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Old 08-29-2008, 10:49 AM   #1
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happymom28 HB User
I need MIL advice

I just want to start by saying that I love my MIL. She has always welcomed me into her family with open arms. From the moment she met my older daughter (not my husband's biological child) she treated her as her own grandchild. We do holidays together. She can't go more than a couple of weeks without seeing her grandchildren (our 2 daughters are her only ones) and she spoils them rotten. Whenever she is sick (she's had numerous health problems) my husband and I always do whatever we can for her (his sister never does a thing). She's a wonderful person except that she seems to think that our finances are her business. You see, she has always done my husband's taxes (this is her line of work) and ours jointly since we've been married. We have always been able to take care of ourselves financially and don't rely on her for anything. His sister, on the other hand, always needs help in one way or another.

So anyway, on to the "issue". My husband has been doing very well in his job. Not so long ago he got me a new car because mine was costing us more money to fix than it was worth. With his salary he has a car allowance so we literally do not pay a dime for my car aside from insurance. Well, his car started having issues and where he is working so much he decided to go out and lease himself a new truck yesterday. We can afford the payments to really it's not a big deal.

My older daughter was talking to my MIL on the phone this morning and started telling her about "daddy's new truck". Then she gets on the phone with me and she's flipping out wondering how he can afford it! She is telling me how "he doesn't understand how $x.xx needs to go into savings every month" and "if he can afford a new car payment then why doesn't he do this" and "why didn't he buy instead of lease that's just stupid" and on and on. She has NO IDEA what he has been making since he changed jobs and we moved. She has NO IDEA what is in our savings. She assumes since I don't work we barely scrape by because her daughter refuses to work and her husband has to work 3 jobs just to make ends meet.

I got off of the phone with her (as politely as I could because I was heated!) and called my husband to warn him. I know a call is coming his way from her about how to "better manage his money". He was busy and really couldn't talk, but he definately sensed the annoyance in my voice. When he called me back he said "well, I'm going to call her and put her in her place" because he's very tired of her butting into our personal business. I then had to ask him not to because I'm going to have to deal with them this weekend and I don't want to deal with the fallout from this conversation (he'll be working so he won't have to hear it).

So I need help!!! I know he should talk to her, but I know if he does it in the heat of the moment no good is going to come of it. I have tried voicing to her in the past that "I don't work, I don't make money, therefore I let him handle the finances" and for some reason she will still come to me about it.

I also want to add that she doesn't only butt in financially, but also in regards to how much my husband works and how we disipline our children (and other things to that affect). To us this just really crosses the line and gets under our skin. I mean, it would be one thing if she were supporting us. If that were the case she could say whatever she wanted and would have every right. But we don't rely on her for ANYTHING and she feels the need to make an opinion about EVERYTHING we do. But when it comes to his sister (the one they help support) she does no wrong and she "hung the moon". Aarrgghh!!!

 
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Old 08-29-2008, 11:21 AM   #2
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Re: I need MIL advice

Unfortunately, that's kind of what mothers and MILs do...I found that both my mother and my MIL still thought of my husband and I as "kids" (in fact, that's how they would refer to us, as in, "the kids are moving to another new apartment!"). So of course, we needed our mothers to "help" point us in the right direction because we were just kids who didn't really know how to manage our lives...<sarcasm> And when we became parents, of course we didn't know how to raise a child, so good thing they were there to guide us! <more sarcasm>

I found that it was easier for us to appear to listen and heed their advice, then just do what we wanted. My mom would scoff at my parenting methods (I didn't believe in spanking and she sarcastically would say, with exaggeration, "oh, she doesn't BELIEVE in spanking!"). It did tick me off, but I knew at the end of the day we were going to conduct our lives as we saw fit and not let anyone influence us.

Sounds like you are still mad about the sister...you kind of have to let that go, since there's nothing you can do about it, and it really doesn't affect you. Right?

 
Old 08-29-2008, 11:50 AM   #3
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Re: I need MIL advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by Redneon82 View Post
Sounds like you are still mad about the sister...you kind of have to let that go, since there's nothing you can do about it, and it really doesn't affect you. Right?
That sister isn't my sister, if that's what you mean. That issue has been put to rest (I haven't dealt with her in weeks and couldn't be happier about it). Yes, his sister irks me, but for good reason. My husband and I are both pretty tired of having to hear this and that about her and then only get criticised for what we do, if that makes sense. She hasn't even met our younger daughter (who is 2 btw) because she won't visit unless there is something in it for her. But I digress from my original topic.

I know this is something that mothers do. I just wish there was a way to "difuse" it. I feel cornered by her having to listen to her rant and rave about things that are none of her business. I don't know. I guess I just needed to vent my frustrations a bit.

 
Old 08-29-2008, 12:01 PM   #4
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Re: I need MIL advice

No, I hear you! I'd used to complain to my husband too! His mom, whom I love dearly, but still...didn't think that junk food was bad for kids, since she fed her kids junk. I caught her feeding my 2 year old son a spoonful of sugar. Yes, straight sugar. She also admitted giving him spoonfuls of butter. Because, she said, he "liked it". Well, of course he did! I was livid...I told her firmly to please stop. I suspect she still would sneak it to him and tell him not to tell Mommy and Daddy...

As far as your finances, I bet she thinks she's helping, but if telling her firmly that you have it handled doesn't work, maybe you can tune her out and think about puppies and daisies and then just go home and do your own thing.

Last edited by Redneon82; 08-29-2008 at 12:02 PM. Reason: because someday, I may learn to type...

 
Old 08-29-2008, 12:06 PM   #5
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Re: I need MIL advice

Hi Happymom. I hope your vent helped. Your MIL sounds like a typical parent; Nine parts great and one part "SHEESH!!". Mine was the same. Every time we bought something or spent a bit of money, she would knit her little brow and say "....well, I suppose if you have the money its OK..." Talk about drizzling on our parade LOL. I fret about my kids getting into financial strife..I mean, one day you are changing their diapers, now suddenly they are handling money. I know better than to butt in tho. As for the loser sister, you know the saying about the squeaky wheel. Sounds like mother is talking her up as much for her own benefit as to try to convince you that she is not so bad. What does she say about you and your husband to the sister? Maybe sister is fuming right now because mom is always praising you to the skies...Ya never know. Sera

 
Old 08-29-2008, 02:57 PM   #6
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Re: I need MIL advice

Hi Happymom,

I honestly think that the reason she is so concerned with your finances is that maybe she is worried that you will get into the same boat as your SIL. Helping out one child constantly can be a strain and she might be concerned that she couldn't do that for your family. Considering how much she has helped her daughter, it then wouldn't seem fair, if you all did get into a bind that she NOT help you out.

I understand completely though that you would become upset. It's no ones business what you have in savings OR the fact that you have a new truck. I suppose I would be tempted to answer her this way: "UNTIL we ask for money or help from you then we consider our familys purchases our own business."

I also know how frustrated it can be to hear things like this from loved ones and have to bite your tongue. Lots of times you have to put up with down right rude and interferring comments because of who is saying them. I consider myself very outspoken, but have stifled myself because I loved the person and didn't want to cause waves when the truth is....coming from someone else that would have gotten a head bitten off!

I think if being forthright with her doesn't stop her "ranting and raving" you might need to let your hubby intervene. It IS his mother and he IS willing to talk with her. Truth be known, he is really the one she should be saying these things too anyway, IF she HAS to say them at all.

I hope despite all this you can enjoy your Labor Day weekend with your family.

Mileena

 
Old 08-29-2008, 03:37 PM   #7
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Re: I need MIL advice

Thanks Sera and Mileena.

Sera,
You do make a great point about what my MIL could be saying to my SIL. I didn't really think of it like that and knowing that she can't have children and we have two and my MIL spoils them rotten I'm sure it does get under her skin. Thank you for helping me see it that way.

Mileena,
I do know it's my husband's place to say something to her, and believe me when I tell you he does. He isn't one to sit back and just let things happen. The thing is, my MIL is a big talker. She will talk to anyone about anything at any time. I almost get the impression that she doesn't even realize how intrusive she is being sometimes. Does that make sense? I guess I will just do my best to change the subject when she brings it up. What else can I do really?

 
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