Join Date: Aug 2008
| | I feel lost...boyfriend is the cause?
I need relationship advice,because I have completely lost touch with my emotion and this may help a bit.
I met him 8 months ago and we were both going through traumatic events in our lives (parents' divorce, within a day of each other) and we had everything in common, so we seemed perfect for each other. I thought it was cute that he wanted to see me everyday, he was a bit broke, of course I paid for him. All i would do was hang out with him, including on weekends, we would party together and I would bring my friends along.
Of course my friends got sick of it, and they stopped coming out. Then school ended, and he decided he would stay living where I lived, because he's not from around here, only for university. For 10 days we went to his hometown, and I realized I was in love with him there and then because I loved everything about him, just from seeing where he grew up, his famiy, friends, etc. I left on a trip to Europe for 12 days after that, and we would literally be in contact everyday. I was addicted to him, I always thought about him, and I needed to talk to him everyday.
WHen I got hoem, he leased a room, which was cute that he was going to pay to stay with me. Unfortunately, he never stayed at his place and slept at my place everynight. 3 months passed. He lived with me this entire summer. He got a job, and I would be a nice girlfriend and wait until he came home and then he was usually exhausted so I would spend time with him. Then i got a job. The hours were tedious. I was stressed. However, he met some of my old guy friends and because very close with them, and started hanging out with them more and more, having them at my house behind my back and lying to me about it. He would want to hang out with them everytime I came home from a 12 hour shift, no matter how tired I was. I still hadn't seen any of my friends. To be honest, I never wanted to go out at night with him and them, I absolutely forced myself to go out and have fun with them. I used to always want to go out and party.
So then we started fighting about absolutely everything and anything. He would always say " you do this, you do that" etc. The truth of the matter is, communication was broken because all it was blaming. Nothing would ever get resolved. We were spending way too much time together.
Now it is august, and I feel completely lost inside. I don't feel in touch with my emotions at all. He went back home for a week, and I told him I could not go back with him because we needed space, desperately. He started crying because he thought I was breaking up with him, and he said that if he lost me he wouldn't know what to do with his life. Anyway, he got over me not wanting to come, he just had an uneasy feeling about me breaking p with him I guess.
So he went away for a week, and I felt so good. I missed him a bit, and we talked everyday. I worked, didn't have one stress on my mind about him hanging out with all my old friends, and I started seeing some of my girlfriends more and more.
He came home last night, and I was happy at first, until he did not want to go hang out with my friends, although I made plans for us to go out and have fun. We end up staying in. I fell asleep on the couch next to him at one point, and he took my cell phone and read all my text messages. Some text messages were to my guy friends just venting about my boyfriend, saying that I'm not sure if i'm happy or not. He wakes me up yelling at me, and I had nothing to say because it was true that I was badmouthing our relationship.
He is a very egotistical, needy, momma's boy kind of guy, who is very spoiled and always expects something. He always tells me "when was the last time you did something for me", and we argue about who pays for what, although I pay 60% of the time. He always yells about guys talking to me online saying how guys ar ein love with me, and how I act like a single girl. He wants all the fun, and none of the responsibilities. He wants me to be perfect, when he is imperfect himself. In terms of the sex we have, I haven't felt like i've enjoyed it, in a long time.
And now I find myself typing this out, because I have no idea what I'm feeling anymore. When he was gone I missed him alot, and now that hes home i just don't know. I can't get out of bed, I feel miserable.
Although he is moving to his own place, I think the relationship has been destroyed, after 7 short months. The past 7 months I have lost myself.
I have thoughts about breaking up with him every single day, but then I just think about how much I would miss what we had and how i'd be awfully jealous of his future girlfriends. It is almost like I'm addicted to him.
We've said our I love you's, and I just feel like I don't mean it anymore when I say it to him back, but maybe its just me being depressed and unhappy. I just can't seem to let go of him although I know I should.
I apoligize if this post seems like a ramble, making little sense at all, i'm typing out how I feel right now.
I just need help, I feel so lost.