This is not a major issue, but I would like to get some opinions whether I should pursue the following friendships or let go of them. I feel like I have been too hard on people in the past and have let go of friendships too quickly and now I want to be more tolerant and give people a chance. On the other side, I don't want to feel like I am pursuing people.
My son's 8th birthday is coming up and I am wondering if I should invite a few families that I got to know through my son.
1. This is a couple that I like. She is very reserved and hard to connect with, but I like her. He is very talkative and likable. Their son is the same age as my son and the kids like each other although they don't connect that well. I have invited them to my kids' parties every year. The last 2 times they flaked out. Once they rsvp'd that they will come, they never showed up, nor gave me an explanation why. The last time they never rsvp'd at all. This is very unlike her as she is very "on top of things". After these two flake outs, she contacted me once and also sent me an email for Merry Christmas which was the last contact we've had. They used to invite us to all their parties for their son except for the last one. His birthday was in April and we never received an invitation. Should I invite them or let go? (I suspect that they have problems, marital or other that she won't share with me).
2. This is also a couple that I like. They have 2 kids the same ages as my kids. All the kids get along. I have invited them to all parties for my kids and they have invited us. I just found out through somebody that they recently had a party for their son and didn't invite us. I felt very disappointed. This was not an oversight because I had emailed her just a week before the party to ask her about something. I have no idea why we weren't invited. Should I invite them or would it be pursuing them?
3. This is a woman who is separated from her husband and lives alone with her 2 kids. My kids and her kids get along. I like her for the most part, but there are things about her that I don't like. She is extremely money oriented and a lot of her conversation is about how much things cost. She has a highly paid job and her husband earns an almost 7 figure salary. They are wealthy. We are in a very different financial situation. This wouldn't bother me if she didn't constantly talk about money and what she has and how much her house costs. I want to mention that she is from a different part of the world and I don't know how much of this is a cultural issue.
Another thing that bothers me about her is that I told her some very personal things about myself and my marriage. She told me herself that she had told "Mary" about my personal business. At the same time she told me personal things about "Mary" that "Mary" had shared with her. I felt very let down when I found this out, especially as "Mary" and I know each other and now I know her personal business and she knows mine. Is this a friendship worth pursuing or should I let it go? I haven't had contact with this woman for several months, but now with my son's party coming up, I wonder if I should invite her and her kids and give her another chance. I happened to run into her recently and it was apparent to me that she would like to resume the friendship. She said that she would like to get together at some point.
As I said, I have been too hard on people in the past. It is hard for me to determine what is acceptable in human relationships and what is not. When should you let go of people and when should you continue trying? I am wondering mostly for the sake of my kids. I want to teach them what is the right thing to do. My son is asking me if I am going to invite the kids mentioned above to his party.
Last edited by negot; 08-31-2008 at 03:23 AM.
Nelli, I am not answering your question about whether you should pursue those friendships or not. Not only this is a difficult question to answer and it may require more input from you, but also I am not sure if these are real friends, potential friends or simply relationships.
Since this is your son's birthday party and he is possibly waiting for you to invite those children, do so for his sake. You will possibly be too busy with getting things done to interact or socialize with these adults at the party, anyway.
Yes, I am probably putting too much thought into this. These are potential friendships of mine and I am not sure if I should pursue these people or not. Sometimes I feel like I am giving up on people too soon, but no the other side I don't want to pursue people either.
This is my son's party though and he gets to decide whom he wants to invite.
Thanks for the replies.
Hello Nelli, I am so much like this and I have discovered that I would rather be around people and in the mess of life than not. People are immature and will come along at their own rate, all are learning, growing and being. We need to be, we don't have to stay around abuse, but a lot of the behavior you are describing is annoying and immature, being around you and your grace sheds light on this behavior and helps people along in their journey. I often look at a calm, cool and collected woman and will imitate her behavior and learn her grace so that I too will grow and be more desirable, even in friendship. It is good for you not to withhold your presence from someone, they need to see you and be around you as life goes on. Any bad feelings I get I lift to God until they go away, I can't handle bad feelings, mixed feelings, uncertainties, bad behavior (like gossip) and the such, I mean I can't handle these things by myself and I don't. Dealing with it takes time, but I find that it is worth it to be able to be around others, we all mingle, I am speaking about our whole being, we affect each other, you don't just have a sixth sense, it is real, even when you can't put your finger on something, something exists none-the-less. I am sensitive to the people around me and sense things deeply all the time, needs, wants, desires, hardship, hurt/pain, mostly I pray, I have to.
It is so good to hear from you and I just know that you will have a great day, accept people and who they are, for you too want to be accepted for who you are. No one is perfect. I hope you have a great blessed day, I am 45 today.....yeah me.....G
I think this is a question that we all can relate to...I certainly can and I know that I can be very over sensitive and hard on people (It comes from being burnt before). I think all the comments given so far are important.
My comment is about the women of the first couple you mentioned. You say that she appears very on top of things - from personal experience and from observing my friends I would guess that maybe, just maybe, she is the one who really needs your friendship the most. The reality may be very different behind closed doors. A friend of mine, who was in control of every aspect of her life, recently ended up in hospital due to having a breakdown, very few people saw it coming.
Last edited by AliceT; 09-02-2008 at 08:52 PM.
Alice, I think you are right. Nobody knows what goes on behind people's closed doors. Some people are not good about reaching out and asking for help. I used to be like that, very private about my problems, but now I am able to be more open about it.
I've just read this thread, and I have to tell you I've been there too. My kids are now teenagers so they completely decise who is coming and who is not, BUT . . . . . . . . . . . during the time of all the 'little kiddy parties' the competition was on between the kids (well actually it was their mothers) about who had the 'best birthday party' and 'who was [n't] invited'.
With 20/20 hindsight, I'd have to say that YOU should INVITE who you LIKE, as kids are just so so so fickle taht they're friends today, foes tomorrow, and pals again by Saturday.
It's not the kids you've got to be wary of, but those darned competitive yummy mummy's. "They're dangerous - beware" Standback or loose a limb . . . .lol.
Waratah, I can't wait until my kids become in charge of their friendships. Now, it is more up to me and there is definitely a lot of competition going on. In the situation I described, I have invited the first two families, but not the last one.
In response to friends # 1 and # 2. Go ahead and invite them. If they don't show then let them be. You can make so many attempts at trying to be friends. As for friend #3. Go ahead and invite her too but let her know that you would like to talk to her one on one. Arrange to have lunch one day. Let her know how you feel and how she lost your trust. Explain to her your differences and how different you are and how it makes you feel when she rambles on about her lavish life style. From that point she either changes or she doesn't. Which ever choice she makes just keep one thing in mind, don't tell her anything you don't want the neighbors and channel 5 news to know.