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Old 09-04-2008, 02:34 PM   #1
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Question I Feel Like Im Gay In Denial/long Story

HEY HB.. i am a 24 female. okay here is my lengthy story.. on and off i have been dating my bf for 6years now.. At age 12 i experimented with my first girl in a psych ward. Just kissing and caressing.. Once i hit 15 met another girl and things got more involved, but we never dated. This friendship was only sexual/using me. That ended when i was 18, because i choose to end the friendship. I got nothing out of it.. Okay at age 18 i met my bf, been dating him for 6yrs on and off now.. At age 21 was chatting online and met this girl that was 17, and who was gay sorta bi, leaning in and out of lesbian lifestyle. We actually dated for 2months.. i got played and used again.. I had broken up with my bf during this time, but we still talked.. This ex gf from 3 years ago still calls me every 6-10 months. She always texts me first.. I always tell her to never call me again, since she robbed me and never came to visit me ever, and I had to travel 6hrs to always see her.. I dont know why she always calls me like every 6months.. Everytime she does my feelings come back for her and i cant stop thinking about her and wanting to kiss her and be with her, but remember i have a bf.. This ex gf of mine was never affectionite though because of bad past relationships, so she says.. My thoughts dont stop and my thoughts even go as far to thinking about marrying this woman that robbed me.. Now my bf i have foir the past 6yrs is a man of god and an angel.. He is so good to me and never ever robbed me or ever cheated on me.. I am just so lost.. Sometimes i dont always feel that i am attracted to men like how i get for woman.. The way my mind wanders off to thinking about kissing a woman, i never ever got like that for a man or even my bf.. Something is really wrong here.. Okay let me also say this My entire life I grew up with no mother and never had emotional support or any type of love.. I need major advice.. I think im lost about love. For some reason also woman make me feel better..

 
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Old 09-04-2008, 05:55 PM   #2
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Re: I Feel Like Im Gay In Denial/long Story

Hi Italia

This is a very difficult and delicate situation, and I am afraid you may need the assistance of a therapist or psychologist to sort things out for you.

I don't know to what extent these things can be changed, but it is worth trying if you are dissatisfied. All I can say to you (I am no expert, though) is that I agree that the lack of a connection with your mother has had an important role here. You lacked a model at an age in your life when you badly needed an identification. You have enough reasons to grieve for this, but then when you are ready with your mourning, you'd be better to move on to find ways of strengthening your feminine side by getting together with other women and learning to meet your needs for affection and attention from them not necessarily in a sexual fashion.

 
Old 09-04-2008, 06:29 PM   #3
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Re: I Feel Like Im Gay In Denial/long Story

If you are leaning toward and feel like you do about women, then I would say you certainly need to find out if indeed that is how you want to lead your life. It seems to be from what you have posted.

If you are satisfied that you are indeed bi-sexual, then why do you think this woman who did you wrong is the "only" woman you can see? There are young women out there who are searching and experimenting, and making an effort to find out what makes them happy. The only thing I can really tell you for certain is that this woman who cheated and lied to you is bad news. Please do not talk to her or answer her texts again.

I can imagine how tough it must be, trying to work through these kinds of feelings, but I want you to know that there is nothing "wrong" about how you are feeling....if a woman is what you think about, and you dream of kissing one....then get out and meet new women, who share these feelings. Just like if you were looking for a new BF, there are places you can go....but you can't meet them if you don't get out and try.

It really sounds like this is what you want.....and I wish you luck and happiness in that effort!

Mileena

 
Old 09-04-2008, 10:09 PM   #4
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Re: I Feel Like Im Gay In Denial/long Story

Italia, this is such a delicate issue, one's sexuality. The lack of a mother may or may not have played a role in how you feel today. Maybe you just are attracted to women. You are young and now is the time for you to experiment and find out which gender you prefer. I am not criticizing you, but i do feel bad for your boyfriend. You are dating him for a long time and at the same time you are fantasizing about women. Why don't you take your time and try to get to know yourself better and maybe later you can resume the relationship with your BF if you, and he, still want to be together. For now I think it would be fair to give him a chance to date somebody who is only into him and doesn't doubt her sexuality. By the way, does he know that you have these doubts, that you are not sure which gender you prefer?
Could you see a therapist and explore this in therapy?

 
Old 09-05-2008, 12:43 AM   #5
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Re: I Feel Like Im Gay In Denial/long Story

I wouldn't hazard a guess as to whether you are gay or not. I feel, that from reading your posts that you are starved for love, and that your BF's reluctance to move on to the next stage of a relationship is causing you to feel even more unloved. You have a hungry heart, and really need to love yourself, never mind wondering about men versus women at the moment. Can you see a therapist who deals in self-esteem issues? Sera.

 
Old 09-05-2008, 10:25 PM   #6
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Re: I Feel Like Im Gay In Denial/long Story

she robbed from you? I really dont think you should talk to her at all, and get whatever back that she toke. I dont care what kind of feelings you have for her, dont date a thief. This is not a friend or a lover, she sounds like a low life.

 
Old 09-06-2008, 01:57 PM   #7
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Question Re: I Feel Like Im Gay In Denial/long Story

i agree that she sounds like a low life, but i cant stop thinking about her.. she calls me every 6 months. i hate to answer because my feelings come back again for her.. Yes my bf knew i liked girls from day 1 i met him.. My bf is a religious man of god. That never smoked or drank or used drugs in his life.. I used to do all of this before i met my angel bf, but now i am a sober person.. I changed for myself and that i was heading in the wrong direction back 6 years ago before i met my bf.. I left my bf twice for 2 woman.. Both smoked and drank but i choose not to go back down to that lifestyle anymore.. These ex gfs asked if i wanted a cigareette or drink i said no, but they smoked in front of me. i didn't like this.. My ex gf who i dated for 2 months still calls me.. that was a 1 way street where i only did for her.. pleasured her and whined and dined her.. She still calls me.. I do miss her and at times i think of taking her back, but i have a bf and she robbed me twice. My ex gf admitted to robbing me too.. The way she robbed me was funny.. She asked me to throw at the trash and i knew in my heart she was going to go through my purse, so i left it in the house.. The next morning i was leaving my ex gfs house and when i was in the bab i checked my wallet and i was short 60 dollars.. I knew it was her.. when we got into huge fights she admitted robbing me.. I dont know why she still calls me.. Our 2 month relationship was insane.. Top it off she never even came to my town or house too see me.. i traveled twice a week to her town which was 6 hours away. We both lived in the same state, but like 300 miles away in the same state.. I feel like i am pulling a rope and cant choose between my almost perfect bf or this low life ex gf.. Dont get me wrong me and my bf have major issues too.. Been with my bf six years and we have no kids due to my ovary issues and thyroid issues.. developed these issues from years of psychiatirc medications that i am no longer taking.. Top it off my bf and i have no careers and cant seem to finish college, because its hard for us both.. My bf might seem perfect, but we do have issues. This ex gf has like haunted my thoughts in every way.. I just dont know what to do.. i seem to get very hyped up when it comes to woman and my brain malfunctions. with men this never happens.. With woman i just cant stop thinking about them and the knots in my stomach,.. I never got knots in my stomach for men or my bf.. Again my mother neglected me at age 2 and never returned in my life again,, My father phsycally and mentally abused me. Top it off i have been raped 3 times.. I am very fragile and messed up.. i have no friends. i do go to church and that helps me a lot.. i need answers.. please help..

 
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