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Old 09-04-2008, 09:23 AM   #1
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Who believes in Karma?

If I didn't before, I totally do now. I know a lot of you know the story of my sister. I haven't spoken to her for a month or so now and things have been very peaceful.

My mother told me last week of some troubles my sister was having, but I really didn't want to discuss her. I felt like I was stooping to her level if I started talking about her to my mother, you know? I know it was my mother's way of trying to "mend the fence", but I'm just not in a place to do that.

So I packed the girls up and took the hour ride to go see my parents on Monday. We were all suppose to go to my Aunt's house for her annual Labor Day cookout. Well, I get there and I'm met by my father and two brothers leaving in two big moving vans, and my mother in the house with my younger brother's son and two out of three of my sister's children. Long story short, my sister got fired from her job last week (which has been coming for the past few months because she can't stand her boss and is very nasty to her). Not only that, they got evicted from the house they rented only 2 months ago. Because of some paperwork the attorney they hired had them sign that had only until the 1st (Monday) to get everything out. With my sister's job loss, the new car they purchased, and all the other issues they have, they are no where near having the money they need for a down payment. So, they are now moving into my mother's home.

My mother unloaded on me for a good hour before we left for the cookout (the kids were in the yard playing and didn't hear us talking). She's scared to death to have my sister live there because from the time my sister hit puberty their relationship has been rocky, and when they did live together when my sister divorced it was volitile. My sister only has my mother now because of her alienating me, my SIL, and her best friend (she decided not to go to her wedding last month and her friend refuses to speak to her because of it).

So my mother is laying the guilt on me big time. She wants me to reach out to my sister so she can have me to talk to and support her. Is it wrong that I have no desire to do so? I just don't have it in me to support a woman who made it her job to cut me down. Do I feel guilty? Of course, she's my sister. But I feel badly for the kids, not her. I feel like she got what she deserved. She doesn't think about anybody but herself and as a result her husband is talking divorce (again) and her kids are being uprooted again (4th time in 2 years). I don't want to support her. I want to shake her and tell her to grow up!!

Am I evil?

 
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Old 09-04-2008, 09:33 AM   #2
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Re: Who believes in Karma?

I wish I could believe in Karma. Then there would be true justice in the world.

But anyway!

No, you're not evil. You're a wonderful, caring person who helps so many people on these boards with your on-going support and wisdom.
You are a fantastic wife and a great mother. How do I know? I've been reading your posts for a long time.
How you are feeling is the result of being treated badly by a relative. Not your fault! It is only human nature to stop wanting to care for someone who doesn't seem to care about you.

Well, perhaps be there for your sister's children? That way you won't feel guilty for not helping them. Perhaps buy them presents/ treats/ take them out if you know things are going to get really tough for your sister because after all while your sistre may deserve this, the children don't.

 
Old 09-04-2008, 09:38 AM   #3
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Re: Who believes in Karma?

Thank you for your kind words bluesky! That was really sweet.

That is my plan, trying to be there for my nieces and nephew. It will be hard because my sister uses her children as leverage. She's been doing it since she divorced her first husband. I will just have to go through my mother and BIL (since he doesn't hate me) to do so. I don't know how yet, but I will be giving it a lot of thought.

 
Old 09-04-2008, 09:45 AM   #4
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Re: Who believes in Karma?

yes I believe in Karma big time, and it looks like all that nasty stuff your sis has put on in the universe has come back around to her.....

and don't believe your mother for a minute......yeah she wants you to make up......so you can take sis off her hands......

and the guilt trip? nah...that's manipulation.....

your mom has her own self interest in mind....

I'd let the 2 of them wallow in their mess together.....

oh do I sound mean?

 
Old 09-04-2008, 09:46 AM   #5
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Re: Who believes in Karma?

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
oh do I sound mean?
No, not mean...you just sound like Rose Telling it how it is without the sugar coating!

Last edited by bluesky123; 09-04-2008 at 09:47 AM.

 
Old 09-04-2008, 09:47 AM   #6
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Re: Who believes in Karma?

Quote:
Originally Posted by bluesky123 View Post
No, not mean...you just sound like Rose Telling it how it is without the sugar coating!

LOL I hope that's a good thing!

 
Old 09-04-2008, 09:54 AM   #7
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Re: Who believes in Karma?

Quote:
Originally Posted by happymom28 View Post
...

Am I evil?
I don't know much about Karma, but I am afraid we, Westerners, tend to think of it in terms of negative, unplesant things. Maybe Karma is more than that.

Anyway, no, I don't think you are evil. Not at all.

Is it your mother asking or is it your sister asking for help through your mother? Do you see the difference?

If I were in your shoes, I would help her if and especially if she came up to me personally and asked for my help. Otherwise I couldn't be sure whether she would really accept my help and might spoil it. Then I would check with my spouse to see what kind of help I would be able to give. That would be a kind of punctual help. I am of the opinion that you can help people even when you don't totally like them, even when they have done bad (or perhaps silly) things in the past that have affected you. The trick is giving out help without being emotionally involved in it. This is not easy, and very few people can do it, actually. Do you think you could do it? If not, let it be.

From another quite different perspective, you might help her anonimously, but that is also very difficult for most people.

 
Old 09-04-2008, 10:01 AM   #8
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Re: Who believes in Karma?

Quote:
Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
The trick is giving out help without being emotionally involved in it. This is not easy, and very few people can do it, actually. Do you think you could do it? If not, let it be.
Good point, Pendulum.

Only happymom would be able to say if she could do this or not. I don't think she will right away...her sister has caused her a lot of hassle and anger which can be difficult to get over. But perhaps after a given amount of time happmom could but there's always the risk of becoming emotionally involved even if you think you don't plan to? There is no right or wrong way happymom. If you don't feel able to, it doesn't mean you're a bad person because you aren't and you have put up with a hell of a lot from your sister. As Pendulum said - not a lot of people can help without getting emotionally involved. We are human after all. We will be here for you whatever you decide to do.

Last edited by bluesky123; 09-04-2008 at 10:04 AM.

 
Old 09-04-2008, 10:02 AM   #9
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Re: Who believes in Karma?

by NOT helping her you will actually be helping her.......

helping her to stand on her own 2 feet and take responsibility


 
Old 09-04-2008, 10:15 AM   #10
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Re: Who believes in Karma?

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
by NOT helping her you will actually be helping her.......

helping her to stand on her own 2 feet and take responsibility

That is a very astute insight, too, paradoxical as it may seem. Yet, there's some danger to it. Usually, it makes you feel superior, and it may read as humiliation to the person in need. Such an atttitude seems to be more adequate for a parent-child relationship, not really between siblings, even if you find your sister to be immature and in need of learning a few lessons in her own life.

On the other hand, to help her now may create a pattern of helping her whenever. It might create a network of co-dependency.

It is a real catch-22. Whatever you choose to do, there'll always be advantages and disadvantages.

 
Old 09-04-2008, 10:24 AM   #11
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Re: Who believes in Karma?

Sometimes, unfortunately, you have to turn your back or decline to become involved with a family member who either can't or won't help themselves. I have an older half brother who is pushing 50 and has done nothing but be in and out of prison for drugs and theft. He resurfaces when he wants money or a place to stay and then disappears, usually with property he doesn't own belonging to the poor slob who tried to help him. I've declined to become involved.

HM, as for your original question...I do believe in karma, whether it's good or bad. That's why I try hard to be good to people and do the "right thing" even if I could have gotten away with something. For example, I hit a parked car in a parking lot, doing a good amount of damage. No one saw me and I could have just left...but I though about the times it's been done to me and it was lousy! So I left a note. Long story short, it turned out not costing me a penny because my insurance is good and everything was covered. So doing the right thing resulted in the lady getting her car fixed and me feeling like doing the right thing turned out well.

Now, helping your sister may appear to be the "right" thing, but honestly, I don't think you should have to put yourself and your family out there for more potential hurt. In this case, I think the "right" thing would be to allow her to figure out how to deal with the situation. What's that old saying? It's better to teach a man to catch a fish than to buy him a fish? One feeds him for a day, the other feeds him for a lifetime. Your sister needs to learn to catch fish, and she can do that simply by looking at you as an example. It's her call how she wants to perceive it.

 
Old 09-04-2008, 10:27 AM   #12
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Re: Who believes in Karma?

Quote:
Originally Posted by pendulum View Post
I don't know much about Karma, but I am afraid we, Westerners, tend to think of it in terms of negative, unplesant things. Maybe Karma is more than that.

Anyway, no, I don't think you are evil. Not at all.

Is it your mother asking or is it your sister asking for help through your mother? Do you see the difference?

If I were in your shoes, I would help her if and especially if she came up to me personally and asked for my help. Otherwise I couldn't be sure whether she would really accept my help and might spoil it. Then I would check with my spouse to see what kind of help I would be able to give. That would be a kind of punctual help. I am of the opinion that you can help people even when you don't totally like them, even when they have done bad (or perhaps silly) things in the past that have affected you. The trick is giving out help without being emotionally involved in it. This is not easy, and very few people can do it, actually. Do you think you could do it? If not, let it be.

From another quite different perspective, you might help her anonimously, but that is also very difficult for most people.
Those are some excellent questions and thoughts Pendulum!

I know for a fact it is my mother asking and not my sister through her. My mother told me the next day that my sister was very upset with her for telling me what was going on. She had no idea I had been to the house that day because she was moving things out of her home. My husband offered to help them move after he got out of work that night if they still needed it, but they were done at that point. My sister would NEVER want me thinking that she would be in this position as she has always felt like it makes her look weak. Does that make sense?

If she could come to me and admit that she was wrong for all she did to me and my husband and then ask for help I know I would. I know my husband would as well. But it's very hard because she is still acting as if she has done nothing wrong and then I would in a sense be rewarding her bad behavior.

As far as helping annonimously, I did do that. I emailed my mother a whole bunch of apartment listings and realtor info in that area to help them with their search. I could have sent it to my sister, but I know she would have deleted it. My mother printed it all up and she had no idea that the places she went to were ones I found for her. Again, I didn't do it for her. I did it for the kids who need a stable home.

 
Old 09-04-2008, 10:36 AM   #13
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Re: Who believes in Karma?

I just wanted to thank you all for your words of wisdom. I do have to agree that by staying out of it and not helping her is helping her in the long run. She has never taken responsibility for herself or her actions. This has been a long time coming for her. The only reason I feel guilty is because of the kids. They don't deserve any of this!

The thing that really gets me at this moment is the kids were suppose to start school last week when they got evicted. My sister has yet to go the school a 1/2 mile from my mother's house and get them registered using her address. If she had done that they would have started yesterday. But now here they are homeless and not going to school. Has she even thought once about DSS getting notified? She has no idea how badly she has messed up here. I'm so furious for them!

I think when my husband gets home I'm going to discuss with him getting some clothes and school supplies for the kids. I can't imagine him saying no, but I don't want to do it without his approval. I know it will make her mad, but I really think they have suffered enough. Do you think that's a good idea?

 
Old 09-04-2008, 01:52 PM   #14
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Re: Who believes in Karma?

I don't think I do believe in Karma...there are a lot of sorry *** people out there living high on the hog and nothing bad ever seems to happen to them...seems like bad things happen to good people. Like my niece being in a horrible wreck and my sister's house burning down...couldn't be two sweeter people in the world!!!!!! Then you've got people like the horrible EX of my husband just doing fine...driving around in her free car and not having to work a day in her life. Doesn't do Jack all day...doesn't cook, doesn't do anything...she just keeps going from man to man (until she gets tired of them) just taking her free ride.

Last edited by BeaTrade; 09-04-2008 at 02:06 PM.

 
Old 09-04-2008, 02:11 PM   #15
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Re: Who believes in Karma?

I agree that terrible things can and do happen to wonderful people. And it doesn't make sense but a lot of things don't. I believe in an afterlife however, and I believe that those people will get theirs when they least expect it...

I just think it feels better to do the right thing, whether or not I directly benefit. It just feels good.

I believe that HM will be rewarded through her wonderful children and that her giving nature is a reward in itself. I'm just sorry about all the headaches her sister has been able to cause! But I guarantee, the sister is not happy at all...

 
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