It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 09-04-2008, 02:33 PM   #1
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: California
Posts: 651
negot HB Usernegot HB User
How do you make a choice regarding your future?

Most of you know about my marital problems and have been very supportive of me.
After 10 years of living in a bad marriage, I have to make some kind of decision although I still am not able to move away from my husband because of financial reasons. If we didn't have 2 kids together, I would have been gone long ago, but this is my dilemma:
We live in an area with pretty bad public schools. Since education is very important to me, I don't want my kids to go to public school. They currently go to one of the best private schools I've been able to find. It is expensive, but worth every penny. My older son is very bright and his ideas are "different" than most other kids' his age. In his previous school I was told to take him to psychologists and psychiatrists to get him evaluated. The school even labeled him with a psychiatric disease. He was so stressed out that he developed a bad rash on his face and feet. This rash disappeared shortly after we took him out of the school and never came back. We moved him to his current school and he has blossomed. Nobody says that there is something wrong with him, on the contrary I hear how bright and popular he is. It is very important to me that he, and my younger son stay in this school where they are now because it is going to shape some of their future.
Apart from the school, my kids play sports and do other activities which all cost money. We stretch ourselves very thin to provide all this for our kids.
My husband is the only one working with me getting him clients. I also pick the kids up from school and drive them to their after school activities. I never got to do any activities as a child and now I want my kids to play tennis and soccer. We don't go overboard with activities, partly because of the lack of time, but mostly because we can't afford it.
I have now stopped getting my husband clients. I felt that his latest insult and him putting me down again woke me up and I just don't want to spend the rest of my life being talked down to. I want to get away from him. That's what I want for myself, anyway. But, what about the kids? They are 5 and almost 8 and they love their father who is very good to them. They don't want us to get divorced. My older son keeps saying that lately. He knows what divorce means since he has friends with divorced parents.
But, the main issue for me is that if my husband and I don't live under the same roof, there is no way we can keep the kids in the nice school where they go now. Neither will they be able to do their sport activities, partly because of the expense and also there will be no one to drive them if I am working. The after school activities I am less concerned about though, my concern is the school.
I feel bad even thinking about having to take them out of this very nurturing environment with a beautiful campus and excellent staff where they have been thriving and put them into a school where, at least my older son, is going to be labeled as weird.
So, my question is: should I think about myself and do what is best for me (my husband and I don't argue very much, so I don't think the kids realize how bad our marriage is) or should I endure and spend another 10 years with my husband until my younger son finishes elementary school. I don't say that the school is the only thing that shapes a person, but it does have a big impact. Going to a school were they go now, it is less likely they will fail, get into drugs, etc.
Of course, then there is the option of me getting a job that pays well enough so that I can pay for the school. I like this option the best, but at the moment I don't see how it is going to happen. I have no skills and haven't worked for many years. I am enrolled now in two classes, but none of them will directly lead to anything concrete. It is more to get my feet wet and learn something after having stagnated for years.
My husband thinks that we are back to normal again. The pattern of our entire marriage has been that he insults me and talks down to me, I stop speaking to him more than I have to, he sulks and feels like a victim and I am the one with problems and then we start speaking again. Soon after, the circle starts again. We are at the moment speaking again because the kids are starting school again and we have to talk about a lot of things in connection with the school. This morning we took the kids to school for their first day this school year and my husband said that I have to start getting him business so the kids can stay in this school. By the way, I have gotten him business as long as I have known him,his careers have been the main focus of our marriage and I am so sick of it. It has felt like a kind of extortion.

Last edited by negot; 09-04-2008 at 02:43 PM. Reason: spelling

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 09-04-2008, 02:51 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: California
Posts: 2,095
Redneon82 HB User
Re: How do you make a choice regarding your future?

When my deadbeat dad left my mom and didn't pay any child support, my mom had to try to find a job after being a stay at home mom for 13 years. She found a dinky little job watching kids while their parents attended church, and went on from there. She eventually developed a good career as a bookkeeper, without a college degree! And this took only about 3 years. I have memories of my brother and I splitting one pork chop while my mom ate pancakes for dinner. We struggled, but she somehow, someway, managed to keep us in the expensive private Catholic school we attended.

It sounds like you have job skills, you just haven't used them in a while. Since you help your husband get clients, can't you parlay that into some kind of a marketing, customer service, or order desk type job? That may not sound glamorous or particularly lucrative, but it's a start and with your experience helping your husband, I bet you could make it into something better very quickly. That way, the 10 years you are talking about can turn into as little as 1 year, or maybe 2 at the most. With your additional income you can keep your children in the good school and have a plan to support yourself after the divorce.

When I divorced, I had only worked part time as a phone receptionist. I now have a terrific career managing an office and am making quite a decent living. I'm not wealthy by any means and I don't own a home, but my son and I ate well, lived in a prestigious neighborhood, and owned a brand new car I bought myself. My son is now attending a well regarded college and I send him money and am able to live comfortably. It took a few years to work my way up but I still managed to keep our apartment in the nicest neighborhood in our city and my son attended the best school in the area.

I hope I have been able to give you hope that you can do it and be fine!

 
Old 09-04-2008, 05:19 PM   #3
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
pendulum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Florianópolis, Brazil
Posts: 3,716
pendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB User
Re: How do you make a choice regarding your future?

Are you sure you have got no skills? You speak at least two languages well: English and your mother tongue. Probably you even know a third language, a fourth, who knows? I would say that's a very important asset. You also know how to operate a computer, you probably write well, you can drive a car, and have acquired some skill by helping out your husband in this business of his. How can you say then you have no skills? And then again, what about your potential? I can only advise you to go as soon as possible to an employment agency, in case you don't want to read the ads in the newspapers.

Since you older child is a bright pupil, have you ever considered getting him a scholarship? Do you think you could talk to the headmaster about this possibility? The problem is that you would have to disclose that you are thinking about a divorce or something. In any case, you could procure some information about his school's policy on granting scholarships to the best ones.

The new context in your life after the divorce will certainly impose certain sacrifices on everybody (the whole family). This can't be changed, but it can be minimized. I know changing school for the kids would be a huge blow for them, but on the other hand I also believe that both of them have already acquired a rather solid cultural and moral basis, and this may help them cope with the possible difficulties in the future.

 
Old 09-04-2008, 06:31 PM   #4
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Chicao, Illinois
Posts: 51
lady1980 HB User
Re: How do you make a choice regarding your future?

Your story is very interesting to me. I just went through a divorce myself last year after being married for 7 yrs. I had many arguments with myself as to if I should leave or continue to stay because of the kids(which we have two, 6 & 7 year old boys). I finally decided to leave but I had a plan. I had a good job when we met but had to quit because I gave birth to a premature baby and had to stay home to care for him. After a year of staying home I decided to go back to school so that I could provide for the kids by myself just in case something happened where one of us couldn't work. That's what I did. I got a part-time job and went to school full-time in the evening while he watched the kids. The abuse started at that time. My spouse unlike yours was physically, mentionally and virbally abuse. He would hit me if a stranger told him anything about me. He would talk down to me even though I'm smarter then he is. He would make sure he made it home an hour after I had to be at work because he knew that I didn't have anyone else to watch my children. Not to mention that he would stay out all night on the weekends and not call home. I developed IBS from the stress and grew tired from the rest. I could no longer do it for the kids. I was fed up. Enough was enough. I came to my senses the last time he put his hands on me when I was bleeding from my head with two black eyes in the emergency room at a local hospital. This was my second chance at life. God spared my life and I couldn't let him down by going back to this horrible man. If I went back then next time I might end up dead. So I got better and came home and moved in with my mom. Finished school and divorced the SOB and now I'm living with my two sons. I did it and I know you can too. My youngest son is similiar to your oldest. He's very intelligent and is often labeled as having behavior problems. He just needs to be challenged more. Public schools can challenge him just as private schools can. That would mean that only private schools offer good education and guidance and I'm sure some of the best surgeons, doctors and lawyers went to a public school.

Take this time to go back to school to better yourself. Go to a junior college I did and I make more 50k a year. You don't need a four year degree. Try something in the health field. And continue helping your spouse with the clients. At least until you can leave. He is the only one paying the bills right now. Be smart about it. It will be difficult at first but it will get better with time. I'm here if you need and ear or another mom to talk to. You can do it. Be positive! Stay strong!

 
Old 09-05-2008, 10:13 AM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: California
Posts: 651
negot HB Usernegot HB User
Re: How do you make a choice regarding your future?

Thank you for the answers and ideas. Redneon, your story is very inspiring to me. It is that first step that feels so hard to take. Right now I simply don't know what that first step is. After I've taken the two classes I signed up for, I am hoping some idea will come up. I have in the past applied for quite a few jobs. Only one time was I called for an interview. That job was very simple, basically being on the phone and selling insurance. I didn't get the job to my surprise. I am not sure where to start, but I think taking classes and being out among other adults may inspire me. My goal is to try to eventually get a job where I can pay for my kids' school. I have thought a lot about my marriage lately and in the past every time my husband came out of his abusive stage I would rationalize that it is best if we stay together, partly because of the kids and our financial situation, but also because I don't look forward to being single at 48. But, now I realize that thing will never change. My husband is not going to change and I don't want to be put down any more.
Pend, I do speak a couple of languages beside English, but that hasn't helped me so far. As far as the scholarship goes, there is no such option right now. This school where my kids go is very popular and they have a waiting list. I was actually very nervous that my kids wouldn't get in when we applied for them.
Lady, I am so sorry about the way your marriage was. And, this will sound bizarre, I almost envy you because in your case there was no room for much thinking what the right thing to do is. It was pretty clear that you have to leave somebody who is that abusive. I am glad you did and that you've made it. In my case the abuse hasn't been as blatant. My husband has never beat me. He has abused me though for the 10 years we have been married. He is emotionally and verbally abusive. I've already written about this in my previous posts on this board, but I don't mind repeating it since I've built up so much anger during these 10 years that it seems to make me feel better to vent about it. He has called me stupid, moron, loser, useless. When I speak, he asks what I am blabbing or blabbering about. He laughs at me if I don't get something immediately. He says that I am lazy and a neglectful mother.
He says that I am mentally disturbed, bipolar and need to be on medication
for this. If I only was on medication, things would be good.
He is not like this all the time. It goes in waves, depending on his mood. He is usually frustrated about his careers, one that failed and the one he is now struggling with.
Most people that know him like him. My family members (my mother, 2 sisters and a niece) who all live in Europe, loved him when they came to visit. They feel like I got lucky to meet somebody like him. He drove them anywhere they wanted to go and was very hospitable towards them. He even drove my niece to some mall she wanted to go to which is almost 100 miles away. All this makes it worse for me because my family isn't very supportive in me leaving my husband.( Although he did scream loser to me once in front of my mother so she did get to hear it firsthand).
My family says that there are much worse husband out there and that he is nice, he just says things that he doesn't mean. I've now stopped talking to my family about this because i don't have their support.
I don't want to be put down any more. This has affected my self esteem and made it non existent. Apart from the insults from my husband, our marriage is a big farce. The intimacy has been almost non existent for much of the marriage and I also feel so lonely. I don't have anybody to talk to in the house except for the kids.
My husband is also abusive in more subtle ways. His tone of voice is often condescending when he talks to me and when I start to talk, he starts often looking through the mail or the paper. He ignores me a lot, like what I say isn't important. He doesn't treat anybody else like he treats me.
Now as I am writing this, I can't understand that I've put up with this man for so long. Last year I filed for divorce, but changed my mind. Now, I am positive that I want to get away from him.

 
Old 09-05-2008, 11:24 AM   #6
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Chicao, Illinois
Posts: 51
lady1980 HB User
Re: How do you make a choice regarding your future?

You've made the first big step and that's admitting there there is a problem and you're trying to come up with a plan. Public schools offer jobs in there kitchen during the school year where you can help in the kitchen. The pay is usually pretty good. It's a start to at least be able to save some money. And your right, talking to your family won't help. Now you have to decide between your children's education and your future as a wife, mother and homemaker. The longer you tolerate it the longer you will continue to find excuses to stay. Do you have any girlfriends that you can confide in. If all else fails there are shelters in your area that you can go to if it gets unbarable. Also try to go to temporary agencies and see what they have available. That's where I started out at. You can do it. I know you can. Your determined and you've put up with him this long so I know you have patience.

 
Old 09-05-2008, 01:57 PM   #7
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: California
Posts: 651
negot HB Usernegot HB User
Re: How do you make a choice regarding your future?

Lady, I do have a few friends who know my situation. I have been unhappy in this marriage now for so long that it is time to make a decision. My friends are supportive of me. I feel pretty lost at the moment. I am trying to keep panic away. I feel so beat down and have a hard time seeing solutions although I know that a lot of people in my situation make a new life for themselves. I feel very depressed right now, but hopefully the depression will lift soon. My older son started school yesterday and the younger one is starting next week, so I will have more time for myself to think about my future.

 
Old 09-05-2008, 06:06 PM   #8
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
pendulum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Florianópolis, Brazil
Posts: 3,716
pendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB User
Re: How do you make a choice regarding your future?

Negot, I have got a few questions...

When you were about to file for divorce last year but then gave it up, did your husband know what you were doing? Did you talk to him about your plan? And if so, what reasons for the divorce did you present to him? I think this is pertinent to our discussion here, because if you are going to file for divorce again, you must produce some consistent motivations, or not? If your husband were violent or physically abusive, that wouldn't be too difficult, but since he is only verbally, or rather subtly or sujectively abusive, I am wondering how you are going to deal with this.

Negot, are you preparing yourself for a litigious divorce? Have you talked to an attorney yet? Do you intend to do the whole process in secrecy, that is, without your husband being aware of it?

 
Old 09-05-2008, 08:28 PM   #9
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: California
Posts: 651
negot HB Usernegot HB User
Re: How do you make a choice regarding your future?

Pend, My husband knew that I hired a divorce lawyer. Hi hired one as well. As a matter of fact he hired one of the best, most expensive divorce attorneys in our city, which is a little silly since we own almost nothing (the house is almost entirely bank owned). He was going to fight me so that I would get as little as possible. In his mind he is the one who has been working and whatever we have is his. When I say that I've given birth to 2 kids and taken care of them, he says that it is ridiculous.
Last year I hired a female attorney who was really nice. She gave me a financial break and advised me to not even ask for alimony since my husband can't pay any, but to move on with my life as soon as possible. She also told me that although it is unfair, legally I can't do anything about the fact that he used the house equity to open his business and thanks to that he now has means to support himself and I don't. How I wish that I had stuck with her and with my decision last year. Now we are in a much bigger financial mess because we meanwhile moved to another, more expensive house and have now a lot of debts.
My husband knows that I am unhappy, but digs his head in the sand and pretends like nothing. He seems to think that we are going to live like this for ever. He told me today that I am abusive and it is my fault that our kids have problems (our 5 year old son, who is usually very cheerful has been very cranky lately). In my husband's mind I am abusive because I don't talk to him more than I have to. But this is a catch 22. If I do talk to him, he either puts me down or reads the paper while I talk. In his family everything is swept under the carpet and that is what he is used to, so he won't acknowledge anything. Every attempt to discussion ends with him saying that I am mentally unstable and disturbed. Every single problem the kids have is completely my fault. My kids are always clean, fed and never abused in any way by me, but my husband says I am a bad and neglectful mother.
I am so worn down by him. I just want peace in my life. I am not sure how to approach the divorce issue now. I wrote him an email several days ago to bring home the mortgage papers so that I can see how much, if any, equity there is in our house and he still hasn't done that. He keeps all the financial paperwork at his work. I am not sure what do do exactly. My biggest worry is that the kids are being harmed by all this tension. If I just could move, I know the kids would feel much better after a while and after the initial chock.
I would like to hire the same attorney as last time, but have not done so because of the money issue. I can't pay her and also can't move anywhere without having some money and income. But, I really feel that it is now or never. I have to either divorce him or continue to endure this horrible farce of a marriage and stop complaining about it. And, I am 100% sure this time that since you live only once and 10 years to be put down by one person is more than enough, I want out of this marriage. It can't possibly get worse for me than it is. To be put down day after day for years tears you down systematically. By the way, not one person who knows him would believe how he has been treating me.
As I said above, in case of divorce, he wants to walk away with giving me nothing. Not that he has anything to give me, but this attitude is pretty nasty, I feel.
I wrote him an email a couple of days ago and said that he is a great father,he does a lot for the kids, spends a lot of time with them etc, etc, but in spite of that, one day they may resent him for the way he is treating me, their mother. I urged him to wake up before it is too late. (He resents his own father for not treating his mother well). He wrote back and his whole email was full of blame with the usual accusations that I am not mentally well and need to be on medications. It is getting so old and boring to hear this constantly, especially as he is not in any kind of medical profession. He pretends that he is concerned about me and says that I should see a psychiatrist asap or call my own sister who is a physician so that she can prescribe medication for my supposed mental illness.
Anyway, when I finally get the mortgage papers I am thinking of going to a mediator who has free consultation and talk to him. I'll go from there depending on what he says.
I feel at the end of my rope. I am very depressed and have so much anxiety. Yet, I have to function for the sake of the kids. Next week my younger son is starting school and I'll have more time to deal with all these issues and make some decisions.

Last edited by negot; 09-05-2008 at 08:34 PM.

 
Old 09-06-2008, 10:00 PM   #10
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Chicao, Illinois
Posts: 51
lady1980 HB User
Re: How do you make a choice regarding your future?

I was reading your reply. It's good that you are communicating to him through e-mail. You can use that as evidence in court against him. Keep all documentation from now on and try to keep communicating to him through letters or e-mail so that you can build up a paper trail on him. Try to keep your true feelings about him off of paper so that he can't turn it back on you. You can try to go to legal aid. They can pay for your divorce. Your local police station or library is a great resource for agencies and programs in your area for free help. All you have to do is ask for it. Sorry I don't live close to you. But you have to start somewhere of you'll go crazy.

 
Old 09-06-2008, 10:00 PM   #11
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Chicao, Illinois
Posts: 51
lady1980 HB User
Re: How do you make a choice regarding your future?

I was reading your reply. It's good that you are communicating to him through e-mail. You can use that as evidence in court against him. Keep all documentation from now on and try to keep communicating to him through letters or e-mail so that you can build up a paper trail on him. Try to keep your true feelings about him off of paper so that he can't turn it back on you. You can try to go to legal aid. They can pay for your divorce. Your local police station or library is a great resource for agencies and programs in your area for free help. All you have to do is ask for it. Sorry I don't live close to you. But you have to start somewhere of you'll go crazy.

 
Old 09-06-2008, 10:00 PM   #12
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Chicao, Illinois
Posts: 51
lady1980 HB User
Re: How do you make a choice regarding your future?

I was reading your reply. It's good that you are communicating to him through e-mail. You can use that as evidence in court against him. Keep all documentation from now on and try to keep communicating to him through letters or e-mail so that you can build up a paper trail on him. Try to keep your true feelings about him off of paper so that he can't turn it back on you. You can try to go to legal aid. They can pay for your divorce. Your local police station or library is a great resource for agencies and programs in your area for free help. All you have to do is ask for it. Sorry I don't live close to you. But you have to start somewhere of you'll go crazy.

 
Old 09-06-2008, 10:29 PM   #13
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: California
Posts: 651
negot HB Usernegot HB User
Re: How do you make a choice regarding your future?

Lady, it is a very good point to keep my feelings off the paper. He has told me that he has saved every email from me so that he can have evidence what kind of angry person I am. I have to look into legal aid and other possible help. As it is now, I feel like I am going to go crazy. There is so much tension in the house and my anxiety level is very high. I also feel so depressed. I wish I was able to see a solution to this mess I got myself into. The 10 years with my husband have for the most part been so unhappy that I barely can take it any more. Thanks for your support.

 
Old 09-06-2008, 11:59 PM   #14
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Chicao, Illinois
Posts: 51
lady1980 HB User
Re: How do you make a choice regarding your future?

Anytime. We all need support. I wish I knew about this site when I was going through my divorce. It will get better trust me. I got through it and I know that you will too.

 
Old 09-07-2008, 02:21 AM   #15
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
pendulum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Florianópolis, Brazil
Posts: 3,716
pendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB User
Re: How do you make a choice regarding your future?

Quote:
Originally Posted by lady1980 View Post
Anytime. We all need support. I wish I knew about this site when I was going through my divorce. It will get better trust me. I got through it and I know that you will too.
I endorse Lady1980. I admit that as I began reading on your threads I was trying to convince myself that there was another way about your case rather than a divorce. Now I have changed my mind. I wish I believed in miracles, because it seems that only a miracle would change this man. And even if he changed, you would have no feelings left for him, I presume. I wish I could shake him, anyway, you know. LOL But honestly, there are passages in your posts that make me think he is mentally clouded.

And you are prolonging this only for the kids.

Try to stay calm. Resist any provocation. Don't waste your energy, because you will need it later. Consider checking with your country's resources (Embassy, Consulate, Association, etc). They might be able to help you out, too. Try to have some faith in or a positive attitude towards justice.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Need honest opinion regarding my bf's ex LIGIRL148 Relationship Health 11 09-01-2009 01:56 PM
I have a Question regarding oxy and fentanyl Mundos Pain Management 15 07-08-2009 06:17 PM
MD choice for FNA JanKR Thyroid Disorders 5 04-01-2009 03:31 PM
Questions regarding Lupus Flare Ups Triciah614 Lupus 25 01-27-2009 05:53 PM
Adenomas/FNHs/Hemangiomas (x10) kt8889 Liver & Pancreas Disorders 100 08-07-2008 07:43 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Kszan (260), rosequartz (245), pendulum (172), Larrylou'smom (164), Seraph (155), cryingforever (132), CadenceA (131), lenvegas (87), writeleft (83), Ely4 (62)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1136), MSJayhawk (941), Apollo123 (856), janewhite1 (823), Titchou (771), Gabriel (743), ladybud (667), sammy64 (666), midwest1 (655), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:40 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.com™
Copyright and Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.com™ All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!