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Old 08-21-2008, 06:09 PM   #1
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Question about men/women help

Just interested really on what opinions people on the board have about men and womens way of dealing with issues. Unfortunately I have become a bit of a woman hater in some ways - yes I know not all women are the same and probably none are ones I wouldnt like on this board but I will give you an example of my thinking lately.

A few of the last relationships/dating situations I have had didn't work - there were many reasons for this - some of them were down to me and some were down to them. Maybe because I'm sensitive but each time I have been bothered about it.

However what I find difficult is the outlet for it. It always seems that most people i deal with always take the lady's side of the situation and I think that because being a man its difficult for us to talk to anyone. If you talk to a male friend they will be sympathetic to a certain extent but wont go to great lengths. When ever I've talked to a female friend, they are more sympethetic but after a while they begin to get annoyed and its pull yourself together.

But when it seems to be the lady, they seem to be able to talk with their close female friends and its "All men are b*stards" or they can talk to their male friends who will take on the manly stance of trying to protect the girl after her feelings are hurt.

Sorry just on a bit of a rant at the moment but I always seem to come off worse in relationships when they end and find it hard for people to see my side because men aren't supposed to be 'bothered' and it just seems easier to strike it off the list. Just go on google and type in woman hater and see how it stacks off again men hater.

Men - do you ever get this or understand what I mean?
Ladies - have you ever noticed this?

This isn't meant to be an attack on all women - it really isn't. Just incredibly frustrating.

 
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Old 08-21-2008, 07:07 PM   #2
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Re: Question about men/women help

I have always felt that men are disadvantaged in processing life because they don't have the same networks of support that women do. A good book to read on this aspect of things is "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus". Women can vent to each other and there is less of the advice, problem-fixing and so on that men do. I have told my husband that when I vent to him about a situation, I do not want him to offer solutions or advice, just to listen and sympathise. Many men are intolerant of this and will say, "stop complaining if you don't want me to fix it", or "I can't help you, so it is no good going on about it". That misses the point. You are experiencing some of this and, yes it is hard, but most people are terrible listeners, and you are unsatisfied because your real need is to be heard, and you are not feeling heard. Before you talk to somebody, ask yourself what you want out of the conversation. Sympathy, advice, just a pat, whatever? Be a good listener to others, there are terrific books about; it IS a learned response, not many people are naturally totally skilled, but the techniques described really work. Good luck, Sera

 
Old 08-22-2008, 04:32 AM   #3
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Re: Question about men/women help

Hi insideman,

Geeeee, I really sympathise with your predicament, . . . . . really I can.
I seems that both men and women can be incredibly fickle in the way we tread all over other peoples emotions and feelings.

I hope that some really lovely lady comes into your life, sees all your wonderful qualities and can't believe it took so long to find you. You sound like you're a great guy.

But alas. . . . . for most of my twenty's (a long long time ago) I heard people say to me, "you're such a great girl, I can't believe someone hasn't snapped you up."
It just seemed that whenver I really really liked someone, it just never quite worked out well. Go figure. . . . .
I do not quite know what advice to offer, other than hang in there, apparently modern dating in the 21st century is a bit of a numbers game, and is treated like a blood sport - "take no prisoners" - "winners are grinners" - and "the grass is always greener" etc. etc.

Toughen your emotions until you find a special someone you can truly trust and share your intimate feelings with them. Until that person walks into your life, try and treat dating like a sporting pastime, dip in and and dip out at your whim. And keep you lovely sensitive emotions for someone who will treasure this part of your person.

hope this has helped,
Besst wishes, Waratah

 
Old 08-22-2008, 04:40 AM   #4
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Re: Question about men/women help

Generally people/men and women take the side of the person they are talking to at the moment...not that they agree with you but mainly they just say nice things so not to hurt your feelings but if you talk it to death or can't seem to get over it then perhaps they do believe that she dumped you for a good reason and are just tired of hearing about it.

 
Old 08-22-2008, 05:08 AM   #5
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Re: Question about men/women help

I also find most to what you are saying to be true. Women tend to be more supportive of each other's issues, whereas men in most cases have to cope alone with their issues or to sweep them under the carpet. May be this has to do with patterns that were acquired and established in an ancestral past or with the idea that women are the "weak" gender, or with the fact that men, in many cultures, were polygamous. The focus of a man was then on being the provider; feelings were not to be thought of as a problem, but being effective and functional was. The focus of women was on being pleasurable, on generating good feelings for the man, so feelings were essential. I don't mean to sound (too) sexist, although I may be, but I am trying to find an explanation rather than fixing your "problem", a modern man's problem.

The fact is: men have become more feminine and women have become more masculine over time. Society has demanded it to be so. Because men are nowadays more in contact with feelings, which is a recent pattern for them, they still don't know how to cope with them.

Yet, I find that as supportive as women can be to one another as far as punctual feelings are concerned, they often complain that they can't rely on another women for real friendship, which is quite the opposite for men.

So, in a way, the balance gets restored.

Well, just a few hunches on this topic...

Last edited by pendulum; 08-22-2008 at 05:10 AM.

 
Old 08-22-2008, 07:27 AM   #6
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Re: Question about men/women help

insideman - I think it all depends on what happens between you and these women. You didn't really give us very much information to go by. I dont' really know at this point whether you're the kind of guy who falls in love a bit too fast, wants to do everything for a girl and she takes advantage of it and walks all over you, or if you're the kind of guy who ogles other women and makes comments about other women right in front of your girl, doesn't call when you say you will, arrives 2 hours late for a date and thinks she's supposed to be understanding about and can't understand why women are always getting mad at you. The advice I would give would depend on which kind of man you are. The fact that your woman friends seem to dry up pretty quickly in the sympathy department is making me think, though.

But generally speaking, yes, I thihk generally men are socialized and trained not to talk about their feelings with each other or to anyone else. It's hard to relate to as well, because most men go out, get drunk, have a one-night stand and boom, they're over it. I've just always assumed that men just don't love as deeply or feel as deeply as women do because of this. But there are obvious exceptions to the rule. When my boyfriend lied to me and got mean and distant in order to drive me away because he didn't have the guts to leave me, andhe broke my heart, I got very little sympathy from my one girlfriend. His friends had messed her and her little sister over pretty good so I guess she just thought it was my turn. The day after the break up, she actually said "oh, get over it." My brother on the other hand, was left by his girlfriend last year and has been devastated, and he has a big network of male and female friends working very hard trying to help him get over it. One even took him on a vacation to Florida to help get his mind off it. It just depends on who your friends are, how good a friend they are.

But after a break up, I think everyone has lessons to learn. Rather than spending all your time blaming the other party and feeling hurt, it's a great opportunity to use that time and energy to examine the part you played in either choosing the wrong person to begin with, or making it go off into the ditch.

 
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