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Old 08-26-2008, 08:52 AM   #1
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How can one tell?

I'm hoping this doesn't fall into any 'sticky' categories, but I have a question about a friend. He is 26 and we've been friends since high school. He's very particular about the way he dresses and the clothes he wears (not snobby, just well-kept), and how clean he needs things (anal). He has dated numerous girls-all of them very pretty. The last girl he dated was for 6 months (maybe a bit longer) and she ended up breaking his heart he says. She was still speaking with her first love and hanging out, which is not acceptable to my friend. He broke it off for good b/c he couldn't trust her, but his heart was broken. He even admitted he was so upset that he stayed with his mom a couple nights. He is extremely close with his mom. Anyway, some of my friends tend to think he is in denial about being straight. He is very religious, into music (he plays), sports and straight-laced, so I can't figure out if he really is in denial. Does anyone know characteristics of this? I would hate for him to marry a woman and break her heart later. Thanks for any input

 
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Old 08-26-2008, 09:06 AM   #2
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Re: How can one tell?

There are no real characteristics that will tell you for sure. All of the behaviours you have mentioned can be displayed by hetero men. One fairly common thing about guys in denial is that they sometimes go out of their way to appear "butch" even to being homophobic.
Anyway, how would it help you to know whether he is straight or not? Would you warn off a woman who might get involved with him? I really think that it is of concern to him only, and he is probably getting along just fine.

 
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Old 08-26-2008, 09:11 AM   #3
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Re: How can one tell?

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Originally Posted by pisces82 View Post
I would hate for him to marry a woman and break her heart later. Thanks for any input
how is this your concern? are you interested in your friend in a romantic way or are you just curious? what difference does it make if he's gay or straight if he's your friend? I can't see why it would matter unless you yourself have romantic feelings from him.......why worry about some women who hasn't appeared on the scene yet, that you don't even know......let her worry about it herself.

 
Old 08-26-2008, 09:33 AM   #4
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Re: How can one tell?

Well, I didn't really wanna go there, but now I guess I must for clarification purposes A couple years ago we decided to date although he was in an entirely different state. We were 'romantic' and that was great. Anyhow, it didn't work out for the best since it was long distance and I was at a different place in my life where I didn't want something so serious. We still remained good friends. He would still leave me little comments, sometimes about us in the days we were together. He asked me out a couple weeks ago and I said yes. I told him we were not to be 'romantic' b/c I just got out of a relationship and he said he was glad I brought it up b/c he didn't want s*x to complicate our relationship and we could worry about it later. Since then he has called/texted me every day, and we have been out several times. He came out with me and some old high schools friends last weekend and one of them (my close friend) told me she thought he might have some tendencies. I am not in love with him or anything, but I certainly don't wanna become involved if he is not straight, you know? I hope this clarifies things

 
Old 08-26-2008, 09:42 AM   #5
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Re: How can one tell?

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Originally Posted by pisces82 View Post
I am not in love with him or anything, but I certainly don't wanna become involved if he is not straight, you know? I hope this clarifies things
he's your friend first, right? so even if he is gay is he still going to be your friend? It's not a one sided thing.....you can't become involved with him if he doesn't want to be involved. He told you he doesn't want sssex to complicate things. Why not just take it at face value? If he wants to become involved romantically with you, I'd say it's safe to say that he's not gay. If he doesn't, he may or may not be gay......that doesn't prove anything. maybe you're just not his type.
you're putting the cart before the horse here......has he tried to get involved or is that just wishful thinking on your part?

 
Old 08-26-2008, 10:02 AM   #6
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Re: How can one tell?

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he's your friend first, right? so even if he is gay is he still going to be your friend? It's not a one sided thing.....you can't become involved with him if he doesn't want to be involved. He told you he doesn't want sssex to complicate things. Why not just take it at face value? If he wants to become involved romantically with you, I'd say it's safe to say that he's not gay. If he doesn't, he may or may not be gay......that doesn't prove anything. maybe you're just not his type.
you're putting the cart before the horse here......has he tried to get involved or is that just wishful thinking on your part?
He is pursuing me. He is pushing a relationship more than I am. He asks me like 3 times a day what I'm doing and makes advanced plans. I just got out of a relationship and am unsure that I wanna be in another one so soon. I was the one that told him I didn't want to get involved sexually and then he said it does complicate things (he is very religious). We give each other massages and kiss, but that's as far as it has gone this time around. I'm ok with that, since I clearly told him we wouldn't be going 'home'. Does that clarify things?

 
Old 08-26-2008, 10:27 AM   #7
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Re: How can one tell?

lets just simplify things, ok?

if you like him, continue to spend time with him.......and see what happens.

 
Old 08-26-2008, 05:39 PM   #8
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Re: How can one tell?

Hello, If you are not in love with him, and you know this because you know him, have spent time with him, you know you are friends but you want nothing else and you know it. Make sure he knows it too. I am glad you have a friend, but he needs to know that is all he is. You all can hang out, but the massage & kissing thing is likely to end up in the bedroom, naturally. Then where will you be? Sad your not in love with him. So is life, hope you have a good night and as to his sexual orientation that is for him to figure out. What I could share about my own sexual curiosities.......G

 
Old 08-26-2008, 08:26 PM   #9
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Re: How can one tell?

If you are not in love with him, then it shouldn't matter to you if he is gay or straight. He is your friend and his sexual orientation has nothing to do with your friendship. Kissing and massaging will eventually lead to more which could destroy your friendship.
You really can't tell if someone is gay or straight. I know several middle aged men who are gay, but have ex wives and children. Some people are in denial about their sexual orientation and some hide the fact they are gay. The reasons for this are many.

 
Old 08-27-2008, 08:46 AM   #10
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Re: How can one tell?

All of this is really confusing, to me.

He agrees not to get sexually involved with you, but you really don't know what is behind his decision:

a) he doesn't want sex because sex complicates things? (Maybe, but if you use it in the "right" measure, sex helps you to get to know better someone else);

b) he doesn't want sex because he is very religious? (Does he say so or can you really see/witness his everyday religiosity?);

c) he doesn't want sex because he is trying to cover his real sexuality or in doubt about it?

Which one? Or all of the three at the same time?

I don't think it is b. If it were b, he wouldn't have said "sex complicates things". He would have said "sex is sinful or something" in order to be consistent with his religious views.

It could be a, but he is a young man, in his prime years. The idea that sex complicates things just doesn't hold water when you hear it is a young man expressing it. A young man is naturally curious about sex. He may choose not have it, but in my opinion he would give a more logical justification (in most cases related to his faith) for his abstinence. Actually, it'd be more usual or natural to hear a girl say so ("sex complicates..."), not a man.

I tend to follow with c. Not that he is necessarily gay or bi, but maybe he is just afraid of having sex for the first time and for some reason fail in his attempt. In one word, he lacks self-confidence, or maybe he has some health problem, I don't know.

I am just speculating here, ok. I may be totally wrong with my assumptions.

I don't know what else to advise you to do. But if you are really unsure about his motives and if you feel you are not yet ready for a new relationship (that he is clearly pushing for), maybe it'd be better for you distance yourself from him or otherwise state clearly that you just want his friendship and then act accordingly.

 
Old 08-27-2008, 09:55 AM   #11
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Re: How can one tell?

Thanks everyone for your advice. I know this seems complicated, but I assure you it's not that complicated Yes, I like him and he is pursuing me, so I suppose he likes me. I'm not in love with him, but that doesn't mean I don't have feelings for him. We grew up together, so we've known each other a long time. We dated previously, as I said before. Now that he's local things could work out. I'm not sure about getting into another relationship so soon, but that will work itself out. He is religious and has always been. His grandfather was a minister and he attends church every Sunday. He has devotions every day for an hour. I like this about him since this is also how I was raised. I think by 'complicated' he meant that it makes things complicated...you know when you're beginning a relationship and you just wanna hang out without that pressure? We have been intimate before (when we dated a couple years ago), but not since then. We both have self-control, so the massages and all replace having sex. However, when my one friend said he has gay tendencies, it was a red flag. I just wanna know what to look for as far as signs that he may be. Regardless of how things turn out, I'm positive we will remain friends b/c we always have. It would just be nice to know

 
Old 08-27-2008, 10:38 AM   #12
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Re: How can one tell?

Quote:
Originally Posted by pisces82 View Post
... However, when my one friend said he has gay tendencies, it was a red flag. I just wanna know what to look for as far as signs that he may be. Regardless of how things turn out, I'm positive we will remain friends b/c we always have. It would just be nice to know
I am no expert on homosexuality, but as far as I know, it is an interplay of factors causing it or leading to it, namely: genetics, environment and experiences.

The genetic traits are obviously acquired even before birth. Some of them may be physical (but probably not apparent), others may be psychological (sensitivity, a creative drive and an esthetic sense). However, not all men who have these traits are gay, and certainly not every gay has them. It is just a tendency, you know.

It is not uncommon for gay men to have gay siblings as well.

A distant and ineffective father and an overpowerful and controlling mother are also possible factors.

Lastly, if a boy goes through a homosexual experience early on in his life, he may later develop homosexual feelings or a homosexual behaviour, unwittingly or not.

Anyway, it is very difficult to give a fool-proof formula to find out if someone is gay or not. To a certain extent, all of the above are just stereotypes. You can never be 100% certain. This is your dilemma.

Probably you will know when the time comes.

 
Old 08-27-2008, 10:52 AM   #13
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Re: How can one tell?

Well, I see what you are saying........it doesn't matter as far as your "friendship" goes if he is gay or not, but you don't want to invest in an emotional long term relationship only to find out 10 years and 2 kids down the road that you aren't the right sex for him.

Of course, there are men who have what society would call "girlish behavior" and they are NOT gay, and I have known men who were VERY macho who turned out to be gay. So, in other words you cannot go by how someone "acts" or the things they do.

The only way that you could know for sure.....is ask him. Then, you open up a whole can of worms by his reaction. If he isn't gay then he might be offended and want to know what about him would make you question that....if he is and he "thinks" he has it well hidden, then you are going to give him a huge blow. He might think that for years no one has ever even thought these things about him, and once you ask then he will be aware that people indeed HAVE considered this side of him when he felt it wasn't being noticed.

Then again, he might be very aware of all these things and even KNOW that he leans toward being gay or bi but is fighting that in himself because of his religion.

I guess this is just something that you are going to have to weigh out for yourself. If you ask, you might not be any better off because he might not be ready to tell you or anyone the truth. I can tell you this....my own experience has always been that if there is a question in your mind about it....usually the guy is gay. I am 45 and haven't been wrong yet. There was a young man who asked me out often in school but I refused to go because I felt like he was gay and just not admitting it to himself. 20 years after we get out of school and he has been moved away for most of those, he calls me and wants to catch up. Since we were always friends I did, and the things I noticed back then that made me think he was gay became more apparent now....so I asked him. You know what he said? "Well yes! You knew I was!"


Mileena

 
Old 08-27-2008, 11:03 AM   #14
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Re: How can one tell?

Hello Pisces82, hope your having a good day. I am hetero and completely want to remain that way. However, I would like to be with a woman, I am curious about this and I have no clue that anyone would look at me and say, she has ....these sort of tendencies.... I would not want someone to label me or speak something into my life that is not there or try to convince me that I was gay (because I want to be with a woman). I know you are not trying to convince him, however, your friend who put this bug in your ear should watch what they say. All of this is pure speculation. I can talk about the things that I would like to try, but I am almost positive that I will never 'do' those things. Really, do you want to see how strong your friendship is, you should ask him (in a relaxed state for you both) what he thinks about homosexual activities. Who knows what he may share with you. Communication deepens our relationships, if you all are secure in your friendship, I think you should breach the topic.

I don't think I could ever give/receive massages and kisses at my age and it not lead to 'you know what'. Do you believe there is a difference in loving someone and being in love with someone? Your guy friend sounds very nice, and both of you having a solid biblical grounding is a plus in my heart, especially the way you describe it. If you melt in his arms when he kisses you, I can't imagine anything better.

This last relationship you were in, did it end on a bad note? Who did the leaving? Do you still have feelings for your ex? Do you think you need time to grieve the loss of your past relationship? How much time do you think you need and what do you hope to gain by having some time? Hmmmmm, if you are looking to just rest, when your friend starts to make plans just say you need to stay in. You do not have to be available 24/7. It does sound like you enjoy your friendship very much, I would love a friend like that.

 
Old 08-27-2008, 11:18 AM   #15
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Re: How can one tell?

Thanks so much for all your help!! These are great responses! And Pendelum (spelling?), I am the girl that just broke up with the guy moving to NY for his doctorate Maybe you remember? So, no there's not any baggage or unresolved feelings. It was actually quite easy. I am just one of those people who are very cautious about getting into another relationship. I'm going to a football game with the 'new' guy tomorrow and we have to drive about 1 1/2 hrs to get there, so maybe I will try to approach the gay topic Wish me luck!! Thanks again all!

 
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