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Old 08-27-2008, 07:12 AM   #1
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ctnc1234 HB User
Question yup it's me again...

Still in that same wonderful relationship

I would love any advise on how to make a man happy! I think I've got the sex thing down. But something is missing. We, don't have good communication lines. I'm not sure how to cure that. I try to talk, but he isn't a talker, at least not with me. I guess we have nothing in common. You all know we have two kids, and that he wasn't much on fathering. But lately he has been leaving them notes and talking to them on the phone from work and telling them how much he loves them. Extremely strange for him! Awesome...but strange. Our 18th anniversary was a couple of weeks ago, and he forgot. I didn't say anything, his mom and dad came over with a card that night, thats what reminded him. I still haven't said anything about it or let on I am upset, because I think that is petty. But we have ALWAYS in the past gone out for an exspensive night out for dinner just the two of us, but this year...nothing. He won't talk to me and tell me if something is wrong, he is unhappy all the time, and I don't know why. I can't recall the last time he said he loved me. I am very hurt by the way things are going for us, and really scared.

Do you think it is a good idea for me to just stay away from him as much as possible. You know to let him think, or maybe miss me? Please help me with this. I am getting pretty desperate. I have a crazy yurning to be loved, held and talked to. Is this childish of me.

Your all I've got.
Thanks, CT

 
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Old 08-27-2008, 07:29 AM   #2
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Re: yup it's me again...

Hey CT. Your post sounds somewhat like how my life has been for a while now.

I'm not really sure that I have any advice as I cannot seem to fix my own situation.

My dh is a very unhappy, depressed man. If it was not for the weather or our little girl, we would probably never even speak. But if you add in some alcohol to the mix, he has plenty to say, some of which is very hurtful.

We were married 23 years in June and my b-day was a couple of weeks ago. I am still waiting for an aknowledgement of those events.

Good luck and I will follow your post to see what advice you get.

 
Old 08-27-2008, 10:17 AM   #3
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Re: yup it's me again...

Hello, no your yearnings are not childish. I will be 45 in a few days and I have always had those yearnings and sometimes my needs get met (some of those needs you mentioned, but not all of them). You are real and your needs are real and I am glad you shared your heart here. I hope that you will open up to him your heart and let him know how you are missing him and want him. Talk to him, don't isolate yourself, him or your relationship. Let him know how much you love him and need his love as well. I hope that there is a way for you two to go out and make up for your missed anniversary date. Please have a good day and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.....G

 
Old 08-27-2008, 10:28 AM   #4
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Re: yup it's me again...

Hello tlhalabama, Wow, my heart goes out to you too. I replied to CT quickly because I was so heartbroken for her. I had no idea what I had yet to read in this thread. I am so sorry you all are going through a very hard time.

Is there anything you guys think you could do to cheer up your men, love on them, make their favorite meal, do their favorite activity, watch their favorite movie....hug on them, do to them what you wish they would be doing with you or for you. Pursue them. Let them know you love them. My heart is with you, I will be holding on tight to you both.....G

 
Old 08-27-2008, 11:23 AM   #5
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Re: yup it's me again...

I don't have an answer to these questions, but as man myself, I know that a man will feel low and depressed on two different occasions: when they are jobless or have very little/not enough money OR when they have some health problem, about which they don't want to talk about or which they don't fully recognize. Men usually cope very poorly with sickness or illness, because illness means that they are no longer strong.

A man often behaves like a child. They need to be recognized. You can obtain something from a man if you first tell them that they are right or that they have a reason to do what they are doing, but then you go on to say that they would do better (they would be even more recognized) if they paid attention to this or that detail.

Also, men are very bad with dates. It is hard for them to remember numbers when these numbers happen to be dates! Don't expect them to like parties, too, even if they enjoy the drinking part.

Men like physical contact more than words. You don't have to keep telling him "I love you", but just let your body convey the message.

And in a conversation, don't come up with the solution, conclusion or the final word. Ask his opinion (even if you already know what you have to do), let him know that you don't want to do something without him knowing about it (it is not so much his approval you are looking for as making him aware of it).

 
Old 08-27-2008, 02:39 PM   #6
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Re: yup it's me again...

stop trying to make him happy and start making yourself happy......
he can either come along or he can sit and pout and be miserable by himself......it's not your job/responsibility to make him happy.....

 
Old 08-27-2008, 03:07 PM   #7
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Re: yup it's me again...

Here's the thing, communication isn't just going to magically happen. You have to make it happen. You've seen that he can open up with the kids (wonderful news by the way) so you know that he can do it.

You need to plan an evening for just the two of you and talk to him. Ask him if he is unhappy and when/if he opens up really listen to him. Tell him how you feel. Being upset about a forgotten anniversary is not petty. It's an important day and he should know that his forgetting hurt you. Trust me, he isn't just going to get the hint.

I also agree with rosequartz, you need to make yourself happy. When you talk to him you tell him that you will be doing that from now on and he is more than welcome to be a part of it. If he chooses not to then that's his problem. You can't rely on anyone else to make you happy, including your husband, just like you can't be responsible for someone else's happiness.

If he doesn't "change" do you see yourself with him in the future? Do you think it may be a good idea to seek some marriage counselling, even if you go by yourself at first if he is reluctant? You have to do something, but only you can decide what that is.

 
Old 08-27-2008, 03:48 PM   #8
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Re: yup it's me again...

Your all great advise givers! Much appreciated!

He is in my eyes, the world. But I don't get that I am much more than the word wife to him...a chore. I have tried to talk to him, maybe to much, he is tired of me....I know that. But I don't want to quit, I don't think.
I am extremely confused! I want what is best for us as a whole...the family unit. I feel like I am being selfish and stupid for wanting, maybe even demanding to be loved and appreciated. Is it possible I make him feel to important to me? Does that make sence? I don't hang on him or anything, just try to be in his life a little. What can I do to, for lack of a better way of discribing it, test his love for me? See how silly that sounds!? I feel so utterly needing for love, almost as though I am losing my sanity over it. He isn't God's gift to woman or anything, not even adorable cute, but I have an unconditional love for him...that I feel like I am developing conditions on. I don't have anyone...my kids, but you know that isn't the same kind of love. Counceling we have done...need to go there again I guess huh. But in the mean time, how do I cope? I feel like I'm already losing ground, and I don't know how to make myself happy. Where do I begin????

tlhalabama...I am so, so very sorry, I hope and pray things work out for you too.

Always,
CT

 
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