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lindsjean · 08-30-2008, 03:10 PM

Hi all,

i am having a "self" relationship issue....I will try to make a long story short and clear as possible....

Growing up was not easy....I was passed along between my aunt and grandmother, b/c my mother was not (for lack of better word) "strong" enough to care for me. My mother was a single mother and has always had a lot of "issues" in her life and took most of her problems out on me. Since her issues consumed her life, she was not able to give good advice to her young daughter (myself). The types of things she would say was "if you can't get a hold of someone, KEEP calling until you reach them.....persistence will get you everything...." she didn't tell me that persistence is pushy; pressure breaks pipes and may make someone do something that they don't won't to do..... Also she showed my how to manipulate people to get what I want. She showed me how to "be a victim" and tears could get me anything that i wanted.....

anyways all these negative things moved into my adult life....i was a manipulating, conning, negative person and I just started to change that a couple of years ago. Even though my actions hurt a person that i really loved i am trying to be a "better person" and learn from my mistakes....

So there are a couple of reasons why I have posted this information and asking for you guys to reply:

1) i want to do things different from my mother and sometimes i find myself slipping back into my old ways....how do you suggest i delete my bad actions for good?

2) my mother tries to give me advice that makes no sense what so ever and she does silly things....it is IRRITATING!

e.g. she will call my phone 10x's in a row and will leave eight msgs.....or i will tell her i am walking into the gym and she will ask if she can come to the gym to get some money from me....

the woman is 54 yrs old and she calls her 24 yrs old daughter weekly to get money! what!

(i want to stop talking to my mother, but i feel sorry for her b/c she doesn't have any friends)

3) since i am used to getting my way, it is sometimes hard when i don't get my way or do something that "nice" people wouldn't normally do.

for example: the other night some friends and i went out to a movie...after that i wanted to get a drink. the people i was with rather of did something at home, but i insisted we go out for a drink. the place turned out to not be so great and the guy i was with said "r u happy now that you've gotten your way?" then my friend wanted to sit down at the bar....so i went up to some strange guy and asked him if he could get up so my friend could sit down.... who in the heck does this???

he did get up, but the people i was with felt sorry for the guy and bought him a drink to mend for my rudeness.

this is the bratty part about myself that i want to change....

anyways i will stop her b/c my letter is getting long....any advice or awareness issues that i need to be aware of please post. i would be most grateful!

Linds

negot · 08-30-2008, 11:37 PM

Hi Linds, the fact that you are aware of your problems and want to change them and better your life is a huge step in the right direction. Most people in your shoes wouldn't even know that there is a problem.
I read recently that in order to change things you don't like about yourself you can in the evening before going to bed, replay the situation you were in, but are not happy with how you acted and think about how you will act in the future if a similar situation comes up.
Do it every evening and you can change your behavior, step by step.
I have to say that I give you a lot of credit for trying to deal with self issues. A lot of people point their finger and blame others, but you take responsibility for your actions.
Instead of blindly repeating your mother's pattern, you are able to see her actions and you choose to become different from her.
There are a lot of books and audio books out there on self improvement. I read a lot of those myself.

pendulum · 08-31-2008, 08:14 AM

I'm taking some excerpts from your letter:

Growing up was not easy: Actually, it never is, but to me it seems that you have done most of it by now, so that means in principle you are a resourceful person. It also means that, deny it as you may, you have at certain points of your life, got some support, either emotional or material. You haven't walked alone (nobody can grow up entirely alone), although you may argue that you didn't always have the best company. You may have things to complain about, but you probably also have things to be thankful for.

she was not able to give good advice to her young daughter. She gave what she had to give. Maybe she thought she was giving useful advice. The problem is that children don't usually listen to their parents' advice. In most cases, it goes into one year and out of the other, even if it is good advice. Sometimes it is.

persistence will get you everything You know better than her now. You can improve on or qualify the matrix she gave you: persistence is a great tool, as long as it doesn't turn into stubborness. See, you don't have to throw her advice in the dustbin. You can as it were recycle it. (Have you ever heard about Lavoisier?)

anyways all these negative things moved into my adult life....i was a manipulating, conning, negative person and I just started to change that a couple of years ago Do you mean to say that your mother and other adults in your life were the sole responsible for this? A fairer statement would recognize a series of factors leading to that, including your own personality (or your astrological sign, if you believe in these things).

how do you suggest i delete my bad actions for good Is this possible, to begin with? I doubt it. I am somewhat skeptical of saintlyness. I think you can minimize your bad actions (although what you call "bad" can be thought of "good" by someone else or in a different context), or, what is preferable, you can in most cases rectify your wrongdoing. This may require feedback from others, patience, discipline, and humility.

the woman is 54 yrs old and she calls her 24 yrs old daughter weekly to get money If she is really starving, then it'd be ok to help her as much as you can, until she can walk on her own. If that's not the case, then you could perhaps help her find a job that is fit for her condition. She must be kept busy and find some reward in what she does. Do you think this would be too difficult?

this is the bratty part about myself that i want to change.... I know people who have become softer after realizing that their tough or bratty ways were just the most ineffectual form of self-assertion. This doesn't mean becoming a sheep, but learning to use your persuasion or force rather than your aggressiveness in such a way that the least side-effect is generated. As for your not getting your way, try to develop your sense of humour. A failure is not only frustration, but also the opportunity to learn (again) and an incentive to do better next time around.

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