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Old 09-07-2008, 01:25 AM   #1
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how do i help her

my friend has just finished treatment for breast cancer and has learned her husband has been having an affair for the past 11 months. She believes he does love her and will stop, although she only learned of it via another friend, and has not challenged him.
my own opinion is that his actions are not those of a loving husband, but i dont know if agreeing with her is helpful either. in the meantime i am just telling her i am there for her whatever happens.
can he really love her when he is not faithful during such a major time for her? i know for sure that this is his first affair - i have known them both for over 25 years. his affair is with a work colleague who i know he thinks very highly of professionally and spends a lot of time with.

 
Old 09-07-2008, 07:09 AM   #2
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Re: how do i help her

I think your friend coud be in a bit of denial, understandably. She can only fight one battle at a time, and right now, recuperating and getting her health back 100% is what's most important.

But these kinds of affairs can go on for years, even decades. I seriously doubt he will end the affair on his own if she doesn't give him a reason to, but she's probably just not ready to do that yet. Let her rest and recover. I assume she had chemo? Which I understand can take a lot out of you. Everyond is different and has to deal wtih these kinds of things on their own. If it were me, and I found out, I'd confront him right away. I couldn't get on with my recovery and my life until I knew that either the affair was over and he was actively taking steps to change his job situation to make sure he had no further contact with her, or he left to be with her. I'm just that kind of person, I can't stand having things like that hanging over my head, but she's different. She can let it lie for now while she deals with getting better, so for now that's what she should do. Support her in her recovery if she asks and if you can, pick up a few things from the store for her if it saves her a trip so she can get some extra rest, things like that. when she's ready to deal with her husband, then you can support her in whatever she chooses to do. Good luck to both of you.

 
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Old 09-07-2008, 03:45 PM   #3
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Re: how do i help her

I think you are doing all you can at the moment to help her. Be there for her, to listen and give support...no matter how she handles this. It is personal and different for everyone as LarryLou'smom said.

Being that she is in such a fragile state because of her health, you know you don't need to push her and thats good....but it also makes me wonder why a "friend" would tell her this during her most stressful time. Only added insult to injury it seems.

Mileena

 
Old 09-07-2008, 04:09 PM   #4
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Re: how do i help her

My question is if you and your friend are certain that there is an affair going on. Could it be just gossip? After all, she hasn't confronted her husband, so I assume he hasn't admitted to any affair. It is very strange for your friend's "friend" to let her know something so chocking during this very difficult time in her life.
As far as the husband goes, he may very well still love his wife. I am not at all trying to excuse him, but the fact that his wife has cancer may have been too much for him to deal with that he lost his ability to think normally. Maybe the stress was too much for him so he did something he normally wouldn't. When people are under a huge amount of stress or fear, they may do things that are irrational and that they would normally never do.
Be supportive of your friend and just be there for her. She is obviously not ready to confront her husband at this time. Some women would confront their husband right away and some wouldn't. It is up to each person to decide how they handle a situation like this one. I do feel bad for your friend though. As if she already doesn't have enough on her plate.

 
Old 09-07-2008, 04:28 PM   #5
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Re: how do i help her

Support her like you have. She will do what she will do when she can. One word of men that do this while the women in their lives are sick... its dreadful. Regardless of the stress they are under, they put themselves first and foremost over their wives/girlfriends. Unless he's completely lost touch with reality, he gets a creep/loser of the year award. How will she ever be able to trust and forgive him and how would she ever think he will stick by her if she relapses or has any other health crisis in the future.

 
Old 09-08-2008, 08:42 AM   #6
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Re: how do i help her

Quote:
Originally Posted by littlegoddess View Post
my friend has just finished treatment for breast cancer and has learned her husband has been having an affair for the past 11 months. She believes he does love her and will stop, although she only learned of it via another friend, and has not challenged him.
my own opinion is that his actions are not those of a loving husband, but i dont know if agreeing with her is helpful either. in the meantime i am just telling her i am there for her whatever happens.
can he really love her when he is not faithful during such a major time for her? i know for sure that this is his first affair - i have known them both for over 25 years. his affair is with a work colleague who i know he thinks very highly of professionally and spends a lot of time with.
I wouldn't agree with her.....if you really want to be her friend, don't do it by blowing smoke up her butt, even if that's what she's secretly hoping you will do. This man is a louse, cheating on a wife who has breast cancer......
he doesn't love her and even if he does stop, what he did is unforgiveable. If she was my friend, that's what I'd be telling her, whether she wanted to hear it or not.
I won't blow smoke up anyone.....

 
Old 09-08-2008, 11:48 PM   #7
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Re: how do i help her

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
he doesn't love her
thats my core belief too!

 
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