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Old 08-22-2008, 09:37 PM   #1
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Help with new relationship?

Say you're dating a new guy that you just met. And although he's not the best looking guy you've ever dated, that's not your focus. Instead your focus is to have found a guy who treats you right, with respect, with love and who has an awesome personality and great sense of humor.

And then say your parents meet the guy for the first time. But your dad tells you he looks like a gnome and you should just stay friends. Your dad knows full well your history of being treated like crap in your former relationships and perhaps doesn't know how great the new guy is, but he's going purely off the guy's appearance.

You're old enough to make your own decisions (mid-30s), but your dad's comment really hurt your feelings. What do you say to your dad to make him understand that you're sick and tired of being treated crappy, you've found a guy who treats you like a queen, and that's the part that's important to you? I guess he just has to get to know him, but it really hurt me what he said. "You should just keep him as a friend," he said. What the heck is that?? Aren't parents the ones who are supposed to encourage their kids to get together and marry for love and respect and not just for looks?

 
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Old 08-22-2008, 11:06 PM   #2
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Re: Help with new relationship?

[QUOTE=Bracelet;3700410]
understand that you're sick and tired of being treated crappy, you've found a guy who treats you like a queen, and that's the part that's important to you?

hey there bracelet ,you should say what your question above poses....your dad is not the one that is going to grow old with the guy, but YOU might....i understand that your dad is looking out for you, but i am sure he wants to see YOU happy above all. anyways if you can get over that he isn't a model, but has a great personality, then go for it! plus i have to refer to the cliche saying "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". when i was over seas i saw a lot of posters with people on them with two words....one word was possessed? and the other saved?.... then there would be another poster with a blizzard of something of that nautre and it would say snowstorm? or fun weekend?
get it? the point is people see different things. my advice...go for what you want!

 
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Old 08-23-2008, 12:08 AM   #3
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Re: Help with new relationship?

Bracelet, I am sorry your dad feels that way and expresses it to you. Looks is in the eye of the beholder. It is so much more important how he treats you than that he is physically attractive. Another thing is that your perception of a person's physical appearance changes depending on how they treat you. I was once friends with a guy who was the most attractive man I had ever met (he was gay so it was only a friendship). He was a terrible friend. After about 2 years I looked at him and didn't at all see him as attractive any more. All I saw was a vain, self absorbed human being.
My point is that if your dad gets to know your boyfriend, his perception of your boyfriend not being good looking may change. Good luck to you and hold on to your boyfriend. How he treats you is extremely important and that is what is going to determine to a large degree how happy you'll be with him.

 
Old 08-23-2008, 01:08 AM   #4
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Re: Help with new relationship?

Whatever. Your Dad sounds like mine. I'm in love with probably one of the least attractive guys I've ever dated...I know this cause at first I was not attracted to him at all. I now think hes so attractive cause of his personality and I literally can't keep my hands off of him. I've dated "hot" guys and as soon as they open their mouth they become unattractive. Do what makes you happy. Date who treats you right. And who cares what the parents think.

 
Old 08-23-2008, 03:42 AM   #5
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Re: Help with new relationship?

Has your dad ever met a gnome? LOL Certainly he has seen pictures of gnomes in a book or in a movie.

Did you ask your father for his opinion, or did he give it spontaneously, out of the blue?

If the former is the case, then you were asking for it. He was simply expressing his opinion and of course he is entirely entitled to it. You have got to accept it or swallow it. He may have gone a bit too far by telling you to keep the guy just as a friend, unless you also asked him the question. I don't think you have, though.

If the latter is the case, then maybe your father is the kind of person who holds nothing back, who has a flippant tongue. Probably this should not be too much of a surprise for you, because you have certainly known your father for a long time and you are aware of what he is capable of doing. You would have a reason to be embarrassed and very angry indeed if your father had said something in the presence of this guy or if he somehow had mistreated the guy just because of his looks.

I am not taking your father's side, but I would listen to him again. I know he hurt you with his words. Actually, he might have expressed his opinion, whether you had asked for it or not, in a more sensible way. He could have avoided the gnome-association, because this is hard to forget. But a father often thinks he can say anything he likes to their children, and in particular your father may be the sort of person who doesn't know how to choose his own words. Take it with a pinch of salt.

While I don't think that looks are the most important item in a relationship, I can't deny that they do play a part here and there. A (romantic) relationship won't probably last if you are only attracted to him or her because they are great persons and treat you humanely. Where is the spark? It doesn't need to be love at first sight, but there must be at least some physical magnetism, if you see what I mean. Often the "problem" is not really about one's looks, but about inappropriate clothing, hygiene, behaviour, vocabulary, posture, etc. A person is not obliged to be beautiful or handsome, but he should always present himself or herself as neat and as tidy as possible, out of respect for the others. In other words, to stay well groomed and to maintain your appearance is a key point in your personality. Sometimes it is a question of physical incompatibility between the couple, and neither of them is able or willing to see it. One is too short, too tall, too fat, too thin, too strong, too infirm, too pretty or too ugly relative to the other, and such a big difference can create problems in everyday life. Was your father referring to some of the things above: slovenly ways for the guy or a serious physical discrepancy for both of you - but he used the wrong words?

I have no idea why your father compared this man to a gnome. I don't want to think that your father was simply telling a pointless joke, but well, who knows? Anyway, if I were you, I would ask him to elaborate on his opinion and his advice. You don't have to follow it at all, but it would help you to know. Since he is your father, I don't think he means to harm you. He may be clumsy with words and feelings, but perhaps he is just reminding you of the challenges you will have to face if you stay with this guy. If he were a very handsome guy, you would have a different pack of challenges, you know. What did your father really detect in this guy? It may be just a point of view, but you'd be better to listen and then dismiss it (I hope you will) rather than to have to say later: I should have known better.

Last edited by pendulum; 08-23-2008 at 03:46 AM.

 
Old 08-23-2008, 04:20 AM   #6
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Re: Help with new relationship?

Oh, I've been there before. Not only is it hurtful, but you then become numb to it because you don't care what anyone thinks anymore, and then it becomes annoying as heck! I heard how unattractive my boyfriend is from my mother every day for MONTHS, until I finally just flat out told her I didn't appreciate hearing how I could find a better looking guy, and that he makes me happy and that should be all that matters, etc. She finally stopped putting my boyfriend down and accepted he and I dating after she got my point.

Parents want their children to have the very best in someone, which may include looks. Just tell your dad exactly what you said: "you're sick and tired of being treated crappy, you've found a guy who treats you like a queen, and that's the part that's important to you."

And good for you for not being shallow, as your dad is being.

 
Old 08-23-2008, 05:42 AM   #7
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Re: Help with new relationship?

Yes, I agree. I think your dad just threw out this comment without even thinking about how it would make you feel and doesn't realize how hurt you were by it. But parents want it all for their kids. Your dad just wants what he thinks is the very best for you, and that means a man who treats you like a queen AND is good looking, the "whole package" so you can be the envy of all young women everywhere. Unfortunately, our society still places a lot of value on looks, and how good a life partner a person would make is still tied up in how pretty or handsome they are. People lay their superficial trips on others and say "ugh, you're gonna sick of waking up with THAT on the next pillow pretty quick!!" He just doesn't realize. Just tell him how you feel about this new guy. If his less that stellar looks don't really bother you at all, then it shouldn't bother your dad or anyone else who loves you, either.

 
Old 08-23-2008, 05:51 AM   #8
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Re: Help with new relationship?

IMHO looks are about at the bottom of the list of important details in a relationship. You should tell your dad exactly what you said to us!

I have a beautiful niece that's married for 15 years to a very mediocre looking man and they are so very happy...then I have another equally as beautiful niece that's married to a very handsome man and she's miserable because he treats her like he's the king of the world and she's his servant.
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Old 08-23-2008, 10:33 AM   #9
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Re: Help with new relationship?

Thing is, the last guy I dated was probably the best looking of all of them. But he also broke my heart the hardest. This new guy....we click on so many levels. That, to me, is what's attractive. He's got a really cute smile and he has very pretty hazel eyes. And when he looks at me, he has this really appreciative look on his face like, Wow, I'm so lucky. Do you know that look? I haven't seen that look in.... forever. So it's like, I'm just enjoying getting to know him, more about him and his life, and I can see us having a really wonderful future together. That's why it hurt so much that my dad had such a weird reaction.

I think he just needs to get to know him. And hopefully it will work out.

 
Old 08-23-2008, 11:52 PM   #10
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Re: Help with new relationship?

do we need to reference Charlotte and Harry from sex and the city?

if he makes you happy..thats all that matters!

 
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