I seem to live my life trying to please other people. I'm 25, and hate making waves. It's how I grew up- my mother guilted me into doing what she wanted (in a variety of ways) to the poitn where I now have a hard time making my own decisions. At least,thats my 2 minute self diagnosis!
Point in question is my partner- I tend to go along with what he wants. He's not very domineering, at ALL! In fact, he's very easy going- when we face a decision (dinner, what movie to watch, etc) we both say- I don't care, what do you want? I really don't care most of the time, so it's easier to go along with whatever he decides. or I'll throw out suggestions and he'll pick. SO it's not him at all, it's me.
Reason I'm writing this- he doesn't want me to ride a motorcycle. 2 years ago I took the course, but didn't finish my license (test). So this year his brother decided he wanted to, and I got right back into it. Short story- his brother bought a bike yesterday,a nd I paid for half, so we'll share it while we're learning. I feel sick today, cause now i have to tell my partner.
I'm an adult (26- theoretically I am anyways) and I shouldn't change who I am to fit someone else, right? So why do I feel so uncomfortable, that I went against his wishes and he won't be happy? Why can't I be myself, an independant girl who's in a relationship? Why do I find it so hard to keep my own identity, and discover who I am outside of the relationship?
He won't do anything when I tell him, he'll just be worried about my safety (despite courses- and worry is justified, I admit! they're dangerous). After a few days it will blow over and he'll get used to the idea, but why am I SO incomfortable at the thought that I'm doing somehting wrong? Logically, I KNWO it's not wrong to have different interests, and he won't approve of everything I do in my life- but that shouldn't stop me! He's not my parent! Am I messed up ?
Side note- This isn't the first time I've "made my own decision". I took diving courses, went diving, travelled for a week to NY on my own (he hated it), took the coruse the first time (motorcycle), etc. Stil, I've been with him 8 years. I'm TONS better than I was 8 years ago- more confident, comfortable with us, etc. But I still get knots about this stuff. Liek I'm scared he'll leave me. I know he won't, but I am. And even if that were the case,Iw ouldn't want him! Logically i know this. So.. why am i so worried? Typing this out helps! I feel a bit better