend and ask him why I wasn't on the invite, or was it a mistake. But that's just me.

And thinking about it being a bachelor party or something seems kinda.. not realistic. I doubt there would of been any invitation going out for that type of event, rather just a phone call or something.

But him disregarding your feelings as usual is probably why you're thinking you're not overreacting, since he always makes you feel this way. Which isn't good, but that's a whole other topic that you're more than welcome to discuss.

 
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