child doesn't hug father - Relationship Health Message Board

drea3399 · 08-25-2008, 05:56 PM

My son just turned 3 and his father and I aren't together. We have had a very rocky relationship. In the past year it is slowly getting better. I do not want to do anything to burn the bridges we have built. But I have a question regarding hugging. Whenever my son's father drops him off from a visit our son won't hug him goodbye. His father is progressively getting irritated and more verbally aggressive about this. At the last visit he forced a hug and told him he has to hug his father. Is there anything I can say that doesn't seem like I am attacking him. I feel as our son might be testing or needing some space. I don't always get as hug either. Thanks.

pendulum · 08-25-2008, 07:40 PM

Obviously getting irritated and verbally aggressive won't help at all.

Does he see that you don't always get a hug, either?

A hug is physically rewarding, but there are also other ways of showing people you like them and care for them. Some people and children for that matter have some difficulty with physical contact.

If you can approach your ex-husband (or ex-partner), tell him he'd be better to find ways of gaining the child's trust and confidence, mostly by being together with him, doing activities together with him, being patient with him, rather than let him (the child) watch TV all the time or be otherwise idle, if he (the father) does.

Mileena42 · 08-25-2008, 08:12 PM

This seems like a red flag to me. How often does your son NOT hug you? I suggest you all get into some kind of counseling. Maybe the child isn't taking the breakup as well as you might have thought, OR maybe he isn't handling the fact that you and his dad are becoming "friends" again. It's been many years since my pyschology course at school.....but isn't 3 about the age that boys begin to get "jealous" of dad?

Either way, I agree with Pendulum that his dad becoming verbal and complaining about the lack of hugging isn't going to help at all. As a mom I would be working on getting to the bottom of it.

Mileena

Seraph · 08-25-2008, 09:57 PM

I hate to hear these things being done to little kids. Never mind rocking the boat, this is YOUR BABY! Tell this man to stop trying to force the poor little thing to hug him, or he will end up hating and fearing his father. If he can't take this, then you surely do not want to inflict his bullying ways on your son for life! Your son's welfare must come first before any rekindling of romance happens. Sera

rpett · 08-25-2008, 11:51 PM

OK, let's not freak out here.

Children are too young to be forced, they are only capable of expressing emotion as they feel it. This is not to say that your child doesn't love his father, I believe he truly does. However, as a little boy, he has seen and heard things that were completely inappropriate, Can you honestly dispute that? The problems you are having now relate to the fact that your child is carrying residual memories of fights and turmoil.

Essentially, he believes that hugging his dad (particularly in front of YOU) is tantamount to betrayal. If you really want him to be able to relax with his dad, you must show & tell him that it's ok. Hey! You can fix this! A love problem is usually a good one... <grin>