basically im going out of my mind over my ex-g/f (it even hurts to call her that), i've been with this girl for 2 years, who i thought would be my wife, mother of my kids etc etc and she has suddenly split with me with no real explanation and has basically cut me out of her life as af i was nothing to her..
OMG, you could be my son! His wife did the exact same things after 8 years and 3 kids. She went off him overnight when he got sick with a mystery brain disorder that affected his balance and speech. It was just the same, him begging her to see him, her getting colder and colder, and then after only 4 weeks, she had a new man in tow. If she is like my DIL, then you have been done over by a narcissist, and there is nothing you can do to change things. in fact, the more you try the worse she will hurt you. They do what your GF did, almost over-the-top love blitzing, then one day, like a switch turned off it is all gone, never to return. I don't know whether this is worse to hear or not, but in the long run, you will realise that she has something basic and fundamental missing and she will probably repeat this time and time again. It is like being hit by a truck, and you never see it coming. My thoughts are with you, Sera.
I am very sorry for the pain and shame you must be going through because of her unprecedented behaviour. I agree that you would have the right to know what made her break up with you on those terms. Even if you had said something or did something that she simply misinterpreted, you would be entitled to know. It really isn't fair to you with all your emotional (if not material) investment into this relationship.
Her explanations about her anxiety and sorting out her problems alone made some sense, until you found out that she was flirting again. That looks very cheap.
Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be much you can do in the situation. Leave her alone. To me, she appears a little unstable, if you see what I mean, but I presume you had never before noticed anything wrong about her.
Has she been taking any medicine of late?
Anyway, you know, the best path for you to take is to try to move on with your life and dismiss any counterproductive thought that all the other women in the world are like her and will eventually let you down.
Suggesting she was 'narcissist' makes me look at things from another angle, which i never thought of before.. She always seemed to crave attention/love, kissing in public, holding hands all the time etc, which made me uncomfortable - not to say i didnt love her. she seemed to be happiest in the 'honeymoon' period of our relationship where everything was new and now we have progressed into a normal / steady relationship, she seems to craves new attention to make her feel loved. i dont know, cos she hasnt told me anything !!
but to go from someone being madly in love with you, to nothing overnight is so hard to take and she doesnt seem to realise how she is making me feel.
she blamed her anxiety on her real father dying two months ago, who she had not seen for over 10 years and always stated she hated him for the bad upbringing he gave her (he was an alchoholic) - but this was never an issue throughout our relationship.
she was taking anti-anxiety tablets on holiday, but has never had anything before that as far as I know.
i personally think she has used this as an excuse to find new attention from somewhere else and disgregard me like i was nothing.
its doesnt make sense saying she needs space to sort her head out, yet she's straight out in nightclubs and chatting with other guys.. it feels like she has lied to me.
The hardest thing for my son is to come to terms with the fact that, to his ex, he is nothing. She has blithely moved on and clearly never thinks about him unless he annoys her by reminding her that he still exists. I am sure that is partly why she is being difficult about his access to his kids (apart from the control thing). Meanwhile, he is trying to climb up out of despair, and everything he remembers about their relationship is now suspect. She even destroyed that by telling him that she never loved him, and faked happiness throughout. I really know what you are going through; it is awful, but, truly, could you ever trust her again? That is another habit they have..suddenly they look around and realise that somebody who used to supply them with adoration is not doing it any more, so she may turn up and offer you another chance. BE WARY!! The motto of a narcissist is "Come closer so I can slap you harder". Hang in there. Sera
Im am in a very similar situation. I hear your pain. I was with my ex for 2 & 1/2 years. As stupid as this is going to sound like, i met him on myspace. I used it just to keep in touch with my friends. Then i started talking to my now ex. We somehow clicked. Messaged quite often and then decided to talk on the phone. It was great we clicked right away, but i still didnt think it farther than friends. Well as time proceeded we decided we wanted to be with each other(dating). The one problem was that he lived in chicago and i lived in florida. We talked everyday on the phone. We flew out to see each other as often as we could. I clicked with his family, his brother grew more and more to adore me, he even called me his future sister in law. I finally gave all my trust and love to this man. In my heart he was my soulmate, there was even a time that he wrapped me in his arms and said that i was the one. He was my "first". Sex meant a lot to him because he broke down in tears when his ex left him and he gave himself for the first time to her. He too valued that sex was for people you wanted to commit to for a lifetime. So through time i was comfortable and thought he was the one. Yea i thought i would end up marrying him one day and i thought he was a great hearted person. Through all the letters we wrote and saw each other on webcamera, things were going ok. We even texted everyday. Needless to say, we had obstacles to overcome, but we constantly stayed in touch. Then i started to realize how much more i was doing in the relationship, i cleared my schedule up to visit him, i was the willing one to move to where he was to be with him. He was kind of a mama's boy and his mom got to be kinda jealous. And because her son was so devoted to his mom when she was unhappy he would do what she wanted even if he didnt feel he wanted to do it. There was plenty of times where him and i were happy and were going to spend time together and she didnt think it was ok and he would give up the idea and not do it because of her. She became annoying to me, yet i definetly tried to give it my all with a relationship with her. I was never mean to her. I even wrote her letters apolozing if i had offened her and that i had liked her. She seemed better by it and then it would go back to repeating the mind games. Its so hard for me right now. I still love him dearly, even though i know i need to move on. He broke up with me over the phone and then went on webcam unwillingly to tell me maybe its best if we go our seperate ways, he said he was still inlove with me, he said that this was so hard, he cried his eyes out, it came from nowhere. We were fine. I had just gotten back from chicago(where he lived) and he didnt seem like he didnt want to be with me anymore. Couple days later when i was back at home he became more distant. I wanted to discuss it more and more to resolve it and he would just push me away and didnt really want to talk. He was faithful to me, this i know for sure. He broke my heart so bad, i thought how could this happen. He said it was going kinda down hill the last 6 months. I reassesed it all and it just didnt make sense. He was kinda controlling but i was strong to stand my ground in some sense. I deleted my myspace. I actually deleted his as well, i didnt think he deserved it since i helped him make his myspace profile nice. I knew his yahoo email and password, we were so close like that that he let me know it when we were going out. We trusted each other. I dont think i have closure. Im kinda confused about it all. From having such a wonderful connection, to me being the person he wanted for life, wanted a family with someday, and his brother telling me constantly that this distance would all be worth it one day when i become his sister in law. He even called me his future wife, i too felt the same way, i was not freaked out by it. Its so hard for me now. He created a new myspace. Yea i hacked into it because i was curious to see what he was up to, maybe to see that he still loved me or maybe he was with someone else. Nope, none of that. But it seems like he let me go so easily. That he moved on so easily. He talks to more girls now, like he wants to be with someone again. Problem is these girls look like me. And there is this one girl he talks to more than any of them and she too lives far away. Ugh! its so frustarating. I know it seems kinda crazy to have hacked into his myspace but its like i want to know, maybe to heal myself. idk.
Any advice, please.
Sorry its so long.
It is difficult for me to understand but I have accepted that there are people who can turn off and on like a light switch. One minute they are emotionally connected to you and the next, they are done. Those folks are just wired differently.
It is like they are in the relationship for themselves. It is as if they take pleasure in other people's feelings for them and their interest is simply to hang around and bask in it. So when the "honeymoon" is over, they move on to look for that excitement with someone new.
Narcisistic is such an appropriate word that I have not thought of before to describe these personalities. They are in it for themselves. They are the center of their own universe.
Boy, you escaped that one. Phew! Can you imagine if you would have married her or wasted years with this person? You lucked out that the problem fixed itself.
I read more deeply on the topic and a lot of what they describe as a narcissist was like he was. Not everything, but it does make sense.
Its just really hard at times. I get strong and then i go onto his site and see what hes doing. I guess thats just part of my problem im still trying to work on.
But what i had noticed is that towards the end of the relationship when he was distancing himself from me i was doing my all to cooperate with him just to make nice. Thats bad i know. I just tried really hard for it to work considering the obstacles and difficult times. For the most part i feel dumb for how much i gave and too see that he just through it away just like that when he was always the one to say he would never let me go and how he would always love me. For once i thought i finally could trust someone truely and look where it got me.
Im trying to better my life, trying to keep occupied, figuering myself out more. I know i didnt deserve what i got when it went bad out of nowhere.
Im hoping that one day i wont have to check his site to check up on what hes doing. I really want that. Call it an addiction im trying to overcome. But its difficult to have made that someone your everything for so long and then have them drop you like that.
I just hope that i can meet someone like that oneday who makes me that top priority as i do them.
Who knows. Time will do its thing.
I appreciate the advice, truly. Means and helps more than you know.
To top things all off. I check his site again. And he messaged a friend from school. She asked about me and how and how we were so good together. He told her that i had cheated on him with another guy and that i lied to him non stop.
You have no idea how mad i am because its a total LIE!!!
I have always had a zero tolerance for cheaters and he knew that from the very beginning and i told him from the very beginning that i would NEVER cheat on anyone i ever dated. ITs not who i am. Plus i got cheated on with the first guy i ever dated and i dumped then, he thought it was funny when i confronted him. ANyways thats besides the point.
His exact words in the message were: "she cheated on me with another guy and lied to me non stop. i dumped that crap better women out there for me to look at and date"
His friend relplied with, "wow..she didnt look like that kind of girl" (thats because i never was that kind of girl i was faithfull and loyal 110%!!)
When he did dump me over the webcam and i cried my eyes out, i pleaded for him not to do it because i loved him so much. And through the pain and tears i cant believe he could say that when he knew very well how committed i was and how i gave everything.
MAybe thats what hurts so much now. Thats down right wrong! when i read that message i wanted to call him and yell at him for how sick it was for him to even say that. But idk about it, i should probably leave it alone. He knows he is lying, i dont know how hes living with himself for a lie like that.
Another thing that bother me is what he might have said to his older brother who i had a great relationship with. Should i call him and ask him what my ex told him about the break up? If he could say a lie like that to his friend then i cant even imagine what lie he told his brother. Because his brother was always saying how he would be dumb if he ever let me go. His older brother is married and with a kid, he understood our situation a lot.
What should i do??
Should i call his brother and talk to him and set it straight?