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Old 09-01-2008, 10:40 AM   #1
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He's married and I feel bad

I met a man four months ago. At the time he had been separated from his wife for over a year. We dated with the understanding that he was still legally married. Well about a month ago, he told me that he was considering reconciling with his wife for the sake of his children. I know things should have ended then but they did not. We remained in contact. He began coming over to my house because they would argue and he would just want to get away. I allowed these sleepovers. Most of the time, he would just watch tv in the den and then leave. The routine was I would go to bed and he would be gone by the time I woke up in the morning.

I made excuses and convinced myself that I was helping their marriage by keeping the stress down. If he was happy, he could go home and be with her in peace. I know it sounds even crazier as I type this.

Anyway, last night he fell asleep and ending up spending the entire night with me. He woke up and blamed me allowing him to fall asleep. The problem is I was asleep before him I never knew he was asleep and was surprised to find him here with me this morning.

Now I feel terrible. I know it wasn't the best idea to allow him to come over here like that with our history. This morning though I really felt bad for his wife and my part in the situation. I never felt bad about what we were doing until today.

How do I get out of this situation? I really care about and love this man. How do I get out without breaking my heart?

 
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Old 09-01-2008, 11:49 AM   #2
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Re: He's married and I feel bad

Get out yesterday! This man has his cake and icecream at the same time. Just walk away. He BELONGS to another. I use to be young and foolish tooo, hoping and believing that he would leave his wife....NO No NO.

 
Old 09-01-2008, 12:05 PM   #3
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Re: He's married and I feel bad

"How do I get out of this situation? I really care about and love this man. How do I get out without breaking my heart?"
Have you heard the saying...'just say NO'? You broke your own heart so I am pretty sure you will get over it with time...I don't think a little suffering on your part is a very big price to pay for trying to take someones husband? You had absolute control over this situation so I am guessing you also know how to get out of it?

 
Old 09-01-2008, 12:06 PM   #4
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Re: He's married and I feel bad

Apparently, that was very inconsiderate of him: to blame you for allowing him to fall asleep. I am afraid he badly needs an alarm watch/clock for these cases.

I hate to say this, but I think this man is simply using you. You should feel bad primarily about this.

You may love and care for him, but you should care for yourself, too. He seems to be taking advantage of your kindness while keeping you satisfied (?) with a few crumbs.

If you don't stop this now - however hard and painful it is - you will suffer a lot more with your procrastination. He will probably dump you as soon as he finds his way back to his family, or maybe he will keep coming over to you one or two evenings in the week. Do you want this?

You get out of this by asking him out. Breaking up with him won't break your heart literally, but rather will give you the freedom to choose better and will open your eyes as to an insensible use of your kindness.

Ask him to give you back the keys, will you?

 
Old 09-01-2008, 12:59 PM   #5
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Re: He's married and I feel bad

You are right, the clue to end it was when he said he is trying to reconcile with his wife. It was only a month ago. Tell him is it over under these circumstances...the original understanding (he was separated) has changed.
A four month relationship should be easy to put behind you. Don't let him string you along. It will just get harder, wasting YOUR time.

 
Old 09-01-2008, 03:37 PM   #6
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Re: He's married and I feel bad

How in the world can he truly reconcile with his wife when he's always running to you, a woman he (used to?) have/has a romantic connection to? He's doing himself, you, his wife, and his kids a severe disservice by sitting on the fence like he is. Kids deserve more security than what he's giving them. If he wants out of his marriage, then he needs to get out of it. If he wants to mend it, then he needs to mend it and stop running to you whenever the going gets a little rough. You may not be able to get out of this unhurt, but that's the risk you took when you chose to date a man who was "separated." Separated means "still married." You need to tell him that he needs to either seriously work on his marriage or end it, one way or the other. Either way, tell him he needs to deal with his marriage and his wife and stop hiding out at your place. You are not running a refugee camp for discontented husbands, and that's what he's using you for. It needs to stop, and it's up to you to stop it. You were strong enough to get yourself into this. You need to be strong enough to get yourself out.

 
Old 09-01-2008, 07:38 PM   #7
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Re: He's married and I feel bad

Yes everyone - I know it was wrong to date a married man. However that part has already happened. Please know that I am not having a pity party for myself because I knew what I was risking. I met a man who seemed decent, charming, funny and made me feel smart, good and sexy. Isn't that what we all are looking for? I didn't start the criteria with "and he must be married".

I came to the boards because I wanted to express myself at a time when I was most confused. I never considered the wife in all this. I only thought of myself. I was dating for fun and not expecting to develop feelings for this man as I did. I knew he was separated but the background story gave me a false sense of security.

So please forgive me for being foolish, for being human and making a mistake. I have myself to deal with. In spite of my own words, I am already hurting. Believe it or not, I hurt for the wife that I never met because although the logical side of me knows exactly what is happening; the emotional side is hurting.

Thank you all for your comments.

 
Old 09-01-2008, 08:42 PM   #8
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Re: He's married and I feel bad

No, I don't think you were foolish, just maybe hoping for more than what was there. We've all done that in some way or another. The hard part now is that your heart and feelings are involved now, and it's hard to just walk away.

But keep in mind, that you really do have more power than you might think or feel that you do. It's not just his decision that you have to sit and wait for. You can take control of your own life at any time and decide that you don't want this for yourself. It's a shame that he didn't deliver what he promised at the start, but now you can choose whether do accept what he's able and willing to give you or not. Hang tough.

 
Old 09-02-2008, 04:19 AM   #9
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Re: He's married and I feel bad

I beg your pardon if somehow my words made you appear to be foolish. In fact, you were in such a position that you were unable to see or predict the future. That could have happened to anyone of us on here. In other words, you simply got carried away. Fortunately, nothing too serious happened, in my opinion, and now you can walk away. Your pain is real, but won't last for ever.

 
Old 09-02-2008, 05:21 AM   #10
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Re: He's married and I feel bad

I think that this sort of thing happens a LOT! Just let it be a lesson to anyone reading this that if someone is serious about wanting a divorce then they WILL GO AND FILE for divorce. If they haven't filed then that means that they aren't ready to get go and move on yet.

Something once happened to me with a man that was "getting a divorce"...he made it seem to me as if he was already divorcing and everything was done with the "ex" and only to find out that he had not even gone and filed for a divorce...I cannot tell you how angry I was when I found out that the {removed} had not even as much as filed for a divorce and had the nerve to be pursuing ME! I absolutely let him know right then that that was NOT acceptable!

Last edited by Moderator BAC; 09-02-2008 at 12:34 PM. Reason: If a word has to be asterisked it is not appropriate for these boards.

 
Old 09-02-2008, 05:46 AM   #11
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Re: He's married and I feel bad

Quote:
Originally Posted by SweetHome View Post
How do I get out of this situation? I really care about and love this man. How do I get out without breaking my heart?
Unfortunately there really is no way out without breaking your heart. That's the way it goes when you get involved with a man who isn't free to be your's and only your's.

The best (and probably hardest) thing for you to do is tell him you are done with him. Tell him that you can no longer be a part of what he is doing to his wife. Threaten to tell his wife (not tell, just threaten to) if he refuses to leave you alone. Once you've told him you need to cut off ALL contact with him. That means calls, texts, emails, etc.. Absolutely NO contact from him. This is the only way you are going to get over him and heal yourself to move on to a healthier relationship. As an added bonus maybe he will wise up and either work on his marriage or divorce (I wouldn't hold my breath for any hope of helping him though).

I know it will be hard, but this is the right thing to do for everyone involved. In the future, remember one thing. When a man says he is "separated" that almost always means he is looking for something extra besides his wife. Reconcilling or staying for the kids is the oldest line in the book for a man who wants a wife and a mistress. A "real" man would divorce the woman he didn't love any more and allow her to move on with a man who respects her. Does that make sense? Good luck!

 
Old 09-02-2008, 07:25 AM   #12
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Re: He's married and I feel bad

how do you get out of it?
it's very simple.....but only if you're willing to listen.....
stop opening up the door......
stop letting him in.....

 
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