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Old 08-25-2008, 09:02 AM   #1
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Red face how do i apologise?

i've recently had an argument with my wife over something petty. the argument blew up out of all proportion, things were said and done that i'm not proud of. my wife has agreed for us to try again, but i need to change. i have promised i would change anything she asks of me. but how can i convince her, that this time i mean it?? please help!!!

 
Old 08-25-2008, 09:07 AM   #2
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Re: how do i apologise?

well you haven't given us a lot of details, so just in general I would say with actions, not just words.......
do you want to elaborate a little, maybe we could give you better advice.

 
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Old 08-25-2008, 09:11 AM   #3
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Re: how do i apologise?

I agree with Rose. If you've promised to change before and haven't, then the only thing that will convince her is time, and of course your change.

Mileena

 
Old 08-25-2008, 09:38 AM   #4
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Re: how do i apologise?

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Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
well you haven't given us a lot of details, so just in general I would say with actions, not just words.......
do you want to elaborate a little, maybe we could give you better advice.
thanks for your reply rose. actions sound good! but i don't know where to start. i feel like something stuck on the bottom of my shoe!! difficult to know where to begin

 
Old 08-25-2008, 09:44 AM   #5
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Re: how do i apologise?

I would begin with trying to get some insight into why you act as you do? Is it out of anger and if so, whom are you angry at and why? Think through some specific situations and your actions. I agree with the others, it is the actions that count, not promises and words.

 
Old 08-25-2008, 09:46 AM   #6
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Re: how do i apologise?

You start by sitting down and discussing what she wants you to do and then do it ...you start where she wants you to start.... the bottom line is that only time will solve your problem. It make take months or years for her to trust that this won't happen again. Doesn't matter what it is if you truly want to change something then you get honest with her and yourself and do it. I know you want a quick fix and to do some great thing that shows that it is all better...it doesn't work that way...time is what you tell he. However, if this doesn't become part of who you are then one slip up will send you right back to the beginning and the next time it will take even longer. Good luck.

 
Old 08-25-2008, 11:04 AM   #7
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Re: how do i apologise?

Quote:
Originally Posted by grimm36 View Post
i've recently had an argument with my wife over something petty. the argument blew up out of all proportion, things were said and done that i'm not proud of. my wife has agreed for us to try again, but i need to change. i have promised i would change anything she asks of me. but how can i convince her, that this time i mean it?? please help!!!
I have got the impression that you promised far more than you were able to do or give. Like when you said "anything she asks of me". Don't you think you should try to be more realistic? It almost seems like she was giving you an ultimatum, and you got hold of the last branch in the tree in order not to fall down to the ground. Sobriety is a good thing. Just promise what you know you can do. First you have to convince yourself that you can do it, not the other party. Don't promise the moon if you can't even reach the top of a tree.

I think it would be more sensible to sit down with her again and discuss what can really be done on both sides. Often it is not enough for just one party to change. In most cases, both parties have to change, even though one party often has to do most of the change. It is a two-way road.

I think it is also ok to ask for tolerance and feedback from the other party. While you are trying to change yourself, you often fall back to the old patterns. And then again you may need to hear from the other party how you are doing and where you should focus your attention.

Also, ask your wife to see the good things you do, not only the bad things. Do the same with her.

Lastly, don't turn this into an obsessive search for perfection. Accept each other's minor defects with patience and humour. Perfectionists are usually bored in their hearts.

 
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