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Old 08-29-2008, 08:17 AM   #1
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What would you think if someone told you

I am the type of woman that is used to having a close relationship. Holding hands, a peck on the cheek, talking, etc. When things go wrong, talking not fighting.

I was seeing someone who said things like, you want to be the man in the relationship. I want you to change. A lot of things like he wants to be in control of everything and won't give that up. I just want a harmonious relationship. He tells me everything that is wrong with me. However, to be honest, he is an honest hard working decent person, just has a fresh mouth and he flies off the handle about things (yeah, don't I sound crazy he is good but....LOL). Anyway, I find his answers rude and when I stand up for myself it causes a big fight. For instance, he blurted out why, because you are the idiot that dropped the stuff?? I looked at him and said, who do you think you are talking to like that? Idiot? I am not an idiot. Your comment/mouth is rude and fresh. I don't know any man that would speak to a woman that way nor do I know a woman that would stand around and take it a man dared to say something like that. You mouth is offensive and the comment was fresh. Don't do it again. Well, the fight that took place was enourmous. He told me that I was wrong and I cuased the fight! I disagreed..I stood up for myself (probably in his eyes I said too much...but who is the idiot here).

What type of guy does this? He says he cares for me and says he loves me. What???????? Where is the respect? How can you care about someone when you don't respect them?

Just FYI he is rough around the edges and his mouth is like this with many, not just me. It is just his way..so I either accept it or I don't right?

 
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Old 08-29-2008, 08:26 AM   #2
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Re: What would you think if someone told you

Personally, that sounds miserable to me. He isn't going to change. You should tell him to step off.

The fact that you are saying that you try real hard to be a great easy-going girlfriend and then you are putting up with this rubbish, sends flags to me that you may be a co-dependent personality. If you are unfamiliar with this term/disorder, then look it up on the Internet. I think there are quite a few of us on this board and it generally makes for a multitude of unhappy relationships if you do not confront what is really going on with you.

Don't make excuses for him. You deserve to be with someone who treats you like you treat them. Good luck!

 
Old 08-29-2008, 08:36 AM   #3
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Re: What would you think if someone told you

Thank you mouse but I did not say that I try hard to be a good girlfriend. I am a very good person....he says I am difficult and says "you want to be the man in the relationship". What exactly does that mean? Men have to be in control of everything? Caveman thinking eh? I may be co dependent, but I know that I try to treat most people the way I want to be treated. It may be too smothering for someone like him. He said to me...when was the last time you made me feel good bout me??? I said..well, when was the last timeyou told me I did something right and made me feel good about me? I told him that I too, even though I am just a woman (LOL) have needs to whether it be a peck on the cheek or hold my hand, or whatever I have needs too and they aren't being met either. He says all the time, you do this you do that, you should look in the mirror, it is all your fault, etc. Places the blame on me for everything. Ugh!

 
Old 08-29-2008, 09:06 AM   #4
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Re: What would you think if someone told you

What kind of man talks like this? the kind of man who saw his father treat his mother the same way, and who believes it's the right and correct way to treat a woman.

It's not your job to re-raise him, or to educate him. I dated a guy who was kind of like that as well, and I made the HUGE mistake of thinking that I could somehow figure out a way to make the sweet, loving, gentle, giving, generous, tender, senstive guy he was sometimes, stay permanently and I could make the rude, chauvanistic, small minded, verbally abusive jerk go away for good. I couldn't. And neither can you. He is who he is, and has no reason to change. Maybe after he loses a few really fantastic women and realizes the error of his ways, he will make the decision to become more open minded, and more egalitarian, but it will have to be his choice, when he's ready. In the meantime, you would be very wise to not subject yourself to any more of his verbal abuse and escape from this relationship while your self esteem and dignity are still intact. You may not even realize it, but he is chipping away at your strength, your self esteem, your trust in your own judgment, your confidence, all the things you need to survive in this world. PLEASE don't let him. My ex and I were both musicians and whenever I played my guitar in front of him he'd always either be very hypercritical of my playing or he's laugh in mocking way if I hit a wrong note or chord while practicing. He was always complaining about how he hated his singing voice, he thought he was a horrible singer. One day we were listening to a cd which had one of my all-time favorite guitar solos on it. I commented in a jovial way "you're going to have to teach me that solo!" and he scoffed and said "yeah, right. You play guitar about as well as I sing." I stopped playing in front of him. After he left me, I decided to get back to my music, which I had put on the back burner for him. I planned to play at an open mic night at a local club, and I practiced and practiced and practiced all week, 5 songs I already knew very well. I felt pretty good about them by Sat. (the open mic was on Mondays). But the tape with all the negative things he said kept playing in my head and by Sunday night my hands were shaking so badly I couldn't even press down on the fret board hard enough to form a chord. I said "well, I'll practice harder and do it next week." this went on for about a year, until I finally went to a counselor who specialized in performance anxiety, mostly with athletes. With her help I did manage to get back on stage and play like I did before I met him, even better, but I will always be embarrassed that I actually allowed some jerk to take one of the most precious things to me away from me for a while. It can happen even without you realizing it. It sneaks up on you, and then one day you try to rely on your stength for something, and realize you dont' have it anymore. All that's left are the cruel, abusive words said by some chauvanistic, insecure jerk who mistakenly gave your heart to when he didn't deserve to have it in the first place. Please just don't do that. Don't take one more day of being talked to or treated like that. Find the strength to love yourself enough to say "I will not subject myself to this anymore" and put on your walking shoes and keep walking, honey. Please. For all of us who wish we had.

 
Old 08-29-2008, 09:56 AM   #5
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Re: What would you think if someone told you

He's bad news. This is the beginning of a verbally abusive and manipulative relationship. He calls you names. He tells you that you are to blame because you want to "be in control". There is absolutely NO respect here on his end. He may love you but he definately does not respect you. And yes, the men that do this typically were brought up thinking that speaking to people like this is okay. He won't change which is why he is actively trying to change you.

If you haven't done so already DUMP HIM! He is not worth your time. You are far to smart and independant to be with a neanderthal like him!

 
Old 08-29-2008, 10:05 AM   #6
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Re: What would you think if someone told you

Thank you LLM. You are very wise and I see you are speaking to me from experience. I shouldn't go back for more, in the long run I will only be wasting my time and hurting myself more.

I just think he is grown and he should know better as to how to treat and speak to someone, it is ridiculous. Also, when I call him, he says yeah what? What kind of answering is this??? He doesn't have an ounce of cooth......

 
Old 08-29-2008, 10:29 AM   #7
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Re: What would you think if someone told you

You know, in working my way through this bad relationship and tough time in my life, I also had a thought, that not only did I NOT have dignity for myself in how I conducted myself in the relationship, begging, pleading, explaining, talking till I'm blue in the face, but it occured to me that I also didn't have dignity for him, as odd as that may sound. I spent two years basically teaching him that it's ok to treat someone like that. You can stand there all day long and TELL him it's not ok, but all he sees is, "well, she's still here. It can't be that bad or she'd be gone." Truth is, I think my ex would have had a LOT more respect for me if I had just told him to get stuffed and walked out and never looked back. Whining, crying, showing him how hurt you are, talking, explaining, complaining, nagging, none of it works at all. And you are NOT doing him any favors by showing him it's ok to behave the way he behaves, when it most certainly is NOT. Have some dignity for him as a human being and SHOW him he needs to mend his ways, and htat you hope someday he will change in time to not end up alone forever. But you don't do that by staying. You do that by walking away, and letting him know calmly, clearly and rationally exactly WHY you are walking away. After that, it's up to him to decide to cling to his dyfunctional upbringing and funky ideas about women, or to grow up and learn from losing you. It's in his hands, not yours. Trust me. Why as why? IT's time to stand up for you, and for what a healthy relationship is, and what it isn't, and time to stop treating him like a little boy who needs to be schooled and instructed. He isn't. He must figure out his own life lessons for himself. Without using you as a verbal punching bag in the process.

 
Old 08-29-2008, 10:32 AM   #8
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Re: What would you think if someone told you

My ex-husband, right after I married him, told me "I'm the husband. You're just the wife. I'm in charge". Notice I said EX-husband...

He will not change and suddently start respecting women, or you in particular. It's ingrained in him to regard women as second (or lower) class citizens. He thinks since you are female that you can't possibly have anything of value to offer.

Again, he WILL NOT change. You can change, by leaving and finding someone who appreciates women, and specifically, you.

 
Old 08-29-2008, 11:01 AM   #9
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Re: What would you think if someone told you

you all sound just like my inner voice...leave, run don't walk. I know. He is away now for about 10 days visiting his family out of state. Florida. Ok...so I keep telling myself..think about this whole thing, don't obsess, just think.


I have told hm while he is away to take a good look at how his sisters are treated by their husbands and how his brother treats his girlfriend. See if they are being so mean and disrespectful. His answer to this was...well, they have children. What does that mean? You only have respect for a woman if she has a child with you? C'mon.....

My thought is and maybe I have it all wrong (I don't think so) is that you have a relationship with someone, full of respect...respect is way up there. Then you move on to try to see if you can have a future together......then the children come...but the respect is the foundation???? Am I wrong? I don't think so. Could someone really be this ignorant ad think he is correct?

He called me names before......as he has done to many. I also did not speak to him for 3 months...yes 3 months. He says it was only 3 weeks..I say 3 months. Anyway, that is when he said..whta happened to you. You just disappeared. I remember this and that, and I miss you, etc. I thought he had changed??? Oh well....

Give me the strength. I know he is a good person..honest and decent on the inside....however, he is too rough around the edges and his skin is too thick for me. Oh...he has told me that I cry...that I should grow thicker skin. Nice eh? Also, he can't focus on more than 1 thing at a time. If he is with his family he doesn't think about me. If he is with me vice versa. What is up with that? I can juggle many things.

Ah........I know you are all right...I know it. I don't know why I keep going back for more. Could I really care for this person or maybe I don't want to be alone. I am stronger though, I feel it.

 
Old 08-29-2008, 11:11 AM   #10
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Re: What would you think if someone told you

Speaking to you as he does is not "rough around the edges". Rough around the edges would be if he burped after drinking a cola, or if he left his napkin on the table after using it, or didn't shave every day. What he does to you is disrespect bordering on abuse. How is that honest and decent? And "on the inside"? What does that mean...you think he is but just hides it really well?

And I guarantee if you had children with him he'd still treat you the same way, if not worse. And what if you had a daughter? Imagine what she'd learn from your relationship! That it's ok for men to treat women like stupid, worthless, inept third class humans? And she'd go on to a relationship with a man who treats her like yours treats you?

Can you list for me why you care about this man? And not just "I love him". I'd like to know exactly what he does for you that makes him deserve your love and devotion. Because it sounds like maybe he's hoodwinked you into thinking that if you just tried hard enough, you'd be a better woman. HE's the problem, not you.

 
Old 08-29-2008, 11:14 AM   #11
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Re: What would you think if someone told you

Run for your life and don't look back. I am talking from hard earned experience. He will not change, trust me. I am trying hard to get away form a verbal and emotional abuser whom I have been married to for almost 10 years. And, we have 2 children whose birth didn't change anything. He continued putting me down. My husband says also that I am very difficult and controlling. He says also that I am mentally unstable if I try to defend myself against his abuse. It will not get better, it will get worse. My husband is also abusive in non verbal ways. For example, if I try to talk to him, he will pick up the paper and start reading or look through the mail or do something where he shows that he is ignoring me. Please have respect for yourself and leave. Being single is wonderful compared to the nightmare of living day in and day out with an abuser. Abusers systematically tear down your self esteem until there is nothing left and you feel like you can't even leave them because you are not good for anything. In my case, I have given myself a year and within this time frame I will get away from my abuser, you should get away from yours now.
By the way, my husband is also a "decent" man. He is very honest and very polite. He is very likable and sociable and most people like him. Behind all that is a man with low self esteem who has tried to make himself look and feel better at my expense.

Last edited by negot; 08-29-2008 at 11:19 AM.

 
Old 08-29-2008, 11:20 AM   #12
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Re: What would you think if someone told you

Hi Redneon...

You are so very right. I have even told him....how would you feel if someone treated your sisters or your nieces the way you treat me??? I have told him straight up..he is abusive. I don't know why I think I love him...maybe because he isn't a cheat or run around. I've been cheated on before. You know...I think our past experiences can screw us up royally because I am sort of exchanging one bad behavior (cheating) for another (abuse) and say well...it is better when it isn't. I am a good person but not perfect. I am very grounded, don't go guy hioing or bar hoping and I have a good job and take responsibility for my family (mom, etc.). I do the best i can do but lately the stress is getting to me. I am very thin and I am thinking I will never be good enough for anyone...and this is what comes from me being screwed up and very hard on myself. I have to figure out why I just don't walk away and not look back. When I left and walked for 3 months......he came around saying how much he missed me, all the holidays I had for him an how when he was with me he was confident and he felt like his life meant something. He said you have to know I love you. All that crap. Sure that lasted for a few months and we are right back to where we are. He thinks it is a fight for control...I told him just last night...I am in full control of my own life...that's it. This is how it is and has been and will probably always be....a big fight!

Thank you for your responses.

 
Old 08-29-2008, 11:31 AM   #13
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Re: What would you think if someone told you

Nelli..

Thank you too! Your response came through after my last response. I am so sorry for you....I hope you have the courage ans strength to pull yourself through this and let yourself and your children get away from this. You are a mother and responsible for them as well as you. You need to do what is right for them...as well as yourself. Just by showing you are a good mother to us here....shows you are better and deserve so much better. The night before last we had a huge fight...a big one. I told him that i felt so bad about everything and that I want a relationship where there is kindness and respect and that I don't think we have a shot in hell. Well..I vented (but I'm not allowed) and he just went ape ______ so that was the extent of it. The phone was off...he hung up, I left 3 voice mails, he went through the roof, so I swore I wouldn't call him again and we were done.

Well....he called saying all this stuff about how it is me and how I upset him, and how I don't listen when he doesn't want to talk I should just hang up and save it for another time, etc. Whta about me? What about my feelings. He says oh yea..it is all about you. I am selfish, I am this and I am that.

Last night I went home to amessage saying how he is feeling bad and doesn't want to leave like this, etc. I wasn't going to call back. But, 1 hour later I did. we ended up arguing once again. You know, it stinks. It is caios all the time I don't need nor do I want. He is sick from it too......he said he didn't have enough sense to walk away from me, he is having ulcer pains, etc. I feel so bad.......even when he says he isn't out to hurt me or be mean to me, the vicious words come out.......when I say I think we are through he says "good". You know,,,, I am overly sensitive, but he is rude and mean and he hurts me. Then if I cry (cuz I do a lot) he mimicks me with tht stupid voice and says "oh all the pity party crap you are having for yourself". Ugh!

I want to slam him in the head sometimes! LOL!

I need to walk....just need the courage to do so. Alone is better than abused or mismatched. When a door closes a window opens, I keep thinking all these things.

)))))))

 
Old 08-29-2008, 11:31 AM   #14
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Re: What would you think if someone told you

My husband doesn't cheat on me either. He barely even looks at other women. he doesn't beat me. He has no substance abuse, doesn't smoke , doesn't drink at all, doesn't take any kind of drugs. He pays the bills and is a wonderful father. But, my life has been a living nightmare for 10 years because he has been verbally and emotionally abusive. I have given him many chances. I even filed for divorce last year, but changed my mind. Finally 2-3 weeks ago something happened, he was incredibly rude to me and I realized that this person will never change. It was the straw that broke the camel's back and I was finally able to be 100% sure that if I want to save myself, I have to figure out a way to leave the abuser.

 
Old 08-29-2008, 11:42 AM   #15
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Re: What would you think if someone told you

one more thing when this one goes away, i have no idea when he is leaving or coming home...won't give me flight schedules or dates until the day before (like last night). HE says I am controlling. I said well..have a good trip. What can I say. I figure if he calls and see it is him I won't pick up the phone.....let him leave a message. I want the close open relationships I was used to. He told me that I need someone really young that I can mold into what I want them to be.

He is rude....and mean and abusive. I feel so bad when I see other couples so holding hands nd actually having conversations that seem so connected and interested in each other. We aren't. He doesn't give hoot...if I am dead or alive. He is going to get hurt. I told him you had all these other opportunites to get married in the past..yeah I blew it is what is response to me was. Then I said ok...so you think I am just the boobie prze. He said I was the only one he ever considered marrying.

So Nellie can you tell me what your husband did that was incredibly rude?

 
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