I'm 42, married with 3 kids. Our 20th year anniversary is on 9/17. My husband had an accident in 2002 and since then I've been the sole support of my family. A week ago I found out by accident that my husband has been searching for women online since 2005. He's had sexual converations with them and went to meet one (that I know of). This hit me like a ton of bricks -- I'm devastated. We married when I was 22, I had my first child when I was 23, since then the only few times we've been intimate has been for the two other kids. For years he said he needed time, we tried marriage counseling for a little while. I convinced myself that I would be okay without intimacy and that it was more of a health problem. He's been chatting and using the cell phone that I pay for, for his adventures. His excuse -- he "wanted to find out if [he] still loved me." I feel cheated and I'm falling apart. His personal posting stated he was single, no kids and with an income of up to $150K -- the reality is that he's unemployed. I spoke to two of the women. It is devastating and although I love him, this is too devastating. I welcome your thoughts . . .
IF the only time you and your husband were intimate was to have your kids then there are much deeper problems here than your husband flirting with strangers online. It is the tip of the iceberg.
How does his accident affect him? Is he depressed? He is unable to work but can he perform sexually? Can he do things around the house to help you out like shopping and cooking? Were you having sex before 2005? Sounds like he has too much time on his hands.
If you kick him out, you'll only have to support him since he is not making money. Check that out with a lawyer.
The only thing I can suggest is counseling again. Your relationship was not on the right track from the beginning and his accident is making the situation worse. Here you are working to support your family and he is relating to other women all day. It would be wrong and upsetting even if he was working.
Thank you for responding. We were very active before I got pregnant with our first who'll be 19 in November. After his birth, my husband would no longer express or show affection. Because I love him, I put up with this. I suggested marriage, therapy, etc. but he only asked for time. I gave him 19 years -- he can perform but chooses not to. I don't blame myself because I feel I was communicating with him. Along with the marriage counseling we did for a while, he also has a therapist he was seeing once a week. Things got tough, so he goes every two weeks. He has confesses, however, that he kept the affairs from her. Today he says he wants to start over, but I just can't. Along with the betrayal the biggest pain is him denying the fact he has children. I know I will get through this. The difficult part is that I love him, but I cannot forgive him for this pain. If I had rejected him and not sought help throughout the years, or found casual intimacy elsewhere, I don't think I would be hurting so much. But I stayed by his side through thick and think and he broke our sacred vows -- I can't get passed through that. He will not admit to everything he's done. I continue to find things on the net about his deceitfulness. I need to be strong for my children, but I get to get throught he pain and the tears first. I believe there is a man out there who will appreciate me for who I am and the love I have for family. I'm not jumping to find someone . . . my focus are my children and moving forward with them. I deserve better and I know that God has a plan for me. It just hurts to much . . .
I agree with the other poster who said that this is just the tip of an iceberg. What was your husband's excuse all these years for not wanting to be intimate with you? What did he say he needed time for? I feel for you. What he did has no excuse. He has degraded you and humiliated you and on top of it, you are supporting him. He has denied the existence of his 3 children. That is major lack of integrity. He has betrayed you and his children. I hope that you'll be able to see that you haven't thrown 20 years down the drain though because if it hadn't been for him, you wouldn't have your children. This last sentence I am writing for my own sake as well as for yours. I have been in a bad marriage for 10 years and feel that I've thrown 10 years of my life down the drain. But, I have two kids and they wouldn't exist if I hadn't married my husband.
AI wish you strength to go through this betrayal and eventually move on with your life.
In my opinion it is extra deceitful that he kept doing this for so long. One time anyone could make a mistake but to go on for several years has no excuse. You are in my thoughts.