I have been with my boyfriend for going on two years. It is by far my longest relationship. A little background information: I used to be what I can best describe as a "serial dater" - I would date a man for a few months and the minute things started to get boring or he didn't live up to my almost unattainable standards, I cut and run. There was no such thing as working through a problem. When the going got tough, I just left the relationship and moved onto the next person. Until...
I met my current boyfriend. At first, I didn't even think I liked him. I thought he was quiet and boring the first two or three times we talked on the phone and our first date was full of awkward silences. Something told me not to give up on him though and sure enough, our next date was AMAZING. After some time dating, I knew he was different than all the others. He absolutely adored me and I adored him. We fell in love with each other.
Here's my problem: I've never been with someone long enough for the inital "adrenaline rush" to wear off and I don't know what to do with it. I enjoy being with my boyfriend very much. He is my best friend. He knows things about me that no other person on this planet knows, but it's different than it was when we got together.
He talks about me to everyone he works with, all his friends, his family, literally everyone. They all tell me that he does and how crazy he is about me. He tells me I'm beautiful all the time, just like he did when we first met. He does nice things for me and takes me nice places. He is kind and caring. He is always kissing me or putting his arm around me or doing something to show his affection for me. He has adorable nicknames for me that have come out of years together and I love every bit of it, but I STILL feel like the new has worn off on his end and that it is different for him.
I feel like there is a routine that we have that rarely changes. We talk on the phone, we spend time together in person, occassionally we will go places with friends or go somewhere special, but it just feels routine. We have never had sex, but we do occasionally "mess around," for lack of better terminology. And even that feels boring and routine. The kisses are the some. The touches are the same. The way he holds me is the same.
It's like I know what he is going to do before he does it and vice versa. I know what he is going to say before he says it and most of the time I know what he is thinking without him even telling me. Most people would die for that type of communication and to know and understand that much about their boyfriend, so I don't know what is wrong with me!
It's really frustrating me to no end. What can I do? Is this normal? Is this telling me that it is time to break up or is this just something new I've never experienced because I only date most men for such a short period of time? Any advice or insight would be so greatly appreciated. PLEASE HELP! I love my boyfriend and want to be with him for a long time. I'm committed to fixing this on my end, but don't know where to start.
Well, before you throw this fish back in the sea, try something new to shake things up a bit. Talk about something you've never talked about before, or get a little more in depth if you haven't already, like family, dreams, who's your pick in the presidential election, etc. Go through the weekend newspaper and try to find something interesting and a little different to go to, a gallery opening, a wine tasting, a play or musical. Football season will be starting soon, maybe you can check out a game or two at your local university. Just something new to shake things up a bit. See if that makes any kind of different.
The "honeymoon" phase always wears off, so don't expect that to last forever. It's natural to settle into a bit of a comfortable routine. Once the butterflies and passion cool a bit, you're hopefully left with security with someone you consider a best friend. Also, I don't think it would hurt to ask him how he feels about where the relationship is going, and if he has any ideas of fun, new, interesting things to do.
Thanks so much! That makes me feel a little better to know that the "honeymoon" does wear off and that it is somewhat normal to be left with these feelings at one point or another in a relationship. I have no intentions of throwing in the towel with him. I love him and we have talked about getting engaged in the not too distant future, but this just really threw me for a loop since I had never experienced it before.
This probably sounds totally lame, but he and I just made plans to go bowling and to play mini golf tomorrow, which is something we haven't done in a long time. Neither one of us have a whole lot of money to blow right now. He is starting a new job, has gas, food, rent, etc. to pay for and is currently trying to pay off the remainder of his college loans since graduating last May. I am still in college and am working a less than wonderful job to pay for classes. Does anyone have any suggestions for ideas, things to do that don't cost a lot of money or anything I can do to make it more exciting?
There seems to be two themes here, one is concern that he's bored and the other is that you are. You have a good thing going here - don't screw it up! <grin> Seriously, it's normal to have fears of loss (he's getting bored) and it's normal to get tired of routine.
I think Larrylou is right. Find new ways to discover each other. Maybe push the boundries a bit and do things neither of you normally do. When I wanted to kick start my relationship with someone, we traded monthly mystery dates.
We took a cooking lesson, went on a hike <bleck>, climbed the SFU wall, ate dim sum in chinatown, went fishing, made him do a 'spa' day <hehehe>. It was a lot of fun. There's always something to discover about your partner.
Just ask the wife of any serial killer! <grin>
OK, I know I have really bad humor. <pout>
Aside from 'doing things', what about your level of physical intimacy? Are you ready to challenge that a bit? I'm not suggesting that you change your values, I think you're a very smart cookie. Still, you can limit what you do and still be creative about it, you know? Look at your sex life and figure out what you can do to stretch it within your limititations. If you need some ideas, I'm here to help. <evil grin>
Mother Nature gives us this "rush" of feverishly being in love to keep two people together while a deeper bond forms (usually 6 months to 1 year). This is where you are; you have never gone into that deeper place before. It is a bit scary and you feel afraid that you have fallen out of love, but that deeper "best friend and partner" feeling is one you can strengthen by your own efforts and commitment, and will be the part that lasts. I don't care what Hollywood and romance novels say, I think that it is physically and mentally impossible to keep a relationship at that giddy level for ever. Sooner or later there is a settling-into-each-other's-lives stage. This is often when incompatibilty issues come into view, but you don't seem to have encountered any of these. So, enjoy! Sera
I think that you have something really good going on, so don't throw it away. The initial phase wares off in normal life and what is left, hopefully, is exactly what you are describing. Be inventive, do different things together. There are things that don't cost anything, like going to the beach, hiking, talking about topics you have not discussed so far. Maybe doing some new sport together. Don't expect him to come up with new topics or ideas or hold you in a certain way, you can take initiative to new things.
Thanks to everyone for the replies. Our relationship is really wonderful and my boyfriend is an amazing man. I don't want to do anything to mess it up. I just want to enjoy the moment and thanks to all the replies reassuring me that is is perfectly normal to feel the way I have been feeling, I will be able to enjoy the ride that much more.
He and I went bowling and to play mini golf yesterday and had a WONDERFUL time just being together. It was like I fell in love with him all over again and that giddy, crazy feeling I had when he and I first started dating came rushing back - even if it was just for a little while. I love him so much.
"Aside from 'doing things', what about your level of physical intimacy? Are you ready to challenge that a bit? I'm not suggesting that you change your values, I think you're a very smart cookie. Still, you can limit what you do and still be creative about it, you know? Look at your sex life and figure out what you can do to stretch it within your limititations. If you need some ideas, I'm here to help."
My boyfriend and I have never had intercourse (saving that part for marriage), but we do other things. We are both incredibly attracted to each other and love to be intimate as an expression of how much we love each other, but doing the same old things over and over can get boring. What ideas do you have in mind? I'm open to anything you can throw my way