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Old 08-30-2008, 08:28 AM   #1
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SoLonely HB User
My unclear problem with my fiance

My problem with my boyfriend is unclear……..

An example of whats going on in this scenario that occurred the day before yesterday

I came out the bus and he was waiting for me outside-note it was an hour distance from my place to his area.

He walks quickly in front of me . I wanted to give him a kiss but he ignores it. We walk to a residential area and I ask him if he wants my kiss? I give it to him quickly and we carry on walking. He continues walking ahead of me. Two steps ahead. ‘ lets go to …..’ he says which is an area half way between our places! ‘what I traveled all the way to here because you asked me to! And now ur telling me to go somewhere else !’ I replied.
We carry on walking to the park that I don’t know where it is. Showing me a bad mood. Doesn’t want to talk much and doesn’t even want to hold hands because he claims his friends might see him ! his friend that he never meets or go out with. We reach a lake finally and we decide to stay by it. I ask him to come sit next to me but hes not in the mood. I move next to him and I try to talk but hes totally not in the mood ! he asks me not to put my head on his shoulder and he resists my kisses like if I am a person he doesn’t know. ‘sweety whats wrong with u ? why do u want to ruin this beautiful day?’ I said. ‘ now ur gonna nag? Please stop it’ he replied!

I wondered stop what ?? Iv’e been trying to talk to him since I came but he totally doesn’t want to respond or even look at my face. Does he mean stop talking?, I wondered.

‘ok im not gonna talk if that’s what you want’ I said. ‘lets go to the park, my friends might pass by here any minute’ he said. ‘so what if they saw you? Why do you care about them so much? They don’t care about you ! plus theyr not your friends and you never go out with them or even talk to them !’ I said and was in a bad mood already. ‘all the time-‘my friends, my friends’ will you please care once about me! Care about the people who care about you not the ones who don’t !’ I added.
‘ your up to nagging like always, lets go somewhere else’ he said

we walked all the way while I was behind him. I even stopped for sometime to check if he will notice but he didn’t. When I mentioned at least he should respect a lady a bit he said ‘ for god’s sake stop it’.
It was so hurtful for me to be treated that low. I could never allow it but I thought I should bear it for time being to see the end. Is he gonna feel guilty at all or is he happy this way. After 5 mins I couldn’t bear it anymore and I stopped and said if you want me to go home I will. I didn’t come to walk behind you. He again repeated the same track ‘ please. Don’t {removed} my brain’
I sat down on the side of the street in a residential area and asked said that its ok he can leave alone so I wont make any troubles between him and his friends.
Because of that we started an argument for 10 mins and the scenario was repeated over and over.’ For god’s sake don’t be streetish lets go. I will leave if you didn’t move right now’ he kept on repeating.
I had more than enough that time. Same problem everyday and he accuses me for initiating it every time. I wish he tells me what is it EXCATLY I did so I understand but he doesn’t. Its always same answer ‘ you nag and its my attitude’ what attitude? What is the definition of nagging? Is trying to talk to somebody considered a nag? If I only had another heart or at least a good alternative I wont hesitate a sec to leave him. However, life isn’t as simple as we think it is. I am so lonely and only have him to go out each time I fancy watching a movie or going for a walk or coffee. It’s hard to believe I’m 23, friendly, attractive, easygoing but with no friends! Oh well never mind.
It took me 15 mins in total to decide eventually I should go with him because I’m really not into the mood of fighting. If he wants me to walk behind him, I will. I asked him honestly what is it that’s pushing him away from me this much? He said ‘my big bum’ !! I went into a state of denial! He can’t be honest. We’ve been together for 4 years now and he knows so well that I am dieting and doing it with no stress at all this time. Instead of encouraging me he put me off. How dare him.

It was so hurtful for me to hear that. I don’t have that big bum like he sees it! Two guys smiled at me today and one tried to be extra friendly at the bank today! What does that all mean? I am not a bad looking girl AT ALL! Ok a little over weight, size 16 doesn’t matter! Its nice and curvey and the profe for that is the amount of attention I am getting everyday.
‘fine’ I said. I walked behind him with my tears running on my cheeks, how gentleman he is! I walked right behind him like an idiot till we reached his place. He insulted me so much today. My dignity is more important than his love. I took a box full of paper pins and threw it around his room. I threw cards as well and decided to mess his room up to release my anger. I have never done it before but I did this time. I cried so much when he start using his hands and bent my arm. He bent it twice and held my neck in a way that broke my necklace. I laid on bed and continued crying. He then came to me and apologized. he kissed me but even though he did I promised my self that day I will try my best to leave and will not miss an opportunity if it ever comes. Next time a guy smiles at me ill smile back. Next time a guy asks me out I won’t refuse.

My boyfriend doesn’t want me with him anymore. He wants to break up or stay friends. It is totally fine. I told him yesterday I would leave him as soon as I feel confident I can.
I don’t need a man honestly. I need some good friends. Once I find some I wont hesitate to kick him out of my life. He doesn’t deserve my love or me. What does he want from me after all ?

He checks out girls when I am right next to him and if I complain he tells me that it’s not true and he was looking away or looking but not seeing. Last time was at a restaurant when he kept on staring at the waitress’s bum with her tight jeans. it was right in front of me and he denied it.
She was far less pretty than me, she was even below average in tems of look. The only attractive thing she had was he figure which wasn’t totally perfect from a man’s perspective.
It killed me inside. I felt so helpless and the fire was eating me inside. How could he do that to me? We talked about it at the time but he declined doing any such things.
After we left the place he kept on kissing me all the time. He was kissing my hands, my arms, my lips…etc. he was hugging me so much as well and kept on saying that he loves me.
I no longer understand. He is such a bloody cheater. He has million pictures of naked ladies in his email and he used to keep Kelly brook’s photos in his mobile phone before I figured it out.
You will surprised to know that although he is such a {removed} he doesn’t like sex and thinks lovers shouldn’t make out because it is so dirty!!!!!!
I am so confused!!!! Most if not all the times I beg for it. He stops in the middle just to annoy me or he just refuses and starts asking to do something else.
If sex was a dirty thing god wouldn’t have created it for human beings to keep their existence.
By the way he had a hard time when he was a child. He got raped few times that’s what make me think he rejects it because of that.
I try my best to help him but he’s not willing to put his hand in mine and collaborate.

At the end of the day I love him so much and wish him all the best in his life without me. All I am after is leaving him peacefully. I tried before many times but I couldn’t. I was even more serious than now but it’s not as easy as it sounds. Can anyone help?

Last edited by Moderator BAC; 09-04-2008 at 01:08 PM. Reason: If a word has to be asterisked it is not appropriate for these boards.

 
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Old 08-30-2008, 10:22 AM   #2
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gwoman HB User
Re: My unclear problem with my fiance

Hello SoLonely, You have a lot going on here, I think you need to end this relationship and all this talk about 'for god's sake' really, if anything for the sake of God (if I may) he should hold your hand and be nice, nothing like the way he is treating you. I feel very bad for you and hope you don't waist your time on an hour long bus ride one way to see him. He is treating you bad and if you were a couple he should be proud to be seen with you around anyone including his friends. This 4 year relationship sounds odd, is he married? Was someone at his place? I really wonder why you all did not go there, have you ever been there? It sounds like this bad behavior just started out of the blue, is that true? There are plenty of people out there to be friends with and I am glad you are working on yourself. I too am trying to walk of some pounds, it just feels good to get out and walk, I enjoy going up hills, it really works my legs. Eating healthy makes me feel good physically and about myself.....you could meet someone to walk with in your area perhaps. I hope you are having a better day and I will keep you in my thoughts SoLonely.......G

 
Old 08-30-2008, 11:30 AM   #3
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SoLonely HB User
Re: My unclear problem with my fiance

I love him so much and he tells me he loves me too. He has been nice to me and never cheated to me. Its just getting different now. I no longer know if he truly loves me or loves him self.
I am left with no friends because i have been spending nearly all my free time with his company.
I find it difficult to make new friends. Something pushes people away from me but no body ever said what it is.
This is one of the reasons why I can't leave him at the moment. I simply don't want to stay home alone and get depressed. I like to go out and see the world.

I am a very friendly person, easy going, honest....etc. sometimes i can't express my self properly but that doesn't make me a bad person.

I am just waiting to establish a good friendship and will leave him straight away. Til then i dont know how long it will take.

 
Old 08-30-2008, 11:50 AM   #4
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Re: My unclear problem with my fiance

OMG! This guy does NOT love you no matter what he says! I don't care how well he treats you once he has broken you down and you are crying! This isn't how love is! What kind of man would treat someone he claims to love this way? What kind of man would make a woman walk behind him? What kind of man would stop in the middle of sex to make you beg for it? This man cares nothing at all about you! I will tell you something else.....you will NEVER feel strong enough to get away from him as long as you are allowing him to keep you down!!

EWWW I am so mad!! He is making you think this might even be close to normal.....as you tend to try and excuse some of his behavior. I don't care if he was raped, or mistreated! THAT is no excuse for this kind of treatment!!

The only way you are going to feel better is AWAY from him. Please do it now. Do not talk or see him ever again!! You cannot regain the things he has broken by being with him and waiting until you feel better.....you can't heal while the abuse is still happening! Tell this guy to go screw himself and do it now!!

No one deserves to be treated like a second class citizen and thats how he is treating you! Give it one month away from him and I promise you, you will begin to get back some of the self esteem he has taken away!

Mileena

Last edited by Mileena42; 08-30-2008 at 11:51 AM. Reason: Got so upset, left out words!

 
Old 08-30-2008, 12:11 PM   #5
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SoLonely HB User
Re: My unclear problem with my fiance

Thank you so much for your replies Mileena42 & gwoman. Believe me i am much more angry than you but it's just I have no alternative the time being. Sometimes its easy to say but hard to do. I first need to establish a good friendship with somebody before I leave him. It's not easy to be so alone. Sex doesn't bother me as much as his bad treatment to me. He thinks I am making up things and nothing happened but I am not insain, it was right infront of my eyes. He thinks I have a bad image of him that is not true but the story is completely different.Way different than that. I have done so many things for him but he doesn't appreciate it. I can scarify on the sex as i mentioned before it doesn't bother me much as I don't need a man to get it. However, I can not compromise on being alone. I really need some friends around me to go out with and enjoy life before I leave him.
He's not worth crying over. The years I spent with him is what its worth doing all that for.

 
Old 08-30-2008, 12:38 PM   #6
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gwoman HB User
Re: My unclear problem with my fiance

Hello SoLonely, you are not alone here, we are your friends and I am smiling at you right now and I want you to shine. There are places you can go to meet new people, good people are out there you just need to search and you can't search for them while you are spending your spare time with him. It just wont happen. Do you get out to see the sights? This is a good way to be around people and you might meet someone. There are clubs, social groups, church, just hanging out. What do you like to do? I have a girlfriend who enjoys sports and whether she knows someone or not, she gets involved and meets people there anyway. Crafts are a great way to meet people, go to the market, people are present and will smile at you, I love to do this even if I don't know them. Talk to the butcher and produce guy, get tips on stuff and how to cook something. You can get interaction in many normal everyday places, even if brief, the time is good and fulfilling, I always enjoy it. You may want to go to a counselor for support or a support group for trying to break it off with him. My thoughts, I want better for you and it wont start til you stop seeing him. Please be strong, you are worth it, you deserve better. Do something good for yourself today, get involved with something. This is your fresh start. I will talk to you more......G

 
Old 08-30-2008, 03:01 PM   #7
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SoLonely HB User
Re: My unclear problem with my fiance

Thanks alot for ur tips your so sweet xoxo what you mentioned is something I'm not good at because most of the time i don't know what to talk about. I do talk to people like that however but only the ones I have something to ask :S i wish I could have some friends my age whom i can do usual girlie stuff from talking on the phone, going shopping..etc. I am currently studying at uni but still unable to make any friendships. Most of the time I just want to go home right after my lectures or don't know what to talk about.
Girls at my uni have established good friendships already and they go out together..etc they even travel together. I don't have anybody to travel with. I always wanted to do those things but i guess im not good with social skills. My sisters travel every year with their friends and go out in weekends and have fun.
I stay under the mercy of this guy to take me out. On top of all that he takes me out to the same place everytime. I am sick of it. It's always half way between my place and his. I'm really sick of that road we go to.

 
Old 08-31-2008, 07:13 AM   #8
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happymom28 HB User
Re: My unclear problem with my fiance

I'm sorry, but what a JERK! He has obviously done a number on your self esteem. He doesn't love you. He doesn't respect you. He is BAD for you and your health.

I know you feel lonely, and believe me, that is a normal feeling when you are with a man like him for so long. They just beat you down and make you feel worthless. You don't think anyone could ever love you so you cling to what you have. He knows this and that is why he continues to treat you this way. Does that make sense?

You are a young woman with your whole life ahead of you. You have a great source of support right here on these boards. I suggest that you get out and join a class of some sort (something that may interest you) or do a sport or something. Do something you enjoy that will get you around other people with the same interests and at the same time it will help to build your self worth. Be alone for a while and work on reparing the damage that has been done.

Remember, it is better to be alone and happy then be with someone who makes you miserable. He doesn't deserve you and you deserve a heck of a lot better!

 
Old 08-31-2008, 08:00 PM   #9
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healthseeker HB User
Re: My unclear problem with my fiance

My gosh...he doesn't want his friends to know he has a girlfriend? There are some MAJOR red flags here.

Listen, you keep saying that you need to make a friendship before you leave him....but this relationship IS the reason you don't have friends. That is just an excuse. You can join a charity...doesn't matter which one...that meets once a week or whenever you like. You will be forced to work along with people and will make friends this way. I have done this plenty!

He is ripping your self esteem to shreds and you must get away. The only thing stopping you is you....not him, friendships or anything else. Get away from this miserable person.

 
Old 09-04-2008, 11:45 AM   #10
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JET2008 HB User
Re: My unclear problem with my fiance

Oh my goodness, I am a guy, and can't even imagine not treating a lady with the utmost care and concern at all times. He's not a guy, he's a jerk. It's all in his self-esteem (or lack thereof), and you need to distance yourself from him and realize that there are TRUE GENTLEMEN out there that would be more than willing to open a door for you, shower you with gifts of appreciation, and above all else, allow PDA's to happen (Public Displays of Affection). Sorry, you have a boy and need a man. All my best to you before it's too late.

 
Old 09-04-2008, 11:57 AM   #11
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Re: My unclear problem with my fiance

Quote:
Originally Posted by JET2008 View Post
Sorry, you have a boy and need a man.

He is no man nor boy...he is a monster.

 
Old 09-04-2008, 12:50 PM   #12
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JET2008 HB User
Re: My unclear problem with my fiance

Totally agree!! A jerk comes to mind as well.

 
Old 09-04-2008, 01:21 PM   #13
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Redneon82 HB User
Re: My unclear problem with my fiance

You refer to him as your "fiance". Won't his friends notice that he has a wife? Won't they be invited to the wedding? Or is he planning to marry you in secret and hide you from the world while pretending to be single?

This whole set-up sounds strange. Why do you have to go halfway between your 2 homes? Is he doing that to hide you from his friends? Very very odd...

Why can't you go out on your own? Why can't you go to a library or bookstore alone, get some good books or magazines, and then go to the local coffee house and read? Almost everyone I see at the coffee houses is there alone and reading. Or on their laptops. I like to shop alone, that way I don't feel like I'm making someone wait while I try on some clothes or choose a new lip gloss color.

I think you can do it if you decide you want to. I believe you can.

 
Old 09-04-2008, 02:02 PM   #14
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Ms_ENV27 HB User
Re: My unclear problem with my fiance

Well there are some things to take into consideration. He was raped and with being raped his mentality on relationships and probably about life in general became distorted. He needs counseling now. It sounds like he never got it? I could be wrong.

His behavior is awful. You shouldn't feel you need to put up with it because you have no one else. Like other posters have said, it's just an excuse to put up with his neglect and horrible treatment because you have no friends - you have no friends because you're spending all your time with him. You need to get out - without him - and see what life has to offer because theres a lot out there that you're missing. Stop making excuses to have a better life. He is not what life is about.

No, you shouldn't have to deal with him staring at other woman around you, and him making you think your nagging because he made plans with you, then ignores you and you want to know why. That's him just being weird and crazy and you don't need to put up with that. It is much better to be alone then to be mistreated. Life is so much better than that.

You need to understand sweetie that it's not normal for him to want to hide you from his friends. Warped thinking IMO. Any man would make his partner apart of his life, and friends. Him not wanting to show affection to you in front of his friends is.. well weird. And him thinking making out or sex is dirty most definitely stems from him being raped.

The way he was allowing you to walk behind him for so long is so wrong. He's a control freak. You need to put an end to this relationship, then start healthy friendships.

He just has a lot of issues, and none of them are your fault. Nor will he change any time soon, or ever. You deserve to love yourself more than him. Put YOU first.

Last edited by Ms_ENV27; 09-04-2008 at 02:04 PM.

 
Old 09-04-2008, 08:12 PM   #15
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SoLonely HB User
Red face Re: Should I mess around like he does!

I agree with all of you guys . He is a total jerk no doubt about that but finding an alternative is not an easy job. I've been with many guys before him but left them all because I never felt in love with any. Another issue was that two of those guys couldn't get over their past relationship.
There are many guys out there but I can't choose who to fell in love with because simply I have no control over my emotions :S

Although my current fiancee making my life, I try my best to pay him back whenever possible. I started stepping on my heart and give him headaches whenever he be rude to me. I start complaining for hours till he regrets what he did and say sorry. Believe it or not I am not that weak as it may sound. My weakness is that I can't stop meeting him or decide to leave him and actually do that!
It becomes frustrating sometimes....I love him so much and I have been for the past four years. My love to him keeps growing, I can't stop it :S
The d*** doesn't deserve my love but once I find somebody else and I feel he is a gentleman I will definitely leave my fiancee.

I have stopped so many things I used to do for him. I realised he appreciate so much people who don't give a damn about him and totally disrespect me-when i am the only one who cares about him the most.
I stopped cleaning his place, cooking for him,forgiving him when he misbehave with me and being nice all the time. I start giving him hard time but only the days hes evil to me.
I go to his place and mess up the things. I go home and ask him to come half way with me. If any guy smiled at me, i smile back. If a guy stared at me I smile and I tell my boyfriend about the guys chasing after me. It doesn't bother me anymore. I used to ignore all those people in the past but not anymore! he doesn't deserve it. Anything he can do I can do better! As simple as that. I am not less pretty than any other girl. In fact I am a real hottie and 100% sure if I loose few stones guys will be queuing up for me lol


God I can't stop thinking why does he do these things. He apologised many times since the park incident but the thing is he keeps doing these stuff.
Last night he did a silly thing again-Refused to talk for no reason.I made his life hell for an hour and I brought all the bad memories back of all what he did to me in the past. He regret he upset me and he start apologising and kissing my hands till we reached his place. I told him no matter how much you apologise, I won't forgive you. He can do it as much as you want but I stopped forgiving you ages ago.

I got a text from a guy from uni who I think fancies me. He doesn't have good intentions I can tell but I am thinking of starting to go out with him instead of going with my current boyfriend. Obviously I won't share bed with him but I believe I will feel better about my self if I somehow flirted a bit. Inside me, a burning fire of jealousy. I can't bear it anymore, my boyfriend staring at other girls :=( I think going out with that guy will cool me down a bit....I don't know.........

 
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