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Old 09-01-2008, 05:03 PM   #1
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Question Guy I'm seeing cheated on his ex with me, never told her!

The guy I'm currently seeing, well talking to, hanging out with, whatever, was the guy I lost my virginity to. We were madly in love but he had to go away for a few months and I ended up cheating on him by making out with someone else. I broke up with him because I figured if I cheated on someone, it's not meant to be. I was 18 at the time and a freshman in college.

Well, 6 years later we ran into each other (in January of this year) and still had a crazy bond/chemistry, talked for hours and caught up. He said he had a child with his current girlfriend and we said goodbye.

Then he contacted me on Myspace and from there we began hanging out and eventually had sex. I kept saying, I cannot do this and I stopped it. We continued to hang out and NOT have sex. He wouldn't break up with her because they had the child and they lived together, he said it had to be a process so things wouldn't get out of hand since they had a child together. He wanted me to wait for him while he went through this process. He told me that he would give her an ultimatum and if she didn't fix things then he would have to leave her.

Well, I didn't like being the "other woman" so I told him I couldn't talk to him anymore but he begged me to stay. I deleted his number and when he called or texted I would tell him to leave me alone. We stopped talking the VERY end of February. I moved in March and it turns out that he and his girlfriend moved there also end of May. He and I began hanging out again beginning of July. He and his girlfriend have broken up but he still lives with her and their child. He wouldn't tell me where he lived for fear that I would just show up to his house and wild out or something.

When she's there, he's not. If she sleeps there, he sleeps somewhere else. I just found out today that she still doesn't know that he cheated on her. Also, they broke up beginning/mid June. Had moved in very end of May and were still having sex. Had a big fight apparently and broke up. Yet all this time in between seeing him in January/February then in July he had been asking me to hang out! He's afraid to tell her that he cheated on her for fear that she will take his child from him and not allow joint custody. Also, he's been going through a lot recently because his dad was homeless and lost in another state and has dementia.

I love him, but I'm so scared. So many red flags, what do I do?

 
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Old 09-01-2008, 05:29 PM   #2
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Re: Guy I'm seeing cheated on his ex with me, never told her!

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Originally Posted by dryNscaly View Post
. He and his girlfriend have broken up but he still lives with her and their child. He wouldn't tell me where he lived for fear that I would just show up to his house and wild out or something.
Honey, this is the oldest line in the book. He hasn't told you where he lives because he doesn't want you finding out that they aren't as broken up and he wants you to believe. Where does he sleep when she's "home?" And why can't he move there permanently? Are you sleeping there with him? If not, what do you have besides his word as proof that he's really not still sleeping in her bed? And why does he ever have to tell her he cheated on her with you? Especially if she can use it to keep his child away from him. So, he's pulling this "I can't leave until I come clean about cheating, but I can't ever come clean because she'll use it against me." So he has a nice excuse to keep you in limbo indefinitely.

You are still the other woman. He needs to consult a family law attorney and get his rights regarding his child protected and move out and get on with his life IF that's really what he wants to do, but I'm not convinced it is. IN the meantime, you are squandering your youth on someone who is not free to be yours, and possibly missing out on a great guy who you won't have to share and who wants to be all yours and no one else's.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 09-01-2008 at 05:32 PM.

 
Old 09-01-2008, 05:51 PM   #3
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Re: Guy I'm seeing cheated on his ex with me, never told her!

Well, she has no place to go, she's financially unstable and he's helping her out until she can save enough money to get her own place.

I actually figured out where he lives and I told him and he was disappointed that I couldn't wait for him to tell me but he thought it was funny at the same time.

He sleeps at his friend's house in a city nearby, or he sleeps over at my house, on days that she's home.

Is it ok to not tell her if he is fearful that she'll keep their child away from him?

 
Old 09-01-2008, 06:14 PM   #4
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Re: Guy I'm seeing cheated on his ex with me, never told her!

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Originally Posted by dryNscaly View Post
Well, she has no place to go, she's financially unstable and he's helping her out until she can save enough money to get her own place.

I actually figured out where he lives and I told him and he was disappointed that I couldn't wait for him to tell me but he thought it was funny at the same time.

He sleeps at his friend's house in a city nearby, or he sleeps over at my house, on days that she's home.

Is it ok to not tell her if he is fearful that she'll keep their child away from him?

Well, I just don't see what good would come out of him telling her, if he's not doing it to come totally clean with her in order to build a new foundation to try again with her, which he claims not to want to do. What purpose would it serve except to hurt her even more than she's been hurt? There's really no point in doing that.

Just wondering, why can't YOU spend the nigt over there when she's not there? He's still trying to hide you from her. If it were me, I simply wouldn't stand for being someone's dirty little secret.

Does he have any kind of time line of when she can be financially stable enough to be on her own? Again, something indefinite, something that can go on for years if he lets it.

The time has come when he needs to decide with whom his loyalties lie, with her or with you. He can't continue to provide for and protect her as though she's his SO and start something real with you at the same time. The time will come when he's going to have to move forward and move out for good, sell the house they share and split the money with her or buy her out and let her keep it and give her a definite time when she will have to start paying the rent/mortgage. He can agree on a monthy stipend to help her out if he can, get custody settled, through the courts if need be, and get on with it. I can understand him not quite being ready to do that, as they've only been broken up a couple of months, but I don't think I'd be investing my heart in him and sharing a bed with him until he's at least made a plan to get all this stuff resolved. He's just not emotionally available right now. At this point he could decide to do almost anything - go back to her, leave both her and you and start completely fresh, whatever. Proceed with extreme caution.

 
Old 09-01-2008, 06:36 PM   #5
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Re: Guy I'm seeing cheated on his ex with me, never told her!

He told me that he wants to eventually introduce me to his child, so that's one reason I cannot go over there. Number two, his father is there and he sort of has dementia/paranoid delusions and he doesn't want to have to explain things to his father about what's going on because his father is driving him crazy as it is.

He and his ex share a company and he's working a lot this next month in order to help her become financially stable and independent. His plan is to work this whole month to help the company out which in turn would help her out and she'll be moving out the beginning of October, which is when this particular job for the company will be completed.



I can see myself being with him the rest of my life, but then I think about the things that have been happening the past 9 months and it makes me so scared. I've dated a lot of people in my time, usually I date multiple guys at once (just to paint a picture of how many I've gone through) and I was with someone for 5 years and was engaged. Anyway, I'm saying all this because I've never in my life felt this way about someone, except for the last time we went out. I really want to work toward being with him and I'm trying to be patient, but I keep going back and forth. One day I'll be all about him, but then someone will say something re: the situation and it makes me think, "wait a minute... slow this down!" and I'll pull back from him.

I'm just so scared...

 
Old 09-01-2008, 06:49 PM   #6
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Re: Guy I'm seeing cheated on his ex with me, never told her!

Well at least it sounds like he's got a plan. I think maybe you just need to take a breath and spend the next couple of months just taking things slowly and letting him work out his business. If you felt things weren't right the last time you saw him, it could be a result of many different things. But take things slowly and one day at a time. Again, right now he's just not really available, so don't go jumping the gun. It could be the situation, the whole "forbidden" thing, star crossed lovers with obstacles to overcome to be together, "he's just GOT to leave her to be with me!! We must be together in the end!!" kind of thing could be fueling the romantic infatuation you're feeling. Take things slow until he really is free and then see if dating him feels differently then.

 
Old 09-01-2008, 06:54 PM   #7
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Re: Guy I'm seeing cheated on his ex with me, never told her!

What do you mean by taking things slow? Like, not talking to him as often? It's hard for me to stay in gray areas, I'm the kind of person who is all or nothing... unfortunately.

What kinds of things can I do to protect myself? Should I date other people and just be his friend?

 
Old 09-01-2008, 07:06 PM   #8
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Re: Guy I'm seeing cheated on his ex with me, never told her!

Well, mostly I mean take it slow from an emotional standpoint. Live in the now and the day-to-day and don't start making big, elaborate plans for the future. No, I would not suggest dating other men as well if you don't want to be with anyone else. That would be construed as playing games.

But these days, even a marriage license isn't a guarantee. Enjoy it for what it brings today, without building your whole world and future around the two of you being together. Maybe you can give him till October and see if the things he's promising you start happening, and see where and with whom he's planning on spending the holidays. That will give you a good indication of where his head and heart really are.

 
Old 09-01-2008, 07:12 PM   #9
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Re: Guy I'm seeing cheated on his ex with me, never told her!

You're right. I'm really going to try and take it day by day and not think too much about the future. I really appreciate you taking the time to give me advice!! I was in desperate need of it!

 
Old 09-02-2008, 06:06 AM   #10
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Re: Guy I'm seeing cheated on his ex with me, never told her!

Are you really sure he is in fact broken up with her? It just seems like a whole lot of secrecy going on for a man who is "broken up". If they are not together then you shouldn't be treated like a mistress. They are both free to date (if they are broken up) so this shouldn't be a big deal.

Call me cynical, but it just seems to me that he wants to get back to the way things were a few months ago. I would find it very hard to trust this guy knowing how he treated is "ex", the mother of his child.

Last edited by happymom28; 09-02-2008 at 06:06 AM.

 
Old 09-02-2008, 06:40 AM   #11
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Re: Guy I'm seeing cheated on his ex with me, never told her!

girl smarten up please.....you're just his candy on the side.
he has no intention of telling her, he has no intention of leaving her, he has no intention of introducting you to his child......
you were simply a plaything when he had the opportunity.
don't waste any more time or energy on this tool.
he's telling you anything, anything you wanna hear......
do you really believe it? don't be a fool.

 
Old 09-02-2008, 01:12 PM   #12
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Re: Guy I'm seeing cheated on his ex with me, never told her!

Yeah I'm not sure I'm understanding this...he says he's broken up with her but then again you have to be a secret? What's he "broken up" from? Broken up is broken up...he should be free to see whoever he wants. No I don't believe he is broken up at all, otherwise, what's the big deal? There is certainly no reason why(now) he needs to confess to someone that he's no longer in a relationship with that he messed around on her. What would be the point? NO he needs to break up with her totally(move out) and then begin living his life however he so chooses with whomever he so chooses!

 
Old 09-02-2008, 01:33 PM   #13
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Re: Guy I'm seeing cheated on his ex with me, never told her!

You are asking what to do?....move on. He is just full of excuses and reasons. No one can deny him his flesh and blood child so that is a silly argument...alllll of it is a silly argument on his part. He simply wants you when he wants you so good luck with that. A better idea is to move on and find someone that only loves you and someone you can grow with.

 
Old 09-02-2008, 03:57 PM   #14
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Re: Guy I'm seeing cheated on his ex with me, never told her!

Well, he says that he was in a long relationship and is afraid to jump right back into one... so he says he wants to take it slow...

We talk a few times a day and text from the time we wake up until the time we go to bed, which is quite a difference from when he was with her...

I don't know again... I think I'm going to fall back and do my own thing until she hopefully moves out the beginning of next month and see what he says then. If nothing has changed, I'm going to continue to fall back, and out of his life.

Ugh, I hate this... I really appreciate getting feedback from other people, it helps me realize more things about the situation. I went to school for criminal justice so it's part of my way of thinking to analyze everything, which sucks at times.

Am I being blind? Is the obvious staring me in the face and I won't see it?

 
Old 09-02-2008, 07:51 PM   #15
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Re: Guy I'm seeing cheated on his ex with me, never told her!

The more I think about it the more I feel like I'm an escape for him... and that's why he doesn't want to discuss his life with me.... And when things get complicated with me (like the complications he already has in his life) he wants to slow it down so much that he just texted me tonight asking if it would be best if we didn't talk until october sometime!!!! I really feel like his life is upside-down and he goes to me and talks to me to escape....

 
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