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Old 09-06-2008, 06:43 PM   #1
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help please, what do i do?

OKAAAY..so, the story is:

june 2007 my room mate and i decided to become a couple since we had so much in common and always got along ( we were also friends with benefits ) well we ended up getting pregnant in august ( wth fast i KNOW) big shock. ANYWAYs I freaked out and panicked. I liked him and everything but he wasn't the type of guy i could see marrying or even having a baby with. He was fun to party with at the time. well I broke up with him a month after we found out and then we didn't talk again until I contacted him after our son was born and was 3 weeks old. after we met up again I realized i still had feelings for him and he had grown up some so we decided to get back together and make things work for our son. well its now only like a month and a half later and we seem to argue all the time.

he was perfect before decided to officially get back together. but now it seems like everything we talk about ends up in an agruement.

my biggest problems with him are:
Hes starting to choose his friends over our son and I. (the other night I stayed at his house since I hadnt seen him in like a week, he works evenings and doesn't get home till 11 or 12 well I stayed at his house while he was working which was awkard enough being there alone with his room mates that i hardly know, so when he got home I was so happy I would get to spend time with him. well first thing he says when he walks in is do you want to go one of my friends house (who i also do not know) and im like noo not really its almost 12 at night and we have a 4 month old son we would have to take with us. well then he says well im gonna go over there for a lil bit and im like OOOkay cause I don't want to tell him what to do, but I thought that was VERY rude of him to go and just leave me there ALONE AGAIN after being there without him all night. so he comes back a little over an hour later and I told him how i felt about it and he was like it was only an hour. anyways, when I say id rather him not go out one night he says I have a life too I can't be with you all the time. well i dont have a life either cause i have to stay home with OUR SON! he doesnt realize hes all i have to look forward to cause i cant ever find a babysitter i trust. i wish he would realize how easy he has it. its like he gets to have a baby without all negative parts of being a parent

and, hes quick to get an attitude and gets irrated with me so easily. I feel like I can never do anything right with him. like something small as him not understanding what I say cause I talk to quiet. (well its 1 in the morning, im trying to be quiet out of respect for the other room mates.) he doesnt say nicely he couldnt hear me. he just says it with a bad attitude

My biggest thing is: I don't like how is with our son. and I tell him not to do things and then he says why do you not ever let me have any say in anything about him. and i tell him cause I have him 24/7 ( i don't work i do online classes) so I know how he is and I do research on parenting. but no, he thinks im just trying to tell him what to do or that his opinion doesn't matter. not trying to be mean but if what he was doing is good I wouldn't have a problem. its like he doesn't realize babies cry when they need something and he gets an attitude with him and raises his voice at him and im like please don't talk to him like that he doesn't know any better. he cant talk so thats how he tells you he needs something.

on the other hand when we are just hanging out and not talking about things we have sooo much fun together.

please help, i dont know if i should keep trying to work things out or not. he keeps saying. what are you goin to leave like last time, people dont just run from relationships they work things out. but i feel like i keep repeating myself and that things havent changed

 
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Old 09-06-2008, 08:38 PM   #2
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Re: help please, what do i do?

Whether you like it or not, your new role is as a mom first. Your infant son needs you to be present with him and not worried about this guy. Your life will ultimately resume and be more "fun", but not now. You need to focus on the baby and your schooling so you can get ahead in life and provide for this little person who is totally and completely dependent on you.

So this guy is the baby's father. So what? He made it clear by not being around for the pregnancy and delivery that he suffers from a huge lack of maturity and is not going to be stepping up to the plate any time soon. But you know this. For some reason you are looking for somebody else to tell you it's okay to stay with him. You already know it's not okay and that you are going to have to raise this little guy yourself. Your days of partying and being irresponsible are over for now. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think you know all of this already. I'm being direct with you because this beautiful child needs you to do the right thing for him. He loves and trusts you implicitly and you need to respect that. You carried him, delivered him and now it's up to you to KEEP doing the right thing.

 
Old 09-06-2008, 09:04 PM   #3
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Re: help please, what do i do?

well about him not being there... I basically told him I didn't want him to be around him the way he used to be cause I don't want my son around all that and he needed to change and like i said he easily gets irritated and was like fine you just raise him then and I will stay away since im such a bad influence. then a month or so later he called me up and said he had been trying to find me...(i moved and changed my number, he got my new number from someone we knew that he ran into) well i was still mad at him for basically saying that he would rather not be around than change. but he obviously knew that was wrong of him but I said no cause he easily said that he was leaving before so I proceeded to go on through the pregnancy without him. towards the end I started feeling horrible about not giving him a chance to show he was changing so I went looking for him...(he moved and got a new phone as well) so I had our son and then after I was able to move around and have time I found him online and sent him a message. and he said he still wanted to be in his life and wanted to meet him and that he was so sorry for everything and that he was just so upset that day cause I left him and basically told him he was a POS anyways, so we met up and things went from there.

I just don't know what to do with him..his problems seem to be mostly genetic i guess cause I noticed his dad and his sister get upset easily. He has never yelled at me or came at me in a violent way he just talks with an attitude that is disrespectful to me.

part of me thinks I should ride it out cause I feel he is still growing up. he was 19 when we got pregnant..I was his first real girlfriend. He didn't start driving till he was almost 18 and was still living with his parents until last january minus the couple of months we lived together before we got pregnant.

Before I broke up with him when we got pregnant he was perfect, boyfriend wise. i just got scared thinking of him as a father of my child cause he was still immature. he drove crazy and he smoked pot. and he didn't graduate HS and that bothered me cause Im from a very well off family where as he is not and I felt kind of embarassed of what my family might think of him ( horrible I know) they hadn't even met him until a month ago. When we first found out I was pregnant he did anything and everything for me and gave me 200 a week for whatever i needed.

I know that my partying days are over. well actually pretty much my whole social life in any way is over for a lil while. and im ok with that. I don't complain that I don't get out I just wish he wouldn't talk to me like im controlling his life when i want him to come see me rather than his friends. I don't even care really that he goes its just sometimes when hes supposed to be with me he goes out first than comes over. when its like 2 or 3 in the morning. Dont get me wrong its not every night but enough to aggravate me...either that or he wont call when he says he will...by hours. it makes me feel like I can't count on him. I don't know sometimes I feel like im over reacting. He doesn't go out partying or anything he just sits at his friends house for a couple of hours a few times a week watching movies or playing games. hes a great father other than his patience with him.

 
Old 09-07-2008, 09:59 AM   #4
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Re: help please, what do i do?

Well, there really isn't anything "to do" with him. He is who he is, and you either have to accept it or move on.

I think you feel like you can't count on him because you can't. He's too young to be a father. But that's the down side of just "having fun' for the moment. The person you thought you were just having momentary fun with can easily become your co-parent for life.

I think you need to stop nagging him and wishing he would become someone he just isn't, and seems to have no desire to become. You can't try to form a relationship with someone for who you hope they'll become someday. Just because he's the baby's father doesn't mean he HAS to be your SO. You deserve a chance to have as good a life as you can possibly build for yourself, and that includes finding a mature, good, reliable, stable man after you've finished school and gotten your feet on the ground. A man who wants to be a husband and good step father to your son, and your child's biological father can be a part of his life as long as he's a positive, healthy part of his life. You are better off alone than trying to rely on someone who's unreliable and hoping he will become someone he has no real desire to become.

 
Old 09-07-2008, 01:13 PM   #5
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Re: help please, what do i do?

If he is nor patient with the baby, maybe you should try to be more patient with him.

If you think that he is still growing up, then maybe you should give him a chance.

I am not really taking his side. I understand you feel as if he were deserting you and the baby. But it's true that you can't possibly change him, or perhaps you could, but certainly not through talking and nagging and telling him what to do. I know you don't do that all the time, but to him it feels like that. Ask him to do something rather than tell him to do it. There's a difference. If he works regularly, if he helps you with the chores, if he is not aggressive, if he is not into drugs, if he doesn't spend his money foolishly, if he doesn't cheat on you, etc, then he is ok, though maybe not the perfect guy. Wait. Try to be more patient. I know that a baby can't go anywhere, because of the noise and the weather, but if the conditions are favourable, then perhaps you could try to socialize a bit more with his friends bringing the baby with you. Maybe one or two of them have babies, too, so you will have a kind of anchor there.

Try to take part in his life as much as possible. If he invites you to come along, don't hasten to say no and to add that he is forsaking you. If he is fair, he will see that you are "making an effort" to be with him, and when it is his turn, he will also "make an effort" to be with you. Tit for tat. I hope so.

 
Old 09-07-2008, 03:22 PM   #6
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Re: help please, what do i do?

Not only is this boy not ready to be a father....you can't make him. The fact that you don't like how he reacts when the baby cries is a BIG red flag. The fact that you were ashamed to tell your family about him, tells ME a great deal. You cannot on your own make this work. True, he might grow up someday and be a good father. He might even make father of the YEAR, but are you willing to put your peace of mind, not to mention your son at risk while you wait for that day?

Take the baby and get away from him. It takes a real man to be a father....any ol sperm can make a baby. This man has no idea of the responsiblities of a baby, nor does it sound like he is interested in learning. You are beating a dead horse. Bless your heart.....but getting together with someone because you want your son to have BOTH parents doesn't work. Ask all the single moms on this board. I am one. My son was better off without his dad in his life.

It sounds like you are a very good mother. Please don't subject your son to a noncaring, possibly abusive father because you think it's whats "best" for him.

I strongly suggest that you go to a lawyer and set up some child support for your son. I know you said your family is well off and you might not need it...but it will teach him some responsbility and your son deserves to have that support!

Also, after 4 months you need some time out and away to relax...if only an hour or two a week. Please enlist the help of relatives you trust to watch your baby while you go shopping or out to eat with your friends. You will be surprised how so little time can rejuvinate you!

I feel for you! I've been there. It's hard to think that the father of your child doesn't feel the same maternal instincts as you do. It happens way too often.

Mileena

 
Old 09-07-2008, 03:28 PM   #7
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Re: help please, what do i do?

One other thing I wanted to add.....I totally disagree with Pendulum that you should take the baby with him to friends house. This was midnight! No baby should have to be dragged out at night and mess with his schedule because one parent wants to go out. This is a two way street, and the baby is the BOSS. It's not about who wants to go out.....all parents go through having to change lifestyles to accomidate a babies needs. It seems you have done that and he is playing "single" guy still. Don't compromise on this.....as you mentioned he also smoked pot....you know your baby has no business around that!

Mileena

 
Old 09-07-2008, 03:58 PM   #8
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Re: help please, what do i do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mileena42 View Post
One other thing I wanted to add.....I totally disagree with Pendulum that you should take the baby with him to friends house. This was midnight! No baby should have to be dragged out at night and mess with his schedule because one parent wants to go out. This is a two way street, and the baby is the BOSS. It's not about who wants to go out.....all parents go through having to change lifestyles to accomidate a babies needs. It seems you have done that and he is playing "single" guy still. Don't compromise on this.....as you mentioned he also smoked pot....you know your baby has no business around that!

Mileena
Actually, what I was saying is to take the baby only if the conditions are favourable.

 
Old 09-07-2008, 05:09 PM   #9
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Re: help please, what do i do?

Sorry if I misunderstood.

Mileena

 
Old 09-07-2008, 06:02 PM   #10
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Re: help please, what do i do?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mileena42 View Post
Sorry if I misunderstood.

Mileena
That's all right, Mileena. I do appreciate it.

I agree that the baby is the priority, but parents must not abstain from going out, either. This is easier if she is breastfeeding...

Last edited by pendulum; 09-07-2008 at 06:05 PM.

 
Old 09-08-2008, 06:43 AM   #11
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Re: help please, what do i do?

Whether or not he is your son's father has nothing to do with whether or not you should be together. In all honesty, I don't think you had feelings for him when you saw him again, I think you were lonely and wanted/needed help. Don't take that the wrong way because you have a right to feel that way, but you have to remember that you really didn't have feelings for him before your son was born. I mean, you said that you couldn't see yourself marrying this man or having a child with him, so in reality, what has changed?

I know you are overwhelmed. Being a mom of a newborn, especially for the first time, is very stressful, exhausting, and sometimes lonely. But you know what, it will get easier. Every day he is going to grow and change and be a little more independent. You will get yourself back. It will take a little while, but it will happen.

Now, this guy is not the guy for you! You can't make him become that guy. He knows he has a son and he is choosing his own life over him. That's his choice and mistake to make and he will regret it one day. But you can't make him see that. He's too immature and selfish to be a father.

My advice to you, go to court and establish a child support and visitation order. This will help you out financially (provided he pays of course) and he will have a "schedule" of when he sees his son that he can choose to use. Then, wash your hands of him. Put you and your son first. Do your online classes. Enjoy your son because he won't be this baby for long. I also suggest doing some research online for other single moms in your area(I can't post the website but if you search you can find what I am talking about). This will help you to make friends with others going through similar situations and may even pave the way to helping eachother out with babysitters and other things. There are many posibilities.

There is one other thing I saw in your post that I wanted to mention. he doesnt realize hes all i have to look forward to cause i cant ever find a babysitter i trust. Whether you realize it or not, you made your whole life about this guy. This guy you didn't even want to be with months earlier. How is that fair to either one of you? Regardless of your circumstances, you can never count on anyone to be your "everything". Yes, it does suck that he gets to be a parent without the "negative parts" (as you call it) but he will regret that one day. When your son is grown he will know which parent was there for him. He will know which one cared for him and put him before everyone else.

 
Old 09-09-2008, 11:48 AM   #12
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Re: help please, what do i do?

well I had a boyfriend when i met up with him again. he was my off and on bf of 5 years and he ended up breaking up with me cause he wanted to be my sons father but I had contacted his real father so he got upset. bio father and i got back together a couple of weeks after we broke up. so i wasn't really lonely per say. I don't know my life seems like such a soap opera and sadly i mad it that way.

as far as his bio father watching him....I told him maybe he should take him for a couple of weeks and he was like no I have to work. I told him that in all honesty its not my problem. he would have to find a babysitter just as i would have to.

 
Old 09-09-2008, 03:03 PM   #13
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Re: help please, what do i do?

That's pretty sad that the boyfriend at the time got upset about you contacting your son's biodad. I can understand him wanting to be a positive father figure and all, but I will say he definately handled that badly. Sorry!

You have to go to court and establish a visitation and child support . Him having set visitation will give you a break if (and that's a big if) exercises his rights. Everything you are saying is right, but that won't mean you will make him see that. I'm not excusing him by any means. He just clearly isn't ready to take on the role of a responsible father. I hope you take some of the other advice I gave you in my other post as well.

 
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