I need some advice from some outsiders that are not going to judge.
My boyfriend and I broke up a little over a month ago. I went out of the country for a month to study abroad and when I came back, I felt like he was a different person. We had been together for about 4 years now and the bad times that we had were really bad.
We broke up around christmas time last year and ended up getting back together the end of Feb. I never cheated on him and I never wanted to. When we broke up, i met another guy and lets just say I expected more from him. All of a sudden I had this empty feeling again and didn't want to feel alone, so my boyfriend and i got back together and i told him everything that had happened with the guy I had met. I think I made the mistake of telling him, but I just wanted to be honest and have an open relationship and after that he used everything I told him against me. He had no problem throwing my mistakes in my face. Of course it made me feel aweful, all i wanted to do was have an honest relationship and no secrets, but he held a grude and many mixed feelings.
One night we had an amazing night, it was a friday and we were excited about the weekend. We went to my friends house and drank wine and had a good time, when it was time to leave he was pretty drunk. I was obviously sober because I had to drive home. I guess my friends said something and unintentinally ****** him off and on the way home he took it out on me? I was kind of freaking out because I didn't know why he was treating me like this and I asked him why, and was calling me names and telling me how much he hated my friends and my family and how we were all crazy! I was honestly dumbfounded by what he was telling me and just the fact that he was drunk hurt me because he NEVER acted like that sober.
He was telling me hurtful things that were not even close to being true, and i know the right thing to do was to walk away, but instead I punched him! At the time, I felt like he needed to be punched for saying all that nasty stuff to me, and he fought back! I had never been in a fight before and I had never had the urge to knock somebody out like that. I'm not a big person, and I hated him for manhandeling me like that! It was a horrible way to end the night. The next day, i felt like I had been hit by a truck and went to an Urgent Care. I had never felt so degraded in my life. He had never done anything like that before so I was so confused and everything felt so surreal!
My mom made me change my number, and I feel into an intense state of depression! I just didn't understand how somebody you love so much can treat you like crap so bad. I tried, and surrounded myself with people I love, yet I still felt betrayed, empty, and alone in every way.
My family and close friends all know what happened between us and I know it was really bad. I still love him, and we started talking again. We both love each other very much. How do you fix something like that?!? He is not a bad person and I am not trying to make an excuss for him to justify his actions. I was in the wrong for hitting him first and I realize that!
Now that I am talking to him again, I feel like a better person. I feel happy,and myself. I felt stress free, until now! I don't want to keep him a secret anymore! I'm 21, and have to hide the one person I love to death from everybody else in my life. I don't know what to do? We've talk about our situation, and we both love each other very much! We are both confused! It is really tearing me apart because I want to be with him more than anything and I don't think we can!? or at least i don't know how we can! My mom would kill me if she knew that i was talking to him again! I realize that the love never goes away, but I am not ready to just throw him out of my life! I don't want to! He makes me happy, and yes I do care about what people in my life have to say, but not when it takes something away from me that makes me happy! I need advice! I need help! I am confused! Aside from everything that happened, I still love him and want to be with him! What do I do!?
As a mother, I can relate to your own mother. She must have been horrified that you were hurt by this man. I would suggest that you take it very carefully for a while, tell your mother that you are talking to him again, and prepare the way. I personally feel that if he hit you once, then he will do it again when the trigger happens (the fact that it was a punch from you is really irrelevant, it could be anything). At any rate, be careful, and remember that other people may see things in a way that you, sort of blinded by love may miss. Has he expressed horror at what he did, or is he buying into your "it was really my fault" line? Sera
I do realize that I need to be careful! I don't want to rush back into a relationship with him, I am afraid of being hurt again! We both talked about what happened that night and it scares us both! He did express his feelings about that night and we both realize that it should have never happened! Neither of us ever saw that coming! It really is scary, and i'd like to think of myself as a smart young lady, but how do i allow myself to see what others see? I don't want to be the blind one anymore! We both love each other, and I would have never thought that would happen to me, but the fact that it did, really scares me! My mom was furious when this happened, that is why I feel like I have to hide this!
We don't seem to have enough elements to tell you what you'd be better to do. As the old proverb tells us, a burnt child dreads the fire, I agree that you should be very careful and proceed very slowly with him, if anything. If it once happened, it may always happen again. If once he did it when he was drunk, the next time he might even do it when he is sober. For they say, when you are drunk, you talk about things that you don't have the courage to talk about when you are sober. So, be ready. Actually, I don't know how practical it is to stay in a relationship when you have to be on your guard, walking on eggs, so to say, most of the time. Where is the fun of it? Are you sure this is love?
It is up to you, really. As for your mother, I'd rather tell her about your making up with him as soon as possible. If she learns about it straight from you rather than from someone else or through a casual discovery, her reaction will probably be softer. Anyway, you are an adult now and entitled to make your own choices. Listen to her, but do as you please.
In any case, I think it would really help you not to put this man in the centre of your life. What about your studies, your profession, your future? Life is not only about love and emotions. Take advantage of your youth and invest in your talents and potential.
I could not agree with you more! This is my last year as an undergrad student and I do not want to have a miserable time worring about a relationship that I am not exactly sure about. I do love him and would do anything for him. I am afraid of what happened could happen again. I just don't know how to bring that up with him? We don't fight. I never felt alone, I have always had a great support system. I tried leaving him alone, but then my empty feeling comes back. I am just confused and don't know how to deal with my situation.
Well, if I were your mother, I'd go ballistic too if I found out you had gone back to the man who beat you and put you in the emergency room. I can promise you, he will do it again unless he receives counseling. From what you've told us, this just didn't happen. It has been building up since Christmas, with him throwing your past WHILE YOU WERE BROKEN UP in your face and my guess is it started in smaller ways even before then. He didn't just flip out one night. He's just excalating the abuse from verbal to physical.
You will probably get mad at me for saying this, but I was with someone I 'loved' very much, and didn't want to leave him, my life didn't feel right without him, blah blah blah, but after some distance, I realized that I was with him not because I loved him, but because I was lonely and he filled a void and I took and made excuses for his verbal abuse because I had low esteem and I just didn't think highly enough of myself. And that's it. If you really loved yourself and really thought highly of yourself, you wouldn't want this man in your life anymore after what he's done to you. Yes, you were wrong to have thrown the first punch, no one should be hitting anyone in a relationship. But what did you do to him, give him one little bruise at worst? And he sent YOU to urgent care. Not comparable by any stretch of the imagination.
This is your life you're talking about. The damage caused by being worn down by an abusive SO can take years, even decades, to repair. Please think long and hard before you let this guy back into your life. Your family are the one who REALLY love you, and they don't want him around you. What does that tell you?
I agree completely with LarryLou'sMom! If I were your mother I would tie you down if I had too to keep you away from this man. Now, I realize we/I are looking at this from a mothers point of view, but the truth being......I think he needs to be in jail. Sending someone to Urgent Care is no laughing matter. I also believe in my heart, that this will not be the last time he hits you if you continue to see him!
Please read up on the patterns of abuse. He couldn't handle the fact that you went out with someone else while you were BROKE UP! For goodness sake....was he a NUN during that time, or didn't he get out and see other women? People like him see YOUR actions and their own as being totally seperate....as meaning if he did it, it was ok. If you did it, it was horrible!
Please don't waste anymore time or put more grey in your poors Ma's hair by seeing this man. He is becoming (and on his way to being) a movie of the week special. You deserve better than that.
Any guy that hits a woman is a coward, even if you hit him first. Also I dont understand why he was mad that you saw someone else while you were broken up. If your not together it should not be a bid deal. Anyways take the other advice and do not see him anymore.
I think what your feeling is co-dependancy, even if the emotions he gives you are bad, they are familiar because you have been with him for a long time. Keep distance and the feelings will go away. Being alone is better than being with someone that treats you like crap.
Hello Mandabear, lots of good advice here. This will always be your choice, so do you want to choose love in a good/healthy/growing/fun, or abusive/ controling/ manipulating kind of way? Did he show back up in your life because nobody else wanted him? And is this why he is giving you affection at the moment? I know that you may just be feeling his affection for him right now, people can give warm affection when they want to and they can also withhold it, at any time. Affection is something that you need but it is not the whole recipe for a lasting love relationship. Love never hits, not once, period. This is a dangerous situation, true love is out there for you, you can be in love with someone that wont hit you, not once. I hope you distance yourself from him and meet new people, stay focused on your studies, and your life. We all want you to stay in the sunshine, and not hidden in a dark place where you don't want anyone to see your bruises.....just the thoughts of possibilities......G
This wasn't just an isolated incident that happened because he was drinking and you hit him first. He has been throwing things in your face for months, things that were none of his business. He has been harboring resentment and anger towards you for months and was verbally assaulting you the night this happened. I hate to say it, but I think he probably would have hit you regardless of whether or not you hit him. Maybe not that night, but at some point because he wasn't dealing with his feelings. He was blaming them on you. Does that make sense?
You are not responsible for his (or anyone else's) feelings. You were broken up and you acted in a manner that was right for you. What you did had nothing to do with him. He needed to accept that and didn't therefore your reunion was doomed from start.
So what has changed that makes you believe this will work again? He said he was sorry? So what! He has anger issues that need to be worked out. I know you love him, but love is not enough in a case like this. Yes, I know you hit him first. Would you have hit him if he wasn't verbally berating you? No, you wouldn't have. Does it make it right that you hit him? Absolutely not, but that's not the point. He had been fueling this for months.
If I were your mother I would go ballistic too. I've been with men like this and I know from experience that "sorry" doesn't fix it. He needs help. If I were you, I would tell him that you won't even think about a relationship with him unless he seeks counselling for his anger. You will find out real quick how much you mean to him in that case. If he really loves you and is truly sorry he will do what it takes to get you back and right this wrong. It takes a strong and determined man to do that and many men fitting your "boyfriend's" mold don't have it in them. They would rather blame you or a situation then admit fault. If he doesn't think he has a problem or sees it as a one time thing then you bet the farm it will happen again. And when it happens again he will be sorry and they cycle will repeat. Abuse is a cycle. It's good....the tension builds....the blowup happens....it's good....etc.
Anyway, that's just my $.02 from my own experience.
Last edited by happymom28; 09-06-2008 at 06:59 AM.
It is extremely difficult to make a rational decision when your emotions are strong and when feelings of love minimizes the wrong that was done to you.
I can understand getting so angry that you hit someone out of frustration. That is an anger issue. People deserve a second chance and some do learn never to make that mistake again and often you learn that with help from counseling.
But to beat someone to the point of needing medical attention is an abusive situation that has a high probability of happening again. It has nothing to do with him being drunk and acting out of character. Alcohol loosens your inhibitions and you let out the part of you that you hide from the world.
Yet I understand it is easy for us to say leave him and do not look back. Easier said than done right? How about just being friends? In the mean time, you keep yourself open to other people and the possibility of meeting someone that you could have a meaningful relationhip with? Keep busy and get involved in activities and surround yourself with new people.
Some people will say quitting cold turkey is the best route but it does not work for everyone. Some people need that slow push to get that person out of their life.
That emptiness that you feel needs to be filled by someone else or something else. It is not him; do not let your mind trick you into thinking he is what you need. Be careful you do not find yourself trapped in the very same cycle many abused women and men find themselves. Love yourself more than that.
If you were my daughter, he would be in jail by now.
I have to say .... get out... but I can tell from your post you're already making excuses for him. Women that stay with abusive men will get one thing... abused. It makes not one bit of difference if you "started" it. A man should NEVER hit a woman. This guy is a loose cannon. Who cares what you did while you were broken up. He has all the signs of someone that will make your life a living hell, and sadly you are already sounding like a woman that will forgive him. Look at it this way, the size difference between a man and a women.. the strength of a man over a female. If an 8 year old 60lb boy OR girl hit you, would you pummel the child so badly that they had to go to the ER? yes.. I know it's a child but I'm talking about the size and strength aspect. A "good" man NEVER hits a woman, not once.. he just doesn't do it and he never verbally abuses a woman. Ask yourself this question: If your mother or your best friend were beaten up by a man and ended up in the ER, what would you think of the man that did this to them? Would this be a man you would want your mother or friend to continue seeing? Would you say to your mom or friend that this was a "good" man?
Wow, thank you all for your thoughts and opinions. I don't know why I am such a passive person, but i am. I may be able to forgive him, but I will not be able to forget what happened.
I do realize I am not responsible for his actions. You guys are absolutly right! He knows he has anger issues and he has tried very hard to keep outbursts to a minimum. He had never physically hurt me before that night, he didn't punch me, but did throw me around like a rag doll.
I was the one who contacted him about 3 weeks after everything happened. At first, i felt like I needed to talk to him to get some sort of closure. The way he acted was intense and totally unexpected! That night I felt anger on a level I had never felt before, ever!
I don't know what it is though, after talking to him I felt like I needed to try hard to salvage a failing relationship. I had never failed anything before and for my relationship to go down the drain like that really tore me up! There is still love there, I can feel it and all doesn't seem lost!
The last couple of weeks we have been hanging out alot and everything is great! His parents love me and his friends still treat me with every ounce of respect we had for each other before. Yet, he is still my little secret! I don't know how my family and friends would react if they knew we were talking and hanging out again.
Maybe I am blind? Maybe the feelings i am having are co-dependency? I know that i can not control a person or even change them for that matter. Those are not my intentions! With him I feel happy and myself. What is true love? I am young! I know I have a good head on my shoulders, so why can't I let this one go?I am confused and I know with time and patience, I will see the truth and just of my experience!
I truly hope this never happens again but the odds are that it will if he doesn't get help. For some reason you don't even seem infuriated and destroyed that this man put you in the ER. My concern is not just about him "throwing you around" but that you seem estatic that you are getting back with him more then the fact you are literally, and most likely putting your life in danger. Please go to counciling, you need to know why you are justifying and yes.. you are excusing his behavior. People that "love" someone don't throw someone around like a ragdoll. If you don't insist he gets help this WILL happen again. And I agree with the posters .... if I were your mother I'd have him in jail in a heartbeat... he's an abuser. sorry to be so harsh but your life and well being is on the line. You say you've never failed at anything... this is your failure? ....that he hurt you?? You can't fix him, and this is not about failing at something, its about caring about yourself enough to know that love is not about abuse. You're sounding very similar to women that have battered women's syndrome already. This is from a battered women's site:
*****First is the tension-building phase, followed by the explosion or acute battering incident, culminating in a calm, loving respite - often referred to as the honeymoon phase. You are in the honeymoon stage
****"battered women tend to stay in abusive relationships for a number of reasons." Among those reasons: women are still positively reinforced during the honeymoon phase
First of all, I don't feel like my life is in danger!
and second, what am I supposed to do? I don't feel like I am ready to just block him out of my life! Yeah what happened was awful, but we have been through alot together so that makes things alot harder!
Like one poster said earlier, "it's easier said than done!" He's not a bad guy, he just has anger issues! He comes from a good family and he has always encouraged me throughout my studies and as a person. He was my best friend and a big part of my support system. I find myself in a difficult position because this is what I study, so why am I so blind to the obvious! How do I get out of it!? I have already made my life schedule as busy as I can, and I am definitely not a hermit. Better yet how do I fix myself!? or at least where do I start? I am a self motivated person, why is this so difficult!?
Last edited by mandabear87; 09-07-2008 at 09:33 PM.
Reason: added more info.