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Old 09-06-2008, 09:49 PM   #1
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Why does this keep happening...?

I've been in a 2 year relationship that ended a weeks back. In the beginning, when he told me he was interested in me, he had a live-in-girlfriend. He broke it off with her and a few weeks after, he started seeing me. It went on for a couple of months. Everything was perfect - it was intense - he even talked of children and how they would look like.. Than one day, out of the blue, he told me that he's getting back with his (supposedly)ex-girlfriend. I was devastated... He said that he still wanted me to be a part of his life. Time went on, we were still in each others lives - via email and sometimes he would come see me. I told him what we're doing is not right, but he said that he doesn't want to loose me and that he still loved me. He kept saying he doesn't want to hurt me or her.

Earlier this year, he finally ended his relationship with his gf (again). The reason he gave: she wanted marriage, but he couldn't see her as the mother of his child, eventhough they were very compatiable. He said they're good friends (obvioulsy so, since she doesn't know about his involvement..) He said he wanted to be alone and figure things out. We continued to email and he would still come see me whenever HE wanted to. When I wanted to see him, he started making excuses. I would try to arrange fun things to do over the weekends, he would initially say he's up for it, than cancel at the last minute. We've never done anything in public after he broke it off the first time with me. When asked why, he said its too early (he's coming out of a break-up) and this would ruin his image (he's an assistant professor).

A month ago, he started becoming very distant. I asked him if there was someone else, he said there is someone who's interesed in him, but the only problem is that she's "young" - 28 (he's 42 and I'm in my mid 30's). He went on saying how she allowed him to open up about his break-up with his ex-gf and also about me (which surprised me), how she's a wonderful person and he can see himself with her. I couldn't beleive what I was hearing... The details he shared was unnecessary. He said that he's confused. He said he can see both of us in his life and that he still loves me and enumerated the reasons why.

A few weeks back, when I asked him to come by and talk instead of emailing all the time, he started to beat around the bush - said he didn't mind seeing me, but as "friends and nothing more". I asked to be direct with me - I asked him if he was seeing someone else. He said he has been seeing someone else and that he's "making it work"... Haven't heard back since.

It was a double slap in the face.. I was numb. And now the nubness has turned into saddness.. I was truly in love with this person. Why did he say he loved me? He has cheated before on his ex-wife. Which he didn't deny. He's a highly educated person that comes from a good family. How do men like this get away with it..? How quickly he is able to find love again and he's having a good time.. Don't they have to face the consequences..? I know I am...

 
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Old 09-07-2008, 08:04 AM   #2
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Re: Why does this keep happening...?

That he wants to preserve his image above all shows that he is too self-centred... It would be better for him to have a more consistent behaviour, then he would have nothing to hide or to preserve or to worry about ...

That he talks so freely and shamelessly about the other women in his life shows that he doesn't much think about your feelings ... Does he want to make you jealous? How rude of him!

He has the right to look for the "best" mother for his child(ren), but in doing so, he should follow the rules: 1. In a Western society, he can only have one wife. 2. He should not waste other people's time. Does he think other people should only serve his objectives? 3. If he is already 42, then he has not much time to lose, otherwise he will be too old for his kid(s). He is old enough to know that in life you have to take risks. If he is so indecided about creating a family - a family that he probably wants be "picture-perfect" - he would be better to remain single, just having affairs with women who prefer it this way, and to invest in his career.

Letr him go. Don't waste your time. Try to find a more serious, more sensitive and less hesitant man. There are not too many out there, but it would be better for you to go on looking rather than keep the wrong one.

 
Old 09-07-2008, 09:27 AM   #3
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Re: Why does this keep happening...?

This poor guy never learned that monogamy in large part is a CHOICE for most of us. There will always be other people out there who you 'can see yourself with' but we leave them alone when we have made the choice to be loyal and faithful to someone. He's a kid in a candy store, always looking for the greener grass. Yes, it seems unfair that he gets to go on happy with his life when he's hurt you like he did. But if he doesn't grow up and learn from his mistakes, he will end up alone, going to his grave never having really loved anyone.

This is a big lesson for you. Never give anyone a second chance to break your heart, because they will. You kept trusting this guy way after he had proven himself to be untrustworthy. Next time a guy leaves you to go back to an ex, but wants you to "be a part of his life", make sure the only part of you that's still in his life is your boot print on his butt.

 
Old 09-07-2008, 01:15 PM   #4
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Re: Why does this keep happening...?

Larrylou is right. This man is a player and preys upon women that will put up with his incredible garbage. You can't except crumbs from a man because he will see it, know it, and that's all you will get. He knew he could use you because you gave him your permission the second time around. If a man isn't giving you his "all"... why would you want him? You asked in your post "how men like him get away with it"... its' because many women allow him to and he knows it. Stay away from anyone who wants you and another woman unless you want to get your heart broken again. It's a recipe for disaster.

Last edited by cathy1; 09-08-2008 at 03:47 PM.

 
Old 09-07-2008, 03:03 PM   #5
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Re: Why does this keep happening...?

He keeps getting away with it because women like you have allowed him too. Do not ever let this man back into your life, he will only cause you pain. He will also never be satisfied with just one woman, even if he makes a commitment, he will always be looking on the other side of the fence. I feel sorry for any woman he ends up married too.

Mileena

 
Old 09-08-2008, 06:51 AM   #6
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Re: Why does this keep happening...?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mileena42 View Post
He keeps getting away with it because women like you have allowed him too. Do not ever let this man back into your life, he will only cause you pain. He will also never be satisfied with just one woman, even if he makes a commitment, he will always be looking on the other side of the fence. I feel sorry for any woman he ends up married too.
That is exactly why these men get away with it. The women they associate with allow them back in time and time again despite all they have done. You can not allow him (or anyone else like him) back into your life. He can't have just one woman, his history speaks for itself. You have to respect yourself enough to know that you deserve better than him.

This is a huge life lesson for you. Carry it with you through all of your future relationships.

 
Old 09-08-2008, 07:09 AM   #7
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Re: Why does this keep happening...?

it keeps happening because you allow it......also what kind of guy do you think cheats on his live in girlfriend? why would you expect anything different when he was with you.......open up your eyes

 
Old 09-08-2008, 03:49 PM   #8
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Re: Why does this keep happening...?

So true RoseQuartz.... If they do it with you... they WILL DO IT TO YOU. What makes you think you are any different? Indicater of future behavior is past behavior.

 
Old 09-09-2008, 04:57 AM   #9
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Re: Why does this keep happening...?

He is a PLAYER! He love all of his sweets too. Ice Cream and Cake too.

Get rid of him YESTERDAY!

 
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