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Old 08-24-2008, 11:31 AM   #1
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Confused and need advice...

Hey guys, it's me again.

I don't know if any of you read the last thread about my boyfriend and ex. . . how my ex and I still talk and he used to try to get me to have sex with him, but we would just end up kissing... anyway, that's over. I haven't cheated on my boyfriend since that time, and I made it very clear that I didn't want anything to do with my ex anymore... anyway, this i a new problem.

My ex isn't involved in this one. . . Lately I've been having second thoughts about my boyfriend. We've broken up so many times about the same thing, and lately I've been wondering if he and I should even be together, but I don't want to brake up with him unless I'm sure.

It has always bugged me that he never has any money, and I always have to pay for everything. He and I also live far from eachother, and he never comes to see me, I have to go see him, and when he says he'll come see me, I have to pay for his gas. So no matter what it seems like I always end up paying for everything. -And he says that because he lives on his own, I should help him out with stuff, but I don't think I should, I wasn't the one who told him to move out of his parents house. Im just really confused because I feel like Im getting taken advantage of. I've talked to him about this at least twice before and he just ends up twisting everything and making me feel bad about bringing it up. So I don't now what to do. I do love him, and we don't argue that much, because I never bring up the subject, but when I do we end up arguing about it

To make matters worse, his mom pays for everything for him. He's 22 and his mom still pays for his cell phone bill and she paid for 2 months of rent, cause he could'nt afford it. Which makes me wonder what he spends his money on. He said all his money goes to rent and bills. but He pays a little bit of rent, and I've seen he's bills, he's incharge of paying for one bill that's like $50. - Oh, one more bad thing is he just confessed that he smoks weed. Which could be what he spends his money on, but I've made calculations and he has at least $300-$200 left after rent, bills, ect....

What would you do in a case like this?? Im totally confused!

 
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Old 08-24-2008, 11:40 AM   #2
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Re: Confused and need advice...

Valleygirl,

I am afraid this is going down to the valley (sorry for the pun), I mean, going downhill.

This young man has not the minimal tools to date someone else: it is not only the lack of money (or the misuse thereof), but also no shame.

Either you wait for him to grow up (if he ever will, if his mother allows him to...) or you move on.

Sorry, that is the only advice I can give you.

 
Old 08-24-2008, 11:59 AM   #3
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Re: Confused and need advice...

Thank you for responding so quickly! Im really kinda feeling sick about this whole situation. I know the answer is to brake up with him for good. but I do love him, and Im still sort of torn.

 
Old 08-24-2008, 01:11 PM   #4
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Re: Confused and need advice...

I'm afraid P is right, V. Brutally honest assessment? You aren't really playing in your own league and he's just not that into you.

You: You're slumming sweetheart. Hanging with the dregs might make you feel very competent and together but it's not really pushing you to grow. Actually, it's the reverse. Dealing with him requires you to lower yourself and your expectations. There is nothing wrong with being caring, however this boy is clearly being 'cared for' enough - mostly by himself and his mother. <eye roll> You can do better. Seek your equal, not some dumb puppy that chews your shoes and pisses all over your carpets! <grin>

Him: Apparently has the motivation of gravel. However, never forget that people are incentive driven - they pursue what they want. I bet you $20 that he's got the time, the gas and the cash to buy pot, you know what I'm saying? If he isn't making any effort then it just isn't that important to him.
That doesn't = you suck, OK? He sounds pretty selfish and lazy, so few things are probably of genuine importance to him. It's probably something like pot, cable, beer, pizza....

The bottom line is this is a major time waste for you, not to mention potentially damaging to your self esteem. Think about it - if someone constantly belittles or attacks your beliefs, expectations and/or values, you begin to shrink from them, thinking perhaps you are wrong, perhaps you don't deserve those things, perhaps they aren't important. It can erode your faith in both your judgement and your 'gut'.

Stop aiming down and start aiming up, my friend!

 
Old 08-25-2008, 10:47 AM   #5
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Re: Confused and need advice...

Wow Thank you sooo Much rpett! That was some good advise, and you're right. This guy I used to know would tell me that in relationships, you either grow with the person or they bring you down. He said it sounded like my boyfriend and I were just staying the same, because I wasn't letting him bring me down, but yet he wasn't motivating enough to grow with me. He also told me I should be single and be my own person for a while, but that's just it, I feel like since my boyfriend and I have been together for sooo long that I don't even know how to be single...

My mom said that if I wasn't going to brake up with him then I should make it hard on him, like whenever he says he doesn't have money to come see me, I should say that I don't have any money either, and make him work for the relationship, because she says that Im making it so easy for him.

Is that something I should do? I know I should just brake up with him, but I want to know that I tried everything to fix our relationship, so that whenever I look back I don't have any regrets, and I'll know at least I tried???.....

 
Old 08-25-2008, 11:02 AM   #6
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Re: Confused and need advice...

Relationships are all about compromise and clearly he is not compromising at all. If you do love him, and are sure of that, then you could try making it harder for him. Let him pay the money to come see you and even take you out to dinner. I was in a similar situation last year. This guy would always tell me how much I mean to him, blah blah blah. I would always pay for him/spot him money. It got old FAST. I work hard and make my own money and it's not like I have a lot of it either so in the end I broke it off. Of course I still have feelings for him and probobly will for awhile but I realized I deserve someone better then that. And so do you! And for the brutal truth...if he REALLY cared about you- he would never ask you to pay all this money for him. he sounds like he is just plain selfish. He would stop buying weed, get a job, grow up and be the 22 yr old that he is.

 
Old 08-25-2008, 11:22 AM   #7
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Re: Confused and need advice...

You've gotten some great advice already. I don't have much to say, but I sure can relate.

I like your mom's suggestion, especially since you seem to really be into this guy, it would give him the chance to step up and show that he's not...well, what he seems to be.

I can relate because I dated a guy who was very similar to this, and I'm now married to him. I have tried changing him, threatening to leave him, have given him time and chances and all that. But the truth is that I can't change him; I have to either accept him the way he is, or if I can't, then I have to leave. I hope your guy comes around and steps up to his responsibilities, but you should be prepared to witness the exact opposite.

Quote:
Originally Posted by valleygirl2005 View Post
He also told me I should be single and be my own person for a while, but that's just it, I feel like since my boyfriend and I have been together for sooo long that I don't even know how to be single...
Maybe not at the moment, but I think you'd figure it out pretty quick!

Good luck.

 
Old 08-25-2008, 11:41 AM   #8
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Re: Confused and need advice...

Aww! Thank you soooo much! <3 You don't even know how good it feels to get good advise!!!

Well, Jane 517 thank you for your respose... He has a job now... he actually has two jobs, I know he loves me as well, (We've been together 4 years, on and off) and I too agree that he needs to step up and be the 22 year old that he is! And I too have said what a selfish guy he is...

the thing is that I feel scared to go out into the dating world again with all the dogs and creeps there are out there... Ya know? I feel like if I get out of this problem, I'll get into a worse one with someone who cheats... So that's why I like my momas advise, because that way I get to test him as well as still be with him! <3

Ohpandora, thank you for responding, I actually read your post about your husband and it sounded similar to my situation, and I was hoping you'd give me some advise I know you said I either have to except him for who he is, or leave, but I don't want to change him, I would just like him to bend a little... I don't think he "gets" that in a relationship he needs to be somewhat selfless, because it's not just him anymore, it me&him.

I wish there was some way for him to realize that he needs to bend a little for me, because I do the same for him...

 
Old 08-25-2008, 01:51 PM   #9
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Re: Confused and need advice...

Tell me something V which is greater, your fear of being alone or your fear of being without him?

 
Old 08-25-2008, 03:04 PM   #10
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Re: Confused and need advice...

Just because you're afraid of being single doesn't mean you should stay with this loser sponge. He's sucking you dry and you're letting him. You have him very high on your priority list, and you're something like #5 on his, after the pot and entertainment and gas for his car, etc. He doesn't even love you, so I'm not sure why you'd stay with someone like that. Doesn't matter if you love him since he definitely doesn't love you back. No sense in staying in a relationship like that. You're better off on your own. At least you wouldn't be compromising your principles like you are now. You're wasting your time with a loser who smokes pot, has no job, sponges off mommy, has no future, and isn't likely to change. How exactly is this guy so great that you can't break up with him? He honestly sounds like a complete tool.

 
Old 09-08-2008, 07:31 PM   #11
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Re: Confused and need advice...

Hey All!

rpett: I think my biggest fear is being without him, not just being single. I love him sooo much, that I feel like I couldn't love anyone more, or that it wouldn't be the same type of conection that I have with him. Sure, he's a total bum, but he does treat me with respect, trust me I've dated other guys, and they are all jerks! It just bugs me that he's so broke, and I get stuck with the bill...

Like the other day we went to a juice place and he just went infront of me and ordered, and only paid for his juice... I'm like come on man, I freakin buy you crap all the time and he can't even buy me a $4 drink???

Anyway...

Tivo123- He does love me, he's very passionate (when we're not spending money... lol) But you're right, I too think he's a loser, but yet i love him... I don't know If I could ever bring myself to brake up with him. It may be hard for some to understand, but it's even harder being in the bind that I'm in; I totally love him, but I can't help but feel taken advantege of... ya know?

Like my friend told me the other day, "do you ever think how much money you'd have if you weren't with him?" and I said "yeah, I do, but I'm not selfish" . . . Sometimes I think he's selfish ;(

 
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