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Old 08-24-2008, 04:10 AM   #1
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What to do? Fragile heart on the edge...again!

Hi,

I'm new here and could really do with some impartial advice regarding my relationship!
I have a habit of finding myself in difficult situations where I usually end up getting hurt and would like to avoid that situation again!

I have recently become involved with an amazing man (something I didn't think I would ever do again!) who treats me like a queen and makes me feel those tingly feelings in my stomach the minute he walks in the room. Finally!
But, we are both living overseas from our home countries (we met here where we are both working) and he told me last night on the phone that unless he finds a new job, he will be leaving in November. He did not mention what would happen to us and when I asked him about it, he told me its my decision.
The thing is, the way I see it, I have 2 choices - either I end things now (but would still have to see him each weekend - I work in sports where he plays!) and try to protect myself before I fall for him any further, but am miserable, OR I stay with him, having a fantastic time until the time comes when he decides to leave and then try to pick up the pieces afterwards. From conversations we had near the start of the relationship, neither of us really believe in long-distance relationships working and both of our jobs/careers involve travel.
I know that I am falling for him, but am too scared to let him know exactly how I feel in case that scares him off too -we have only really been together for a couple of months and I am not normally the kind of person to let myself fall so quickly and so hard, but he is like no-one else I have ever met and can't picture not having him around.
Any advice would be appreciated....thank you in advance!!!

 
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Old 08-24-2008, 07:46 AM   #2
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Re: What to do? Fragile heart on the edge...again!

Hi

I've got a few questions:

Why does he need a new job? Does he think he is not earning enough? Or is he getting near the end of his contract and can't have it renewed?

When he said "it is your decision", could you have read between the lines a third option: << you come with him wherever he goes, maybe not immediately, but after some time, when he finds a new job and a place to stay >>?

If this third option is definitively out of the picture, I would, if I were in your shoes, choose to be with him until he leaves. For a few reasons, namely: 1. to enjoy the present (the future is always unknown); 2. to see what happens (things may change, he may find a new job here); 3. to get to know him still better and probably find that he is not marvellous, but still lovable.

You are already involved with him; in my opinion, staying with him longer won't make you fall for noticeably further for him (maybe just the opposite when you begin to have a more realistic picture of him).

If you break up with him now or if you break up when he leaves (if he leaves), the labour of "picking up the pieces" will be practically the same. So, why should you miss out on this opportunity?

So, I am voting for "staying with him".

I have one more advice/suggestion, but let me see your response first.

Last edited by pendulum; 08-24-2008 at 07:48 AM.

 
Old 08-24-2008, 10:02 AM   #3
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Re: What to do? Fragile heart on the edge...again!

Well, it sounds like he implied a third option that you didn't mention - go with him when he goes home in November. Is that something you would consider? Ask him if that's what he meant and how he would feel about that. Don't assume and don't guess about something like this. talk it out!!

 
Old 08-25-2008, 12:40 AM   #4
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Re: What to do? Fragile heart on the edge...again!

Firstly, thank you very much for the replies!

To answer your questions, he is not enjoying his job at all at the moment and wants to/needs to find something more interesting and enjoyable. He is not working to his full potential and needs to find something that will engage him.

I talked with him again this morning about this situation and explained that I am falling for him and also told him that if I am going to get hurt either way then I would rather have him for the short time we are in the same country than not have him.
He had to go to work, so I asked him to think about what he wants and to let me know. At the moment, when I ask what he wants, his response is always that he wants to protect me and not hurt me. I asked him to let me worry about me and to just tell me what he wants. He has told me that for the first time he feels that being truly himself is okay because of me and that his feelings are very strong as well, but I don't think that me going back to his home country is really an option - my work is not compatible with that particular place so I would find things very difficult (and I'm not the kind of woman who wants/needs her man to support her financially!).
He is so up in the air - he has potential jobs that he is interested in, but they would also mean working overseas for 3 months then 1 month off - but he would end up going to his home country on those off months (more than likely) to see his family. I don't seem to fit into the equation at the moment.
I just feel a bit lost because he has made me so happy and the thought of not having him around simply because of work seems ridiculous! There will always be an element of 'what if' if/when he leaves.
I wish I could see into his head and see which way the cogs are turning!
I feel a bit sick now, waiting for his response. I will keep you posted.
Thank you again for your support!

 
Old 08-26-2008, 10:52 AM   #5
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Unhappy Re: What to do? Fragile heart on the edge...again!

so, heres the update.
Since I spoke to him, things have been really strained. I can feel myself holding back so that i don't get hurt by his decision when we speak, but he seems to have forgotten that there is a decision to make.
But, usually he calls me about 4 times a day and sends me text messages throughout the day, but today there were no messages, and a call in the afternoon that lasted a couple of minutes. he called again just now, but seemed really moody and was snappy with me. I made a conscious decision to try and be normal me, and have a fun conversation, but he just didn't seem to have anything to say to me, I said to him i would leave him to it as he didn't seem interested in talking to me. he said he was winding down from work (which finished for him about 6 hours ago) and would call tomorrow. and normally he comes down to see me each weekend (we live 3 hours apart and i work his weekends but he can hang out at my work and then we have the evenings together), but he has said that this weekend he wouldn't be coming. Normally he tells me that he misses me, but he hasn't lately and I am gutted that he won't be here this weekend as I really feel like i need to see him and talk to him face to face.
i guess that the answers are glaringly obvious from what i've written...he is losing interest and doesn't want to be with me....right? please help me!
I feel so awful and can't concentrate or focus on anything else, but just don't think that talking to him on the phone will be enough...i need to see his face.
any ideas/suggestions on what i can do or say to him? please?

Last edited by smudge28; 08-26-2008 at 10:52 AM.

 
Old 08-26-2008, 12:06 PM   #6
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Re: What to do? Fragile heart on the edge...again!

I know someone whose son is in the service and who is seeing a girl who lives a good piece away. My friend told her son "please don't run off and get married real quick' and he said "don't worry, I know she's not the one, I'm just 'having fun.'" I personally hate that phrase "having fun." It's just the 21st century euphamism for using someone and treating them like a blow up doll or a prostitute that you pay in dinners, movies, fake smiles and pretty lies instead of cash. It's my opinion after being on these boards for a few years, that there's just a lot of that going around.

My guess would be that since it seems this guy has known for a while that he is planning to move to another country, and since he is avoiding talking to you and isn't making future plans and is putting emotional as well as physical distance between you, it would seem he was just "having fun" until it's time to go back home. It would have been nice if he had let you know up front. Too many people these days assume too much.

But if I were you, I wouldn't wait around for him to come to you and decide what he wants to do. He's not the only one who can make a decision, you know. Do you want to waste anymore time on a guy who hasn't been totally honest with you? Who can't meet you halfway between your two residences just to talk? Who seems to be ok with disappointing you, with not spending time with you, with leaving you behind and not even discussing it with you first? Is this what YOU want in a man? Sounds like crumbs to me. There's a whole pie out there somewhere, and you're missing out on it sitting home waiting for more of his crumbs. You do have the power to not spend one more minute getting jerked around by this guy and get on with your life.

 
Old 08-26-2008, 12:27 PM   #7
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Re: What to do? Fragile heart on the edge...again!

LLM, he didn't tell her up front because then she wouldn't have gone along with it, and he would have had to look elsewhere for his "fun". So many men are lazy! The don't want to have to go out looking for sex, so when they are getting it they don't want to have to start looking again.

It would be so nice if people would just be upfront! I've told my guy that it makes things so much easier when he's honest and upfront with me, so I can make my own decisions on how to proceed. But they don't want to deal with messy emotions or, God forbid, tears, so they just cut and run.

Smudge, you are right...you are getting the message sent to you loud and clear, even if it's not in words. He's extricating himself with as little hassle as possible. He's still calling you so he won't view himself as a using jerk, but still...he wants out and just won't say so.

Reclaim your personal dignity. I'd let him know that since he's leaving, and doesn't seem to want to deal with the situation, that you have decided not to see him anymore.

 
Old 08-26-2008, 01:19 PM   #8
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Re: What to do? Fragile heart on the edge...again!

I've been thinking about this case again. In a relationship, it is usual for a man to propose and for a woman to decide. I find it strange that he hasn't as yet proposed anything to you. "It is up to you" - he says. He seems vague about the future. Anyway, it is not for you to be desperate. You are not engaged to him; honestly, he is even somewhat of a stranger for you (what about his past in his native country?); and lastly - don't take it amiss that I put it in these terms - he is not the last man on earth. Be cool and calm. I think it would be a good idea to talk to him face-to-face rather than on the phone. It's difficult to tell you what to say to him - he seems evasive - but perhaps you could ask him "what do you want from me?" and then proceed to tell him what you want from him. See how much your needs and desires have in common and go from there.

 
Old 08-27-2008, 05:06 AM   #9
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Unhappy Re: What to do? Fragile heart on the edge...again!

Thank you for your posts everyone.

It's hard hearing what you don't want to hear and even harder accepting it and moving on.

This morning we ended things. I told him that I needed an answer one way or another and we talked about things. He told me that if this was just a 'booty call' (his words, not mine!)thing then this wouldn't even be an issue but it wasn't a 'booty call', it was a real relationship. That was why this was so difficult. He said it was for my own good, that its better this way. I told him I wasn't going to beg but that it seemed stupid to throw away something so good that could continue to develop when neither of us really know what will happen next in our careers/life paths. He said that he still wanted to be my friend, but I told him that I had too much invested to just be able to switch off my feelings and 'just be friends'. He said he had feelings invested too, but still decided to end it. He then told me he would call me later but I asked him not to.

I feel so low, so naive and so incredibly hurt. I really saw potential here and he seemed to as well, but as you have explained, some guys are only out for one thing and are very adept at hiding their real motives and feelings.


I really do appreciate the advice and suggestions everyone gave and just wish there could have been a happier ending to all of this!

 
Old 08-27-2008, 07:57 AM   #10
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Re: What to do? Fragile heart on the edge...again!

At least you got an answer. So many women on here have guys that simply cut and run, with no explanation!

It sounds like your guy wants to start fresh, with no ties. And while it hurts, at least he was honest. You do have to give him that.

You'll be fine. You seem very intelligient and well spoken, so meeting new people should be no problem for you.

 
Old 08-27-2008, 09:56 AM   #11
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Re: What to do? Fragile heart on the edge...again!

Quote:
Originally Posted by smudge28 View Post
...


I really do appreciate the advice and suggestions everyone gave and just wish there could have been a happier ending to all of this!
You have done the right thing.

It was not "a happy end", but at least it was an end (a release!), and of course it could have been worse.

On some level I think he really kept hiding something from you. I can't say what (or who), but there's something unexplained (unsaid) or mysterious about him and his attitude and his "lame" excuse ("it is for your own good").

Let it be. Go on with your life as best as you can, even if you feel broken inside.

Last edited by pendulum; 08-27-2008 at 09:57 AM.

 
Old 09-01-2008, 03:37 AM   #12
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Talking Happy Endings

Well....things have changed....call me a glutton for punishment if you like, but there has been a turnaround!
I did really well, not calling or contacting him and carrying on with my life as normally as I could. I had a nasty experience coming home from work on friday, where I was attacked in a taxi, but I managed to get out unhurt but a bit shaken up. I came back into work on saturday and explained what had happened to my boss. My workplace is like a small community and pretty soon, all of the regulars knew what had happened and were asking me if I was ok. Unbeknownst to be, that evening, one of the regular guests contacted my ex-man and told him what had happened to me and also told him that he was a fool to have let me go. The next morning I received a phone call from said ex-man, very worried and concerned and telling me that he had been given a swift sharp wake-up call by the events that had occurred and telling me that he was indeed an idiot for letting me go. He explained that he had been horribly miserable without me and that the real reason behind us splitting up was that he was scared of committing to someone in case he got hurt (he had been through a very bad experience in the past) and in case he ended up hurting me. He really thought that what he was doing was for the best. He also realised that there are always options for discussion and that just because we may be in different countries for a while, we can still make a go of it - if we don't try we will always wonder...so why not try? It would be foolish to let something that has been so good go to waste. Who knows what will happen... We will enjoy the time that we have together, taking it day by day, and work out what the future holds once we get there. I do plan to tread carefully and keep myself protected but also plan to make the most of this!
I would really like to say thank you all for your advice and comments, I really appreciated having somewhere that I could get some impartial advice from people with more insight and experience than myself. Thank you for your support and I keep my fingers crossed that things will work out for everyone.
Thanks!

 
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