On Monday I stopped by my boyfriend's work. We were hanging out in his office and I was sitting in his desk chair. I went to go check my e-mail, then I shut the window. And his other e-mail account was open. I saw e-mails from girls from a dating website. I left his office and sent him a text message that we were over. So then he writes me back and says that if I had opened those e-mails I would have seen that they date back to when me and him first met (we met online). And that those girls had contacted him recently but he didn't respond. So I feel like the biggest idiot. I am seriously screwed from my last relationship. Its like I am trying to find things wrong with this one so I can run before I get hurt. I guess I am so scared to get hurt again. This is the third time in 5 months where I have done something stupid like this. I feel like I am just going to push him away. I don't know what to do with myself.
__________________
live your life with arms wide open
If I were you, I WOULD go back and check. In front of him. Just to make sure. It's possible he could lie about it knowing that you'll never really get to check again. And, if he deleted them, you know he is most likely lying.
I'm not saying they aren't from way back, they very well could be. But, I would check just in case. This isn't the first time you've had concerns about this guy...
I kinda know how you feel, sorta. Because for me, 4 of my 6 long term bf's actually cheated on me. I agree that it's really hard to trust after that happens. And to be honest, for him to even be getting those emails is very weird and I'd have most likely jumped to the same conclusion as you have. How can you not? If he were serious about being off the dating sites, he would have erased his profile off those sites completely and not be getting any emails from those sites at all. That part totally doesn't make sense to me and my first gut feeling is that he's lying to you. In that way, I think you made the right choice by telling him you were over. Because you do need to draw the line, and you do need to be adamant that you have a zero tolerance policy about dating sites after you're in a committed relationship. I think that in this case you need to trust your instinct and just be done with him. If he would have deleted his account and was no longer receiving emails from there, then I would believe him. But the fact that he's still on their mailing list is really, really suspicious!!
Nevertheless, there does come a point where you have to stop punishing your current boyfriend for the sins of your past boyfriends. It's hard to do, I know, because I've been in your position many times. But for me, I've learned to give each new guy a clean slate from which to prove to me that he's worthy of my trust. Each new guy is an individual, who has nothing to do with anyone I've ever dated yet. As such, if he proves to me there's nothing for me to worry about, then I give him the benefit of the doubt and I don't automatically assume he's going to cheat. Have I been wrong in trusting again? Sure, but at least I took a chance.
There's some wisdom in the saying that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. You may end up getting hurt more often when you take more chances. And getting over a heartbreak is very hard, as you know. But at the same time, at least you have had an opportunity to experience what love feels like at all. Some people go through their entire life never knowing what it feels like to be loved and to be in love. And that, to me, is a lot more sad than someone who has to suffer through a heartbreak. If you think about it in the "big picture", then you'll probably see what I mean.
So, in terms of your case, I think you have a right to be suspicious. He handled this situation stupidly by not completely removing his email from those dating sites. The fact that those girls are still emailing him is very suspicious. And I think you should trust your first instinct and don't believe whatever excuse he comes up with. All of it sounds like bs to me, and if I were you, I wouldn't believe it, either. But in your next relationship, try to just see the guy as being someone new who hasn't done anything wrong yet. And try to operate under the assumption that he's not going to hurt you. Keep your guard up a little, but don't punish him for what's happened in your past. The next guy might end up being honest and loyal this time. But unless you give him a chance to prove it to you, then you'll never know for sure.
I think 5 months in, you should have been able to simply ask him instead of a knee jerk reaction with a nasty text. By the way, I hate texting...it's taking the place of real communication for people in intimate relationships! What's that about?
Anyway, topic...can you tell him what you've told us? That your past experiences are interfering with your relationship today, and you know it's a problem but you'd like to have a chance to try to work on it?
my question would be if they are old messages and he has no interest in responding, why hasn't he deleted the messages?
I'd be suspicious
BINGO! It seems he is just trying to turn the tables onto you for "looking" in the first place and making you second guess what you saw. If you feel this badly about it do as another suggested and go back to his work and appologize for your knew jerk reaction and ask to see the emails again so you can put the issue to bed once and for all. If they are erased or he doesn't allow you access then you know he lied and you are better off without him.
Personally, I would just be done with him. I know you have your issues with your past relationships, but he also keeps portraying himself in a not so pleasant light. I all honesty, when you became "official" he should have deleted his profile. Or, he should have at the very least deleted the messages from the girls he "has no interest in".
when someone tries to get you to second guess what you saw, to doubt your own judgement, there's a term for it......it's called gaslighting....they've even written books about it.
it's a form of manipulation......don't let yourself be manipulated.
Just to get this straight. We met on Clist (I think if I spell it out on here they will block it). Its not a dating site where you have a profile and that sort of thing. You just make a post and people respond and it is deleted in 7 days. I made a post that he responded to. But he also responded to other girls around the time that we met. So he told me that he recently received messages from those girls after some time but hasn't responded.
__________________
live your life with arms wide open
I guess I'll have to jump aboard the cynicism train and echo the others...first of all, if he is dating you exclusively, why would have saved messages from other women that date back five months?
And he is saying that more than one woman suddenly got back to him after five months? Yes, that sounds all kinds of fishy. Why wouldn't he just delete the messages right away - why even read them at all?
__________________
The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~
The fact that it is a Clist thing and not a dating account makes it worse honey.
On "that" you know the "posts" are automatically deleted after a certain amount of time. For what you did it is 7 days (so you said from your experience) and the max for anything on there is like 30 or 45.
Anyway, your boyfriend is trying to convince you that he was talking to these girls (plural) around the time he met you. That is believable. However, he now wants you to believe that by some epiphany these same girls (again, plural) decided to contact him to see how he was doing. You know, I may believe that if it were one girl, but come on! You said yourself it was multiple girls. They (2, 3, 4, more?) all decided around the same time to contact your boyfriend after 5 months? Do you see how ridiculous that sounds?
If it were an actual dating site where he never deleted his profile I could try to believe his story. I honestly don't understand why you are trying so hard to believe his story or make excuses for him. Is he that wonderful? Think back over the past 5 months objectively dodedoo. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck it's a duck!
Wow, the Clist thing does make things even worse. I met my bf on there as well, from an ad that I posted. And I didn't receive any responses after the first few weeks. He is definitely lying. How would these girls even still have his email address? And like the others said, why would they suddenly decide to randomly e-mail him, a guy they probably never met and therefore couldn't care less about, after months of no contact? It doesn't add up. As another poster said, he is trying to "gaslight" you. He put the blame back on you and made you look stupid when really, he is the one at fault. As I said in my first post, I would demand to see the emails again. Even if they are deleted, maybe they are in his trash. If he deleted the completely, then you have your answer anyway, he's lying.
Remember, this is not the first time you have had doubts about him. That should tell you enough right there.
Have you tried going through Clist to see if there are any ads that sound like they could be his?
SO he has two email accounts one is with gmail and the other is with hmail. He uses the hmail one for like when he is apartment hunting or apparently when he was talking to girls on craigslist. And the gmail for work and stuff. What I saw were two emails from girls. I know the dates were fairly recent. I'm not sure exactly. It is strange that he didn't just delete them when he got them. He said that he didn't answer them though and paid no attention to them.
Now that I remember...during our conversation he may have said that he deleted them to show me that they don't matter.
__________________
live your life with arms wide open
I was just going to say that of course he's going to delete them before you can see them! He'll do it to "prove" to you that they don't matter, when really, he is covering his tracks. He knows he's caught, so he'd be stupid to just let them sit around for you to go back and see again.
You are going to do what you want, but I can't suggest ENOUGH to JUST LET HIM GO! I honestly think that if you dig deep in yourself, you'll find the truth. And that is that he is not worth all the trouble. Think of all the things you have been through with him in just 5 months. No one is worth that. I know you weren't "official" but remember all the texts he had to other girls in the beginning? He doesn't want you to meet his family. That could be a lack of commitment on his side, especially considering all you've told us about him and your relationship. He's jealous of other guys..and you know what many people say? The most jealous people are the cheaters because they know what people are capable of. They are cheating themselves, so they don't trust anyone else.
There's just a small re-cap of all that you've been through with this guy. Is he really worth it?!
BTW- I have hmail too. Ask him to "undelete them" so you can see. Deleted messages just go to a trash bin that don't get permanently deleted for a while. If he permanently deleted them, he would have had to go to his trash bin and do it there. Which is a lot of for no reason, unless someone is trying to cover their tracks...
You are going to do what you want, but I can't suggest ENOUGH to JUST LET HIM GO! I honestly think that if you dig deep in yourself, you'll find the truth. And that is that he is not worth all the trouble. Think of all the things you have been through with him in just 5 months. No one is worth that. I know you weren't "official" but remember all the texts he had to other girls in the beginning? He doesn't want you to meet his family. That could be a lack of commitment on his side, especially considering all you've told us about him and your relationship. He's jealous of other guys..and you know what many people say? The most jealous people are the cheaters because they know what people are capable of. They are cheating themselves, so they don't trust anyone else.
Very nicely put Mary83.
Dodedoo, 5 months is a VERY short amount of time for all this drama. He has you constantly second guessing yourself, your gut instinct, and your own eyes. Why? I can't stress enough to you to look at this objectively! Do you really want to be dealing with this same crap in 5 years? He is showing you over and over again who he is and you are refusing to see it. I'm sorry, but I just don't understand it. You do know you deserve better than this don't you? I have been cheated on too but I would never use that as an excuse not to trust my own intuition. You know yourself better than anyone else.
Since you've used that site, you know that after 7 days the post is gone, and hence, therefore, is the way for people to contact him through that anonymous email address. If you are saying that he gave those girls his real email address and they emailed him that way, then that's not good, either. Because - why would they both randomly email him after 5 months of no contact? Do you see why it doesn't make sense and why he's lying? Because, especially on that particular site, if someone emails a person and they exchange real email addresses, and they end up not responding afterwards, then the communication just ceases. It makes NO SENSE that they would both contact him again after not corresponding after so much time. Do you see that he's totally lying? You need to look at this thing logically. He's totally lying and you shouldn't believe him.
Incidentally, I met my current bf on that site. So far things are going well. We'll see how it goes. But I'll tell you something - I was the first person to respond to his post. He got like 40 responses the day after he and I emailed the first time. He deleted all of those plus his post and he has not had any further contact with any of them. We've only been dating for going on 3 weeks and he has already given me his password because he is adamant about not having any secrets and not having anything to hide. I have no desire to look at his stuff, because he has a genuineness that I've never seen in anyone yet. But if he gives me reason to be suspicious, you'd better believe we're going to have a talk about it and he'll be kicked to the curb if I find any wrongdoing. I'm just not going to put up with that kind of thing anymore. And after your experience, you shouldn't either. Why are you letting him lie to you?
when someone tries to get you to second guess what you saw, to doubt your own judgement, there's a term for it......it's called gaslighting....they've even written books about it.
it's a form of manipulation......don't let yourself be manipulated.
I agree with Rose. People who use gaslighting are the worst in my opinion. Your doubt yourself while you are being abused and manipulated.
These are to many questions you have for such a short relationship. In my opinion, the whole story sounds fishy. Trust your eyes and your instincts. If you don't you may pay a very high emotional price down the road.
Last edited by negot; 08-28-2008 at 04:13 PM.
Reason: spelling
I don't know anything about these types of sites or how they work, but after reading all the replies it most definitely doesnt sound very good.
I know a person can always find a way to cheat, but these days with the technology that we have available it makes it so much easier for someone to have a partner and be shopping for someone else at the same time.
I know we should be able to trust the one we are with, but when you read threads like these it really does make you wonder.
I'm with the others. I don't think the 'story' your boy friend has told you is too truthful.
